Feel so down at the moment...

PLEASE keep anon as my sister uses this site too!

OK, this is gonna be more of a rant than asking for advice...

Basically, right now, I feel like **** to be honest. The main problem is with uni life. It's not that I an unhappy with the uni/people, it's just that being at uni makes me feel so depressed sometimes.

It's my parents (well, my dad). He's always been a bit "pushy" - not extremely, but he thinks I am capable of almost being a genius (which I am not!) and he is also practically choosing my life for me.

There have been many time his pushyness have been upsetting me, but that's in the past (for example during my 11+ exam, SATs, GCSEs) and I don't care that much anymore.

Basically, nothing seems good enough. At AS level, I got AAAC. OK, nothing to boast about, but I was pretty happy with them as I had made little effort during that year, and all my friends did pretty badly. But no, my dad seemed to completely disregard that I had gotten 3 As, and acted like I had done really bad. So made me upset.

Anyway, back to the bit about uni.

When I was first choosing unis to apply to for Law (the course that he told me to choose, but I digress), he told me to put down LSE as first choice.

I nearly laughed cos there was NO way in the world that I would even be considered for an offer. I said to him "I'm not good enough for LSE", but he made me put it down. As expected, I got rejected straight away, which was frustrating as I knew that was coming.

So, at uni now studying Law: he phones me every day without fail. He says he's not checking up on me, but then goes on to ask "Did you go out today? Who are you with? [I reply "friends"] What friends? etc etc"

It's so embarassing when he phones, as my friends know its my family calling me all the time.

He phones in the evening, which is normally when I am with my friends. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I hate clubbing, so I'm usually just chilling out with them in their room or something. So he has nothing to worry about.

One time I went to a society event, and I told him that it didn't finish until 8:30pm. I then forgot to switch my phone on afterwards and when I switched it on at 10pm, there were over 10 missed calls from him. He phoned and was all moody with me, even though I specifically told him what I would be doing. He asked me where I'd been all night and I told him about the event and said I went to have dinner at a mate's house after. He went quiet and mumbled "Well, you can say what you like" and I was trying so hard not to cry cos he blatantly thought I was lying FFS.

Never mind that; on my ****ing birthday, me and my group of mates went out for a film, dinner and just mucked about in halls. It was a Friday, and it was only about 11:30pm. He phones and is all like "Where are you?! Why aren't you in your room yet?" and his voice was all sad and quiet, as if he was really tired. Feeling guilty, I just left and sat in my room crying. It was my first birthday ever away from home, and I felt so alone.

So basically right now, I am avoiding going out at all, in case he does phone and nag at me.

And his pushyness is coming through again - the day after my birthday he gave me a long lecture and said that he wanted me to become a top barrister and then Queen's Counsel! OMG. I had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing.
#1, I never wanted to be a barrister in the first place. Just a solicitor would be fine.
#2, There is no chance that I can become a QC. I'm just not smart enough.

Then, when he was talking about which branch of law I wanted to go into, I was about to answer "family law", but then he butted in and said "Don't do criminal law because that's too much hard work, family law is rubbish in terms of money, so do company law." And that was that.

He also has a habit of guilt tripping me. Some would call it emotional blackmail. He's always like "We're not depending on you" and then suddenly he can be like "It's your future, your mum and I don't have a future, it's all up to you"

Sometimes I want to scream at him "IF YOU DIDN'T MESS UP YOUR LIFE, WE WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS". Cos he does have a degree (?) in some form of engineering, but somehow things went poo and he's now got a bad job etc etc.

I think he's making me make up for the mistake/failure in his life.

He thinks I am strong enough, but I am not. I'm only a girl...I feel like I have the whole of my family depending on me...and there's work coming at me left, right and centre. Too much pressure...

OK, I'll shut my gob now; can't type cos my tears are making my eyes blurry, and I have gone on long enough.

Thanks for reading,

Regards,
Trapped.

Reply 1

makeshiftwings

You do realise that this is a form of bullying?
Don't let him do this. In a way I suppose he only wants you to be the best you can be. But you can do what you like, you are an adult, the only person stopping you is him.

Reply 2

hang_your_heart

I think you need to talk to him calmly - or write him a letter if that would be easier. Explain all this to him - tell him you love him and you understand that he wants you to succeed, but you think you've proved that you're trustworthy and you're an adult and need some space. You don't need to tell him what your future plans are now; just let him believe what he wants because at the end of the day it's up to you.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

The thing is, I feel I have no right to complain, as he works really hard (12hours a day) to support the family, and I feel really bad.

It's not an unbearable problem; it's just sometimes quite daunting and I sometimes break into tears when I'm in my room, but I can cope with it all.

When he talks to me about my future now, I just switch off and go into auto-pilot; I know that I can change things later.

And my uni work is OK, I can manage that too.

Maybe I'm just being emo and whining...sometimes I have to remind myself how lucky I am to be at uni and studying a for a degree that has good career prospects.

Reply 4

hang_your_heart

Yeah, he does work hard. But doesn't he do it because he wants you to be happy? If putting all this pressure on you is making you miserable then he's achieving the exact opposite. Explain to him that you are motivated and want to succeed, but you also want a little freedom and whilst you love him very much, you're responsible enough that he doesn't need to be so involved.

Reply 5

username47781

At the end of the day you are old enough now to know where you want to go, do not let them bully you into any other way. You can't do something just for the sake of satisfying him, it will only make you miserable in the long run.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Maybe I should start by gently telling him that he doesn't need to phone me every single day...

Thanks.

Reply 7

username47781

Well if he's phoning you every day it will be very distracting. If it don't work you telling him not phone everyday, just ignore it when he calls.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Oh dear, I can't ignore his calls...otherwise he'll call and call until my phone explodes.

He probably is over paranoid and thinks I am in some kind of trouble...

And if I do ignore his calls, when he finally gets through, he'll either guilt-trip or be moody, and we'll back to square one.

I think he'll listen to my asking for him not to call every day.

Reply 9

qubog

Yep, some good advice there, just write him a letter saying you can't be there at the phone all the time. He's just worried and over-protective and probably doesn't realise the effect he's having on you. He obviously totally misses having you around too.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Yeah, I had my reading week and he said "If you don't have lectures all week, then why don't you stay at home for longer?"

I replied "I'm using that week to do my coursework."

He seemed OK about it, but I know that deep down he really wanted me to come home.

I can't seem to win - I intend to spend lots of time at uni to do my work, thus achieving academic success (I'd just be too distracted to do any work at home), but then I feel guilty because I seem to be avoiding my home and I know that my family miss me loads.

In fact, I really did want to spend the week at home, but due to the fact that I feel obliged to work, I had to stay at uni. :frown:

Reply 11

M15T3R CH4RL35

Don't let a control freak ruin your youth

It is too precious to waste

Its harrassment, and you can always say your phone broke!

He obviously doesn't care about what you think of him so why should you care about what he thinks of you?

Reply 12

Zerforax

Lol... i couldve written half of that post, its quite scary!
With the expectation, he probably feels he needs to push you, 'support' you so you can suceed. I mean it puts a lot of pressure on you, yes but he probably thinks its helping, if it isn't you need to try and explain to him. Not a huge rant but subtle or small talk about it. Dont do it by yourself and make sure someone else is there to back you up incase he starts guilt tripping (other/older siblings can be great for this).

With the phoning every day... my dad does the same but i like to pretend its because he cares and not just checking up :p:

Perhaps jokingly imply/ask if he does trust you. You can never do it in a serious tone since it offends them and they make you feel more guilty :p:

but basically.. guilt them for not trusting you :biggrin:

My dad was kinda pushy about doing law, but im kinda glad he did now, im enjoying it more than i thought i would! He wants me to be a barrister too :p: