I guess I'm just a bit of mess... I don't know what I want to ask though...

I'm really confused. I've recently come out of what I think was depression. For about two years I was just unhappy with everything I did and I found it extremely difficult to relax and just have fun. I started to dislike to my friends, as they would always be laughing and joking and I just couldn't join in. It made me feel worse knowing that I was ruining the atmosphere just by being there so I seperated myself from the main group and just kept a couple of close friends. Now that i had hardly any friends, I felt even worse about myself and was convinced everyone thought badly of me, and that I was completely unwanted. I would go into school and have to face people who were thinking all these things about me. It was too much for me, so I would just keep quiet pretty much all day and just try to shrink as far into myself as possible... I was living in my own world, as I couldn't face being a part of everything - a part of something where I wasn't wanted...

After a while, everytime I thought about how alone I was, I would just prick myself with a protractor, as well, I guess it was something else to concentrate on. If I was concentrating 100% on this tiny area of my arm, and the action of pricking, then it was ok. I didn't have to be a part of reality. It's strange, I know, but it worked...

Next, I began to just stay in bed. What was the point on getting up, just so that you could escape again? Sleeping became my new escape. I hated being there, being well, alive, so I would just be "dead" for as long as possible. I would waste days on end, forcing myself to sleep just so that I wouldn't have to face everything. I wanted to comit suicide, but I have always believed that things eventually get better, we just don't know how long it will take, so I tried to just sleep this part of my life out, and wake up again when it was ok.

I don't know how, but slowly I came out of this. Somehow I managed to sort of get in to reality again.

All through this time, I desperately wanted to see a doctor and get help, but I had been told by a friend that patients under 16 have no doctor/patient confidentiality whatsoever... this was a disaster for me, as my family was a large part of why I fell into this state of mind. I won't go into it, but my family has effected me a lot emotionally.

Then, when I got to 16 I just couldn't go. I was convinced I was just wasting their time, and they would just tell me I was a normal, moody teenager. So I never went. I still can't go.

I was OK for a couple of months, but still wanted to go to the doctors so that I wouldn't fall back into whatever it was I was in before. I couldn't go.

Now, I think I am falling into it again. But this time it is slighlty different. before, I would actually care about things, I just wouldn't want to be a part of them. This itme, I just don't care about anything. I still do somethings (even if half heartedly) but I just don't care, I really don't. Everything I normally care about, now I couldn't care less about. I've always enjoyed school, but now I don't want to learn anything. I don't want to make the effort to see friends, I don't want to get up and do anything...

I can't live like this. I am completely wasting my life. I am not doing anything, because I don't care about anything.

I just can't go back into how I was. I just can't. I barely survived it the first time. How will I cope a second?

I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I'm just getting desperate. I don't want to be like this. I want to be me. Is that so much to ask for??

Reply 1

Sweyn Forkbeard

19

You obviously care enough to have posted this. Surely that is a start?

It does seem like you're slipping into depression if you're not already there. I know about the whole 'sleeping it off' thing as I've done that too.

Also, I believe that patient-doctor confidentiality applies to under-16s as well. If you're not sure, then ask your doctor or ring NHS Direct. I think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor, personally.

Reply 2

Saffie

11

i think you know what you have to do really...

I guess I'm just a bit of mess... I don't know what I want to ask though...

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