Freaking out when in arelationship - Pushing B/f away

Hi,

I dont know who esle to talk to as i can't talk to me friends and family is out of the picutre. Plus, you guys on here are really nice and give good advice.

The problem is that i'm pushing away my boyfriend, i always done it saidf to myself 'it isn't working', making some lame exsuce and break up with them.

I love him dearly i just have a habit of properly freaking out, i go all paniky. For example, I couldn handle it (relationship?letting some in? i dont really know) so i just left in the middle of the night when i was staying round his.

My boyfriend knows i freak out, and says to me 'tell me when you freak- we'll talk'. But how do you say to someone 'im freaking out about being with you?'. Plus i sound like a looser. In additon, my little eating problem (which i must confess is getting bad again), isn't helping my insecurties and confidence.

AAAAArrrghhh! Anyone else do this? how did you dealw with it with your partner?

Anon x

Reply 1

chester.

18

If you have several insecurities; eating problems, self esteem etc. it's probably best if you weren't in a relationship. You should tell him how you really feel, your concerns about yourself, and perhaps put romance to the side while you get yourself back up to a healthy happy person again!

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Hi, me again:

So you think i should end it with him to save him? But he'd want to 'help' me, but then he would say 'im a freak' cause of eating thing. I dont wanna tell him but its driving me insane.

Reply 3

chester.

18

Anonymous

Hi, me again:

So you think i should end it with him to save him? But he'd want to 'help' me, but then he would say 'im a freak' cause of eating thing. I dont wanna tell him but its driving me insane.

By the sounds of it, if you don't tell him you WILL make yourself go crazy!

You have to be (here comes the cliche) cruel to be kind. If you tell him, and let him go it will be better for you both. The time apart will allow you to get to yourself back on track and will allow him to be more sensitive towards you.
He will most likely understand and want to help you, but if he calls you crazy or stupid because of the eating problem then it's not even worth sparing his feelings if he's going to be insensitive towards something like an eating disorder.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

So i should tell him then dump him?

But i love him?? He loves me??

I guesse i'll have to hold it in

Anon x

Reply 5

qubog

12

Your boyfriend sounds like an understanding kind of guy. He would have to be to put up with your "freaking out" and willing to help you get over it. Tell him you have an eating disorder and he can help you work through it. Tell your family and your GP as well btw. It's not a "little problem". If he doesn't want to help you get over your eating disorder then hes a total ******* and not worth the time of day. I seriously doubt he wouldn't try his best to help you though. I think you need this guys support.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

but an eating probelm is so unattravtive in girl.

come ne - normal girl - weird girl who doesn't eat properly??

Reply 7

chester.

18

Anonymous

So i should tell him then dump him?

But i love him?? He loves me??

I guesse i'll have to hold it in

Anon x

Don't necessarily dump him but talk to him. Tell him your unhappy, you have an eating disorder and you've lost all self esteem. He will probably be supportive.
DO NOT hold it in- you will eventually crack, damaging both yourself and your boyfriend.

Reply 8

username136883

8

Anonymous

but an eating probelm is so unattravtive in girl.

So is freaking out and pushing him away - I'd bet that's probably worse. :smile:

I'm not saying he can fix your problems, no-one can but you, but you remind me awfully of myself. My refusal to open up almost cost me my relationship, and a year later, I'm so glad it didn't! He sounds like a nice guy and I think you need to be easier on yourself and try to trust him a little. Everyone has issues - just because you perceive yours to make you 'freakier' doesn't mean that everyone else is perfect, or that your boyfriend will feel that way about you.

I would advise against ending it, because I wouldn't have gotten better if I'd done that. No, I don't think I would have become worse and done something stupid, but there's no way I could have improved this much on my own.

You know all that self-help stuff, like 'think confident thoughts and you'll become confident'? I used to do things like that (and still have to sometimes) and it helped, but recently I've noticed confident thoughts coming into my mind that I didn't purposefully put there. It's a pretty awesome feeling. I think you need to look at techniques like this to try and boost your self-esteem, but you also need to talk to your boyfriend. I think he knows you're upset, but tell him that you feel unconfident and that you have an eating problem. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that jazz :smile:

Like I said before, he can't fix your problems, but he can help and support you through them while you try and work through them. Being able to properly trust him will help you a lot, but it's hard to do that when you're insecure, I know :/ You basically have to throw yourself in at the deep end and just tell him how you feel. I don't think a subtle and slow approach would work here because you'd probably put it off or chicken out.

Don't say you're freaking out because of him - partly because that's not even true. It's the relationship and the prospect of openness that frightens you, not your boyfriend himself, right? (You've said you love him and that he wants to talk to you.) He seems like he'll be able to handle it (hopefully)! :smile:

If you want, you could mention that this happens all the time with you, and that the reason you're telling him is because you want to prevent it this time and that you want things to work out between you. That will hopefully make it clear to him that this serious talk isn't the prelude to 'you're dumped' :P

I hope you can find something in this post useful. Don't give up on this relationship, but more importantly, don't give up on yourself! :hugs:

Reply 9

htid

I wouldn't dump him. If you love him and he loves you and likes to help you, then so be it. Maybe though you should allow yourself some distance from a proper relationship. You can stay with him etc but make sure you get as much freedom as you need. This may be hard for him, cos he probably wants to be close to you, but I guess it's easier to sort out your feelings about being in a relationship when you have some distance from it.

Also, tell him about your eating habits. The best support you can get to get over things is that of a loving boyfriend. And we all have our concerns about being unattractive, and it always turns out that no one's perfect but everyone lovable! :smile:

Reply 10

thebarmaidsmiles

I wouldn't advise you to break up with him, I'm not sure what good that could do. I think it's something you should deal with together. A break-up for the sake of 'saving' another person is just going to put you in a hell of a state, and leave him hurt and bemused.

I do understand where you're coming from though. My boyfriend's sick to death of me suggesting he leaves me lol. I freak out a lot. Incredibly he just calms me down, says 'you're pushing me away again, and I'm not going anywhere'. You guy sounds like a decent one too. If you explain it to him he'll feel more involved and realise the 'pushing away' is probably a symptom of something else other than an unhappy relationship.

I can't say why you push him away, but the eating disorder is probably at the heart of it. For me, I feel I've got a lot on my plate whereas my boyfriend is settling into his new life (year abroad) much better than he ever has before. It's hard asking for help when you know the other person is ok - you start thinking 'well their only problem at the moment is me'. I felt bad for being down and tell myself that no-one would want to put up with me. For me, pushing someone away until they give up fulfills that idea, regardless of the fact it's me doing the pushing, and they'd happily hang around. Sadly, when you're in a state like that, sometimes being 'right' and being on your own and feeling sorry for yourself becomes more important than admitting you need help, and more importantly that the problem isn't in the relationship.

Like I said, sit down and talk it through with him. Write it out first so it makes sense in your head, and he'll hopefuly get it a bit better. You don't have to go through it alone and as long as he feels involved and up to date, I'm sure the 'pushing away' won't be an issue.

I'm sure in the rational moments you know you want to be together right?

Reply 11

zzzzzoe

11

maybe youre just afriad of intimacy or something..?

Reply 12

suicidal_dream

1

the idea of being in a relationship is that you talk to the person you're with.

when i had my eating disorder (it all started because of my boyfriend at the time who then dumped me)... but in the end he realised what he'd done and he helped me.

my current boyfriend is always worried about the possibility of me relapsing BUT if i talk to him, it lightens the load on me. it means i can share things with him and he knows whats going on so he can understand if i say/do some weird things.

please talk to him, he'll be able to support you (if he's a nice guy!)

Reply 13

fallen_acorns

20

Hey,
Dont usualy post on this forum, but reading this i thought i should.
I have the exact same problem with my girlfriend (im a guy), the constant freaking out, pushing them away, worrying over nothing, etc etc., and all i can say is just give it time, the longer your with him, the more comfortable around him you will become, its what happened to me, took a long long time, but now i barly obsess/freak out at all. When this happens its so worth it :biggrin:

,
In the mean time, just talk to him, its the only thing that can really help.
Hope this helps
Nathan

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

Anonymous

Hi,

I dont know who esle to talk to as i can't talk to me friends and family is out of the picutre. Plus, you guys on here are really nice and give good advice.

The problem is that i'm pushing away my boyfriend, i always done it saidf to myself 'it isn't working', making some lame exsuce and break up with them.

I love him dearly i just have a habit of properly freaking out, i go all paniky. For example, I couldn handle it (relationship?letting some in? i dont really know) so i just left in the middle of the night when i was staying round his.

My boyfriend knows i freak out, and says to me 'tell me when you freak- we'll talk'. But how do you say to someone 'im freaking out about being with you?'. Plus i sound like a looser. In additon, my little eating problem (which i must confess is getting bad again), isn't helping my insecurties and confidence.

AAAAArrrghhh! Anyone else do this? how did you dealw with it with your partner?

Anon x

I'm just like you. :redface:

Everytime I get close to a guy - or have a boyfriend. I push him away, because I panick.
More because I think he'll end up disliking me, I'm not worth the hassle I put him through, with my esteem and eating problems, and self harm.

But I'm with a guy now - and he's amazing.
He's been my best friend, and we've both liked each other a long time. And he stood by throughout everything.
He helps me with confidence, he'll talk to me about eating and stuff, he won't pressure me, but he'll help. I've stopped self harm, under his influence, as much as I'd love to again ( :frown:

) I won't, because he's done so much for me in all aspects.
And I panick because I'm scared of getting to close, then him leaving. Or him hurting me.
So I'll push him away. :frown:

He knows what I get like, as I've explained it. And he understands, so when I opush him away, he gives me a little time and space. And then we end up okay.
We're still together after 8 months :p:

Myeh. I hope my slightly enlightening story helps.

Your boyfriend obviously wants to support you - it's a very nice thing he's done by saying tell him when your going to "freak out" and you should. He'll understand, and you can both begin to overcome it eventually I'm sure. And I'm confident he wouldn't be with you if he didn't think you were worth it. :smile:

You tried going to a doctors about your eating problem?
I hope you feel better soon.
&Don't let your insecurities get you down. - like I said. Your boyfriend thinks your worth it. So there's gotta be SOMETHING good about you. :wink:

Good luck with it all. :biggrin:

Reply 15

jrt87

chester_2005

If you have several insecurities; eating problems, self esteem etc. it's probably best if you weren't in a relationship. You should tell him how you really feel, your concerns about yourself, and perhaps put romance to the side while you get yourself back up to a healthy happy person again!

Fantastic answer and saved me the job. It may sound harsh, but it's the best thing all round. You need to back away from a relationship for a decent length of time and focus more on dealing with your issues. Your pushing him away because your not secure/ready to be in that intimate state with him.

Reply 16

t0x.

OP i know exactly how you feel :frown:

i wouldnt advise breaking up with him, can he handle the way you are?
also, how about taking mini time outs? i find they really help me, coz the space calms me down..and i do miss my guy.
Feel free to PM me though :smile:

my brains kinda on empty at mo.

Reply 17

love2learn

4

I have really big problems about letting people in too. I find it helps if I tell people who are getting close this. And then suddenly by admitting to this I've let them in and it doesn't seem so difficult and scary any more.

Hope this helps :smile:

Reply 18

Phantom Phoenix

13

chester_2005

By the sounds of it, if you don't tell him you WILL make yourself go crazy!

You have to be (here comes the cliche) cruel to be kind. If you tell him, and let him go it will be better for you both. The time apart will allow you to get to yourself back on track and will allow him to be more sensitive towards you.
He will most likely understand and want to help you, but if he calls you crazy or stupid because of the eating problem then it's not even worth sparing his feelings if he's going to be insensitive towards something like an eating disorder.

Fantastic answer and saved me the job. It may sound harsh, but it's the best thing all round. You need to back away from a relationship for a decent length of time and focus more on dealing with your issues. Your pushing him away because your not secure/ready to be in that intimate state with him.

Hell, no! No, no, no! I've had the same problem, I had various anxiety-type stuff going on and I pushed my boyfriend away/tried to leave him "for his own good" time after time when we were first going out, he was incredibly and undeservedly patient with me for months until finally I began to settle down. I'm a much calmer and stabler person for having stayed with him. If I'd left him and we'd tried to get back together, it would probably have happened again, but by staying together, I worked through it with his help. You don't fix this stuff by running away - you tackle it head on. I had an amazing boyfriend who was ready to put up with all my freak-outs because he thought I was worth it.

The OP sounds like they have a great boyfriend who wants to help them through this too. Believe me, OP, it's well worth it and you will eventually stop freaking out. You have an amazing boyfriend who won't let you put him off, so talk to him, establish that it may take a while before you calm down permanently but that it will happen and you really appreciate him. Oh, and it doesn't sound like he'll reject you for an ED - I had scars all over me and was half-starved after being very ill and my guy didn't care. Some men are just naturally wonderful - hang onto yours with both hands and good luck, I promise it gets better :smile:

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

OP

Hi,

thanks for all your replies. Im gonna stick it. I just think soemtimes is this what i want?its not fair on him, maybe he should find someone 'normal'. But i know thats the 'freaking out' destructive person saying that, when all i want is to be hugged and looked after. even though i pretend and pronouce how independent i am.

Just feel a bit lost, especially with family f#cking me off, shouting at me.mI guess im pushing him away trying to break free, and run away. But i think facing problems is better - right? I just think he'll get tired of me saying 'im freaking out'.........No wants that as a g/f.....do they?

A x

Freaking out when in arelationship - Pushing B/f away

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