The Student Room Group

Should i send it?

Basically heres the story in short..

I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we had a very up and down relationship and in the end few months it was very down, we barely see each other all summer and when we did it was all arguements.
He was quite controlling and jealous. In the last few months he was paranoid i fancied this boy from work, i continously denied it as there actually wasn't anything there.
Gets to September and he ends it, he can't take it anymore...

One week later i begun seeing this boy from work, and a week after that we started going out.

Me and my ex are in the same group of friends, the day we spilt up i saw him in the pub, but we didn't speak (it had been quite a bad break-up)
The day after that we were at a BBQ together, still not a word said to each other. I text him after that saying like any chance we can ever be friends again? and he said like no i still love you i can't imagine you being anything less than a gf..etc so we didn't speak.

When he found out me and the guy from work were seeing each other he sent me a text calling me a cold hearted bitch etc etc. I tried to explain that there was nothing while we were going out between me and this guy. He tells me he loves me but he hates me..last time i spoke to him.

Fast forward to now..we're both at uni (him at Southampton Solent and me at Southampton Uni)
Being in the same group of friends, some of us went out last Friday night. I had my bf with me as he was staying (i didn't want to go knowing my ex would be there but i was made to). So it was me, my bf and ex all together. It was horrible and i spent half the evening in the toilets crying (lol). I', invisible in my exes eyes now, there was a big divide etc etc.

Anyway, the dilemma is i really want to send him a email or something saying sorry i never meant to hurt you sort of thing. I don't expect him to be friends with me or whatever but i wanna make it right..

Is it a good or bad idea?
or should i leave him alone?


Help please :smile: xxxxxxxxx

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Leave him alone. And, tbh, I think it was quite mean of you to introduce him to your ex that quickly. You just came out of a long-term relationship and you seem to have rushed it along.
Reply 2
I think that's a good idea. Tell him you still want to be his friend and you are not trying to make it difficult for him by having your new boyfriend around.

After that it's all on him to do the right thing.

Good luck!
Reply 3
I'm not saying that you cheated on the guy or anything but I find it a bit hard to believe that there was absolutely nothing between you and this guy at work if a week after you broke up with your boyfriend you started seeing him
Reply 4
i think lack of communication was the key.. boy do some times like that, you should ask for your *personal free space*, being in control is a good thing but too bad, different people likes different things.. maybe he should learn that some times . you are not a doll .. can do things like that .. and maybe he is losing interest, if you are moving towards an other guy .. and he can't take it .. might mean that he is starting to be scared of you leave him .. .. you 2 will talk some time ... and it may turn out good

just give it a month or 2 to cool down first .. then you 2 should sit down and try to sort things out ....

i shouldn't really talk here ... i'm in a mess too *sigh*
Reply 5
Leave the poor guy alone :s-smilie:
Reply 6
emmab7654321
I'm not saying that you cheated on the guy or anything but I find it a bit hard to believe that there was absolutely nothing between you and this guy at work if a week after you broke up with your boyfriend you started seeing him


Yeah there was a bit of flirting, but tbh i'm generally a bit of a flirt

I didn't realise until afterwards that i did actually have genuine feelings for him.

And it wouldn't have been so rushed, but i was going to uni. So we had to do something or nothing.


Anyway that's not the point of this thread, i just wanna know what people think i should do please! :smile:


I think it was quite mean of you to introduce him to your ex that quickly


They already knew each other, from parties and stuff.



And i know i should probabally leave him alone, but we're gonna be going out a lot still in a group so i'm still gonna have to see him etc..

xxxxx
Leave the guy alone, have you got a death wish? Seriously I think you are a bit cold hearted love.
Reply 8
Rock Fan
Leave the guy alone, have you got a death wish? Seriously I think you are a bit cold hearted love.



I know that i hurt him by the way things happened, which is why i want to send him an e-mail apologising.


I'm not cold hearted, but surely with regards to finding someone new my happyness comes first?


I never meant to hurt him, and i know i moved on quickly, but my relationship had been over for months just neither of us had the guts to end it.


xxxxx
starshine
I know that i hurt him by the way things happened, which is why i want to send him an e-mail apologising.


I'm not cold hearted, but surely with regards to finding someone new my happyness comes first?


I never meant to hurt him, and i know i moved on quickly, but my relationship had been over for months just neither of us had the guts to end it.


xxxxx


I think you have done enough damage love, the best thing you can do now is leave him alone. He doesn't need your guilt trip.

You sure this guy isn't a rebound either?
Reply 10
I'd leave the guy alone. He needs time to get over you before you can be friends.
Reply 11
Rock Fan
You sure this guy isn't a rebound either?


Yes, certain.
I wouldn't have gone for it if i thought it was a rebound or wasn't going to work.
I took a big risk, and it's paid off. I havn't been this happy in a long time.



Okay thanks for the advice guys, i'll leave him.
I think we're both going out on Saturday with everyone, ugh. :frown:


xxxxxx
You almost seem proud of what you've done.
Reply 13
yep it does! like your more of the victim then he is. could you just not try to see him for like a month
Reply 14
Rock Fan
You almost seem proud of what you've done.


Proud of what i've done?

I havn't done anything wrong, so what would i have to be proud of?

I never cheated on my ex, and he was the one that ended it with me.


I just wanted some advice on whether or not to send an email apologising because i feel bad, where does that ever suggest i seem proud of 'what i've done'!?

xxxxx
Personally I'd leave it. What good does it do for him to know this information? It'll only serve as a reminder which defeats the whole purpose. He'll learn to forget or forgive over time.

The sincerity of your apology seems more beneficial for your own mind than for him. Don't apologise to him because you feel bad, do it at a time when your actually sorry for hurting him in the past.
Personally I don't think you've thought about how much you will have hurt your ex by going out with another guy two weeks after you split it. Its like telling him your relationship mean't nothing to you. And if you do send him an email or whatever now will most likely make him to hate you even more, even though it is an apology. Its just too soon for something like that, he needs time to recover and get over you.

I reckon the best time for you to send an email or whatever , is when you've been on speaking terms for a few months (around 4-5) unless he gets another gf in which case you could send it once they've been going out for a while. But then again, if he's happy it would probably be best to just leave it as all its going to do is bring up bad memories. If you send it any earlier it would most likely hurt him even more and prolong his pain.
Reply 17
no you havent done anything wrong, if the relationship wasnt working out you have every right to not want to be in it anymore. you even have every right to go out with anyone you like after regardless of how long its been, youre your own person now, so you can do what you like.

But stop rubbing it in his face, hes obviously still hurting, hes definitely not over you yet, and youre being completely heartless. Yes you share friends, but youre the one whos come out better in all this, stay away from him for a bit, see your mutual friends less for a while, he needs them more than you at the moment. and when he starts to get better, you can start being normal again.
Reply 18
I agree with Freebird, *technically* you've not done anything wrong, but look at it from his point of view: He suspects his girlfriend of cheating on him, goes through a really bad time, and only 2 weeks after the break up, it seems his suspicions are confirmed. If you were him, would you really want to be around you? I think a letter of apology at this stage would only make things worse.
Reply 19
Sanity Panda

The sincerity of your apology seems more beneficial for your own mind than for him. Don't apologise to him because you feel bad, do it at a time when your actually sorry for hurting him in the past.


I am honestly sorry for hurting him, and yes half is coz i feel bad. But i hate the fact i hurt him so badly.


I fell out of love with him about two months before we actually split up, so i've had a lot longer to get over it than him. It wasn't just like next! sort of thing. I still care for him a lot as a person.


But stop rubbing it in his face, hes obviously still hurting, hes definitely not over you yet, and youre being completely heartless. Yes you share friends, but youre the one whos come out better in all this, stay away from him for a bit, see your mutual friends less for a while, he needs them more than you at the moment. and when he starts to get better, you can start being normal again.


Last weekend was the first time we'd seen each other since i've been going out with my new bf.

We're both at uni now, so we don't get to see our friends apart from the one/two down here.


Thanks for all ur advice, i deffo won't send anything to him then.
I want him to be happy and get on with his life, i don't wanna make it worse for him.


xxxxx