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He can't stand it

I have bi-polar disorder.
When I have a down-swing, I don't really feel too affectionate, and my boyfriend seems to find this really hard. I'm having to fake passion and energy when kissing him, when I'd much rather be curled up in bed, otherwise it just starts an argument.
I've tried talking to him, but he tries to 'cheer me up' and tell me that I'm making something out of nothing, and it's not.
I refused the mood stabilisers that the doctor offered me, so I suffer the full brunt of the disorder whenever it happens.

How can I explain it to him? Why can't he just let me be?

Reply 1

linkdapink

15

Sit him down and explain about it and that its just something you cant just "snap out of" and that you do care about him, but just cant be affectionate when you're not feeling it. I'm sure he will understand if you explain it to him, although I'm guessing that you've already done that

Reply 2

SmuUsh

He's just worried about you huni, maybe telling him this has got to be a serious talk and just set him down and explain to him that there will be times where you get extremely depressed and that maybe for a little while that you could get alone time because currently all its doing is possibly pulling you further apart the more you are together

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

I've tried talking to him a few times, but this is the first down period I've had while I've been with him and I just ended up in tears, and snapping at him and I walked out twice.
I think I need to wait until I'm a little happier before I bring it up again, y'know? It causes an argument everytime and I just want to avoid that now. I don't want to lose him.
However, is this relationship such a good idea if he can't take it? I can get to the point where I seriously contemplate suicide, and I don't know if he can handle that. He's training as a therapist and I think when I'm depressed he sees me as a patient, even though he assures me he doesn't.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

My ex had bipolar (and I suffer from it too, albeit in a mild form compared to some others), and it is, I must say, often hard for the loved ones of the sufferer to make sense of what appears to be a sudden withdrawal of affection. What you must do is reassure him of your affection for him constantly enough for him to be aware that it's not simply that you've cooled to him, but is more complex than that. I'd also suggest you give him some reading - maybe an article from a magazine or a website - about manic depression to get him to more fully appreciate the big picture.

Reply 5

Zoecb

11

Why do you refuse treatment?

Reply 6

silverbolt

19

Zoecb

Why do you refuse treatment?

good question.

Being in a dependant relationship is damaging for the stronger partner and requires immense will power and emotional strength not to mention tolerance, theres every chance he cant handle it. As a therapist in training im pretty sure that hes taught not to get emotionally involved so i doubt hes seeing you as a patient,

though i am wondering as Zoecb is why are you refusing treatment for this problem of yours?
Why should he try and help you or even put up with you if you wont help yourself

Reply 7

Poica

14

CantTheWorldHoldHands

She might be a Jehovah witness

What relevance is that?

Reply 8

Caribou

1

One of my exes had bi-polar disorder. It was really, really, really hard to deal with. One minute we'd be getting on fine and 5 minutes later she'd have just switched. It always left me wondering what I'd done wrong.

I would recommend having a serious chat about it and explaining to him that you have no real control over it - and talk about all of the implications of it. If he's the right guy then he'll work through it with you.

Reply 9

Apollo

11

silverbolt

good question.

Being in a dependant relationship is damaging for the stronger partner and requires immense will power and emotional strength not to mention tolerance, theres every chance he cant handle it. As a therapist in training im pretty sure that hes taught not to get emotionally involved so i doubt hes seeing you as a patient,

though i am wondering as Zoecb is why are you refusing treatment for this problem of yours?
Why should he try and help you or even put up with you if you wont help yourself

Bingo.

I don't see how he's done anything wrong here. It's human nature to try and make someone feel better when they're down, especially if you're dating that person. If he just "let you be" I reckon he'd probably feel guilty for not helping his girlfriend when she's clearly struggling. I certainly would. It seems kind of odd to get mad at him for being there for you.

You can't justify saying "he can't stand it" if you refused treatment and snapped at him when he tried to help.

Reply 10

zain88

1

Apollo

Bingo.

I don't see how he's done anything wrong here. It's human nature to try and make someone feel better when they're down, especially if you're dating that person. If he just "let you be" I reckon he'd probably feel guilty for not helping his girlfriend when she's clearly struggling. I certainly would. It seems kind of odd to get mad at him for being there for you.

You can't justify saying "he can't stand it" if you refused treatment and snapped at him when he tried to help.

Sometimes people want others to accept how they are feeling, instead of trying to make them feel different. Like when someone moans about having a bad day, they might not want you to tell them how it wasn't really all that bad and try to make them feel better. That's invalidating how they are feeling. They might just want you to listen and accept that this is how they are feeling and that it is ok to feel this way.

Reply 11

Zoecb

11

zain88

Sometimes people want others to accept how they are feeling, instead of trying to make them feel different.

That's perfectly reasonable if someone is just casually having a bad day. However, the OP has a chemical imbalance in her brain which causes this, she could treat it and improve the situation, but she doesn't. It's not just a bad day, it's an ongoing condition.

Reply 12

Niaya

13

some people refuse treatment because they enjoy the high points too much

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

I don't want the meds. I have friends with bi-polar disorder who the meds don't help. I help myself simply by letting myself chill out, but he won't let me. He wants me to feel better but I can't. This thread isn't about my choice, it's about a situation that I'm in that I want help with. I just need my boyfriend to accept how I'm feeling and I need help in how to explain this to him. I know he's frustrated that he can't help me, I need to make him see that the way to help me is to just give me a hug and let me be. Thank you to the people who have actually helped, rep is on its way.
I'm in constant pain because my body isn't right, and I'm on high dosage painkillers (often prescription) regularly. I do NOT need more drugs in my body. Do not presume to comment on my choice until you have faced it.

Reply 14

Nightseye

7

I can kind of understand why she wouldn't want treatment...I mean, taking pills to change your moods? That probably does a right mess to your brain...not to mention that you wouldn't be feeling what you're supposed to, if you know what I mean.
I think its brave of her to have refused treatment and decided to deal with the disorder on her own. It is much harder, but I think in the long run it will make you a stronger person, and more sure of your emotions.
Your boyfriend needs to understand and respect this as well, and know that its going to be very hard if he sticks around.

Edit (as you posted almost at the same time OP): Maybe you could think of a 'safe word' as some would call it, and every time you hit a low, you can say it and your boyfriend would know that it isn't him, but the disorder kicking in. Perhaps also discuss the kind of behaviour you need from him when you're feeling low, so that when you say the 'word' he can easily know how to react. It might help him put things into perspective and not get offended...

Reply 15

Niaya

13

you need to explain to him in simple terms exactly what it is you need
ive done it with my boyfriend - eg sometimes i need some to just hug me not to say anything or try to get me to talk just to be close to me

Reply 16

HacklyFracture

Some people refuse treatment because they are concerned they'll stabilise their mood so much they'll have no high or low points at all. Or they don't like the side effects of the medication. Or they don't think that having some drugs is the answer to everything. Personally, I don't want some chemicals affecting my brain and the way I think and I don't want to be reliant on drugs to be what doctors etc consider 'normal'.

Lots of people with bipolar disorder don't have medication and cope fine.

Anyway to the OP I think all you can do is talk to him. Maybe he's not trying to make it seem like your making something out of nothing but just doesn't like to see you depressed? If you don't want medication which I understand why you might not you could try the psychotherapy route of things and see how that goes?

Reply 17

fscksleep

Moon_Wolf

Lots of people with bipolar disorder don't have medication and cope fine.

Cousin of mine wouldnt take medication for his bipolar.
He killed himself one day. :frown:

Reply 18

Zoecb

11

Anonymous

I don't want the meds. I have friends with bi-polar disorder who the meds don't help.

Have YOU tried them? Cos I don't think YOU can comment until you have actually tried them, you are not your friends and they might help you.
As for what fscksleep says, well exactly. My grandma and aunt went the same way.

But you know, whatever. No-one can make you take them.
Pretty much the only thing you can do is explain to him what you have said here, tell him exactly what you need (a hug/to be left alone etc.), tell him your moods have nothing to do with him, and try and make it up to him by enjoying your high points as much as possible and sharing your good moods with him.

Reply 19

HacklyFracture

fscksleep

Cousin of mine wouldnt take medication for his bipolar.
He killed himself one day. :frown:

I'm sorry about your cousin.

I know that for every person who copes there's probably going to be a few who don't.

He can't stand it

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