I need help - Uni, Life, Myself etc.

Ok I’m **** at explaining things but I’ll give it a go.

Basically I’m just feeling really crap about everything. My friends, Uni (just started first year for the second year having dropped out after a few months last year), myself, life in general. I wouldn’t say I’m really really depressed, but I suspect I might have some form of depression, and I wouldn’t say it’s just developed recently either it’s probably been going on for years.

I’m 19 nearly 20 and like I say have just started a 2nd uni having dropped out from a different one last year. Last year I dropped out cos I hated everything about it, the social side, my flatmates, the course, the uni. This year I do find the course interesting, though because of other reasons I’m finding it hard to get myself motivated to do any work. I’m finding the social side so hard though. I do get on better with my flat mates than last year, at least this time they are nice. But they have bonded already and to be honest they’re not the type of people I’d be friends with anyway. They’re ok for friendly chatter in the kitchen or whatever, but not much else…which I’m fine with. Though I’m not exactly very good at making conversation with them.

I’ve always had low confidence, never been one who likes being in the spotlight or whatever as I’m sure not many of us do. When I quit Uni last year I was feeling like a complete failure, and very low on confidence.

Anyway fast forward to Uni this time around. Like I say I like my course, but when I think about it the title of it (I’m not gonna say exactly cos there’s not many like it but it’s management with leisure) and what it will lead to I’m not suited to it at all- in general terms it’s management. I’m not a leader, I’m a follower. I don’t like and am no good at giving people instructions or even simple decision making. That said, I did think about this before applying and came do the decision that it’s just the study of it, it doesn’t have to lead to actual management.

The social side though, besides the flat mates….I can’t really say I’ve made a proper friend. Like I say my course is really small and despite a field trip away for a few days before the course even started I haven’t really bonded with anyone. The group have all bonded really quickly, they make stupid comments that they ‘love each other’ after only a few weeks and I think it’s so fake but each to their own. They seem nice enough people, but not really the sort I’d hang out with. We have different music tastes, different hobbies (believe me I’ve tried talking to nearly everyone) etc. I don’t think anything’s gonna happen there. I suppose I might seem like a bit of an odd person to them. I’m not one to care what the hell I look like, some days I won’t make any effort at all. I’m a girl who likes football. I thought this would play in my favour considering the course I’m doing (leisure based) but not one other girl on my course likes it, and all the guys just seem interested in talking to the pretty girly girls who wear loads of make up.

And before anyone suggests it I’ve tried the whole clubs and societies thing. I’ve joined indie music society, but it’s quite hard cos they just go clubbing and I hate dancing even with a few drinks inside me and it’s quite hard to talk to people then. But even so, I will stick at that cos I want this to work, simply cos I have nothing else to do if I quit again and I’m scared I’ll go on a downward spiral into worst depression.

Away from uni, I hate myself most of the time. I think I’m pretty boring, but maybe that’s cos I might be depressed and at times I lack motivation. I could sit on the computer for hours wasting time away not achieving anything, but I don’t know if that’s cos I’m down and unmotivated or maybe although it sounds sad, addicted?! I’ve been like that for years. I have a few interests, but to me not enough and in general conversation stuff I feel I lack general knowledge and even knowledge about stuff like films/tv. Although once I make myself watch a film (these days to make myself a bit more interesting) I forget them so easily, it’s annoying. I hate **** tv but feel so left out of stuff like lost, sex in the city etc cos I never watched the start so have never bothered catching up. This makes me sound really sad, admittedly like I say I have a few interests- I love football, play a few sports, love music, like culture and food etc.

Anyway I don’t know where writing this has got me, basically I’ve been considering quitting uni again but really don’t want to. I want this to work. But I know I need to change, and I don’t know how. I’ve been contemplating going to the doctors, but I don’t know if I’m being stupid. I’ve read loads on how to change and get more confidence. I’ve been trying but it doesn’t work. Perhaps it’s just in my genes.

If I did end up quitting, then it’d either be a really rubbish Uni near to where I live (I got BBB in my A Levels, for this one I’ve found what course I’d probably do which is similar to my one and you need CCD to BCC). I don’t think I could live at home again anyway. Despite finding it hard living away from home, and I am very close to my parents I don’t think I could live with them again.

I have no idea of any other options besides from uni. I keep hearing these days employers don’t think of a degree as the only thing that matters but if not that, then how do you get a good job (especially if you don’t have the personality traits required?). If it’s experience you need, how do you get on the job ladder in the first place?

Please, any type of advice, I need it.

Reply 1

SmilerNuts

If you want experience for jobs then you generally either have to have contacts in companies or else work your way up from the bottom.

Personally I think you should stick it out at uni. You sound very much like my friend. He's not enjoying it, he doesn't work enough, doesn't think he's interesting, all the same stuff as you. But I keep telling him to stick with it cause it'll gradually get better. And it is. He was a nervous wreck when he first started and locked himself in his room, refusing to talk to anyone for freshers week. Now though, he's starting to make a gradual improvement. I think the same could happen to you. If you manage to push yourself out of your comfort zone (harder than you think but it's worth it if you do) and approach people, make friends etc then you can build on that.

I think you'd regret dropping out of uni in the long run. You should give it your all this time and make it worth it. I'm sure you're a fantastic person, from what you've written you seem smart enough to do well at uni but you need to try and look at more positives in your life. There are always some there but maybe you just choose not to see them. Doing sport for instance is a really good thing, people aren't playing enough of it so you can be proud that you take part in and enjoy that.
If you don't have great general knowledge then try and talk about what you are knowledgable about. If films aren't your thing then read more books or look at art etc. Find something you enjoy and that you're passionate about. You could say that it's refreshing that you don't watch the same tv shows everyone else does. It makes you different and people will appreciate that.

If you seriously think you have depression or are starting to get that way then go see a doctor. It can't do any harm to get checked over and the doctor will be pleased you're taking responsibility for your health.

Sorry, this post is a bit all over the place. If you need to talk to someone anytime feel free to PM me :smile:

I'm sure you can sort your life out. It make take a little bit of time but you're gonna be alright :smile:

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