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Finding other gay people
First off, please keep this anon, or delete it if it starts to get inappropriate, thanks.
A little info about myself: I'm 17 (I know, close to university where it'll probably be much easier, but still), openly gay and have recently been thinking about finding a boyfriend. As it is, no-one else in my year at school has come out so there's no chance of forming a relationship there, which probably would have been the route I'd have taken otherwise. I definitely wouldn't want to use the majority of dating websites/adverts in newspapers, so I guess the best option would be a gay bar; so I guess my main question is about this.
Basically, I've never been to a gay bar before, and probably am a bit concerned about the image, rumours about what happens there, and so on. My main concern going there would be, would it be any good for finding people for a relationship, if I'm the type of person who wouldn't want to go much further than kissing with a stranger (particularly as I've not done anything with a guy before). Are you sort of expected to do more than that? If so, that's probably not in my character and I'd also not want to do anything stupid with the risk of STDs. Also is it possible to form long-termish relationships from these places?
Thanks in advance for any help, feel free to ask me to PM you if you would rather not share it publicly. If you found your boyfriend, ex, whatever from a place other than a gay bar please post too, cheers.
A little info about myself: I'm 17 (I know, close to university where it'll probably be much easier, but still), openly gay and have recently been thinking about finding a boyfriend. As it is, no-one else in my year at school has come out so there's no chance of forming a relationship there, which probably would have been the route I'd have taken otherwise. I definitely wouldn't want to use the majority of dating websites/adverts in newspapers, so I guess the best option would be a gay bar; so I guess my main question is about this.
Basically, I've never been to a gay bar before, and probably am a bit concerned about the image, rumours about what happens there, and so on. My main concern going there would be, would it be any good for finding people for a relationship, if I'm the type of person who wouldn't want to go much further than kissing with a stranger (particularly as I've not done anything with a guy before). Are you sort of expected to do more than that? If so, that's probably not in my character and I'd also not want to do anything stupid with the risk of STDs. Also is it possible to form long-termish relationships from these places?
Thanks in advance for any help, feel free to ask me to PM you if you would rather not share it publicly. If you found your boyfriend, ex, whatever from a place other than a gay bar please post too, cheers.
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Reply 1
I'm not gay, but one of my best friends is. He meets guys mainly online, on gay meeting sites and the like and then arranging meet ups and stuff.
He goes to gay bars, not to pick up but just to have a laugh and meet new people.
Gay bars are nutorious for being overly sexual etc etc, but if you are not into the one night stand thing thats fine too just go for the fun of it. Kiss the guys and then decline further invitiations if that is your style.
The main thing is to find people to go with you. Girl mates are perfect for that, because they can come along and not get attacked by guys leering at them.
Good luck with it all
He goes to gay bars, not to pick up but just to have a laugh and meet new people.
Gay bars are nutorious for being overly sexual etc etc, but if you are not into the one night stand thing thats fine too just go for the fun of it. Kiss the guys and then decline further invitiations if that is your style.
The main thing is to find people to go with you. Girl mates are perfect for that, because they can come along and not get attacked by guys leering at them.
Good luck with it all
Reply 2
As you have already stated, it will be easier to meet guys at uni. Especially if you join the LGBT and go on their nights out etc.
If you aren't really interested in online-dating or going to clubs alone then there isn't much left apart from day to day places. But you said there aren't any guys at school or whatever.
I say, don't rush into a relationship and don't feel that you should have one! You are only 17 and you have plenty of time to experience relationships.
You will have more opportunity at uni
If you aren't really interested in online-dating or going to clubs alone then there isn't much left apart from day to day places. But you said there aren't any guys at school or whatever.
I say, don't rush into a relationship and don't feel that you should have one! You are only 17 and you have plenty of time to experience relationships.
You will have more opportunity at uni
Reply 4
Im 20 now and came out when i was 15, since then the main places i have met guys in online, using gaydar. Only a few of them were after anything remotely long term, but i had better luck there than gay bars, it really is grab em and shag em in a lot, so pick wisely.
I have been in a relationship for 1 and half years now, and i met him on gaydar, so its not all bad.
I have been in a relationship for 1 and half years now, and i met him on gaydar, so its not all bad.
Reply 5
go to google and type in gaydar
or adam4adam
or adam4adam
Reply 6
This reminds me of the Monkey Dust episode on university cottaging courses. Sorry 
Reply 8
Wow, how helpful.
Reply 9
i met my lass at work
been together for 4 moth now
just hunt around
you'll probably find there are gay people evrywhere
been together for 4 moth now
just hunt around
you'll probably find there are gay people evrywhere
Reply 10
Don't rush to get into a relationship asap, you'll find you forgot some of the most fundamental things in the process. 
Even if you are not at university yet, I'm sure the LGBT or Pride societies should be very welcoming if you decided to attend their events / socials. When I was still at Warwick we had a few people from other universities show up on a regular basis. Granted I guess some student unions may be really anal about non-members taking advantage of their facilities, but theres usually "workarounds" for that kind of stuff.
Reply 12
I think this is a problem that most young Gay teens face; and its predicated by recognising you're seemingly a minority and thinking: oh gosh, will i ever find anyone.
Saying that 17 is very, very young. You don't necessarily realise it because of course you grow up and learn so fast, and so you expect your relationship status to match that - but it doesn't seem to work like that.
At 17 I was going to Gay nightclubs and experiencing sexually with guys. I really think this is a process that people go through, and do expect to be hurt; to think that you love guys; to cry a lot; and to find yourself perhaps being used. I don't say this as an authoratitive guide to what will happen, just that at such a young age all these things might, and do happen.
A few warnings though:
LGBs can be trecherous. They're not normally, in my experience, places that encourage maturity and growth within a person as they seem to replicate and perpetuate certain ideas and commonsensical notions within Gay people. i.e. that we all like sleeping about.
Gaydar i actually think is a great place to meet guys, under the proviso you use it within reason. Don't expect to find somebody on there. There are an awful lot of quite unfriendly and unpleasant people. However i did find my partner on there and we have been together for quite some time.
Saying that 17 is very, very young. You don't necessarily realise it because of course you grow up and learn so fast, and so you expect your relationship status to match that - but it doesn't seem to work like that.
At 17 I was going to Gay nightclubs and experiencing sexually with guys. I really think this is a process that people go through, and do expect to be hurt; to think that you love guys; to cry a lot; and to find yourself perhaps being used. I don't say this as an authoratitive guide to what will happen, just that at such a young age all these things might, and do happen.
A few warnings though:
LGBs can be trecherous. They're not normally, in my experience, places that encourage maturity and growth within a person as they seem to replicate and perpetuate certain ideas and commonsensical notions within Gay people. i.e. that we all like sleeping about.
Gaydar i actually think is a great place to meet guys, under the proviso you use it within reason. Don't expect to find somebody on there. There are an awful lot of quite unfriendly and unpleasant people. However i did find my partner on there and we have been together for quite some time.
Reply 13
Jason Sparks
At 17 I was going to Gay nightclubs and experiencing sexually with guys. I really think this is a process that people go through, and do expect to be hurt; to think that you love guys; to cry a lot; and to find yourself perhaps being used. I don't say this as an authoratitive guide to what will happen, just that at such a young age all these things might, and do happen.
A few warnings though:
LGBs can be trecherous. They're not normally, in my experience, places that encourage maturity and growth within a person as they seem to replicate and perpetuate certain ideas and commonsensical notions within Gay people. i.e. that we all like sleeping about.
Gaydar i actually think is a great place to meet guys, under the proviso you use it within reason. Don't expect to find somebody on there. There are an awful lot of quite unfriendly and unpleasant people. However i did find my partner on there and we have been together for quite some time.
At 17 I was going to Gay nightclubs and experiencing sexually with guys. I really think this is a process that people go through, and do expect to be hurt; to think that you love guys; to cry a lot; and to find yourself perhaps being used. I don't say this as an authoratitive guide to what will happen, just that at such a young age all these things might, and do happen.
A few warnings though:
LGBs can be trecherous. They're not normally, in my experience, places that encourage maturity and growth within a person as they seem to replicate and perpetuate certain ideas and commonsensical notions within Gay people. i.e. that we all like sleeping about.
Gaydar i actually think is a great place to meet guys, under the proviso you use it within reason. Don't expect to find somebody on there. There are an awful lot of quite unfriendly and unpleasant people. However i did find my partner on there and we have been together for quite some time.
I have to disagree with you on a couple of points. LGB's have especially in the last decade or so been a revolution in the bringing together of gay men and women. Most have strict policies concerning the idea of sex, i.e. they state they are not places to just go to when wanting sex. They also in my experience do not perpetuate the stereotype of gay individuals, being a member of a group which travels the country helping to organise and set up LGB's i can tell you that they have had great success in discouraging communities from being homophobic.
Gaydar while being a great place for 'older' men to meet, should be just that, a place for OLDER men to meet. Recently the gay media have run many stories condemning sites such as gaydar, because they have resulted in many young men being taken advantage of.
I would myself encourage individuals under the age of 18 not to dive right into using sited such as gaydar or going to gay clubs and bars. I would suggest however to find out LGB groups in your area where you can meet likeminded people in a safe environment.
Gay clubs/bars are not all so promiscious. Sometimes you can just go there, have fun, talk to some new people - it's not always about 'scoring'. It's also nice to go and just be able to be yourself.
I met someone special in the trashiest of trashiest gay bars - so even if these places are that bad, you still always have a chance of meeting nice people.
On the other hand, the other posters do make a good point about they can be overly sexual. The problem is, sometimes you loose yourself and find yourself dragged into it - 'one of them' so to speak. You just have to remember that it's ok to experience that part of it, but not to make it a habit.
As for a relationship - I know how you probably are longing for one - I was at that age. And I got into a year-long one with someone I had known from a hobby. At the time it was great, but it ended very badly. And over a year down the line now, I've realised that I had so much more to learn and experience before diving into a serious relationship.
Hope I have been of some help
I met someone special in the trashiest of trashiest gay bars - so even if these places are that bad, you still always have a chance of meeting nice people.
On the other hand, the other posters do make a good point about they can be overly sexual. The problem is, sometimes you loose yourself and find yourself dragged into it - 'one of them' so to speak. You just have to remember that it's ok to experience that part of it, but not to make it a habit.
As for a relationship - I know how you probably are longing for one - I was at that age. And I got into a year-long one with someone I had known from a hobby. At the time it was great, but it ended very badly. And over a year down the line now, I've realised that I had so much more to learn and experience before diving into a serious relationship.
Hope I have been of some help
Reply 15
the best place to find gay people is probably in shops like the body shop, gap-ladies section etc. If you dont find anyone you can buy a blow up doll, its much safer
Reply 16
Rushing into anything or doing anything brash just for the sake of it isn't a good idea. You'll end up doing something you'll regret. Take it slow 
Reply 17
Theres probably an LGB youth group near where you live
If not, join the LGBT society when you get to Uni, most if not all unis have one
If not, join the LGBT society when you get to Uni, most if not all unis have one
Reply 18
Anonymous
I have to disagree with you on a couple of points. LGB's have especially in the last decade or so been a revolution in the bringing together of gay men and women.
Yes, segregating Gay men and women. Gay clubs are just as absurd as Straight clubs.
Anonymous
Most have strict policies concerning the idea of sex, i.e. they state they are not places to just go to when wanting sex.
They can have as many policies as they want: they do not reflect the ideas of their members. People use LGBs as sex shops: plain and simple. Anything else is just pretentious and posturing.
Anonymous
They also in my experience do not perpetuate the stereotype of gay individuals,
They don't perpetuate Gay stereotypes and yet their entire premise is a club for Gay men - i think that is perpetuating stereotypes. No, it's perpetuating the idea of a coherent Gay identity existing.
Anonymous
being a member of a group which travels the country helping to organise and set up LGB's i can tell you that they have had great success in discouraging communities from being homophobic.
That's plain laughable. How have you verified this in any way? Have you gone around and asked Straight men if they still feel like beating Gay men up?
Anonymous
Gaydar while being a great place for 'older' men to meet, should be just that, a place for OLDER men to meet. Recently the gay media have run many stories condemning sites such as gaydar, because they have resulted in many young men being taken advantage of.
Pure, utter nonsense. I not only have met many, many people from Gaydar (my own age, 21) but I also met my current partner of 17 months on there. Your ideas of what Gaydar should or should not be remain precisely that: ideas with no relevance in reality.
Anonymous
I would myself encourage individuals under the age of 18 not to dive right into using sited such as gaydar or going to gay clubs and bars. I would suggest however to find out LGB groups in your area where you can meet likeminded people in a safe environment.
Likeminded and safe environment! Likeminded implies these Gay men actually have minds: most find their faculties subjugated by their drive to find something or somebody for sex. And safe implies a limit of Second or Third years not preying on the Freshers - all of which is demonstrably false.
Gaydar doesn't have any pretensions about it: you need not be any sexuality, just with an interest in finding Gay men to talk/ have sex with. LGBs are hideous because they style themselves as everything except that which they fundamentally are: University students looking to share sex stories and use as a sex bank. I've been to my local LGB and its revolting; one finds oneself as one imagines being in a zoo, walking around cages of sexually deprived animals, flaunting, beating their chests and in all sorts of bright, colourful and gaudy displays of sentiment and affection. Cheap and vulgar are what LGBs are.
Sorry to ruin your rose tinted illusions.
Reply 19
It seems to me Jason Sparks that you haven't had much experience with LGB groups. I have been a member of them since i was 14 (am now 21) and i can tell you they have been a great way for young gay men and women to get to know each other, and they certainly were anything but sex clubs.
My post about homophobia decreasing in some areas was a general observation which has been made by gay rights campaigners after LGB groups have been set up in certain areas.
You can think what you like of gaydar, however as a senior member of LGB's, especially youth groups, I and other encourage members to instead go along to events held, rather than taking the risk of meeting someone from a website, with frankly a dim reputation.
Maybe you yourself should join and go along to LGB's in your area, i believe you would change your mind.
My post about homophobia decreasing in some areas was a general observation which has been made by gay rights campaigners after LGB groups have been set up in certain areas.
You can think what you like of gaydar, however as a senior member of LGB's, especially youth groups, I and other encourage members to instead go along to events held, rather than taking the risk of meeting someone from a website, with frankly a dim reputation.
Maybe you yourself should join and go along to LGB's in your area, i believe you would change your mind.
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