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Partner out of work and contributes little to the household Watch

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    I'm writing this out of sheer frustration and a growing sense of resentment that is brewing, and is surfacing and causing arguments between us both.

    Simply put, my partner is out of work, and has been for about a month and a half.
    First and foremost, this is due to (her admission) anxiety and depression. She gradually became dissatisfied with her job, and became unable to leave the house and would burst into tears.

    This settled for brief periods with medication, but resurfaced thereafter. I think the problem is that she hasn't found anything that she enjoys or complements her life, skills and is fulfilling. She has no idea of a career, despite having graduated university, and generally is empty inside.

    This sort of thing tends to follow a pattern with her, and has occurred in a few of her jobs while I've been with her. One day off on the sick turned into two, then three, then four. Eventually she had to get a sick [fortnightly] note, and returned to work after 14days. It was then she went to work for few days, and then literally just didn't return to work, she got a notice of disciplinary hearing and didn't go in.

    She's now unemployed, with just me working and bringing in the cash, I am stressed to the bone, depressed and dont like my own job. I too take medication, but stick my job to pay our rent and bills keep this roof over our head.

    Now, I don't want to resent her, I really don't. I understand that she has no money to give me, and while we applied for benefits; we don't get payment just yet.

    She sits around the house most days, with periods of cleaning, but lacks with washing up, and while I understand depression as a mental illness (as I suffer from it), I just feel like im been taken for a ride.

    She then moans at me and says I dont contribute or cook or anything unless she asks. Of course, I work all day 5 days a week, I'm not going to be in the mood to cook when I get home at like 10.30/11pm at night. Of course, on my days off I clean, I cook and do stuff, just not when it suits her all the time.

    I'm starting to become frustrated with her, and thinking why did I even bother moving and sacrificing the comfort of living at my parents (even though im late twenties), and possibility of travel for this?

    She takes me for granted, and really does not understand the sacrifices and decision I made purely for 'us' and not me!

    Her attitude towards me is bad too. She claims she feels like a slave to me, just because I asked her if she'd made some tea for me when I got in (one night of the week).

    Am I been unreasonable here?

    I am bringing in the cash, paying the rent, paying for food, paying for electricity, for our internet. All I expect every now and then is a cooked meal, and for the house to be maintained somewhat?

    I have been trying to save money lately too, but I just can't because of our outgoings and keeping us afloat.

    Also, she hid debts from me, which I've been trying to help her with also. Its stunted my earning power (not that I earn much as it is).

    I find myself daydreaming of a better life, simply because I could be more financially free.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm writing this out of sheer frustration and a growing sense of resentment that is brewing, and is surfacing and causing arguments between us both.

    Simply put, my partner is out of work, and has been for about a month and a half.
    First and foremost, this is due to (her admission) anxiety and depression. She gradually became dissatisfied with her job, and became unable to leave the house and would burst into tears.

    This settled for brief periods with medication, but resurfaced thereafter. I think the problem is that she hasn't found anything that she enjoys or complements her life, skills and is fulfilling. She has no idea of a career, despite having graduated university, and generally is empty inside.

    This sort of thing tends to follow a pattern with her, and has occurred in a few of her jobs while I've been with her. One day off on the sick turned into two, then three, then four. Eventually she had to get a sick [fortnightly] note, and returned to work after 14days. It was then she went to work for few days, and then literally just didn't return to work, she got a notice of disciplinary hearing and didn't go in.

    She's now unemployed, with just me working and bringing in the cash, I am stressed to the bone, depressed and dont like my own job. I too take medication, but stick my job to pay our rent and bills keep this roof over our head.

    Now, I don't want to resent her, I really don't. I understand that she has no money to give me, and while we applied for benefits; we don't get payment just yet.

    She sits around the house most days, with periods of cleaning, but lacks with washing up, and while I understand depression as a mental illness (as I suffer from it), I just feel like im been taken for a ride.

    She then moans at me and says I dont contribute or cook or anything unless she asks. Of course, I work all day 5 days a week, I'm not going to be in the mood to cook when I get home at like 10.30/11pm at night. Of course, on my days off I clean, I cook and do stuff, just not when it suits her all the time.

    I'm starting to become frustrated with her, and thinking why did I even bother moving and sacrificing the comfort of living at my parents (even though im late twenties), and possibility of travel for this?

    She takes me for granted, and really does not understand the sacrifices and decision I made purely for 'us' and not me!

    Her attitude towards me is bad too. She claims she feels like a slave to me, just because I asked her if she'd made some tea for me when I got in (one night of the week).

    Am I been unreasonable here?

    I am bringing in the cash, paying the rent, paying for food, paying for electricity, for our internet. All I expect every now and then is a cooked meal, and for the house to be maintained somewhat?

    I have been trying to save money lately too, but I just can't because of our outgoings and keeping us afloat.

    Also, she hid debts from me, which I've been trying to help her with also. Its stunted my earning power (not that I earn much as it is).

    I find myself daydreaming of a better life, simply because I could be more financially free.
    I'm not surprised that you resent this as it's not something that you signed up for at the beginning of the relationship.

    If she's not doing anything at all to improve her illness and feels that she is too sick for work then she should be signing on for Disability and sickness benefits. She needs to bring some income into the household. You pay tax- if she is entitled to this income she should take it.

    That said, and this sounds mean, I don't know how much I could deal with this long term. Living wage to wage and covering her debts leaves no space for doing fun stuff which is what your 20s should be all about when you're earning.

    I think you need to have a real conversation with her about it all.
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    (Original post by Friffinghell)
    I'm not surprised that you resent this as it's not something that you signed up for at the beginning of the relationship.

    If she's not doing anything at all to improve her illness and feels that she is too sick for work then she should be signing on for Disability and sickness benefits. She needs to bring some income into the household. You pay tax- if she is entitled to this income she should take it.

    That said, and this sounds mean, I don't know how much I could deal with this long term. Living wage to wage and covering her debts leaves no space for doing fun stuff which is what your 20s should be all about when you're earning.

    I think you need to have a real conversation with her about it all.
    Thing is, I do it all out of my love for her. But then today, I was having a conversation with a work colleague, whom said he thinks she's taking me for a ride really. I also think, had I told my Mother, she'd be mortified and literally tell me to dump her and get her out of my life. But I'm a twenty-something year old man, and I don't run to my Mum when things go wrong. I'm just illustrating a point here really...

    I just feel I might be a bit of a doormat really. Like, she is depressed, and I've seen how upset she gets, and I see the pain in her face when she feels so devoid of emotion and wakes up somedays and tells me she cant be asked to do anything. But then, she could use that as motivation to get out of this rut. Also, I understand that the nature of depression doesn't always work that way.

    Like, I leave for work in the mornings, and say to her "I don't suppose you could wash some of the dishes- I know you don't like doing it, but can you please?".

    Meanwhile, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for a gruelling shift in a less than fulfilling job myself. All for the sake of our survival.

    I come home late at night after my hourly bus commute, after a late shift, and she's done nothing. She'd be sat snacking on junk food, or binge watching something on subscription tv (which I pay for).

    She is undergoing therapy, and I have to admit, some days she works real hard. Has a routine, but other days its nothing. But she could be putting more of an effort in.

    I have to endure a stressful and frankly depressing environment at work, which impacts my wellbeing. I'm currently on meds and in therapy, yet I stick at it, because the thought of me supporting 'us' and our 'future family' makes me happy. Despite all my suffering and stress. Yeah, i'm a pushover, but i'm a nice guy.

    I just feel more disappointed because this thought of providing is enough to propel me to work hard, but that it isn't enough for her.

    We are claiming something but its joint, to boost our household income. She has to attend regular meetings for this. Whereas I work so i'm not a priority for welfare.

    Yeah it is very frustrating living from wage to wage, and even more so that I set money aside for stuff; yet can't manage to maintain a savings pot because im constantly dipping into it.

    I dunno if its all because she jut cba or if she's taking my for granted.

    I get so annoyed because her not been bothered impacts my life, and my ambitions and progress.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thing is, I do it all out of my love for her. But then today, I was having a conversation with a work colleague, whom said he thinks she's taking me for a ride really. I also think, had I told my Mother, she'd be mortified and literally tell me to dump her and get her out of my life. But I'm a twenty-something year old man, and I don't run to my Mum when things go wrong. I'm just illustrating a point here really...

    I just feel I might be a bit of a doormat really. Like, she is depressed, and I've seen how upset she gets, and I see the pain in her face when she feels so devoid of emotion and wakes up somedays and tells me she cant be asked to do anything. But then, she could use that as motivation to get out of this rut. Also, I understand that the nature of depression doesn't always work that way.

    Like, I leave for work in the mornings, and say to her "I don't suppose you could wash some of the dishes- I know you don't like doing it, but can you please?".

    Meanwhile, I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for a gruelling shift in a less than fulfilling job myself. All for the sake of our survival.

    I come home late at night after my hourly bus commute, after a late shift, and she's done nothing. She'd be sat snacking on junk food, or binge watching something on subscription tv (which I pay for).

    She is undergoing therapy, and I have to admit, some days she works real hard. Has a routine, but other days its nothing. But she could be putting more of an effort in.

    I have to endure a stressful and frankly depressing environment at work, which impacts my wellbeing. I'm currently on meds and in therapy, yet I stick at it, because the thought of me supporting 'us' and our 'future family' makes me happy. Despite all my suffering and stress. Yeah, i'm a pushover, but i'm a nice guy.

    I just feel more disappointed because this thought of providing is enough to propel me to work hard, but that it isn't enough for her.

    We are claiming something but its joint, to boost our household income. She has to attend regular meetings for this. Whereas I work so i'm not a priority for welfare.

    Yeah it is very frustrating living from wage to wage, and even more so that I set money aside for stuff; yet can't manage to maintain a savings pot because im constantly dipping into it.

    I dunno if its all because she jut cba or if she's taking my for granted.

    I get so annoyed because her not been bothered impacts my life, and my ambitions and progress.
    I think she's caught in a cycle and it can be really difficult to get out of- but realistically if you want to have a life together she needs to break this cycle and force herself to do things she is uncomfortable with.
    You have to do a job and commute every day which I am sure you would rather not do- but part of being an adult is that everything is not handed to you on a plate.

    I wouldn't tell your mum at this point either as you already know that things are not currently good- you don't need somebody else weighing in when you're just trying to get by.

    Does your girlfriend have an end goal in mind? Something that would make her 'happy'?

    I can sympathise with how she is feeling. I went through a heavy depression a few years ago and couldn't face my job at all and got signed off. I ended up quitting while off sick and was in a blind panic about what to do next. I ended up doing an access course and going to Uni and I'm far happier now.

    But if she doesn't have a 'thing' - a goal that is reachable. She is not going to be able to break her cycle.

    Obviously you have been very supportive in keeping things afloat for so long, but both of you need to acknowledge that this is not acceptable long term.
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    Sound like she is taking you for granted a bit imo. I side with your colleague. I gather you are not married from how you describe your situation, I don't understand why she is relying on you financially so if this is the case. I would personally have a frank conversation with her.

    "Listen, I don't like this and this about our situation. I feel this and this. I think this and this would benefit our situation."

    At the end of the day, you are not her therapist, nor her mother. If she is having a tough time, she should maybe return to her parents house for some TLC. You can then get some space and relieve the burden. You are your own person and of course dynamics are different with mother son relationships, but I feel sometimes we don't discuss tough times we are having with our partner with our parents as we know what they will say, and somewhere we maybe think that they are right about the situation. If you feel you are overreacting or just needing to vent somewhat, and this is just a challenging time that will blow over, reach out to your family for support (not necessarily financial but for emotional support, catharsis). Talking about it with them may provide some relief from this stress.
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    You need to get her out of your life ASAP. Law 10, my friend.
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    Modern life is great isn't it?
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    (Original post by Friffinghell)
    I think she's caught in a cycle and it can be really difficult to get out of- but realistically if you want to have a life together she needs to break this cycle and force herself to do things she is uncomfortable with.
    You have to do a job and commute every day which I am sure you would rather not do- but part of being an adult is that everything is not handed to you on a plate.

    I wouldn't tell your mum at this point either as you already know that things are not currently good- you don't need somebody else weighing in when you're just trying to get by.

    Does your girlfriend have an end goal in mind? Something that would make her 'happy'?

    I can sympathise with how she is feeling. I went through a heavy depression a few years ago and couldn't face my job at all and got signed off. I ended up quitting while off sick and was in a blind panic about what to do next. I ended up doing an access course and going to Uni and I'm far happier now.

    But if she doesn't have a 'thing' - a goal that is reachable. She is not going to be able to break her cycle.

    Obviously you have been very supportive in keeping things afloat for so long, but both of you need to acknowledge that this is not acceptable long term.
    Yeah I know full well that it won't be handed to me on a plate. I've led the same struggle from a young age, having had many personal obstacles in my way.

    Yeah, my mum has her own stresses, and agenda to have me go back home to live with her, and frankly I can do without her patronisation and 'told you so' attitude. Although I know Mum loves me, she can also be too over-bearing and molly-coddle me.

    I don't think she does know what she wants, and thats part of the problem. See, we both already graduated, (she two years ago), and I finished a year ago; and we're still finding our feet and trying to find and get onto the career ladder- wherever/whatever this may be.

    Yeah, I have had similar events happen in my life. It's just since Uni ended and I moved out of my parents, life hasn't been so kind and its been tougher than ever.
    Sure, its been a wake up call, and virtually impossible to get through the days.

    The only thing I feel I've accomplished since my degree is 'coping with life', managing my depression, paying my bills and rent.

    I don't think I'm doing a great job with the 'adulting'.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm writing this out of sheer frustration and a growing sense of resentment that is brewing, and is surfacing and causing arguments between us both.

    Simply put, my partner is out of work, and has been for about a month and a half.
    First and foremost, this is due to (her admission) anxiety and depression. She gradually became dissatisfied with her job, and became unable to leave the house and would burst into tears.

    This settled for brief periods with medication, but resurfaced thereafter. I think the problem is that she hasn't found anything that she enjoys or complements her life, skills and is fulfilling. She has no idea of a career, despite having graduated university, and generally is empty inside.

    This sort of thing tends to follow a pattern with her, and has occurred in a few of her jobs while I've been with her. One day off on the sick turned into two, then three, then four. Eventually she had to get a sick [fortnightly] note, and returned to work after 14days. It was then she went to work for few days, and then literally just didn't return to work, she got a notice of disciplinary hearing and didn't go in.

    She's now unemployed, with just me working and bringing in the cash, I am stressed to the bone, depressed and dont like my own job. I too take medication, but stick my job to pay our rent and bills keep this roof over our head.

    Now, I don't want to resent her, I really don't. I understand that she has no money to give me, and while we applied for benefits; we don't get payment just yet.

    She sits around the house most days, with periods of cleaning, but lacks with washing up, and while I understand depression as a mental illness (as I suffer from it), I just feel like im been taken for a ride.

    She then moans at me and says I dont contribute or cook or anything unless she asks. Of course, I work all day 5 days a week, I'm not going to be in the mood to cook when I get home at like 10.30/11pm at night. Of course, on my days off I clean, I cook and do stuff, just not when it suits her all the time.

    I'm starting to become frustrated with her, and thinking why did I even bother moving and sacrificing the comfort of living at my parents (even though im late twenties), and possibility of travel for this?

    She takes me for granted, and really does not understand the sacrifices and decision I made purely for 'us' and not me!

    Her attitude towards me is bad too. She claims she feels like a slave to me, just because I asked her if she'd made some tea for me when I got in (one night of the week).

    Am I been unreasonable here?

    I am bringing in the cash, paying the rent, paying for food, paying for electricity, for our internet. All I expect every now and then is a cooked meal, and for the house to be maintained somewhat?

    I have been trying to save money lately too, but I just can't because of our outgoings and keeping us afloat.

    Also, she hid debts from me, which I've been trying to help her with also. Its stunted my earning power (not that I earn much as it is).

    I find myself daydreaming of a better life, simply because I could be more financially free.
    She's holding you down. You sound like a safe guy, dump her and sort yourself out then find someone new, if she comes running back kick her aside-she isn't worth your time. Anxiety isn't an excuse for not doing chores, what is she anxious of? Cooking and cleaning? Get yourself a real woman.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I know full well that it won't be handed to me on a plate. I've led the same struggle from a young age, having had many personal obstacles in my way.

    Yeah, my mum has her own stresses, and agenda to have me go back home to live with her, and frankly I can do without her patronisation and 'told you so' attitude. Although I know Mum loves me, she can also be too over-bearing and molly-coddle me.

    I don't think she does know what she wants, and thats part of the problem. See, we both already graduated, (she two years ago), and I finished a year ago; and we're still finding our feet and trying to find and get onto the career ladder- wherever/whatever this may be.

    Yeah, I have had similar events happen in my life. It's just since Uni ended and I moved out of my parents, life hasn't been so kind and its been tougher than ever.
    Sure, its been a wake up call, and virtually impossible to get through the days.

    The only thing I feel I've accomplished since my degree is 'coping with life', managing my depression, paying my bills and rent.

    I don't think I'm doing a great job with the 'adulting'.
    We're all making it up as we go along unfortunately. There's not a great handbook for being an adult!

    You've got enough pressure at home without adding external pressures to the mix.

    For both of you; I'd start making short term achievable goals.

    If you're fairly happy in your job for the time being then I'd encourage you to work on your work/life balance. Get out a bit- go for nice walks. Break up your day and your current habits. Life always seems better when it's not all about going to work- coming home - eating- sleeping- going to work.

    For her. (Without knowing much about her) I'd say she needs to work on regaining some confidence. She needs to regain some mastery of her surroundings, choices and behaviours. Doing something each day to force you out of your 'comfort cycle' (ie: staying in the house and in your head) can help her format her day into something more worthwhile. Whether she schedules in trips to her local library, wildlife walks,or doing something creative like challenging herself to a photo a day on a certain theme, a cycle or even as easy as walking to the shops to buy bread and milk. Having this goal that has to be done creates a purpose and it is something that is easily fulfilled. Knowing that you have done at least one thing with your day is a lot more empowering than knowing that you did nothing at all.

    I believe that depression, whilst a totally legitimate thing, can become like a habit. You become so used to being depressed that you forget how to exist in a not depressed state.
    They say it takes around 30 days to break a habit and 60 days to form new ones. It's not easy, but at the end of the day neither of you are doing things just for yourselves- you cannot be so selfish as part of a couple. If she can't do it for herself she should do it for you.
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    Yeah I mean she's clearly not being a supportive or equal partner here. I'm not in a position to contribute as much financially as my partner right now (as I moved for his career and only work part time mostly) but I try and counter that by making sure there's always food in when he gets home, making him a drink or sandwich, keeping the flat clean and washing done etc. It seems ridiculous to me that he would be out at work every day while I'm sat around the house and he comes home and still had to cook and clean. If I have a heavy week at work then he has to pull a bit more weight but while I'm at home I try and keep on top of stuff.

    Likewise having money trouble is one thing but if you're having an issue which will affect your partner .e.g significant debts then you HAVE to share that. It really isn't fair that you are in the position you are with stuff so hard financially just because your partner lied to you (I'm assuming you could have paid the stuff she couldn't if you knew at the time).

    The last thing is her attitude to her illness. It is hard struggling with depression, you're struggling, I've been there too. I know it can feel impossible to go to work but I'm sure it often feels impossible to you too but you get up and go because otherwise you'll both be homeless and starving. She didn't do that and has repeatedly dropped out of jobs making herself less and less employable. It takes action to recover from depression. You have to work at it and work will never get easier unless you force yourself through the *****y times. Everyone hates their job at times and many people struggle to find something they enjoy and have to get on with it. So I can really understand why you're frustrated with her. I'm sure she genuinely feels she's doing her best but either way it's causing you huge amounts of stress and pressure and making your illness worse...

    I think it can't work with the two of you long term unless she dramatically changes her behaviour and outlook on life as a whole because you will just have the same problems over and over - it's just easier to ignore the money problems, spend what you want and quit when your job gets boring - if you don't give her a reason (i.e. you leaving) to change.
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    This is a difficult one. Having depression,as you've recognised, does make things harder. But not doing a lot makes it harder too from experience. For me, part of being a couple does mean you share the household chores. If you're working all day, she can't expect you to doe everything, which is the impression I get?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm writing this out of sheer frustration and a growing sense of resentment that is brewing, and is surfacing and causing arguments between us both.

    Simply put, my partner is out of work, and has been for about a month and a half.
    First and foremost, this is due to (her admission) anxiety and depression. She gradually became dissatisfied with her job, and became unable to leave the house and would burst into tears.

    This settled for brief periods with medication, but resurfaced thereafter. I think the problem is that she hasn't found anything that she enjoys or complements her life, skills and is fulfilling. She has no idea of a career, despite having graduated university, and generally is empty inside.

    This sort of thing tends to follow a pattern with her, and has occurred in a few of her jobs while I've been with her. One day off on the sick turned into two, then three, then four. Eventually she had to get a sick [fortnightly] note, and returned to work after 14days. It was then she went to work for few days, and then literally just didn't return to work, she got a notice of disciplinary hearing and didn't go in.

    She's now unemployed, with just me working and bringing in the cash, I am stressed to the bone, depressed and dont like my own job. I too take medication, but stick my job to pay our rent and bills keep this roof over our head.

    Now, I don't want to resent her, I really don't. I understand that she has no money to give me, and while we applied for benefits; we don't get payment just yet.

    She sits around the house most days, with periods of cleaning, but lacks with washing up, and while I understand depression as a mental illness (as I suffer from it), I just feel like im been taken for a ride.

    She then moans at me and says I dont contribute or cook or anything unless she asks. Of course, I work all day 5 days a week, I'm not going to be in the mood to cook when I get home at like 10.30/11pm at night. Of course, on my days off I clean, I cook and do stuff, just not when it suits her all the time.

    I'm starting to become frustrated with her, and thinking why did I even bother moving and sacrificing the comfort of living at my parents (even though im late twenties), and possibility of travel for this?

    She takes me for granted, and really does not understand the sacrifices and decision I made purely for 'us' and not me!

    Her attitude towards me is bad too. She claims she feels like a slave to me, just because I asked her if she'd made some tea for me when I got in (one night of the week).

    Am I been unreasonable here?

    I am bringing in the cash, paying the rent, paying for food, paying for electricity, for our internet. All I expect every now and then is a cooked meal, and for the house to be maintained somewhat?

    I have been trying to save money lately too, but I just can't because of our outgoings and keeping us afloat.

    Also, she hid debts from me, which I've been trying to help her with also. Its stunted my earning power (not that I earn much as it is).

    I find myself daydreaming of a better life, simply because I could be more financially free.
    Wow, you are an *******. Money isn't everything. You have no idea how crippling depression can be. Thank god my partner is NOTHING like you. How can you be so horrible?
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Wow, you are an *******. Money isn't everything. You have no idea how crippling depression can be. Thank god my partner is NOTHING like you. How can you be so horrible?
    Me thinks this went a bit too close to home for you as OP's partner sounds to be in pretty much the exact same situation as you.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Wow, you are an *******. Money isn't everything. You have no idea how crippling depression can be. Thank god my partner is NOTHING like you. How can you be so horrible?
    Mental illness is not a get out of jail free card for all situations. Treat people like crap, blame depression. Contribute nothing to the house, blame depression. Money isn't everything, but it becomes everything if you don't have enough of it.

    The OP is depressed as well. If his girlfriend doesn't want to be helped, then there's nothing he can do. He doesn't deserve to be treated like a doormat.

    I have had depression and social anxiety. It has made me treat people in less than stellar ways and I feel bad about that. My behaviour wasn't as consistent and intense as the OP's girlfriend though. Nobody should use another person as an emotional punching bag.

    OP, talk honestly and openly to your girlfriend. If she won't listen, then it may be time to end the relationship and move in with your parents until you can sort out a new place. Life is too short to be used and abused.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Wow, you are an *******. Money isn't everything. You have no idea how crippling depression can be. Thank god my partner is NOTHING like you. How can you be so horrible?
    money isn't everything if you have enough... if you're constantly terrified about whether you'll have a roof over your heads or where the next meal is coming from, it becomes a pretty big part of your life

    OP is depressed themselves and they're trying to be as supportive as possible, dealing with $$$$s of their partner's debts, going to work every day even though the job is making them miserable, sticking it out in a flat they can't afford to try and be with his partner for support... being depressed isn't an excuse to do anything you want. It's reasonable for OP to expect some standards of behaviour, especially given all the sacrifices they're making. OP also has to look after themself.
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    (Original post by Ciel.)
    Wow, you are an *******. Money isn't everything. You have no idea how crippling depression can be. Thank god my partner is NOTHING like you. How can you be so horrible?
    I am depressed myself and have been in and out of therapy for years; so before you judge me I do understand mental illness.

    When I wrote this post im talking about much more than the lack of a job and money.

    Im talking about a complete lack of effort to ensure we get our benefit claim (for 'our' sake); i.e. not actively looking for work, not sorting it out and sticking to our job centre quota-commitment as part of our claim.

    Im not been unreasonable in that her not doing that will jeapordise and leave us more worse off and effectively grind me to the ground. I'd need to effectively work each single day if she doesnt stick to her end of the bargain.

    just the other day I had to motivate her to do that which frustrated me because her need or desire to get well to get that claim and do apply for just a few jobs must far outweigh any sense of emptiness she feels.

    for me that is my purpose to provide; now im sorry i came across as a *** but it is frustrating been the only one bringing in money.

    Finally, money isnt everything but it makes life easier, and sadly without money you cant survive and it causes more problems without.
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    (Original post by Kyou)
    Me thinks this went a bit too close to home for you as OP's partner sounds to be in pretty much the exact same situation as you.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Mental illness is not a get out of jail free card for all situations. Treat people like crap, blame depression. Contribute nothing to the house, blame depression. Money isn't everything, but it becomes everything if you don't have enough of it.

    The OP is depressed as well. If his girlfriend doesn't want to be helped, then there's nothing he can do. He doesn't deserve to be treated like a doormat.

    I have had depression and social anxiety. It has made me treat people in less than stellar ways and I feel bad about that. My behaviour wasn't as consistent and intense as the OP's girlfriend though. Nobody should use another person as an emotional punching bag.

    OP, talk honestly and openly to your girlfriend. If she won't listen, then it may be time to end the relationship and move in with your parents until you can sort out a new place. Life is too short to be used and abused.
    (Original post by doodle_333)
    money isn't everything if you have enough... if you're constantly terrified about whether you'll have a roof over your heads or where the next meal is coming from, it becomes a pretty big part of your life

    OP is depressed themselves and they're trying to be as supportive as possible, dealing with $$$$s of their partner's debts, going to work every day even though the job is making them miserable, sticking it out in a flat they can't afford to try and be with his partner for support... being depressed isn't an excuse to do anything you want. It's reasonable for OP to expect some standards of behaviour, especially given all the sacrifices they're making. OP also has to look after themself.
    Guys, she's only been out of work for a month and a half! He's acting as if it's been YEARS.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am depressed myself and have been in and out of therapy for years; so before you judge me I do understand mental illness.

    When I wrote this post im talking about much more than the lack of a job and money.

    Im talking about a complete lack of effort to ensure we get our benefit claim (for 'our' sake); i.e. not actively looking for work, not sorting it out and sticking to our job centre quota-commitment as part of our claim.

    Im not been unreasonable in that her not doing that will jeapordise and leave us more worse off and effectively grind me to the ground. I'd need to effectively work each single day if she doesnt stick to her end of the bargain.

    just the other day I had to motivate her to do that which frustrated me because her need or desire to get well to get that claim and do apply for just a few jobs must far outweigh any sense of emptiness she feels.

    for me that is my purpose to provide; now im sorry i came across as a *** but it is frustrating been the only one bringing in money.

    Finally, money isnt everything but it makes life easier, and sadly without money you cant survive and it causes more problems without.
    I totally believe that you are depressed, too. BUT, maybe your depression isn't as severe. There are people out there that are unable to get out of bed due to depression. So her being unable to fill out all the forms etc. isn't really surprising. She's only been like that for less than 2 months. Give her a bit more time.
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    Give her an ultimatum, she doesn't do the chores and she won't get laid she will change her mind about her (((depression)))
 
 
 
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