I'll never reach his standard :,-(

I feel scared. I wish you were earning much less than what you are. I don’t think I can keep up, much less secure you. Some woman ‘on your financial level’ will come along and you will have more in common with her than with me. You will look at me like a ‘sponge’, a ‘financial drain’. Why would you possibly want to stay with me when a successful, willing, independent and equal woman comes along?

I feel defeatist. Like I know exactly what is going to happen, and I am powerless to stop it, no matter how hard I work. I feel like lying down and giving up.

This panic has encompassed other areas of my life also, such as the degree and upcoming examinations. Powerless.

I really wish you were more on my level. I sincerely doubt that I will ever achieve your financial standard, even when I do reach your age. Maybe I’m being too defeatist? Maybe I’m just being realistic.

Some days I feel so vulnerable and immature I just want to throw the towel in on everything and crawl back to mum. Perhaps linking her up to the internet so I can contact her regularly would help pacify this feeling (as talking to her regularly would remind me that it is not a viable option, because she is senile).

Equality is a difficult standard to achieve. The more I learn, the higher my capacity for knowledge and the broader my experience makes me realise this fact of my life stronger each day. I don’t think I will ever achieve true equality with you. Thus, I don’t think I ever will be “safe” or “secure”. The only way I could possibly feel such sentiments would be if I was with someone ‘on my level’ or lower. Yeah sure, we will live in relative poverty, have to save up to go places, worry about Christmas gifts. But such a partner would be less likely to discard me when someone more appropriate comes along (look at dad for example. My mother was waaaaay bellow him financially. And look what happened. I don’t want to be as foolish as her. As trusting. As blind and naïve as she was).

I can’t possibly see what I have to offer you. That feeling of being ‘redundant”, “useless”, “worthless”, “pointless” is not something I find easy to deal with.

I am not looking forward to the career lined up ahead of me: the cold culture of back-stabbing, cruel secrecy, hostile competitiveness and fake bravado. And yet, that is my destiny. I have no choice. For, even when I following this path I *still* will not reach your standard. Therefore settling for anything less is definitely not an option available to me under these circumstances.

I have a gut instinct you are thinking right now: “oh boo hoo. She’s feeling sorry for herself. She does this a lot”.

Well, if being scared out of my mind, constantly worried, depressed and in prolonged daily panic equates to feeling sorry for myself – then yes – I am. And I do not enjoy this daily existence at all. I long for a simpler life. Like the one I had at [last university - a red brick] when I was in a more effective learning environment, and didn’t have to worry about loosing my boyfriend because he was working in a bank with next to no career prospects. I took it for granted at the time, but in hindsight, I was much more secure back then than I am now.

It is bizarre how, from the outside, my situation could be interpreted as “improving”, but in reality, from the inside, gaged from my current feelings, I feel more directionless and more fearful than I have for a long time. The last occasion when I felt this scared and lost, was when mum tried to commit suicide and she got sent to hospital for a few months resulting in me being shipped to my aunts for the duration. I had no idea where my life was going back then. I felt alone and directionless back then. I’m feeling similar sentiments now.

The knowledge that when I finally complete my training I still will not be able to feel secure. I will not be able to do an honest days work and feel proud of that. Becaus I will still be working at a lower level financially and status-wise, no matter how many hours and effort and sweat I put into it. So I'll never really be able to feel proud of my achievements. even though to other people they may seem superb. I will never really feel like I have achieved anything in comparison. I will always be 'looking up'. To know that at this stage is very depressing.

I cant win the battle for equality with you, and I know that at this stage. You'll never feel proud of me because compared to your achievements, there is little to be proud of. However compared to someone else who is on the same level, we would have mutual respect and pride. eachothers careers will seem equally valuable. but in our relationship, yours takes value over mine. its unequal. to suggest otherwise would be to deny fact.