Boyfriend of 2 years didn't put effort into anniversary Watch

K0KIRI
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Hi everyone.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, we met online and when we first met he was romantic and sweet, and I felt like our relationship was not as toxic and argumentative as it is now. He is a lovely guy, and I'd say 80% of the time treats me really well, but recently it has more downs than ups.

Our 1 year anniversary didn't start off so well... Because we both work full time, and he works shift work, we agreed to celebrate on the weekend. He ended up putting his housewarming (he lives with a roommate) on the weekend of our anniversary, because he was working a night shift on the Friday, and thought we'd have more time to celebrate another weekend.

I got pretty upset because even just a simple short dinner would have been nice, and we ended up celebrating the anniversary 3 weeks later.. thus it didn't really feel special, although he tried to make up for it by delivering flowers to my house on the actual date.

This year, because of last year's mishaps, I thought our 2nd year anniversary would be better. I was working because it was a weekday, but he was on leave so we could just do a simple dinner and celebrate more appropriately on the weekend (which turned out to be a disaster).

I left work 30 mins early to buy some of his favourite chocolates and snacks to surprise him. I had told him that the main gifts would be given on the weekend, but we could give token gifts on the night. He had nothing, took me into the closest supermarket and said "go pick some flowers". I couldn't believe it... I asked him why he couldn't have bought some earlier to surprise me... He said he didn't want to carry them on the train, and thought it was better that I pick them out. I asked him why he couldn't have got an earlier train in and bought some then, he told me later that he was lazy and unprepared...

I felt so disappointed.. the rest of the night was nice, we had some Korean food, and he paid for me, but I couldn't get over the lack of effort. Every time it's an anniversary or birthday etc. I put in so much effort for him, but when it's his turn it sometimes doesn't get reciprocated. He knew how much this year's anniversary meant to me because last year was not so good.

I then found out he took his ex of 3 years for one of their anniversaries to some expensive getaway location. She turned out to be psycho and also never appreciated his gifts or efforts, so he could be tentative to do the same thing for me in fears of what happened in the past, with his ex never thinking anything was good enough.

He apologised profusely (as he always does) and said he came to many realisations at how he doesn't put in enough effort and how he will change (as he always does when we argue), but I don't know what to do. I love him a lot, but this made me very upset.. because I put in 100% in my relationships. What is your advice?
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It's****ingWOODY
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Clearly he doesn't see it as a big deal, and tbh since it's just celebrating two years of just being together rather than an actual anniversary of an actual marriage, I totally get why he's thinking this way.
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K0KIRI
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(Original post by WoodyMKC)
Clearly he doesn't see it as a big deal, and tbh since it's just celebrating two years of just being together rather than an actual anniversary of an actual marriage, I totally get why he's thinking this way.
Okay, but this is the source of my whole confusion. He does think it's important because he says that regularly. He took his ex to an expensive getaway location on one of their anniversaries, and she was completely ungrateful and said it wasn't good enough for her. He showered her with gifts and trips on anniversaries, but with me, a girl who treats him 100x better and who he says he wants to marry, he doesn't make much effort.

Could it be because of his experiences with his ex?
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Kilam_Namoan
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Have you told him how you feel? He doesn't appear to think it is a big deal, and probably assumes you don't think it is a big deal. It is very important to have an open and honest dialogue with him whenever possible and be able to confide with you boyfriend how you feel. Ask him why he is like this now etc.

If his answers are bs- time to find a new man or atleast try for a compromise. The latter is more realistic and pragmatic, albeit, if you're young you still have a good decade or so to find another partner.
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K0KIRI
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(Original post by MADMANMALIK)
Have you told him how you feel? He doesn't appear to think it is a big deal, and probably assumes you don't think it is a big deal. It is very important to have an open and honest dialogue with him whenever possible and be able to confide with you boyfriend how you feel. Ask him why he is like this now etc.

If his answers are bs- time to find a new man or atleast try for a compromise. The latter is more realistic and pragmatic, albeit, if you're young you still have a good decade or so to find another partner.

Yes, I told him how I feel. He said he felt physically ill at the thought of losing me because we get on mostly very good. But it seems when it's important events like birthday or Christmas etc. He doesn't put a huge amount of thought into it. I'm 23 years old and just graduated University, he is turning 30 this year and he's a policeman, so his train of thinking is very different to most people. He is unemotional, unless it's anger, and doesn't show emotion very well. A policeman is trained to think logically and in black and white, and I believe he brings that aspect of it into the relationship. He seems to make up for it, like sends flowers or buys gifts to make up for the arguments, but I just want him to do that in the first place, then there would be no reason to feel hurt.

He blames a lot of his problems and current thinking on the problems he had with his ex, but he needs to understand that I'm not her and I'm completely different... And that's why it's so hard.
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Kilam_Namoan
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(Original post by K0KIRI)
Yes, I told him how I feel. He said he felt physically ill at the thought of losing me because we get on mostly very good. But it seems when it's important events like birthday or Christmas etc. He doesn't put a huge amount of thought into it. I'm 23 years old and just graduated University, he is turning 30 this year and he's a policeman, so his train of thinking is very different to most people. He is unemotional, unless it's anger, and doesn't show emotion very well. A policeman is trained to think logically and in black and white, and I believe he brings that aspect of it into the relationship. He seems to make up for it, like sends flowers or buys gifts to make up for the arguments, but I just want him to do that in the first place, then there would be no reason to feel hurt.

He blames a lot of his problems and current thinking on the problems he had with his ex, but he needs to understand that I'm not her and I'm completely different... And that's why it's so hard.
Lmao. Your boyfriend is showing aspects of a person who still isn't 100% over his ex. He still hasn't regained is ability to trust. That, or its just an excuse. Question is yours now. Is he worth it? Gotta make compromises and sacrifices. You either explain it to him better. If he still doesn't get it, either cut the relationship and lose him in the process, and this will hurt. A lot I assume (never fallen in love so idk).. But you can get back up and find a better (or possibly worse) partner. OR you stay with him. but at a small compromise of someone who doesn't really put his 100% on anniversaries and stuff like that.

He sounds stressed- so I wouldn't push him too hard. But you know better. I would choose my future and happiness over his if I were you. Do what your gut says. Is him not doing a lot for your anniversaries a deal breaker or not?

Still though- try talking to him again. Drill it in his brain. You are not his ex.
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K0KIRI
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(Original post by MADMANMALIK)
Lmao. Your boyfriend is showing aspects of a person who still isn't 100% over his ex. He still hasn't regained is ability to trust. That, or its just an excuse. Question is yours now. Is he worth it? Gotta make compromises and sacrifices. You either explain it to him better. If he still doesn't get it, either cut the relationship and lose him in the process, and this will hurt. A lot I assume (never fallen in love so idk).. But you can get back up and find a better (or possibly worse) partner. OR you stay with him. but at a small compromise of someone who doesn't really put his 100% on anniversaries and stuff like that.

He sounds stressed- so I wouldn't push him too hard. But you know better. I would choose my future and happiness over his if I were you. Do what your gut says. Is him not doing a lot for your anniversaries a deal breaker or not?

Still though- try talking to him again. Drill it in his brain. You are not his ex.

Lol, his ex was crazy. She pulled out two knives on him and threatened him and her own life. I can safely say he hates her. He is worth it, he is an amazing man who is very loyal and dedicated and hardworking, but the fact that he can be emotionless and very critical of himself is difficult. Thanks for your advice though, I will think if it really is worth the constant arguments.
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tonyashe
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I so disagree with people who say it’s not important to celebrate anniversaries if you’re not married! Not everyone has the desire to get married, but still wants to be in a committed relationship. Anniversaries are special and should be celebrated whether or not you’re married. It is the day you met your SO.
Last edited by tonyashe; 3 weeks ago
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Rock Fan
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Time to rethink the relationship
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ajtracey_420
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Said bubble (bubble)
Vibes and that (vibes)
Cruise like a four-wheel drive and that (drive)
Tek time, everyting's live and that because
AJ T's on the mic and that
I said bubble (bubble)
Vibes and that (vibes)
Cruise like a four-wheel drive and that (drive)
Tek time, everyting's live and that
Because AJ T's on the mic and that (mic)
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by tonyashe)
I so disagree with people who say it’s not important to celebrate anniversaries if you’re not married! Not everyone has the desire to get married, but still wants to be in a committed relationship. Anniversaries are special and should be celebrated whether or not you’re married. It is the day you met your SO.
Cool. Are you celebrating the 2nd anniversary of this thread by telling us this?

I wonder if KOKIRI has just celebrated the 4th anniversary of being together with her boyfriend or not?
How do you think things turned out between them?
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Glaz
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2 years old boss
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