Hello! I can't sleep. Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#1
Please keep Anon!

A few nights ago, I got drunk at a bar and my common sense completely escaped me. I had gotten separated from my friends, with no phone or house keys, so the guy I just met offered his place that I can stay at for 5 minutes, while the bar cooled and quietened down. Yeah, poor judgement. Clearly, that wasn't what happened. Despite telling me that "I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do", my clothes and underwear were taken off against my will. Painful oral progressed to painful fingering, which would have progressed to painful sex if I hadn't fought him off. I managed to get off the bed, put my clothes back on (mostly - my bra was still behind his head, and I wasn't about to reach for it) and he apologised. He said to turn the lights off, come back to the bed, and at least sleep for the night. I turned the lights off and left the house.

I got a taxi back to the bar but by the time I got there, it had just closed. Ofc, friends no where in sight. I decided to walk to the train station, since logically, that's where my friends would have gone. I didn't know the area too well, another man met me on the way, and offered to show me the direction. Y'all. I cannot express enough how nice this man seemed. After running from someone who was aggressively pushing for sex just a few minutes before, meeting someone who just wanted to accompany you with a decent conversation was like a godsend. I thought, maybe there are just good people in the world.
Well. He didn't show me the way to the train station (actually, I'm pretty sure we passed the station - I pointed it out, but ofc my drunk ass believed him when he said that wasn't the station at all), but he did lead me to his house. Which was no biggie, I guess - I could use the bathroom, use his laptop to contact my friends, and he said he had a separate bed too. He gave me a separate change of clothes, and a place to sleep. Also, that second bed was a lie. I had barely finished using the laptop, when he put his hand under my shirt. I managed to keep his hands away from my boobs and vagina, but was too exhausted for much else. I couldn't stop him from kissing me (of which, apparently, using his teeth to bite my mouth and cheeks was apparently the best way to go about it...) since I was pinned down, and I couldn't get off the bed no matter how much I tried. Eventually I lay still, and he fell asleep on top of me. I really couldn't believe this had happened twice in the same night to me, and I cried. I must have drifted off to sleep too for a while, about an hour later I jolted awake. I don't really know what happened, but all of a sudden I felt terrified again. I jumped off the bed, but this time when he held me back I told him to **** off. I grabbed my clothes, put on my shoes (I was still wearing his clothes at this point), and left.

I am hoping that the more I tell this story the easier it will become. I can't sleep at night anymore, until I am exhausted or until daylight. Whichever comes first. I am about to fall asleep, and then I can feel someone breathing down my neck - or I hear in my head that I must enjoy something that I don't really enjoy at all. I feel completely damaged, but still looking for ways to repair myself.

I've told this to two friends already. But they both asked questions like "Wasn't he attractive though?" and "I thought you were up for that kind of stuff?" I want to crawl into a hole and die. Already the world thinks and knows I am a whore. It's like no one really wants to believe I was assaulted. What would my family think if I told them? At this point I am willing to take any kind of medication, drug, anti-depressant, to make me forget what happened. I don't want to carry on with this memory, I want to go back to how I was before.

Anyway. I wrote this all down and feel somewhat better for it. I might not have written this thread in the right forum, but any advice would be great. Since then I've been really anxious about being outside alone, even being inside alone (which is great, since I live by myself!) I don't like being left alone at all, but there isn't anybody who would tolerate me being around them 24/7. The second man tasted heavily of cigarette ash, to the point where if I smelt it outside I might burst into tears. Surely there is some medication that can help with this?
0
reply
(づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ
Badges: 16
#2
Report 2 years ago
#2
Have you gone to the police with this yet?
2
reply
Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#3
I've decided to go tomorrow. Writing this all out this morning made me realise how out of order these people were! I have work this evening though, but I will surely go tomorrow (once I find out how to report it)
3
reply
Anonymous #2
#4
Report 1 week ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
Please keep Anon!

A few nights ago, I got drunk at a bar and my common sense completely escaped me. I had gotten separated from my friends, with no phone or house keys, so the guy I just met offered his place that I can stay at for 5 minutes, while the bar cooled and quietened down. Yeah, poor judgement. Clearly, that wasn't what happened. Despite telling me that "I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do", my clothes and underwear were taken off against my will. Painful oral progressed to painful fingering, which would have progressed to painful sex if I hadn't fought him off. I managed to get off the bed, put my clothes back on (mostly - my bra was still behind his head, and I wasn't about to reach for it) and he apologised. He said to turn the lights off, come back to the bed, and at least sleep for the night. I turned the lights off and left the house.

I got a taxi back to the bar but by the time I got there, it had just closed. Ofc, friends no where in sight. I decided to walk to the train station, since logically, that's where my friends would have gone. I didn't know the area too well, another man met me on the way, and offered to show me the direction. Y'all. I cannot express enough how nice this man seemed. After running from someone who was aggressively pushing for sex just a few minutes before, meeting someone who just wanted to accompany you with a decent conversation was like a godsend. I thought, maybe there are just good people in the world.
Well. He didn't show me the way to the train station (actually, I'm pretty sure we passed the station - I pointed it out, but ofc my drunk ass believed him when he said that wasn't the station at all), but he did lead me to his house. Which was no biggie, I guess - I could use the bathroom, use his laptop to contact my friends, and he said he had a separate bed too. He gave me a separate change of clothes, and a place to sleep. Also, that second bed was a lie. I had barely finished using the laptop, when he put his hand under my shirt. I managed to keep his hands away from my boobs and vagina, but was too exhausted for much else. I couldn't stop him from kissing me (of which, apparently, using his teeth to bite my mouth and cheeks was apparently the best way to go about it...) since I was pinned down, and I couldn't get off the bed no matter how much I tried. Eventually I lay still, and he fell asleep on top of me. I really couldn't believe this had happened twice in the same night to me, and I cried. I must have drifted off to sleep too for a while, about an hour later I jolted awake. I don't really know what happened, but all of a sudden I felt terrified again. I jumped off the bed, but this time when he held me back I told him to **** off. I grabbed my clothes, put on my shoes (I was still wearing his clothes at this point), and left.

I am hoping that the more I tell this story the easier it will become. I can't sleep at night anymore, until I am exhausted or until daylight. Whichever comes first. I am about to fall asleep, and then I can feel someone breathing down my neck - or I hear in my head that I must enjoy something that I don't really enjoy at all. I feel completely damaged, but still looking for ways to repair myself.

I've told this to two friends already. But they both asked questions like "Wasn't he attractive though?" and "I thought you were up for that kind of stuff?" I want to crawl into a hole and die. Already the world thinks and knows I am a whore. It's like no one really wants to believe I was assaulted. What would my family think if I told them? At this point I am willing to take any kind of medication, drug, anti-depressant, to make me forget what happened. I don't want to carry on with this memory, I want to go back to how I was before.

Anyway. I wrote this all down and feel somewhat better for it. I might not have written this thread in the right forum, but any advice would be great. Since then I've been really anxious about being outside alone, even being inside alone (which is great, since I live by myself!) I don't like being left alone at all, but there isn't anybody who would tolerate me being around them 24/7. The second man tasted heavily of cigarette ash, to the point where if I smelt it outside I might burst into tears. Surely there is some medication that can help with this?
Hello


I know exactly how you feel.

A couple of years a go some guy I was close to did something similar. He sexually abused me many times and blackmailed me into not saying anything to anyone.

Because of it I now have crippling Social Anxiety and a toxic fear of people or, men, in general. I have turned into a paranoid person that gets skittish when someone touches me. I am naturally a shy and introverted person but this has just tipped me over the edge and I see myself constantly having panic attacks whenever I leave the house. I have become hot headed and lose my temper all the time but I know, deep down, that this is caused by the fact that I cannot express my emotions any other way.

I have spent the last three years since it happened hiding it from my family and along the way I have lost all my friends due to the fact that they just don't have the capacity to understand what I am going through.

I am so sick of letting myself be victimised but nothing helps.

Like you I cannot sleep at night and spend those long hours either crying or having such sickening nightmares that it has forced me to puke.

I just wish someone understood and I wish there was someone I could talk to. I tried counselling and therapy and group sessions but nothing seems to have worked yet..

Maybe the first stages of healing are to heal from the inside but I can't seem to do that because every time I look in the mirror I am repulsed by what I see.

The last few years have been horrid and I don't seem to be on the road to recovery.

Thank you for sharing your story and I really hope you find something that helps you.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top

Are you attending a Global Climate Strike?

Yes, I'm striking (8)
6.25%
No, but I wanted to/I support the cause (72)
56.25%
No (48)
37.5%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed