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s he going of me or am I just insecure watch

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    • Thread Starter

    I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. He is very straight acting and out to know one, he doesn't want anyone finding out anytime soon if ever. People can guess I'm gay but I'm out to very few mainly due to family and not ready yet.
    When we got together his type was twinky white guys (so basically me) my type is him all over, he is half cast, very very good looking, tall, straight acting and his personality is perfect. First few months he wanted me all the time, was always getting me to send him things on snapchat and generally made me feel the most attractive person in the world.
    Going to be honest we have had a lot of big shakes for the short time we been together but I still love him loads and want to be with him forever, he says the same. The difference is he used to say it loads go in to detail etc and he always told me I can do better, the same I still say to him now.
    We see each other about twice a week and most the time when we are together it's perfect. When we are apart he has changed, he never wants me to send him pics etc anymore and doesn't say the nice things that he used to. He says lots of nice things and tells me he loves me but I just find it hard to believe as the way he says it isn't like it used to be. Whenever I say to him now I think he can do better he replies 'well everyone could do better or worse' where as before he would argue that it is me that can do better.
    Talking the other day he reluctantly told me that now when he watches porn he is into watching black hardcore porn (beforehand couldn't have been less turned on by this) and he said this change has happened fairly recently. He told me that if he was to bottom he would want it done rough by a 'bad boy', basically this new type couldn't be further from what I am.
    Whenever I tell him I'm feeling insecure etc he just gets annoyed whereas before he would make me feel loved and reassure me I'm being stupid.
    Last week we went out and I was convinced I saw him looking at serval other people, I was drunk and this annoyed me a lot. A guy who I couldn't find less attractive (small twinky camp) approached me and bcus I was drunk and annoyed I tried to see how he would react, the guy asked me to follow him somewhere quiet which I told my bf, expected him to be like wtf but he said go on then so I did out of spite (chilidis games which I regret). He didn't seem bothered when I got back a minute later (obvs nothing happened between me and this guy apart from we exchanged snaps, I didn't like him at all), the next morning I started an arguement about me thinking he was looking at other people (which he denies and which he probably wasn't but if he was I overreacted anyway). I left on bad terms. The guy from the night before messaged me and we spoke for a little bit, an hour max of me sending short replies before I blocked him buds I had no interest,(bcus I was annoyed at my bf is the only reason I replied at all) I ended up following the guys insta (kinda hoping my bf would see [i was still drunk and annoyed and now realise how childish this was]). I blocked the guy bcus I wasn't insterested and was speaking to my bf again, I forgot about the insta.
    That night my bf text me going mad, telling me he saw the insta and was annoyed and eventually broke up. The next day I was talking to him but he was still very annoyed and was adiment we were finished. By the end of that day and a lot of explaining/apologising from me we got back together and he stayed with me that night. He told me he was exaggerating we were never gonna see each other again because he was annoyed but he never intended to break up. The next day was when he told me about how he was now into new type of porn.
    Is he going off me and that's why he has been acting different etc or am I insecure. As soon as he told me about the change if his type in my head things have clicked together and I'm convinced that he has gone off me. But if so why did he get so annoyed about the other guy and get back with me. If I had known about the change in type before we very temporarily break up I would have accepted the break up but I was refusing to let us end over a stupid childish game I was playing.
    I'm quite insecure anyway and have always felt that my bf is far too good for me and better then I deserve. He used to feel the same (he still might but not tell me?) I just feel like I embaress him and that he has realise he can do better with his new type. Sometimes I think he is only with me bcus he is a nice guy and wouldn't wanna hurt me but whenever I say this to him he replies as if he is annoyed 'if I didn't want to be with you then I wouldn't' but says nothing else to make me feel like this is true.
    Any advice would be great, I don't wanna annoy him by mentioning it again but then I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I love him loads but feel I'm being selfish and holding him back and that he doesn't want me anymore.

    He summed it up with 'if I didn't want to be with you then I wouldn't' - what more could you want him to say. That's literally the truth of it; if he didn't want to be with you, why would he stick around? Because he evidently does..

    Also, because you're in a relationship that doesn't mean you can't find other people attractive to look at - this doesn't take anything from the fact that he still finds you good looking.

    And what's with the self-deprecation? Telling him he could do better? Tell him enough he may just start to believe it. On top of this, and it's good you regret it, but playing games like that in the club is a pathway into a toxic relationship for sure; I've seen so many couples do it and it's cringey as hell.

    Remember that if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't - keep telling yourself that until you recognise it as the truth (what it is, basically).
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