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My son's father died 10 years ago tomorrow. AMA. Watch

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    (Original post by markova21)
    No. I knew he was an alcoholic. But he was my first serious relationship and I didn't really understand what alcoholism meant. He had been sober for a good while when I first met him. We started off as pen friends. The first time he hit me I was four months pregnant. I left him and moved back in with my mum in England. Then foolishly went back to him after my mum died. He convinced me we should all be together as a family and that our son needed his father around etc.
    How old are you?
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    (Original post by Nirvana1989-1994)
    Hi Markova21, I'm good thanks.

    I'm glad you're okay.

    Aww, what happened? and what is he doing instead?

    That's nice.
    Well he had a really unhappy time during his last year at college. ALL his friends left after the first year [ HNC] and he wanted to as well. But i was like, what good or use to you is a HNC? You may as well stay in college for another year and get the full HND. In the second year, not one person left on the course spoke to him. He spent the entire year sitting on his own, except for group work. They were all really nasty to him [ all girls] and would laugh and snigger about him behind his back but so he could hear. He couldn't wait to leave. He became depressed and behind with his work, that he still hasn't finished. The college have given him until the middle of August to hand it all in. But he now won't be allowed to graduate with his HND this year and will have to wait until next September to get his qualification. Because of what happened, he really doesn't want to go to Uni directly into year two when everyone else has already build up their friendship groups the year before. He said he'd rather pay to start all over again in the first year himself, an start at the same time as everyone else than potentially go through a similar experience at Uni and miles away from home too.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    How old are you?
    I'm an old fart of 49 !! I use this website to gather information for my son. Plus, I like helping people on here when I'm able to. Makes me feel useful !!
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    (Original post by markova21)
    Well he had a really unhappy time during his last year at college. ALL his friends left after the first year [ HNC] and he wanted to as well. But i was like, what good or use to you is a HNC? You may as well stay in college for another year and get the full HND. In the second year, not one person left on the course spoke to him. He spent the entire year sitting on his own, except for group work. They were all really nasty to him [ all girls] and would laugh and snigger about him behind his back but so he could hear. He couldn't wait to leave. He became depressed and behind with his work, that he still hasn't finished. The college have given him until the middle of August to hand it all in. But he now won't be allowed to graduate with his HND this year and will have to wait until next September to get his qualification. Because of what happened, he really doesn't want to go to Uni directly into year two when everyone else has already build up their friendship groups the year before. He said he'd rather pay to start all over again in the first year himself, an start at the same time as everyone else than potentially go through a similar experience at Uni and miles away from home too.
    Aww, thats's awful. I'm sorry that that happened to him.
    But it's good that he has such a supportive parent, and is determined to do well. it will definitely help.

    Was anything done about the bullying?
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    (Original post by Nirvana1989-1994)
    Aww, thats's awful. I'm sorry that that happened to him.
    But it's good that he has such a supportive parent, and is determined to do well. it will definitely help.

    Was anything done about the bullying?
    I don't think it was actually bullying. They just ignored him completely.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    I don't think it was actually bullying. They just ignored him completely.
    Ah okay.

    Out of interest, what was he planning to study at uni?
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    I asked people on here today if anyone has gone to Uni directly into the second year and if so how they found it. People replied and all said their experiences were not good ones. They all said everyone else had already made their friendship groups the previous year and didn't want a newcomer intruding. It doesn't sound nice at all and I know I wouldn't like it. So it would be even worse for a shy, very sensitive 20 year old lad. I've been trying to persuade him to go down the OU route, but he's having none of it. He said he DOES want the whole Uni student experience, but wants to start all over again on say the Early Childhood Studies course back in the first year. But he has already used up 2 years of his Higher Education funding on this wretched HND which is only worth 120 credits instead of the usual 240. He has signed on the dole and wants to find a job and try and save up enough money to fund the firs year of uni and accommodation himself. Which could take years.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    I'm an old fart of 49 !! I use this website to gather information for my son. Plus, I like helping people on here when I'm able to. Makes me feel useful !!
    Lol you granny.
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    (Original post by Nirvana1989-1994)
    Ah okay.

    Out of interest, what was he planning to study at uni?
    It was nothing fancy; only Social Care. He studied the BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma in Health and Social Care and really enjoyed it. Got the second highest grade his college awarded, which was DDM. He didn't want to go to uni at that point so I suggested he stay on at his college and do the HND in it. The first year he enjoyed, although by then, three years in he was starting to get a bit fed up of it. Then when all is friends left after the HNC to do Nursing degrees he wanted to quit too. But had no idea what he was going to do. I kind of nagged him into going into the second year, and I feel really bad for that now. He had a c rap time and has wasted 2 precious years of his Higher Education funding. Because he hasn't even handed in some of his work yet the highest grade he will get is a Pass. Man Met wanted HND Pass, which was fine. BUt their course is changing next year and is slightly different. What do you want a bet they increase their entry requirements for HND students to a Merit? Then he'll never be able to go. We were at the Man Met Open Day and he really enjoyed it and liked everything about the Uni. But he found the Social Care subject talk dead boring. But even though I've said to him it will just be two years out of your life, and if people there choose to ignore you then f uck them frankly. You are there for yourself and your own future and if it's boring just get on with it, and other people don't matter if they ignore you. But clearly it DOES matter, and I know this too. He has over 300 hours work placement experience in a primary school plus over 120 more hours work experience working with alcoholics and 3 and 4 year olds in a Nursery. He absolutely loved every minute of every day in the school and would love to be a primary school teacher. For which he will need to complete his Social Care qualification to a full Honours degree and then try and get onto a PGCE. But he wants to start at uni in year one on maybe Early Childhood Studies. We have no money to pay £9,250 fees and £5,000accommodation plus money to live on to fund the first year. It's completely impossible.He thinks he can get a job and save up this amount of money himself. It would take years, frankly.
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    (Original post by rftgybu)
    Lol you granny.
    I know, tell me about it ! I'll be 50 in November.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    I know, tell me about it ! I'll be 50 in November.
    Don't worry 50 is the new 30.
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    (Original post by rftgybu)
    Don't worry 50 is the new 30.
    Can't rep, but nice one !
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    (Original post by markova21)
    This was how he was all the time when he was sober. But he couldn't stay sober and every six months, like clockwork he went back on the drink. Then the violence, aggression etc would start. He slapped our son really hard across the face one day simply because our son couldn't remember a certain piano note he had been taught the week before. He had only ever been to three piano lessons and was only eight years old. B astard. How I didn't stick a knife in him that day I don't know. So as you can see he was a real Jeckyll and Hyde.
    My dad was an alcoholic and he was never really there for us. It sounds cruel, but it's probably better that your son grew up without him. It must be difficult for you at times


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    Oh , can I just say if people are reading this. Whenever his dad went back on the drink if his family or me hadn't heard from him for a few days we would become worried. I had a spare key to his house to let myself in and check he was alright. I don't drive, so we would go down in a taxi. I would ALWAYS insist that my son wait behind in the taxi for me while I went to check on his father. I never knew what I was going to walk into [ i.e. finding him dead]. So my son always had to wait, although I never told him why. That day no-one had heard from him. I was takingour son swimming and his mother was worried about him as she hadn't heard from him either. So I told my son to wait in thr taxi while I let myself into his dad's place. I saw him lying face down on the bed. But that was how he slept; especially fully clothed and on top of the bed if he had been drinking. I saw him lying there and though he was asleep. I actually started giving off to him. " Will you bloody well delete the messages in your answer machine so we can leave you new ones and contact you?" [ He always did this. But this time he didn't answer or move. I went nearer and he looked strange. I touched his upper arm and it was rock hard. I then touched his hand and it was ice cold. That's when I knew he was dead. I phoned 999 and asked for the police and an ambulance. The woman on the phone, bless her. "Would you like to go back into th bedroom and feel for a pulse"? I told her straight he was beyond feeling for a pulse and I had no intention of going back in that room.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    It was nothing fancy; only Social Care. He studied the BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma in Health and Social Care and really enjoyed it. Got the second highest grade his college awarded, which was DDM. He didn't want to go to uni at that point so I suggested he stay on at his college and do the HND in it. The first year he enjoyed, although by then, three years in he was starting to get a bit fed up of it. Then when all is friends left after the HNC to do Nursing degrees he wanted to quit too. But had no idea what he was going to do. I kind of nagged him into going into the second year, and I feel really bad for that now. He had a c rap time and has wasted 2 precious years of his Higher Education funding. Because he hasn't even handed in some of his work yet the highest grade he will get is a Pass. Man Met wanted HND Pass, which was fine. BUt their course is changing next year and is slightly different. What do you want a bet they increase their entry requirements for HND students to a Merit? Then he'll never be able to go. We were at the Man Met Open Day and he really enjoyed it and liked everything about the Uni. But he found the Social Care subject talk dead boring. But even though I've said to him it will just be two years out of your life, and if people there choose to ignore you then f uck them frankly. You are there for yourself and your own future and if it's boring just get on with it, and other people don't matter if they ignore you. But clearly it DOES matter, and I know this too. He has over 300 hours work placement experience in a primary school plus over 120 more hours work experience working with alcoholics and 3 and 4 year olds in a Nursery. He absolutely loved every minute of every day in the school and would love to be a primary school teacher. For which he will need to complete his Social Care qualification to a full Honours degree and then try and get onto a PGCE. But he wants to start at uni in year one on maybe Early Childhood Studies. We have no money to pay £9,250 fees and £5,000accommodation plus money to live on to fund the first year. It's completely impossible.He thinks he can get a job and save up this amount of money himself. It would take years, frankly.
    That's an interesting choice. I'm sure he'll be successful. I've recently also wanted to get into teaching too.

    I hope that the entry grades stay they same, I'm sure they will.

    Also, can I ask, why won't he get the student finance loan for the course? Sorry if it's a dumb question. I did BTEC Extended Diploma in Applied Science.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    x
    Does life get any better after the loss?
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    (Original post by YaliaV)
    My dad was an alcoholic and he was never really there for us. It sounds cruel, but it's probably better that your son grew up without him. It must be difficult for you at times


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    Hi Yalia. So sorry to hear that. I hate alcohol. I've been a lifelong teetotaller anyway, but i actually think alcohol is evil. Yes, my son was probably better off without seeing and experiencing all that. And to be honest, I think his father was actually better off out of it as well. His mother three days earlier threw him out of her house as he was drinking. She told him he had been nothing but trouble his whole life and she didn't want to ever see him step foot inside her door again. She said she will come and visit him at his home a few times a year. I could see in his face how upset he was. In the car, waiting for out son to come back from the toilet, he said to me, "I'm going home to hang myself". He lived for visiting his old area where he grew up [ the other side of Ireland to where we lived]. I think that just finished him off and he decided to throw in the towel.
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    (Original post by markova21)
    Hi Yalia. So sorry to hear that. I hate alcohol. I've been a lifelong teetotaller anyway, but i actually think alcohol is evil. Yes, my son was probably better off without seeing and experiencing all that. And to be honest, I think his father was actually better off out of it as well. His mother three days earlier threw him out of her house as he was drinking. She told him he had been nothing but trouble his whole life and she didn't want to ever see him step foot inside her door again. She said she will come and visit him at his home a few times a year. I could see in his face how upset he was. In the car, waiting for out son to come back from the toilet, he said to me, "I'm going home to hang myself". He lived for visiting his old area where he grew up [ the other side of Ireland to where we lived]. I think that just finished him off and he decided to throw in the towel.
    Thanks Yes, I'm sure it was a relief for him as well. My dad wasn't a bad man, just a very flawed one. I'm sure it was the same with your ex. Does your son feel any anger or bitterness towards his dad?


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    I saw your TSR profile a few days ago and I can't believe you were a dancer at the Moulin Rouge!!!!!!!! :eek: That's such an amazing accomplishment!! I'm obsessed with old school cabaret aesthetics.

    Was dancing the only career you pursued? When/ why did you give it up?

    P.S I'm sorry you to hear about what happened to your son's dad. :console:
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    (Original post by YaliaV)
    Thanks Yes, I'm sure it was a relief for him as well. My dad wasn't a bad man, just a very flawed one. I'm sure it was the same with your ex. Does your son feel any anger or bitterness towards his dad?


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    I don't think so, no. For years after I drummed into him to not drink alcohol as it ruined his father's life, etc. I inadvertently put the fear of God into him !! But his friends were beginning to drink and he felt left out a bit. I know for a fact they all actually persuaded him just a few year ago not to worry and a few drinks were not going to turn him into a raging alcoholic, just because his father had been. The really ironic thing is his father was born and brought up in a pub !! His parents bought it a few years before they were all born [ one of 7 children]. His father was an alcoholic too. Like me, his 91 year old mother [ must ring her tomorrow, that reminds me] never ever drank and thinks it's evil, like I do. There's a memorial service for him on Friday. My son is travelling down the previous day and will hopefully have a nice time with all his dad's relatives. They're such nice people. I can't go anywhere near Mayo. There are too many memories of his father everywhere. Even though it's now been 10 years it's just too painful. Plus my Social Phobia doesn't exactly help.
 
 
 
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