No confidence, and feel like i have no friends

Since i started sixth form (im in my second year there now) the little confidence i had has diminished completely. I was never really that outgoing anyway, but i've become even less so since starting college. What has caused this i don't really know, it could be due to the stress of A-levels, a boy making me feel like i'm not a cool enough person, my many many issues with my body and image or a combination of the above. Either way, i have very low self-esteem now. I spend most of my time doing work for school or lounging about the house. I do go dancing at the weekends, and i'm in a local orchestra, but apart from that not much goes on.

I also feel very upset and miserable because i've started to think that none of my "friends" are really my friends. It's always been the same, since primary school very few people have wanted to be friends with me. I thought that i must have a horrible personality, so i tried to change myself, but then realised that i can't really change who i am. The group of people that I hang out with in college are all nice to me when we're at college, but i rarely ever get invited out on the weekends and stuff. Like yesterday, I found out that they had all arranged to go to the local fireworks display tomorrow, and no one had told me. Whether it's because they don't want me there, or that they just assumed someone would pass the message on to me, i don't know. I do have other friends and accquaintances at college, but i don't feel very close to them, and don't know how to become closer to them. At times i feel like most people just use me - not to brag but i am quite clever, get good test scores etc - and so i've started to think people just talk to me so that i will help them when exam times come round. I dunno, i always thought of myself as a nice person, yes i have a hot temper at times, but i keep it well under control and i rarely have outbursts now, so i don't understand why my life is like this. I've never had a boyfriend (been kissed, but by people who live far away from where i live, as far as i know only one person in my area has ever shown an interest in me) and almost all my friends have been in relationships, which has also damaged my confidence. I know people say that loosk arent everything (i don't consider myself great in that department), so then i figure it must be something todo with my personality. And while i know that going to university isnt about finding someone, i have this horrible feeling that when i get there i'll have no friends, will never form a relationship and will be doomed to spinsterhood and isolation for the rest of my life.

Sorry to rant on for so long, i just needed to get this off my chest. Could anyone offer me some advice please?

Reply 1

ph9

10

in my experience regarding your friend problem it's because they may feel you'll reject their invitation anyway or not want to go along. perhaps they feel you're too masked/closed? you said you find it difficult to know how to get closer to people... i think your low self esteem probably plays a huge role in this. i mean how is someone meant to share themself (is that even a word?) with others if they don't even like who they are?

hun you need to learn to love and accept yourself the way you are :smile:

it sounds totally cheesy but this is the simplest way i can put it. usually people with low self esteem think there's some huge complex magical thing other people have that makes them happy and confident. seriously, you just need to love you. next time you find yourself thinking negatively about yourself - stop. stop yourself and say something like 'actually that's not true'. and if it's something that's making you particularly unhappy with yourself that you can CHANGE, then do it! we're always reluctant to make change because we wonder if it's worth stepping outside our comfort zone - will we reach our goals, but take the risk and believe you can do it and trust me, you will.

i've no idea if that's helped you at all but there's my two knuts

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

dont change anything, be who you are not who they want you to be, all will work out fine in the end

Reply 3

marie_1990

You're not alone, you could be describing my life there! I'm just promising myself a new start when I go to uni!

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

marie_1990

You're not alone, you could be describing my life there! I'm just promising myself a new start when I go to uni!

but how do you know that when you get to uni that new start will be there? Or will you just end up in the same situation you are in now? That's my big fear

Reply 5

ph9

10

^ you don't know obviously but you have to be willing to put yourself out there and interact, that's how people make friends

Reply 6

Adarah

16

You need to take a more active role in friendships. You can't just wait for someone to come and invite you out. Have you ever thought that the reason they don't invite you out might be because they don't think you like them since you never invite them out to anything?
May sound stupid, but still, how are they to know that you want to spend time out side of school with them if you don't invite them out? Lots of people are wary about making the first step or to be honest, they just can't be bothered.
You need to actively do something, not just wait around passively for friends to come along. You have to build those friendships.
Plan a trip to the cinema or a girls night in, or similar, and get those friends over (invite loads of them, even if you hardly know them). Make your own pizzas, manicures, girly movies etc.
A few will come and you don't need many for a girl's night in. Just plan it far enough in advance and be enthusiastic about it. Sell yourself and party. Don't put it down: 'Ah, i'm going to have this crap little party, do you fancy coming so I'm not on my own?' be more like: 'Hey, I thought of this great idea - we should have a girl's night in with this and that and it'll be awesome!'
And like I said, sell yourself too. You have a great personality. Now you just have to make sure other's see it too. What do you have to lose? You feel like you don't have any real friends, well, for one inviting them out to things won't make them not want to be friends with your anymore (that would be stupid), but even if for some obscure reason - so what. If you don't feel they're really your friends anyway...
I had my first kiss at 19 and my first boyfriend at 20. There really is no rush. If you actively invite friends over and start oranising things (even if it's just dinner at pizza hut on a Saturday) then you'll soon have some closer friends and guys will come eventually once you are happier with your social life in general.

Reply 7

PasserBy9

11

Anonymous

but how do you know that when you get to uni that new start will be there? Or will you just end up in the same situation you are in now? That's my big fear

I will try and answer that question. I have just started my first year of University and what you described in your first post was very similar to my situation last year. Yeah, I had friends at College but that was exactly what they were, Friends at College, at the weekends I would do my own thing and have to listen to what everyone else did on their weekends (as they probably did it as a group and wanted to talk about it).

Now, the fact that you are asking the above question makes me think that you probably want to fit into University life (have friends, people to do things with at the weekend, people to have lunch with) will mean that you won't be one of these people you see around these parts of TSR asking how you get more friends at Uni.

The New Start is there at Uni whether you want it or not; it's Uni, it's new. As for how do you make sure you have friends ... well you let the fear of Sixth Form repeating itself (the situation where you felt as if you had no friends) completely outweight the shyness that stops you from walking up to strangers/joining in in Freshers' Week.

EVERYONE at the beginning of Uni has the fear of not making friends and EVERYONE has to beat the whole shyness thing. You are therefore have a clean new start at Uni, make what you want of it.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

I guess that makes sense. Not to be argumentative though, it's just i get the feeling that if i did do something like that, e.g. invite people round, or organise a trip somewhere, then either no one would want to come, or they would have a crap time because i'm a boring person. It could be a vicious circle, but i dunno.

Reply 9

Adarah

16

Anonymous

I guess that makes sense. Not to be argumentative though, it's just i get the feeling that if i did do something like that, e.g. invite people round, or organise a trip somewhere, then either no one would want to come, or they would have a crap time because i'm a boring person. It could be a vicious circle, but i dunno.

Well, start with something like a cinema trip then with some fastfood after. That way you can get rid of that fear at least. they will be entertained, you have something to talk about afterwards, so you won't be boring... and people will want to come if you pick a new film with good reviews :smile:

.
Do that first then, but don't worry. If you have some entertainment lined up for a party, like making your own pizzas, a painting your nails session and a girly movie - what could go wrong? :smile:

The trick with not talking about something boring is to listen to what other people are saying first of all. That why they will happily babble on and you don't have to say much, just ask a few questions. Everyone loves to talk about their hobbies and pets. Ask them!
Then you just have to remember not to talk about what everyone else is talking about. Be different. Don't mention works, school, politics, such things that are boring.

Reply 10

marie_1990

Was there ever a time in your life when you were happy/got on with your friends etc.?
I remember a summer job that I had, where Iwas happy for one of the few times in my life. I told myself when I started that I was just going to be myself, act as if these people had been my best friends for life. It really sounds like a cliche, but you do just have to be yourself. At first you just have to act like you have more confidence than you do, people will accept you, and then you'll find that the confidence begins to come naturally.
I know exactly how you feel at the moment, like you're stuck in a cycle that you can't get out of. A fresh start like uni gives you the chance to make your first impressions all over again, and break the cycle.

Reply 11

Angrybanana

11

AdamEx

dont change anything, be who you are not who they want you to be, all will work out fine in the end

I disagree with you here, something obviously needs to be changed because the OP is so unhappy.

University is such a melting pot of people that I can promise you that you will meet like-minded people there, you've just got to make the effort to find them which is where the 2 classic TSR favourites comes in- in this case join societies (not see your GP :p:

)

As for college, organise a party or gathering which you can invite the people you hang out with to, maybe it will occur to them to invite you to more of their stuff in future.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

marie_1990

Was there ever a time in your life when you were happy/got on with your friends etc.?
I remember a summer job that I had, where Iwas happy for one of the few times in my life. I told myself when I started that I was just going to be myself, act as if these people had been my best friends for life. It really sounds like a cliche, but you do just have to be yourself. At first you just have to act like you have more confidence than you do, people will accept you, and then you'll find that the confidence begins to come naturally.
I know exactly how you feel at the moment, like you're stuck in a cycle that you can't get out of. A fresh start like uni gives you the chance to make your first impressions all over again, and break the cycle.

i think for me it was a couple of summers ago - i was on a camp thing with some friends from sweden, and i have never felt happier. When i was with those people, it was like i could just be myself, and i was never down or didnt really have low self esteem (i still had some, but much less than normal), but i can't seem to achieve that with people in college.

No confidence, and feel like i have no friends

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