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Struggling to trust in new relationship after being cheated on in the past. Watch

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    So my ex and I were together for a year and a half before I finally had the courage and common sense to leave.

    I met him at work, I was 19 when we started dating, he was 24. We started off as friends and got on great at work. I fancied him, and when we became friends on Facebook I naturally looked at his profile, saw that he had a girlfriend, and that was enough for me to decide that fancying him was pointless, so I was happy being friends. However we went on a work night out a month or two later, and he kissed me. I freaked out, asking people if he still had a girlfriend because if he did that is not okay and he needed to know that. Everyone said she actually dumped him not long before I started working there, so I felt better.

    In the coming weeks we went on a few dates (initiated by him) and then started dating. He was lovely and things seemed good. However he still had her as his girlfriend on Facebook and when I questioned him he said he just forgot to delete it. At first it didn't bother me, but when that didn't change, along with other things that seemed off, I got suspicious.

    Anyway, long story short after 6 months of being together, him acting weird with disappearing and other actions, I figured out he was cheating. I managed to get his 'ex' to call me, and told her what was going on. She broke down crying, she clearly had no idea. We spoke for hours working out all the weird things he had been doing. He had never left her, but told everyone before he even met me that she left him, we still to this day don't know why he did that. Anyway, when we both eventually got hold of him, we each confronted him and got the answers we wanted. Due to being naive, I took him back after a while. Stupid I know, but eventually I realised he was a waste of space and left him. I finally felt myself again once he was gone.

    In time I met someone new, he's absolutely lovely, and has never done anything suspicious like my ex did. I've met his friends and family, he doesn't hide anything to do with us online, it's all out there in the open. He's very attentive and treats me wonderfully. However because of the past I am struggling to trust him. I have explained to him what happened to me and he couldn't be more understanding, and though he does his best to put me at ease I still have moments of horrible panic and suspicion.

    This is all made harder by the fact it's long distance, he lives in New York and I'm in the UK. The long distance is hard but worth it, we Skype a lot and always have visits organised. But since we can't just see each other whenever we want, and it would be easy for him to lie or cheat without me knowing I find trust hard at times.

    What I want to ask is how anyone who has been cheated on coped with it and became able to trust again? I can feel myself self sabotaging this wonderful relationship because of my fears and saying things that make him think i don't trust him. I do trust him, I just have moments of irrational and unprovoked fear. He hasn't done anything wrong, and he does his best to support me, so I really don't want to ruin it.

    If anyone has any advice of how I can learn to be calm and fully trust again I would be really grateful. I'm also happy to answer any questions that would help to give better advice.

    Thank you
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So my ex and I were together for a year and a half before I finally had the courage and common sense to leave.

    I met him at work, I was 19 when we started dating, he was 24. We started off as friends and got on great at work. I fancied him, and when we became friends on Facebook I naturally looked at his profile, saw that he had a girlfriend, and that was enough for me to decide that fancying him was pointless, so I was happy being friends. However we went on a work night out a month or two later, and he kissed me. I freaked out, asking people if he still had a girlfriend because if he did that is not okay and he needed to know that. Everyone said she actually dumped him not long before I started working there, so I felt better.

    In the coming weeks we went on a few dates (initiated by him) and then started dating. He was lovely and things seemed good. However he still had her as his girlfriend on Facebook and when I questioned him he said he just forgot to delete it. At first it didn't bother me, but when that didn't change, along with other things that seemed off, I got suspicious.

    Anyway, long story short after 6 months of being together, him acting weird with disappearing and other actions, I figured out he was cheating. I managed to get his 'ex' to call me, and told her what was going on. She broke down crying, she clearly had no idea. We spoke for hours working out all the weird things he had been doing. He had never left her, but told everyone before he even met me that she left him, we still to this day don't know why he did that. Anyway, when we both eventually got hold of him, we each confronted him and got the answers we wanted. Due to being naive, I took him back after a while. Stupid I know, but eventually I realised he was a waste of space and left him. I finally felt myself again once he was gone.

    In time I met someone new, he's absolutely lovely, and has never done anything suspicious like my ex did. I've met his friends and family, he doesn't hide anything to do with us online, it's all out there in the open. He's very attentive and treats me wonderfully. However because of the past I am struggling to trust him. I have explained to him what happened to me and he couldn't be more understanding, and though he does his best to put me at ease I still have moments of horrible panic and suspicion.

    This is all made harder by the fact it's long distance, he lives in New York and I'm in the UK. The long distance is hard but worth it, we Skype a lot and always have visits organised. But since we can't just see each other whenever we want, and it would be easy for him to lie or cheat without me knowing I find trust hard at times.

    What I want to ask is how anyone who has been cheated on coped with it and became able to trust again? I can feel myself self sabotaging this wonderful relationship because of my fears and saying things that make him think i don't trust him. I do trust him, I just have moments of irrational and unprovoked fear. He hasn't done anything wrong, and he does his best to support me, so I really don't want to ruin it.

    If anyone has any advice of how I can learn to be calm and fully trust again I would be really grateful. I'm also happy to answer any questions that would help to give better advice.

    Thank you
    I read this, this morning but was on my way out.

    My answer was you have two issues.

    1. Trust. If i was advising a friend id tel them just to learn from the experience, think about why you were caught out and you read him incorrectly. One of lifes most important skills is being able to read and assess people. You got it wrong on this occasion, but we all make mistakes, just learn from it and do better next time.

    Now its a natural reaction to be scarred or afraid that it might happen again, but by trying to protect yourself and not trusting you end up guaranteeing yourself a lonely existence because you reject people that are good for you as well as the people who are not.

    What you have to do is find a balance.

    Be careful and cautious.
    Trust people initially and give them the benefit of the doubt until they give you reason to doubt them. If the evidence is there and they have a chance to explain then bail if you arent happy or it makes no sense. You werent observant enough with your ex.

    Give the new one a chance. he could be cheating, but unless you have evidence then trust him. Just use some common sense . Some people are liars and others are not.

    2. The bigger problem is LDR and it suits those who are good communicators and recognise that it is no a normal relationship, but something you have to adapt to. You arent physically together so dont pretend or try to have a normal face to face relationship. It doesnt mean you can talk and confide a lot in ways you might not in a physical relationship.

    Make plans about what you both want and schedule in any meets.

    Hate to be pessimistic but they can burn out eventually, so take the good whilst it lasts, Hope you can keep it going, but unless you are going to live together then people can get bored and they fall apart. The fact is you arent physically together so you miss out on normal dating. That happens in normal relationships as well, so imo approach it with some realism and enjoy the good aspects whilst they last, then see where it goes.

    It would probably help if you told him you will try not to compare him with the ex and you realise you need to trust him unless he gives you reason not to. Once youve discussed it then dont make a big thing or be too needy as that will get boring.

    In the event it fizzles or you find he isnt who you expected, then dont blame yourself, just get out quickly and cleanly. You are going to have to meet a fair few till you find one you can have a long lasting relationship with. Enjoy this one whilst its good and see what happens.
 
 
 
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