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can i ask my dad these questions Watch

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    why did you marry her so quicky?

    why did you tell me you would choose her over me, when I did not ask you to make a choice?

    did you not care that you made me feel extremely miserable and isolated? did you just not care about me?





    this is about events that happened 10 years ago and I have realised I am still deeply hurt and scarred by them. I feel like the only way to help this process is by talking about it and i don't think me and my dad's relationship will be properly good until then. i am scared this will start more arguments which i dont want i just want to resolve my own brain and feelings.
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    I believe that even if that happened 10 or 20 years ago, if it's something you feel like you need to get it out of your chest, you should do it.

    I recommend you to write a letter to your dad, saying all you want to say and don't dare to. I mean everything. And then read the letter, aloud, to yourself, and finally burn it. This will help to organize your thoughts and let the anger go. After that, you can go and talk to your dad and get the answers you need. But be aware that the answers may not be what you want, so try to be calm and be empathetic, remember sometimes we all say or do things we don't exactly mean..


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why did you marry her so quicky?

    why did you tell me you would choose her over me, when I did not ask you to make a choice?

    did you not care that you made me feel extremely miserable and isolated? did you just not care about me?





    this is about events that happened 10 years ago and I have realised I am still deeply hurt and scarred by them. I feel like the only way to help this process is by talking about it and i don't think me and my dad's relationship will be properly good until then. i am scared this will start more arguments which i dont want i just want to resolve my own brain and feelings.
    Ahh the old dad getting married for a second time scenario and quickly. My ex husband married his new woman ( and I am being kind here ) within a few weeks of our divorce and didn't consult his children - didn't even invite them to the wedding.

    If you want my advice I would just leave it. It happened 10 years ago. Divorces happen and parents get remarried. We very rarely like the new partner so much because they are interlopers. You maybe need some counselling to help you get over it - and I do understand why you feel so rotten.

    My nephew was devastated by his dad marrying his new w.... ( in fact he had been having an affair and they had a baby and nobody knew) The subsequent relationship between them was explosive.

    Don't let this ruin your life. If the opportunity comes up to say that you were hurt then do so but otherwise leave it. ( Your dad probably does know but unfortunately adults can be very selfish)
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    (Original post by TagridS)
    I believe that even if that happened 10 or 20 years ago, if it's something you feel like you need to get it out of your chest, you should do it.

    I recommend you to write a letter to your dad, saying all you want to say and don't dare to. I mean everything. And then read the letter, aloud, to yourself, and finally burn it. This will help to organize your thoughts and let the anger go. After that, you can go and talk to your dad and get the answers you need. But be aware that the answers may not be what you want, so try to be calm and be empathetic, remember sometimes we all say or do things we don't exactly mean..
    he will just say i am holding a grudge and i need to forget about it... i would try the letter but i tried that several times when all this was happening but he just screwed it up and said i was pathetic. pathetic for being upset that my dad was treating me like dirt i guess. he is just not very understanding and is EXTREMELY defensive. i don't know if it is his way of dealing with guilt which is buried very deep or he genuinely doesn't give a ****. he has a very sharp tongue.

    (Original post by squeakysquirrel)
    Ahh the old dad getting married for a second time scenario and quickly. My ex husband married his new woman ( and I am being kind here ) within a few weeks of our divorce and didn't consult his children - didn't even invite them to the wedding.

    If you want my advice I would just leave it. It happened 10 years ago. Divorces happen and parents get remarried. We very rarely like the new partner so much because they are interlopers. You maybe need some counselling to help you get over it - and I do understand why you feel so rotten.

    My nephew was devastated by his dad marrying his new w.... ( in fact he had been having an affair and they had a baby and nobody knew) The subsequent relationship between them was explosive.

    Don't let this ruin your life. If the opportunity comes up to say that you were hurt then do so but otherwise leave it. ( Your dad probably does know but unfortunately adults can be very selfish)
    wow i am so sorry that that happened to both you and your children. my situation is a bit different to the divorce and remarry situation but i guess you could call it similar on the surface also my main issue wasn't him remarrying, it was the person he was remarrying destroying our relationship and him allowing it to the extreme. he treated me badly. he didn't act how fathers should, though he is of course human and does make mistakes. he has never said the way he treated me was a mistake though, or apologised. thanks for replying.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by squeakysquirrel)
    Ahh the old dad getting married for a second time scenario and quickly. My ex husband married his new woman ( and I am being kind here ) within a few weeks of our divorce and didn't consult his children - didn't even invite them to the wedding.

    If you want my advice I would just leave it. It happened 10 years ago. Divorces happen and parents get remarried. We very rarely like the new partner so much because they are interlopers. You maybe need some counselling to help you get over it - and I do understand why you feel so rotten.

    My nephew was devastated by his dad marrying his new w.... ( in fact he had been having an affair and they had a baby and nobody knew) The subsequent relationship between them was explosive.

    Don't let this ruin your life. If the opportunity comes up to say that you were hurt then do so but otherwise leave it. ( Your dad probably does know but unfortunately adults can be very selfish)
    just to add - fathers really shouldn't do this to their children. same goes for mothers but i rarely hear of it. there are some who seem to think that as soon as they are teenagers they are basically adults and their duty to them ends. i think research needs to be done into mid life crisis because it's very destructive for children. i don't see why they don't put their children first. it has made me feel like you can't trust anyone.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he will just say i am holding a grudge and i need to forget about it... i would try the letter but i tried that several times when all this was happening but he just screwed it up and said i was pathetic. pathetic for being upset that my dad was treating me like dirt i guess. he is just not very understanding and is EXTREMELY defensive. i don't know if it is his way of dealing with guilt which is buried very deep or he genuinely doesn't give a ****. he has a very sharp tongue.



    wow i am so sorry that that happened to both you and your children. my situation is a bit different to the divorce and remarry situation but i guess you could call it similar on the surface also my main issue wasn't him remarrying, it was the person he was remarrying destroying our relationship and him allowing it to the extreme. he treated me badly. he didn't act how fathers should, though he is of course human and does make mistakes. he has never said the way he treated me was a mistake though, or apologised. thanks for replying.
    Why did he say he would choose her over you? That sounds vindictive and nasty. He clearly has a lot of issues. He probably just took his frustrations out on you.

    I have a lot of issues with my mum. In my experience, talking about things doesn't get you very far. You'll probably get angry, he'll get defensive and nothing will be resolved. Mum has admitted a few things over the years but then become defensive again.

    You have to make peace with everything yourself. People don't like to admit they are wrong; parents in particular don't like to admit they have made mistakes. Try talking by all means, but be prepared in case it doesn't resolve anything.

    There are plenty of good people out there. If all else fails, distance yourself from your dad as much as you can and find a new "family". Sometimes that's all you can do.


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he will just say i am holding a grudge and i need to forget about it... i would try the letter but i tried that several times when all this was happening but he just screwed it up and said i was pathetic. pathetic for being upset that my dad was treating me like dirt i guess. he is just not very understanding and is EXTREMELY defensive. i don't know if it is his way of dealing with guilt which is buried very deep or he genuinely doesn't give a ****. he has a very sharp tongue.

    Sometimes family are like that, not understanding, but you have to remember this is about you, about you feeling better, even if he does not do or say the things you wish, or to wish the situation was different. All that matters here is for you to stop felling like that and move on. This is more easily said than done, I understand that, but getting it out off your chest, is the first step, that's why I told you about the letter.. and regarding your dad saying you're pathetic, just understand that he is not very emotionally intelligent so he won't be able to understand that he is doing something wrong.
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    Not unless he's talking loads that's the rule.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    just to add - fathers really shouldn't do this to their children. same goes for mothers but i rarely hear of it. there are some who seem to think that as soon as they are teenagers they are basically adults and their duty to them ends. i think research needs to be done into mid life crisis because it's very destructive for children. i don't see why they don't put their children first. it has made me feel like you can't trust anyone.
    I am sorry for you parents shouldn't do this to children ....but they do.

    You are allowing this to ruin your life and tbh neither he nor she is worth it. Don't let this event define your life. You may have to be the adult in the relationship.


    To give you my side of my story.... my husband left me for a woman who targetted him because he had money and she was skint. He married her the moment the divorce came through. This witch destroyed my many years marriage and broke my son's heart. I have been angry about it for the past two years but... i cannot let him and the witch define my life fromnow on. Yes i will be angry for a while but this is my life now and i am going to go out and grab life by the balls! You must do the same. You cannot go through life without battle scars and this is what your dad has done to you scarred you.

    There are many people out there you can trust your dad just isn't one of them
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    why did you marry her so quicky?

    why did you tell me you would choose her over me, when I did not ask you to make a choice?

    did you not care that you made me feel extremely miserable and isolated? did you just not care about me?





    this is about events that happened 10 years ago and I have realised I am still deeply hurt and scarred by them. I feel like the only way to help this process is by talking about it and i don't think me and my dad's relationship will be properly good until then. i am scared this will start more arguments which i dont want i just want to resolve my own brain and feelings.

    Until your relationship is at a level where you can speak to your dad about personal things, then I would avoid. get some counseling and discuss with the counselor whether they feel you are ready.

    If you dad isnt ready or wont listen then Id think it will cause more arguments that there are no hiding from , especially if he is still with her. You may get answers you dont like and that could set you back even further.

    Dont ask unless you are prepared to hear the answers and my suspicion is they could set you back even further. I wouldnt do it till you are ready for them either way. You dont sound like you are and what you want is validation and him to give positive answers, but there is no guarantee and a good chance it will not be what you wnat to hear.
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    Yes, of course you can ask your dad those questions. But don't expect to get the answers you want to hear.

    999tigger is right and as you say, he has already shown that he is defensive and insensitive to your needs. No doubt he will have grievances - no matter how unreasonable - and he will want to make sure you hear those too. Unless you are already secure in your own sense of self and are able to accept anything he might say to you, this is likely to be a painful experience for you.

    But if the aim of asking those questions is simply "to resolve my own brain and feelings", then talking it through with a counsellor would be a good way to do that. That should help you settle your life's story and his part in it. It might be that you will want to complete the process by sending a letter to your dad, but only do that once you are already settled in your heart.
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    why don't you just ask him
    Do you like chocolate?
 
 
 
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