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The sweetest guy, how to let him down?
I'm posting anon as I know he has an account on here but I'm not sure how often he comes on 
Basically this year a new fresher moved into one of my mates flats and we got on really, really well. We have a lot in common, read the same books, listen to the same music, play the same games. He kind of doesn't fit in at uni and a lot of our mates are nasty to him because he does kind of stick out if you know what I mean, so I stick up for him a lot. Because of this he has some kind of puppy love for me.
Our mates tease him about it and are always asking me if I'm going to sympathy shag him as he is a virgin, which winds me up no end. I love this guy to bits, he is so kind to me but because I love him like that I wouldn't want his first time to be with someone who doesn't love him.
Anyway the other night I was really drunk and quite upset and irrational and he came over to look after me, I was sort of falling asleep on the sofa and I must have dozed off because I woke up and he was kissing me. It was his first kiss with anyone. I feel really angry at him now, like it was a violation of our friendship but at the same time I do pity him. I need to let him know I really don't think of him like that but at the same time I don't want to hurt his pride or lose his friendship. I just can't tell him he is too nice for me (which he is!) because he is always bemoaning the fact that he is 'the nice guy'.
Please someone advise me, I don't want to lose my best friend.
Basically this year a new fresher moved into one of my mates flats and we got on really, really well. We have a lot in common, read the same books, listen to the same music, play the same games. He kind of doesn't fit in at uni and a lot of our mates are nasty to him because he does kind of stick out if you know what I mean, so I stick up for him a lot. Because of this he has some kind of puppy love for me.
Our mates tease him about it and are always asking me if I'm going to sympathy shag him as he is a virgin, which winds me up no end. I love this guy to bits, he is so kind to me but because I love him like that I wouldn't want his first time to be with someone who doesn't love him.
Anyway the other night I was really drunk and quite upset and irrational and he came over to look after me, I was sort of falling asleep on the sofa and I must have dozed off because I woke up and he was kissing me. It was his first kiss with anyone. I feel really angry at him now, like it was a violation of our friendship but at the same time I do pity him. I need to let him know I really don't think of him like that but at the same time I don't want to hurt his pride or lose his friendship. I just can't tell him he is too nice for me (which he is!) because he is always bemoaning the fact that he is 'the nice guy'.
Please someone advise me, I don't want to lose my best friend.
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Reply 1
12
You'll just have to tell it to him straight. A best mate can say anything to another mate and it'd be fine - obviously I'd urge you to employ tact, and TONNES of it, but honesty is the only answer!
Reply 2
And I thought all girls just wanted a really nice guy? lol.
OP: Tell him that you're friends, you're not going out and you're not going to be at any point. You like him as a friend, but he's not going to jepordise that by coming onto you.
OP: Tell him that you're friends, you're not going out and you're not going to be at any point. You like him as a friend, but he's not going to jepordise that by coming onto you.
Reply 3
i hate being in that situation it is the worst! i have had so many things like that in my life when you only want to be friends but they want more im afraid it mostly ends up with the friendship abit damaged but i dont know what kind of guy he is so it might be different im just speaking from experiance.. so is there any part of you that wants to be with him?!
Reply 4
Sehnsucht
And I thought all girls just wanted a really nice guy? lol.
OP: Tell him that you're friends, you're not going out and you're not going to be at any point. You like him as a friend, but he's not going to jepordise that by coming onto you.
OP: Tell him that you're friends, you're not going out and you're not going to be at any point. You like him as a friend, but he's not going to jepordise that by coming onto you.
We do, I'm just not very good at relationships and I'm pretty ****ed in the head right now. I need friends not boyfriends at the moment.
It's like this crush is in the way right now, I'm not sure how to look at him or how to talk to him. I don't want to lead him on but I am a naturally flirty touchy person, and I'm analysing everything I say and do towards him.
Reply 5
but maybe you should just say it other then having to be careful around him incase hes analysing everything your doing to and realizes that your not being the same he might be embaressed about that or maybe hurt that you cant tell him how you fell you know
Reply 6
11
Anonymous
We do, I'm just not very good at relationships and I'm pretty ****ed in the head right now. I need friends not boyfriends at the moment.
It's like this crush is in the way right now, I'm not sure how to look at him or how to talk to him. I don't want to lead him on but I am a naturally flirty touchy person, and I'm analysing everything I say and do towards him.
It's like this crush is in the way right now, I'm not sure how to look at him or how to talk to him. I don't want to lead him on but I am a naturally flirty touchy person, and I'm analysing everything I say and do towards him.
Tell him this basically. Be honest. Maybe he'll try and change your mind like I feel obliged to
Reply 7
12
You need to sit him down and talk to him and tell him that even though he's a great guy you feel like he took advantage by kissing you when you were passed out (wtf?! Even if he is innocent and you feel bad for him, who does that?! Creepy!), and you don't feel like that about him anyhow.
No use in beating around the bush or "being less flirty" and hoping he gets the hint. It'll just be painful and awkward for both of you.
No use in beating around the bush or "being less flirty" and hoping he gets the hint. It'll just be painful and awkward for both of you.
Reply 8
Anonymous
I just can't tell him he is too nice for me (which he is!) because he is always bemoaning the fact that he is 'the nice guy'.
Please someone advise me, I don't want to lose my best friend.
Please someone advise me, I don't want to lose my best friend.
He is too nice for you? Man, that is some ****ed up ****. I'd be more worried about the fact that he kissed you while you were asleep, rather than him being "too nice".
Reply 9
personally he sounds like a drip, a loser and a creep - ok hes socially inept thats one thing, unable to stand up for himself thats another, but kissing you when your asleep - thats sexual assualt, what the hell would he have done if you hadnt woke up?
Reply 10
doesnt bear thinking about.But yeah i agree with most of the posters above, you obviously dont like him the same way he likes you, and no amount of talking to him about it will make you change your mind i dont think. So you just need to tell him that you really dont want anything beyond friendship with him, and you dont think you ever will. and hopefully because your friendship means that much to the pair of you, he'll be fine with it (obviously a little upset) but eventually over all fine. And I also think you should make it absolutely clear that you dont like his advances, especially when youre vulnerable, he should be looking out for you when youre in a situation like that rather than taking advantage.
Communication is the answer here, but be careful, he seems a bit fragile. Asure him you definitely want to stay best friends with him.
Reply 11
15
The guy was way in the wrong for kissing you when you're passed out, but I see that as the only wrong thing this guy's done - I take particular exception to the comments about him being a "loser" (although that would be because I see a lot of myself in this guy, sans the kissing thing).
DO NOT say "you're too nice for me" under any circumstance - I've heard it before and it doesn't help, but simply infuriate. Just tell him how it is, and let him know you're not comfortable with what he did. Honestly is the best policy, yet so many people opt for the "it's not you, it's me" approach or something equally fallacious.
DO NOT say "you're too nice for me" under any circumstance - I've heard it before and it doesn't help, but simply infuriate. Just tell him how it is, and let him know you're not comfortable with what he did. Honestly is the best policy, yet so many people opt for the "it's not you, it's me" approach or something equally fallacious.
Reply 12
11
Easy to let him down just say you feel uncomfortable after he made a pass at you when you were sleeping
Sounds very creepy
Hardly my idea of a sweet guy.
Sounds very creepy
Hardly my idea of a sweet guy.
Reply 13
Ok, when I say he kissed me I don't mean he rammed his tongue down my gob or was oarally raping me or anything. Just like a kiss.
It isn't that he can't stand up for himself just that he doesn't want to, he is quiet and always wants to please people whereas I can be loud, and cocky.
It isn't that he can't stand up for himself just that he doesn't want to, he is quiet and always wants to please people whereas I can be loud, and cocky.
Reply 14
15
Actually looking at your OP, you've said you love him, you've said you have a lot in common... why the hell don't you just have a relationship with him? If it's because he's a bit of a loser, that is, frankly, a pathetic reason.
Reply 15
oh my word...ok whatever happens DO NOT go out with him!
my best mate (guy) really fancied me and kept asking me to go out with him week after week after week. I kept telling him i only wanted him as a friend and it would be way to awkward anyway because he was more of a brother to me. did he listen?NO.
so i give in...we go out...in a week or so i tell him the truth - I don't fancy him.
He's so pissed off with me he doesnt talk to me for two years.
idiot. seriously..guys arent mature enough to understand why it shouldnt happen, but we are
so just dont go there
my best mate (guy) really fancied me and kept asking me to go out with him week after week after week. I kept telling him i only wanted him as a friend and it would be way to awkward anyway because he was more of a brother to me. did he listen?NO.
so i give in...we go out...in a week or so i tell him the truth - I don't fancy him.
He's so pissed off with me he doesnt talk to me for two years.
idiot. seriously..guys arent mature enough to understand why it shouldnt happen, but we are
so just dont go thereReply 16
It isn't, if I thought that I wouldn't be hanging around him at all. I'm not shallow.
I don't want to be the first girl to break his heart (I undoubtedly would) and I think that as well as we work as friends in a while he will become sick of the people we hang around with and become more withdrawn. I also sometimes think he can be very possesive.
I do love him, we get on but we still argue... he is like a brother.
I don't want to be the first girl to break his heart (I undoubtedly would) and I think that as well as we work as friends in a while he will become sick of the people we hang around with and become more withdrawn. I also sometimes think he can be very possesive.
I do love him, we get on but we still argue... he is like a brother.
Reply 17
Dionysus
Actually looking at your OP, you've said you love him, you've said you have a lot in common... why the hell don't you just have a relationship with him? If it's because he's a bit of a loser, that is, frankly, a pathetic reason.
She already said.
We do, I'm just not very good at relationships and I'm pretty ****ed in the head right now. I need friends not boyfriends at the moment.
I understand this completely. I don't let anyone that close really anyway (aside from very rare occasions when I feel I can trust someone that much) but right now, it would have to be a REALLY compatible and understanding girl for me to want to start anything serious. I'm certainly scatterbrained at the moment and I really do need a significant length of time to get my life in check before I even contemplate the idea.
I find most people who are generally secure can't understand this logic at all. It really doesn't "fix you" to start a relationship. It's a selfish and redundant act. It will always end in tears/probably loss of their friendship too.
If your good friends you first need to reassure the guy that he doesn't need to be embarrassed. That's what will be eating away at him now, more than any potential rejection. If you nip it in the bud quick enough, and he's as nice as you say he is (and doesn't play pathetic mind games) you should be ok. Then, go do a lot of stuff as friends, you need to establish that friendship and help roll over any awkward feeling. Then give him this advice if he's always the nice guy - "stop being overtly nice!!". I learned this a few years back. Usually if your the type of guy who didn't get much/any attention in secondary school, you probably spent your time saying "when I finally get a girl I'll be this nice...". You then run with it and overdo it (and screw up relationships with it). Moreover, it gets to the stage where you do just come across as the "nice friend", and no girl ever wants to be more. Tell him to be a little more assertive/mysterious/interesting and take his foot of the "treat her like a princess" BS pedal. I've found girls find that uncomfortable in large amounts.
Reply 18
The truth, it's the only way.
Plain and simple, so that there is no room for misinterpretation.
Gogo.
Plain and simple, so that there is no room for misinterpretation.
Gogo.
Reply 19
jrt87
She already said.
I understand this completely. I don't let anyone that close really anyway (aside from very rare occasions when I feel I can trust someone that much) but right now, it would have to be a REALLY compatible and understanding girl for me to want to start anything serious. I'm certainly scatterbrained at the moment and I really do need a significant length of time to get my life in check before I even contemplate the idea.
I find most people who are generally secure can't understand this logic at all. It really doesn't "fix you" to start a relationship. It's a selfish and redundant act. It will always end in tears/probably loss of their friendship too.
If your good friends you first need to reassure the guy that he doesn't need to be embarrassed. That's what will be eating away at him now, more than any potential rejection. If you nip it in the bud quick enough, and he's as nice as you say he is (and doesn't play pathetic mind games) you should be ok. Then, go do a lot of stuff as friends, you need to establish that friendship and help roll over any awkward feeling. Then give him this advice if he's always the nice guy - "stop being overtly nice!!". I learned this a few years back. Usually if your the type of guy who didn't get much/any attention in secondary school, you probably spent your time saying "when I finally get a girl I'll be this nice...". You then run with it and overdo it (and screw up relationships with it). Moreover, it gets to the stage where you do just come across as the "nice friend", and no girl ever wants to be more. Tell him to be a little more assertive/mysterious/interesting and take his foot of the "treat her like a princess" BS pedal. I've found girls find that uncomfortable in large amounts.
I understand this completely. I don't let anyone that close really anyway (aside from very rare occasions when I feel I can trust someone that much) but right now, it would have to be a REALLY compatible and understanding girl for me to want to start anything serious. I'm certainly scatterbrained at the moment and I really do need a significant length of time to get my life in check before I even contemplate the idea.
I find most people who are generally secure can't understand this logic at all. It really doesn't "fix you" to start a relationship. It's a selfish and redundant act. It will always end in tears/probably loss of their friendship too.
If your good friends you first need to reassure the guy that he doesn't need to be embarrassed. That's what will be eating away at him now, more than any potential rejection. If you nip it in the bud quick enough, and he's as nice as you say he is (and doesn't play pathetic mind games) you should be ok. Then, go do a lot of stuff as friends, you need to establish that friendship and help roll over any awkward feeling. Then give him this advice if he's always the nice guy - "stop being overtly nice!!". I learned this a few years back. Usually if your the type of guy who didn't get much/any attention in secondary school, you probably spent your time saying "when I finally get a girl I'll be this nice...". You then run with it and overdo it (and screw up relationships with it). Moreover, it gets to the stage where you do just come across as the "nice friend", and no girl ever wants to be more. Tell him to be a little more assertive/mysterious/interesting and take his foot of the "treat her like a princess" BS pedal. I've found girls find that uncomfortable in large amounts.
Wow, are you like inside my head or what! I just don't know how to broach the subject now, it's not like he openly admits it so we could talk about it... I just know, you know? Our friends tell me he talks about me but he won't say it to my face.
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