How the heck do I get over him?

It's three months today since my boyfriend and I split up after two years together.

For a very short amount of time I thought we might get back together - I know we both still care about each other, and on my part I still love him very much. But when I broke down and told him how much I missed him, he said that he missed me too but basically that he doesn't see things going anywhere with us. So I know that it's well and truly over. The problem is that I just can't fully come to terms with it.

I've tried everything to move on with my life. On the spur of the moment, I went away travelling for a month with some friends. I went to some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, but all I wanted to do was tell him about it and share it with him. When I got back, I got a really good new job which I've thrown myself into. But when I have a good day or when I have a bad day, all I think about is how much I want to tell him. I can keep busy from morning to night, and then get into bed and break down because he's not there.

We were very occasionally seeing each other as friends until a few weeks ago, but I told him I needed to not see him for a while to sort myself out. I loved spending time with him and catching up with him, but I'd cry all the way home in the car thinking about how much things have changed. Since then, we've had barely any contact. However, we do have a certain group of mutual friends, so it's impossible to cut him out of my life completely without cutting some of my best friends out too. I saw him at a party this weekend. We spoke a little, but didn't have a proper conversation. It seemed so unbearably sad.

I've tried seeing him, not seeing him, talking to him, not talking to him, being friends, not being friends, going out, staying in, you name it. I feel like I've done everything I'm supposed to do to 'get over him', and not one little thing has made a blind bit of difference. Sure, I cope okay with my life day to day, but I miss him like hell, and there is this constant bit of sadness that overshadows everything I do. What else can I try? I know it takes time, but I have felt exactly like I'm feeling now for so many weeks now without a glimmer of improvement. It's driving me mad because all I want in the whole world is him. I need to get over him somehow, but what else can I do? I don't want to keep feeling like this, but I can't seem to switch it off.

Reply 1

Profesh

20

Find someone else.

Reply 2

qubog

12

Profesh

Find someone else.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

I really don't want to 'find someone else' just for the sake of getting over him though... it's not the healthiest foundation for a new relationship, and I'm still at the point where I can't help but compare everyone I meet unfavourably with him. If someone comes along to take my mind off him then that would be amazing, but I'm not going to look for a replacement for what I've lost - it's not fair on me or on the someone else.
I want to find out how to be happy being single, and then be able to enjoy it when the right guy comes along - without all the baggage I'd have now if I started seeing just anyone.

Reply 4

makeshiftwings

1

Go out with mates, pamper yourself, enjoy the freedom not being in a relationship entails. Whenever I break up with someone, I get a new haircut, or colour. It's just a little thing to symbolise a new chapter of my life. Do something you haven't done before, find a new hobby. I know it sucks but the only way to get over someone is through time.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

makeshiftwings

Go out with mates, pamper yourself, enjoy the freedom not being in a relationship entails. Whenever I break up with someone, I get a new haircut, or colour. It's just a little thing to symbolise a new chapter of my life. Do something you haven't done before, find a new hobby.

But I guess what I'm asking is what else do you do when these things don't make any difference to how you feel?
I've been going out with friends, pampering myself, trying lots of new things and really living life to the full, but I can't help feeling like I'm just going through the motions, doing all these things for the sake of it without really enjoying any of it. Nothing I do feels like it did when I was with him, and I constantly wish I could share it with him and tell him about it.
I had a great day out with some friends this weekend and went to some places I'd never been before, but I still have to get into bed at night without him there, and that feeling isn't even remotely lessened by whatever I've done that day.

Reply 6

makeshiftwings

1

Then You mite have to try concentrating on the reasons why you broke up, as everything happens for a reason.

Reply 7

dreamer*girl

1

time will make you forget. just be patient :wink:

Reply 8

pulpfiction

you seem really hurt by this, but if you and this guy aren't destined to be together then you have to accept that.
i know movin on can be really difficult, esspecially when you've been together for such a long time, and i don't think finding someone new is the answer. that will just most probably be a rebound thing.
maybe when enough time has past you will be able to look back and think of why you 2 weren't meant to be, and enjoy the good times/ memories you shared together, without being upset or hurt...

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

Get used to this feeling of sadness
It's going to be there for months
for me it was around 9 months (and I was with him for less than 2 years)
but one day, I don't know when but it will all finally end, you just wake up and it's okay.
until then u just have to bear with it and try and soldier on

Reply 10

Profesh

20

Anonymous

I really don't want to 'find someone else' just for the sake of getting over him though... it's not the healthiest foundation for a new relationship, and I'm still at the point where I can't help but compare everyone I meet unfavourably with him. If someone comes along to take my mind off him then that would be amazing, but I'm not going to look for a replacement for what I've lost - it's not fair on me or on the someone else.
I want to find out how to be happy being single, and then be able to enjoy it when the right guy comes along - without all the baggage I'd have now if I started seeing just anyone.

But you aren't enjoying being single. The only way to 'enjoy' being single is to have relationships that are sufficiently emotionally unfulfilling (or else, disappointing; less than the sum of their parts) relative to what is par for the course that you never come to rely on them exclusively; to convince yourself via synthesis of experience with self-assurance that this is but a temporary setback (there will be others such as he: the failure is not irrevocable); or to forget how much better it felt to not be single (which is estimated to take, on average, about half the duration of the erstwhile relationship).

The latter is not achievable so long as he maintains any kind of presence in your life. The former is, at best, a prudent interim measure for people that are emotionally dysfunctional while they come to terms with themselves; because they are conscious that their propensity for morbid emotional dependency would preclude a healthy, sustainable relationship.

So; what's left?

Reply 11

sweet_fluffy_nuke

Anonymous

I don't want to keep feeling like this, but I can't seem to switch it off.

Just shag somebody else.

Reply 12

Saffie

11

Try hating him.
Think of all his bad points and focus on them.

Try to think of all the good things that come with being single.

When you feel alone, ring a friend.. tell them what you want to share with him.

Reply 13

yeahyeahyeahs

16

He clearly did not love you enough to stay with you and sort out what was not working in your 2 year relationship.

He's not worth your time and effort. Just avoid all contact until you finally get over him.

Reply 14

campbell87

8

You need to start focusing on a life that doesnt involve him in any way, shape or form, it sounds like you've been trying to do this which is a great start, carry on with it. You can't heal a broken heart over-night, it will take alot of time and effort, there will be ups and downs and you just have to hold on tight and ride them out. I bet you have some amazing friends or family that will be there to support you and to talk to you.
Do you keep a diary? Try it, it helps to empty your head and deal with alot of things, give it a go!

Reply 15

username47781

20

It's a really old cliche, but time is the healer and keeping yourself busy. Don't contact him least for a while either.

Reply 16

ciara

13

I think you just have to believe that time will eventually mean that you don't feel so sad. I am still not over my ex and we broke up well over a year ago now. I thought I was okay at first, I even had a relationship with someone else, but I still can't find a guy that really compares to him...I guess it's kind of a delayed reaction!

It's the hardest thing after being with someone for so long to then get used to being on your own again. Even if the person was totally wrong for you, that companionship that you get is so nice and something you miss regardless. I think you just have to focus on the fact that despite you still really liking him, if he isn't sure about you that is reason enough for him not to be as great for you as you may think. And for that reason you should see him as somebody who was wrong for you, rather than you being apart for any other reason. You don't have to have a relationship necessarily (in fact I'm desperately trying not to get into a relationship with the first person I see), but you do have to be content with being on your own again. I think it is possible. With time. Maybe one day we'll both wake up and realise that while we might be a bit sad about how things worked out, we're actually doing fine without our exes in our lives. Fine enough not to want to talk with them all the time, not to be bothered particularly about seeing them, and maybe even fine enough to desire a relationship with somebody who is more right for us...

Good luck!

Reply 17

Notepadmed

Anon.. Once your with someone new he will have no choice to move on... :redface:

Reply 18

fairycakes

12

i agree with the people who say that it's only time that will make you feel better. you seem like some one who is proactive at keeping herself busy, and that's great. it's what u need to do. but i know how it feels those few minutes when ure waiting for a bus or just have a moment to ureself, and all the sad lonely feelings come back. and it's incredible how even tho ure as busy as u can be, but u always have time to feel like that.

but eventually, they'll start to feel less and less raw and painful, and more dull. and then you'll be fine about the situation. 3 months really isn't long. keep meeting new people, and throwing ureself into situations. u are on the right track. as long as u have accepted that it's over, then u are well on ur way....

i hope i've helped. lots of hugs and kisses for you.

xxxx

Reply 19

Paramania

Im in a situation a bit like yours, broke up with my first ever boyfriend of a year over a month ago. I initiated it since he cheated and i felt it was time, but it was still hard.
Ive now thrown myself into lots of things (and have become a bit stressed over it all). But there are still times when I miss the cuddles and going to sleep together, its even harder when i see my housemates with their boyfriends.
The thing thats helped the most is writing a list of all the things that I dont miss, all the reasons that I know we shouldnt be together and basically telling myslelf to enjoy life. So whenever I miss him I look at this list and im happier that we're apart.

How the heck do I get over him?

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