Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

I think she's texting her ex Watch

Announcements
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I think my girlfriend is texting her ex and I want to ask if I can see the texts between her and him, would it be unwise to ask her?
    It's not constant texting, but I see his name pop up on her phone and it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't want to kick up a fuss and ask her to stop texting him as they're friends and it's enough to make me wonder. There's definitely a text I saw about going for food if he wasn't annoyed that he saw me and her together one day.

    As a couple we've had discussions about our future and she's said she could see us together in several years time with the full deal etc. and on a separate occasion she said she live with me after we've been together longer. (We're in our 20s and work) We've booked going to Creamfields together next month so there's future plans there too as well as discussing a holiday together. Lots of her close friends have met me and she's had no problem plastering my face on her snapchat story this weekend when we went to an event together so it's not like she's shying away or trying to avoid me.

    Any advice pls?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    Advice: stop being so insecure. You have no right to see those messages.

    What good is going to come of seeing them? You get reassured it's nothing but she instead thinks you're jealous and controlling.
    Or you find out she is heading towards getting back with him and dumps you anyway.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Trust is very important in a relationship, so trust her until she gives you a reason not to. Don't ask to see the messages, let her be.
    • TSR Support Team
    • Very Important Poster
    • Clearing and Applications Advisor
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    As above, just leave her be with it. Unless there's actual cause for concern, you'd be in the wrong by asking her to show you the messages, and it would, quite rightly, come across as controlling; there's nothing wrong with her being friends with her ex, and she's with you now anyway, not him.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I agree there's nothing wrong with her being friends with him, hence why I'm not going to ask her to stop talking to him. I'm concerned by how much she is texting him and that message about food I saw, it made me a little uncomfortable.
    I think I'm onto a winning relationship with her though, we're weirdly perfect for each other - but I don't want to waste my time if she's getting back with him. I'm the sort of person who will put a lot of effort into a relationship to make the other person happy and feeling wanted.
    • TSR Support Team
    • Very Important Poster
    • Clearing and Applications Advisor
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I agree there's nothing wrong with her being friends with him, hence why I'm not going to ask her to stop talking to him. I'm concerned by how much she is texting him and that message about food I saw, it made me a little uncomfortable.
    I think I'm onto a winning relationship with her though, we're weirdly perfect for each other - but I don't want to waste my time if she's getting back with him. I'm the sort of person who will put a lot of effort into a relationship to make the other person happy and feeling wanted.
    I'm not sure I entirely understand the concern about food; if they're friends, they're bound to want to do stuff together still? I personally would leave her to it for now, and bring it up at a later point if something further happens, or you're still concerned. Don't ask to see her messages with him though, that's not fair - just talk to her about it calmly and rationally, if you really do need reassurance about it!
    • #2
    #2

    I understand your situation because i would feel exactly the same. You cant help but be a bit jealous or uncomfortable because theyre talking to a person that they had feelings for and thats obviously uncomfortable for you. My advice is dont go in full guns blazing like show me the messages now. Take a different approach and maybe tell her what you told us. Just say that it makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, but still reassure her that you do trust her. Then if she likes you back as much as you like her then im sure she will show you the messages to reassure you. But emphasise thats its because she means so much to you because otherwise it might come across that you're controlling and stuff
    • Section Leader
    • Political Ambassador
    • Reporter Team
    Online

    20
    ReputationRep:
    It's true that trust is required to make a relationship a success, but that trust doesn't come from nowhere - it has to be built first, and it's not built very easily when your girlfriend is potentially still seeing her ex. Under the circumstances it's natural to be concerned, and she should understand that. It's not a big deal to ask her about it, but if she gets defensive then I'd take that as a major red flag.

    It's better to be wrong and it turn out to be nothing, than for her to be seeing her ex and you being taken for a ride. Relationships do require trust, but at the same time giving a girl too much trust too quickly is a recipe for disaster in my opinion.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I understand your situation because i would feel exactly the same. You cant help but be a bit jealous or uncomfortable because theyre talking to a person that they had feelings for and thats obviously uncomfortable for you. My advice is dont go in full guns blazing like show me the messages now. Take a different approach and maybe tell her what you told us. Just say that it makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, but still reassure her that you do trust her. Then if she likes you back as much as you like her then im sure she will show you the messages to reassure you. But emphasise thats its because she means so much to you because otherwise it might come across that you're controlling and stuff
    This is exactly, my thoughts. I've seen some things from when they were together and it was clear that it was a serious relationship - they were together for several years. I'll attempt this approach, I hate feeling like I'm insecure about it.

    (Original post by miser)
    It's true that trust is required to make a relationship a success, but that trust doesn't come from nowhere - it has to be built first, and it's not built very easily when your girlfriend is potentially still seeing her ex. Under the circumstances it's natural to be concerned, and she should understand that. It's not a big deal to ask her about it, but if she gets defensive then I'd take that as a major red flag.

    It's better to be wrong and it turn out to be nothing, than for her to be seeing her ex and you being taken for a ride. Relationships do require trust, but at the same time giving a girl too much trust too quickly is a recipe for disaster in my opinion.
    Exactly! We've spoken about her ex before, I was concerned she might not have been over him, and she reassured me that she did not want to be with him, even if he wanted her back she wouldn't want it etc. which at the time made me feel better, but since noticing this texting bout, I wonder whether she was just saying that or if she truly meant it. I trust her that she wouldn't ever cheat, but whether I trust that she would go for food with him or spend time with him and not want to get back with him I don't know.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    I talk to my ex once in a while... wtf is wrong with that?
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Dude... Nothing is going on. Relax. If it was, you'd have more to be suspicious about than a few texts.

    My ex and I were best friends. We spoke every single day, often more than once. Her boyfriend became a close friend of mine, my girlfriend didn't even question it. Half the reason we broke up is because we realised we were better as friends than as a couple. Maybe your girl and her ex found the same thing.

    Don't be jealous, don't be a **** about it, just try and be chill with him. In fact, why not suggest inviting him out for a beer so you can get to know him as a mate, too? If you're mates, he'll be less inclined to make a move, so it's win-win.

    I'll leave you with passing advice paraphrased from Jay-Z:

    "If you're having girl problems I feel bad you you son, but you've got 99 problems: Being a ***** ain't one."
    • Section Leader
    • Political Ambassador
    • Reporter Team
    Online

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Exactly! We've spoken about her ex before, I was concerned she might not have been over him, and she reassured me that she did not want to be with him, even if he wanted her back she wouldn't want it etc. which at the time made me feel better, but since noticing this texting bout, I wonder whether she was just saying that or if she truly meant it. I trust her that she wouldn't ever cheat, but whether I trust that she would go for food with him or spend time with him and not want to get back with him I don't know.
    The problem with what she told you is that she could easily have been saying it as much to herself as she was to you. Humans are generally terrible at predicting their future behaviour or understanding how their feelings will change over time. When she's with you, it's easy for her to think about you and feel the connection she has with you, but if she's with him, it's the reverse. Even if she did mean what she said, more than it being a question of honesty, it's a question of whether her feelings will change over time.

    As for trusting that she won't cheat, it's your call, but cheating is ultimately a result of feelings changing over time. People do what feels right for them in the moment, and sometimes that's cheating. Whatever people say to their friends, to themselves, on TSR, or wherever, that's only their image of themselves. Real humans are complicated and do, and fail to do, a lot of things that they regret all the time. Then we can rationalise almost anything to ourselves to feel better about it afterwards.

    It's impossible to say in this case and I don't know your reasons for trusting her not to cheat. It's up to you to make a decision as to your own boundaries in a relationship. If it were me I would just tell her not to hang out with her ex. Others would probably say that's too controlling. But ultimately it's up to you and the kind of relationship you want.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I don't believe you can just be 'friends' with an ex. But that doesn't mean she is doing anything. Some people find it hard to let go of people so need to keep them in their life in some way. I think honesty is ALWAYS the best policy in relationships. If you are worried or feel insecure, just tell her. You should be able to communicate and have an adult talk about it without it leading to a fight.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Kandiman)
    Dude... Nothing is going on. Relax. If it was, you'd have more to be suspicious about than a few texts.

    My ex and I were best friends. We spoke every single day, often more than once. Her boyfriend became a close friend of mine, my girlfriend didn't even question it. Half the reason we broke up is because we realised we were better as friends than as a couple. Maybe your girl and her ex found the same thing.

    Don't be jealous, don't be a **** about it, just try and be chill with him. In fact, why not suggest inviting him out for a beer so you can get to know him as a mate, too? If you're mates, he'll be less inclined to make a move, so it's win-win.

    I'll leave you with passing advice paraphrased from Jay-Z:

    "If you're having girl problems I feel bad you you son, but you've got 99 problems: Being a ***** ain't one."
    The whole realising they were better as friends than together is apparently a reason they broke up, alongside wanting different things which should ideally be the same after a few years. I just think she was in for the full term with her ex planning their future together and it ended, bound to be some residual memories there.
    I met him once and she introduced us, he turned straight on his heel and waved hi before stomping off, I wasn't adverse to chatting to him though.

    Jay-Z is the man, thank you sir.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by miser)
    The problem with what she told you is that she could easily have been saying it as much to herself as she was to you. Humans are generally terrible at predicting their future behaviour or understanding how their feelings will change over time. When she's with you, it's easy for her to think about you and feel the connection she has with you, but if she's with him, it's the reverse. Even if she did mean what she said, more than it being a question of honesty, it's a question of whether her feelings will change over time.

    As for trusting that she won't cheat, it's your call, but cheating is ultimately a result of feelings changing over time. People do what feels right for them in the moment, and sometimes that's cheating. Whatever people say to their friends, to themselves, on TSR, or wherever, that's only their image of themselves. Real humans are complicated and do, and fail to do, a lot of things that they regret all the time. Then we can rationalise almost anything to ourselves to feel better about it afterwards.

    It's impossible to say in this case and I don't know your reasons for trusting her not to cheat. It's up to you to make a decision as to your own boundaries in a relationship. If it were me I would just tell her not to hang out with her ex. Others would probably say that's too controlling. But ultimately it's up to you and the kind of relationship you want.
    That's it, it's easy to tell me that when I'm in front of her, but whether that's how she actually feels is another matter. It does sound like she put a lot of effort into being with him and he wasn't particularly committed. She also does a lot with me that shows she's really into me, but she's had years with this lad, it's not hard to imagine that given the choice she'd return to familiar territory, despite her telling me how happy I make her.

    I know what you're saying regarding cheating, I've been cheated on before so I'm wary enough, but my perception is her morals are aligned with mine and cheating is an absolute no.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think my girlfriend is texting her ex and I want to ask if I can see the texts between her and him, would it be unwise to ask her?
    It's not constant texting, but I see his name pop up on her phone and it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't want to kick up a fuss and ask her to stop texting him as they're friends and it's enough to make me wonder. There's definitely a text I saw about going for food if he wasn't annoyed that he saw me and her together one day.

    As a couple we've had discussions about our future and she's said she could see us together in several years time with the full deal etc. and on a separate occasion she said she live with me after we've been together longer. (We're in our 20s and work) We've booked going to Creamfields together next month so there's future plans there too as well as discussing a holiday together. Lots of her close friends have met me and she's had no problem plastering my face on her snapchat story this weekend when we went to an event together so it's not like she's shying away or trying to avoid me.

    Any advice pls?
    She's banging him UNDERCOVER.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    You should definitely trust her, as she hasn't given you a reason not to as of yet. However, if it's eating you up I'd definitely talk to her about it. It's probably nothing but I would just be honest and ask her if he's been popping up at all. I wouldn't ask to check her phone, but maybe just talk to her about her friendship with the ex and how sometimes it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable.

    It's good to be honest, then the worry will go away for good! It's probably nothing though, so I wouldn't worry
    • #3
    #3

    I think it's okay that you feel a bit uncomfortable about it cause if I was in your shoes I would to. I think it's natural especially if their relationship was serious. I wouldn't kick up a fuss but if you saw him message her in your presence, I don't think it would be a big deal if you just asked what it was about. If it's nothing bad and just friendly then she would reassure you and not be defensive about it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by blabbi)
    You should definitely trust her, as she hasn't given you a reason not to as of yet. However, if it's eating you up I'd definitely talk to her about it. It's probably nothing but I would just be honest and ask her if he's been popping up at all. I wouldn't ask to check her phone, but maybe just talk to her about her friendship with the ex and how sometimes it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable.

    It's good to be honest, then the worry will go away for good! It's probably nothing though, so I wouldn't worry
    It's not so much constantly eating me up - it's when I notice his name on her phone, or I see a photo on her Facebook of when they were together.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think my girlfriend is texting her ex and I want to ask if I can see the texts between her and him, would it be unwise to ask her?
    It's not constant texting, but I see his name pop up on her phone and it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't want to kick up a fuss and ask her to stop texting him as they're friends and it's enough to make me wonder. There's definitely a text I saw about going for food if he wasn't annoyed that he saw me and her together one day.

    As a couple we've had discussions about our future and she's said she could see us together in several years time with the full deal etc. and on a separate occasion she said she live with me after we've been together longer. (We're in our 20s and work) We've booked going to Creamfields together next month so there's future plans there too as well as discussing a holiday together. Lots of her close friends have met me and she's had no problem plastering my face on her snapchat story this weekend when we went to an event together so it's not like she's shying away or trying to avoid me.

    Any advice pls?
    Improve yourself.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 27, 2017
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Break up or unrequited love?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.