I am a person... not just a number on the internet...

posting as anonymous.... well, that just makes me even more invisible. But I do not want people to know who I am. I just want people to realise that I am a person.

I think I am suffering from depression. I have denied it for the last two years, but now...now, it just has to be.

I have not been to the doctors. First, because of confidentiality issues. Then, because I was just a moody little girl. I thought "stop being stupid and just get your act together. Stop being moody. There's nothing wrong with you" Now, because I am scared. What is there to be scared of? That I am really just a moody little girl who needs to grow up? That there is nothing wrong with me, and I am just a strange, horrible person like I thought all along?

I have tried to reach out. The Samaritans - they are awful. They made me feel worse. I emailed them, because I couldn't bear to phone them. They asked me if I was sexually abused. No. I am just a moody teenager with problems nowhere near as serious as that. Why am I emailing The Samaritans and wasting their time when there are people with actual problem who need help?

I cannot open up to my friends or family. My friends,because I again, do not believe it is depression. well, now, do I? I don't know. My family is for more complicated reasons. My family have played a major role in making me what I am now. What I feel now. Telling my family is out of the question.

I so desperately want to go and see someone - a doctor?

I think you will all just tell me yes, that is what I have to do.

But please, I am a person too! I am trying to reach out, I'm holding out my hand. I need someone to take it. Obviously you cannot do that. So I guess I am just wasting your time.I don't know.

I just don't know anymore.

Reply 1

Siz

Keep writing? If you felt the need to post this, perhaps you find writing cathartic. Ever tried writing poems or songs?
Yes, I think you should go to a doctor, and let the people around you know how you feel. You don't have to say you're "depressed," but just talking about how you feel may make you feel better. What sort of confidentiality issues are you concerned about? And is there no-one at home you can talk to?
Don't think you're "wasting anyone's time" or that you're "just a moody teenager." You're unhappy... and with people's help, that can change.
Good luck :smile:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

I do. I constantly write. I begin with a simple sentence about how something made me feel, and I cannot stop, I write for pages and pages. Eventually when I finish, i feel terrible. The slight relaxed feeling i get when physically writing goes within a second and I then feel worse then I did before. I am now just completely concentrated on what I have just written, and it all comes flooding back. I resort to doing things which I really shouldn't - things I wish I could stop. I am too ashamed of it, I cannot even write it...

I was told a long time back that under16s have no doctor/patient confidentiality. I just couldn't handle my parents knowing. Now, I am far gone 16, so it is not an issue anymore. I don't even know if it's true though... if it is, it is quite possibly one of the worst ideas I have ever heard.

thankyou so much for your quick reply. It so pathetic, but just the fact that someone bothered to read what I had to say and then took the effort to help...

Reply 3

RosiePosiePuddingAndPie

12

It does sound like you're depressed. I think you should go to the doctors, they can help, and it is confidential :smile:

Is there really no one that you can talk to - a close friend, or a relative (an aunty or someone who isn't in your immediate family?), or maybe even a teacher at school.

And we know you're a person :smile:

Every single user on this forum is a real person, even though you don't always think of it like that! They've all got their own life, their own worries, their own hobbies. And we know you have too :smile:

It doesn't make you a number!

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

RosiePosiePuddingAndPie

It does sound like you're depressed. I think you should go to the doctors, they can help, and it is confidential :smile:

Is there really no one that you can talk to - a close friend, or a relative (an aunty or someone who isn't in your immediate family?), or maybe even a teacher at school.

And we know you're a person :smile:

Every single user on this forum is a real person, even though you don't always think of it like that! They've all got their own life, their own worries, their own hobbies. And we know you have too :smile:

It doesn't make you a number!

I so desperately want to go to the doctors... but there is some sort of mental block. Everytime I mean to go, I just can't. I can't even make an appointment.

no, there is absolutely no one I can talk to about this. I have no family apart from my immediate one, apart from a cousin I barely see and halfsisters I cannot even have a normal conversation with, let alone one about something like this. We are practically strangers.

I can't talk to the teachers at school. Someone else from my school went to speak with the school nurse about problems she was having at home - she was basically told to grow up and go away. A few weeks later she moved to go live with a a different relative in the North - we are in the south east, so it's a long move. There was obviously something going on for her to have to go so far away. I know about this, because she was a friend of a friend who was extremely worried about her, it's not just a rumour.

Reply 5

samba

6

I read it all. I'm guessing you're 17-18...

You're obviously feeling very alone and devoid of self confidence and hope, hence the lack of motivation.

What role have your family played, and are you going to university next year?

ps. Posting anonymous is the one way to hold out a hand without actually holding it out. You're 'just another depressed person in h&r' like that.

Reply 6

Kabloomybuzz

19

www.studentdepression.org is a good website

Dont worry about confidentiality, doctors are bound to it

There should be a counsellor at the college/uni whatever youre at if a doctor is too daunting

Reply 7

SoundDevastation

13

talk to us... alot of people on here (including me) have been suffering from depression and having a generally hard time. PM me if you want.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

I read it all. I'm guessing you're 17-18...

You're obviously feeling very alone and devoid of self confidence and hope, hence the lack of motivation.
What role have your family played, and are you going to university next year?

ps. Posting anonymous is the one way to hold out a hand without actually holding it out. You're 'just another depressed person in h&r' like that.

you've just got it exactly...

it's complicated with my family... I don't really want to go into it, as I will write for pages and pages - it stems a long way back, but it's basically to do with my parents treatment of us. It's nothing serious, like abuse, but it's affected me a lot.

I'm 17, but in lower sixth so not planning on university yet. I would love to go, even if just for the fact that I can escape my home and my life here and start a fresh one where no one knows me or my past... At the moment, though, I care so little about my school work that university is a far off dream...

Reply 9

SoundDevastation

13

anything else you do? hobbies?

if not, maybe it would help to find one.

Reply 10

samba

6

It's important to realise that you've survived this far, so you will get through it.

One really difficult thing to do, which is so so important, is not to start seeing yourself as a complete idiot and failure because you can't do the seemingly simple things that everybody else does so effortlessly. You just have to work one building block at a time, and perhaps that first building block is going to see the doctor (even if they do prove useless and just prescribe you some random SSRI)

Escape is always that surreal dream for somebody in your position, as is close companionship etc. It's again something that you see all around you, but just can't seem to touch through the glass. Realise though, that once you do get through this, and get through it you will, that 'dream' is actually quite a possible reality :smile:

If you want to write pages and pages, do so in my pm box. I won't bite [too hard!]

Remember that suppressing your emotions and acting 'ok' to everybody around you isn't a sign of strength, although you might believe its the only way to not get burnt.

I am a person... not just a number on the internet...

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