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Friend/Housemate Troubles

I just need a bit of advice really, as I don't know if I'm being overly paranoid or unreasonable or what! This could get quite long, sorry.

I've lived with the same bunch of girls since first year (I'm now in third year), first in halls and now in a house (the same one for both second and third year). I'll make up some names for us all, if I use letters i'll get confusing! So for the purposes of this post, I'm Anna, and I lived with Helen, Shelly, Sally and Danielle, and then Danielle moved out to do a year abroad and now we have a new housemate called Alice. I'm confused already actually :p:

Anyway, it's been a bit of a messy few years I suppose. In first year, myself Shelly and Sally were quite horrible to Danielle and excluded her a fair bit, which I fully recognise, have apologised for profusely and still feel terrible about (you can call me a bitch all you like, I'll agree with you). Shelly and Sally deny this completely though, and claim Danielle excluded herself. We'd bitch about her behind her back all the time, justifying it by saying she was annoying us and that if we didn't talk about it amongst ourselves we'd end up having a go at her to her face. What a *******s excuse, it was awful.

Then in second year, myself and Sally got a lot closer and Shelly and I stopped seeing eye-to-eye. We're completely different people basically, we live totally differently. Sally started bitching to me about Shelly regularly and I suppose I got sucked into that as well, which I also feel terrible about. Yes, I am a horrible person.

Sally had to suspend her studies for the second term of second year because she says she was depressed, which to be honest I know for a fact wasn't true, she just couldn't be arsed to do any university work. Whilst she was gone though, something great happened - me, Shelly and Danielle started getting along really well! We put everything behind us, made our apologies and had a really good term.

The start of this academic year was fine. I completely changed myself this summer, I lost weight, stopped being such a childish bitch, started to take my studies seriously and when I came back to uni, joined some societies. So I'm all on track properly and having a good time with my housemates, when it all goes wrong again. It all started when I decided to quit my job to concentrate on uni. I didn't deal with it very well and Sally, who claims to have a new 'take **** from no-one' attitude, attacked me about it for God knows what reason. It's nothing to do with her.

After that, Helen and I noticed that Shelly (who I worked with until quitting) and Sally used to disappear into each other's rooms a lot and stop talking when anyone came upstairs (we have really, really thin walls!). Everything I say, they really aggressively disagree with, even if it's something petty. For example, the other day I said I was going to see a film with my boyfriend but I wasn't looking forward to it because it sounded rubbish and within seconds they were both vociferously defending the film, despite not having seen it! Another example, I said I liked Shelly's pyjamas as a joke, as I'd bought them for her as a present, and she immediately got really crappy and said her boyfriend hated them.

I can't do anything right in their eyes. Last week I left a pair of shoes in the living room and forgot they were there, and Shelly got really ****ty because they were there and threw them around the room, at my PS2! Sometimes we do all the washing up that's left in the worktop as a nice gesture for everyone but lately, they'll do literally every piece of washing up for Alice and Helen but leave mine. And the other night I popped out to my boyfriend's for an hour or so, leaving my little bedroom lamp on for when I came in so it wouldn't be completely pitch black (I live on a floor on my own, and they turn out every other light) and they actually went into my bedroom and switched it off, which I find a complete invasion of my privacy as I'd never go into their rooms without permission.

I know it all sounds so petty but I get the general impression that Sally has deemed me her new target, looking at her track record. She seems to be the ring-leader and decides who should be excluded based on her whims. I'm quite sure that when they disappear into each others rooms for hours they're talking about me. Yesterday, my mum came to visit and had to pass Shelly and Sally on her way to the loo. She said she heard them mention my name and completely stop talking when she walked past - she told me to watch out for them before I'd even mentioned that anything was wrong! My boyfriend has noticed it too, and even my grandmother.

But then I think of the evidence - ie. NOT MUCH - and feel like a complete paranoid weirdo. And I just wonder if I deserve all of this for going along with Sally's bitching for the past two years. I feel so, so awful for what I did to Danielle and Shelly and I'm so glad we'd sorted it out, but now it's like this again.

I don't feel comfortable leaving my bedroom, I time using the kitchen and toilet so I know they won't be around. I don't want to see them or talk to them or have anything to do with them but they're so fake that when I do see them they act all

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Haha, didn't finish it! Sorry it's so long :frown:

Anyway, they act all nice but then I hear them whispering when I leave. I'm a pretty strong person and I do stick up for myself so I'd really love just to duke it out with them, but I can't see it happening. They just seem to love making my life a misery - I've had 5 cold showers in the past 5 weeks because they only keep the hot water on for a tiny amount of time and use it all themselves.

I literally do not know what to do. I have nothing concrete that I can say to them about the bitching because I've never properly caught them doing it, and they won't stop excluding me from things or arguing with everything I say. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or had been in the same situation?

Reply 2

Poet

Sounds like a house full of bitchy girls if you ask me. At one point or another, a group of you have bitched about the one!
I don't really know what to say except that at your 3rd year at uni, shouldn't you have all grown out of this?
Just carry on with your own life. Don't hide away in your room and cower away from the, just carry on with your own life. And try making some other friends. If they're that bitchy then you shouldn't want to really be mates with them. Just get on with your life and ignore them. They'll soon get the message that you don't care what they think and they'll feel immature.
Oh, and just do your own washing up. It's not a big deal. If they se you upset about them bitching then they'll carry on. Just move on.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Lol, I know the washing up thing sounded pathetic and obviously I do do my own washing up, it's just another way they're making it clear that I'm not part of their little gang any more. I have my friends from my course and socs but it's just not nice to live with it every day, you know? :frown:

I honestly don't care what they say about me or whether I'm friends with them or not but it is getting me down having to live with it every day, I just wish they'd say it to my face and get it over with. It's so bloody childish.

Do you think confronting them about it would be a good idea? Or should I just leave it and put up with it?

Reply 4

jointhedots

Why are you still living with these people :s-smilie:

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Because I've signed a contract and have nowhere else to live. Plus it's a really good house in a good location, and I couldn't deal with the hassle of moving out now with the workload I have at the moment.

Reply 6

Saffie

is there one of them you're closer to? maybe tell her how crap it's making you feel and hope she does something to stop it all..

Ride that out for a bit, then full on argument if you're up to it. But that could make it all much worse so isn't first line action.

Reply 7

evil groove

Try and get every one to sit down together in one room. Don't talk about the past, but the present. Say that (even though they will deny it) you are made to feel uncomfortable by these girls, point them out- say, "you and you". Look into their eyes, tell them exactly how they make you feel. That it is their fault. Have it out with them, but not in an aggressive way, but in a professional way.

It's got this bad because there's no communication so you're all suspicious of one another. You'll probably find out why they're bothered by you, too, when they try to defend themselves. Don't let themselves refer to themselves as a duo. Make sure they know that you think they are individually responsible for their own behaviour.

It'll be tear-y and self-righteous, a bit dull and very drawn out, but whatever happens, do not let anyone leave that room until all the issues are sorted, else you may find yourself pushed down the stairs one dark night.

Reply 8

Kater Murr

Wow - I've never met people so bitchy! It's pretty unlucky that you're with these girls, but all I can say is - keep your head down and finish the year :smile:

Reply 9

evil groove

No, don't keep your head down- sort this out! Of course working is the priority, but it is impossible to concentrate in such an atmosphere anyway.

Reply 10

Hylean

Schokis

ahh, the melodrama right at the end. love it.

the humour-loving side of me says go in guns-ablazing and bitch at them with righteous fury till they are cowering beneath their blankets then smite them with your righteous indignation at such cowardice with your fists till they are too scared to fight back.

however, that would just get you arrested, as fun as it would be for me to watch.

just have it out with them, sit them down and sort it out. jesus, you people really need to learn to talk to each other and stop being bitches. yea, bitching can be healthy if done right but not the way you lot seem to do it. just seems right petty. sort it out, like.

oh, and for the shower thing, just change the setting yourself but do it so they don't know. don't hide the fact you've done it, but don't announce it either. that way you don't look like you've done something wrong.

Reply 11

Donald Duck

God, I'm glad I'm a guy, I'd just fight the bully (sally) and continue my life

Reply 12

sarcasticallysincere

You just need to rise above it - seriously being 3rd years you are probably 20/21 so still acting in that way at that age is beyond ridiculous. You seem to have matured a lot since the first year you described and have realised that what you did to that other girl was wrong. Unfortunately the other girls seem to need to victimse someone in order to gain some kind of self-satisfaction.
What I would recommend is firstly give it slightly more time to see if it changes - it could be that for one reason or another you are being overly sensitive based on past experience. If the situation doesn't seem to get better then pull one of them aside - the one who you are most able to talk to and just be direct without being too confrontational and just ask what is going on and why they seem to be so insecure that they need to gain satisfaction through victimising others. Tell them that you have been feeling slightly depressed because of it. Even though they seem immature in their behaviour they should be old enough to not want to actually inflict misery - they should look at what they are doing and realise that they were wrong. If this still doesn't work then try and involve a mutual friend confide them and ask them to gague the situation for you and to try and talk to them without it being obvious. With reference to the stuff they do I can give no better advice than to say rise above it - it is beyond immature of them. I can only offer you the comfort of saying that they will not survive in their current state in the real world. You can gain some satisfaction knowing that you will be more of a success in the outside world than they will ever be. Finally if your course is longer than 3 years than move somewhere different next year. You say it is a nice house but it is worth slumming it a bit in order to be able to sample living with civilised people who understand the concept of respect. Sorry this was such an essay!

Reply 13

envious

Firstly, I guess in a way this situation is partially a product from your past behaviour as at one time you were one of the "bitchy" group as it were and did participate in their activities, doing very little to intervene to protect others. Now that you are the new target is it any wonder why the others would be less inclined to stand up for you? I'm not claiming that you are a bad person or anything, but just that (as you are no doubt already aware) your past behaviour has meant that you have lost the moral highground and therefore simply relying on shaming the other girls may not work.

Living in this hellish situation however is clearly unacceptable and counter productive to studying due to the constant stress involved with your living conditions. You say you just want to basically confront the situation and I think that this would be a good idea as long as you stick to simply expressing how the relationships between you and your housemates are troubled rather than attempting to place blame. Understandably, nobody likes to hear how they are wrong and I think by trying to accuse people you may just make the housemates that don't like you even more steadfast in their dislike. Hopefully once they know that you realise the amount of bitching that is going on, they will be a little more reluctant to bitch (at least not in an obvious way anyway).

Your housemates don't have to be your best friends but they also shouldn't make you feel so awful about being at home. At the end of the day we all need a haven to escape from the world and if you feel that your house isn't yours to enjoy then you should really do something to rectify this situation.

Reply 14

lucky_star

it seems as if you are now being excluded the same way you excluded Danielle and that other girl in 1st and 2nd years. this is the kind of thing that happens when you live in a house of bitchy immature girls. although you say that you've seen the error of your ways and you're sorry for it, you can hardly blame the other girls for wanting to give you a taste of your own medicine. the same thing happened to our group of friends in year 7 (age 12 lol) one girl went through the whole group targeting different people to be made fun of and trying to string everyone along with her until we eventually realised that she was the problem. we were stupid for being strung along and peer-pressured into excluding the other girls. however, its not really the same issue when you're 20 or 21, its extremely childish at that age. if it really is sally that's the problem then maybe you all need to sort it out with her, try and make her see what she's doing wrong.
if you dont want to sit down and talk to them about it, (i understand that could be awkward and cause even more problems in your house) maybe just hang around more with other friends from your course or whatever, maybe do your extra work in the library instead of at home if you usually do.
i had some problems with one of my housemates last year, she stole stuff from my room (clothes and make up) and i confronted her about it, she denied it and then left the clothes in the spare room without admitting that she'd taken them. she already had a notorious reputation for "borrowing" people's stuff, using them all/breaking them and then denying that she ever borrowed them, so for me that was the last straw. after confronting her, we didnt speak for a while, just tried to avoid being in the living room at the same time etc but i suppose it was ok because we both still spoke to the other 2 girls in our house, and weren't totally alone. after a while we started making small talk and it was fine. i just spent more time with other friends outside of the house and kept up a civil relationship with the other girl for the sake of the atmosphere in the house. you don't have to be best friends with your housemates, as long as you can be civil.

Reply 15

prettygreeneyes99

Sorry but I think its just karma coming around and biting you on the ass! Least you know better for future now. I think you should have it out with them individually, I mean you dont feel comfortable leaving your room so things cant get much worse can they? You dont need anything concrete, they clearly know full well what they're doing and if they try and deny then their even more immature than they sound. Its petty things like what they are doing that are the most annoying, because it winds you up but you cant exactly go off on one about it!

Reply 16

Vohamanah

I lived in a house with 3 girls in 2nd year. One of them I got along with well and would always invite me to go out with them all (I'm a very shy person) and it was great. Then she went to study abroad and the others completely turned against me. I hid in my room all year, stayed at my boyfriend's when I could, in a horrible dirty tiny house with a falling-apart single bed because I didn't want to be at home. Similar kind of things - sudden stopping of talking when I walked in, going into my room when I wasn't there, doing each others washing up but not mine. One that bugged me was if they wanted to do some washing they would take my clothes out of the machine, no matter if they were still wet(it was a washer-drier, but not a very good one), and dump them on the floor in the kitchen. It would have taken a couple of seconds to push the 'dry' button once for another cycle.

I stuck the year out with the help of my boyfriend, who was amazing. But it really is a horrible situation to be in. :frown:

Reply 17

love_mojitos

What goes around, comes around!
Bitching is good at the time, but it can leave you feeling paranoid that they are going to tell the eprson or that they are doing the same about you.
Living in ahouse with people is good but you a some point piss everyone else.
Just write them of as "bad debt" or have it out with them!