South Asian, Muslim family won't let me move out for uni?

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Anonymous #1
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I'm applying to universities soon and my mum is trying to make me apply to all London unis. I definitely don't want this as I'm sick of her controlling behaviour, e.g. having to be home by 9 etc. I really want to move out but I know she and my sister and my aunts will guilt trip me so much and scream at me and try and force me to stay. I can't deal with this any longer, everyone else is having a good college social life whereas I'm only allowed to go out once a week and must be home by 9. I really want to leave but when my older brother moved out for uni, they gave him so much **** for it. Should I just do it anyway, despite all the stress, hostility and dysfunction it will inevitably lead to?
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Trapz99
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Just choose the universities you want to go to
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Ravenous
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Tell them it's very normal for Asian Muslim girls to move out for uni nowadays, and that their view is quite backwards.
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Michiyo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm applying to universities soon and my mum is trying to make me apply to all London unis. I definitely don't want this as I'm sick of her controlling behaviour, e.g. having to be home by 9 etc. I really want to move out but I know she and my sister and my aunts will guilt trip me so much and scream at me and try and force me to stay. I can't deal with this any longer, everyone else is having a good college social life whereas I'm only allowed to go out once a week and must be home by 9. I really want to leave but when my older brother moved out for uni, they gave him so much **** for it. Should I just do it anyway, despite all the stress, hostility and dysfunction it will inevitably lead to?
Do it.

Go to a university you want, even if that is not a London university.

If you must, you can keep it a secret from them until you move out so as to avoid the stress. If they try to make you seem like the bad guy for doing that, tell them that you had to keep it a secret because they left you with no other option.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Trapz99)
Just choose the universities you want to go to
But then I will have to deal with a year of hostility and anger
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Ravenous)
Tell them it's very normal for Asian Muslim girls to move out for uni nowadays, and that their view is quite backwards.
They don't care, all my mum thinks about is how other people will view her.
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Integer
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Do it, say you're becoming an adult and you can do what you want. Your brother did it and so can you uni is a chance to get away
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Michiyo)
Do it.

Go to a university you want, even if that is not a London university.

If you must, you can keep it a secret from them until you move out so as to avoid the stress. If they try to make you seem like the bad guy for doing that, tell them that you had to keep it a secret because they left you with no other option.
But when they find out it will be such a huge scandal. My mum has told me that I won't be moving out for two years now and she makes me feel so guilty. She'll say stuff like 'it broke my heart when your brother left, don't hurt me like that'
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Integer)
Do it, say you're becoming an adult and you can do what you want. Your brother did it and so can you uni is a chance to get away
I know I need to take the opportunity but I'm so afraid because my mum was broken when my brother moved out and she's always telling me not to hurt her like he did.
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BigBadAsh
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Tight Asian parents are the worst.
If you really want to move out, just do it, she'll have to suck it up sooner or later, and accept you've grown up.
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Integer
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know I need to take the opportunity but I'm so afraid because my mum was broken when my brother moved out and she's always telling me not to hurt her like he did.
You're going to get a job and move out one day, that's inevitable. They can't turn on you for doing that
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by BigBadAsh)
Tight Asian parents are the worst.
If you really want to move out, just do it, she'll have to suck it up sooner or later, and accept you've grown up.
Yh I guess I'll have to, I'm just not looking forward to the next year of my family hating me
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Rexx18
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm applying to universities soon and my mum is trying to make me apply to all London unis. I definitely don't want this as I'm sick of her controlling behaviour, e.g. having to be home by 9 etc. I really want to move out but I know she and my sister and my aunts will guilt trip me so much and scream at me and try and force me to stay. I can't deal with this any longer, everyone else is having a good college social life whereas I'm only allowed to go out once a week and must be home by 9. I really want to leave but when my older brother moved out for uni, they gave him so much **** for it. Should I just do it anyway, despite all the stress, hostility and dysfunction it will inevitably lead to?
Apart from the fact she's an over-protective parent, you should try to have a conversation with her. Children leaving their parents for university and most likely moving out of the house forever is a perfectly natural thing, it's just the next event in life. Some parents, understandably, find it difficult to accept but your mother needs to realise that she's doing you more harm by trying to force you to stay at home. She needs to accept the fact you need to study to actually have a career later in life, parents really need to realise that their kids can't live with them forever. If anything, she should be proud of you leaving the house and becoming independent.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Integer)
You're going to get a job and move out one day, that's inevitable. They can't turn on you for doing that
My sister is 24, has a full time job but she's not even allowed to move out. We're not 'allowed' to leave until we're married.
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Michiyo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
But when they find out it will be such a huge scandal. My mum has told me that I won't be moving out for two years now and she makes me feel so guilty. She'll say stuff like 'it broke my heart when your brother left, don't hurt me like that'
And so what? What will happen? They cannot do anything to you.

My reaction: ASDFGHJKL;;;

And SO WHAT it 'hurt' her? You know who will hurt most if you listen to her? YOU. Because if you listen to her, you will not go to a university you like, you will most likely not enjoy your university life, and you will waste time in a place where you will not be as happy as you can be. Your future and happiness are more important than her oversensitiveness. She needs to get over it and accept that children grow up and go away for university.

No one can decide when you will move out except for yourself. If you want to move out for university, do it. Your mother has no say in this.

Seriously, she is just trying to manipulate you. Do not listen to her and do what you truly want to do. The worst that can happen is that your mother will be angry, and that will not matter when you will be in another city.
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MrsSheldonCooper
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Wow your thread brings back memories for me OP. Was in the same position as you last year around this time. Whenever we went on applicant days away from London my mum would always guilt trip me (or at least she tried to) about moving away and do the opposite for my brother.

I ended up applying for unis away from London in secret. I think my closest one was about 1 hour 15 minutes away? Anyway it was a bloodbath when she found out. But now she's just had to grit her teeth and deal with it.

It sounds harsh OP but you can't put a stop on what you want just because of what your parents want. Otherwise they'll never let you have your way and you'll miss out on so much. Also next time your mum tries to guilt trip you, ask if she wants you to be happy or her friends to be. Good luck x
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Rexx18)
Apart from the fact she's an over-protective parent, you should try to have a conversation with her. Children leaving their parents for university and most likely moving out of the house forever is a perfectly natural thing, it's just the next event in life. Some parents, understandably, find it difficult to accept but your mother needs to realise that she's doing you more harm by trying to force you to stay at home. She needs to accept the fact you need to study to actually have a career later in life, parents really need to realise that their kids can't live with them forever. If anything, she should be proud of you leaving the house and becoming independent.
I've tried to talk to her but Asian parents just don't have that mentality. All they care about is what other people will think and she just assumes I'd be moving out in order to drink and do drugs and have sex with boys. I've tried to change her mind several times, it's going to be even harder because my older sister is just as against me moving out as my mum is. However I do think part of that could be down to the fact that she never got to move out and she doesn't want to be alone with just my mum.
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Michiyo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've tried to talk to her but Asian parents just don't have that mentality. All they care about is what other people will think and she just assumes I'd be moving out in order to drink and do drugs and have sex with boys. I've tried to change her mind several times, it's going to be even harder because my older sister is just as against me moving out as my mum is. However I do think part of that could be down to the fact that she never got to move out and she doesn't want to be alone with just my mum.
Make a secret plan to move out with your sister and help her do it, then If she moves out too, she will have no reason to be against you moving out
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Michiyo)
And so what? What will happen? They cannot do anything to you.

My reaction: ASDFGHJKL;;;

And SO WHAT it 'hurt' her? You know who will hurt most if you listen to her? YOU. Because if you listen to her, you will not go to a university you like, you will most likely not enjoy your university life, and you will waste time in a place where you will not be as happy as you can be. Your future and happiness are more important than her oversensitiveness. She needs to get over it and accept that children grow up and go away for university.

No one can decide when you will move out except for yourself. If you want to move out for university, do it. Your mother has no say in this.

Seriously, she is just trying to manipulate you. Do not listen to her and do what you truly want to do. The worst that can happen is that your mother will be angry, and that will not matter when you will be in another city.
That's incredibly true, when it comes down to it all she can do is cry and make me feel bad. She can't actually stop me. I know I'd be so unhappy if I stayed at home. I'm 18 in October and I've never been to a party, never been to a sleepover, never allowed to go camping with friends. I've missed out on so much already, I can't miss out on uni life as well.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by MrsSheldonCooper)
Wow your thread brings back memories for me OP. Was in the same position as you last year around this time. Whenever we went on applicant days away from London my mum would always guilt trip me (or at least she tried to) about moving away and do the opposite for my brother.

I ended up applying for unis away from London in secret. I think my closest one was about 1 hour 15 minutes away? Anyway it was a bloodbath when she found out. But now she's just had to grit her teeth and deal with it.

It sounds harsh OP but you can't put a stop on what you want just because of what your parents want. Otherwise they'll never let you have your way and you'll miss out on so much. Also next time your mum tries to guilt trip you, ask if she wants you to be happy or her friends to be. Good luck x
I completely agree, the next time my mum brings up unis I'm going to tell her that I plan on leaving and if she goes on a mad one because of it (which she definitely will) I'll just do it in secret. I just want the full uni experience and to feel normal for once.
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