open relationships

hey my girlfriend just started a month ago a nottingham trent and i see her once every week, weve been going out for over 11 months and every thing was fine till she started uni and now she cancels plans with me so she can go out with her new friends and we had a fight bout it and now she said she wanted a open relationship saying she wants to get more experience and she thinks while shes at uni is the time to do it, i didnt want too but through fear of loosing her i agreed and that was last wednesday and shes already got off with two boys. she says she loves but it hurts knowing she with other boys and my question is weither this is gonna work or should i end it now? thanks

Reply 1

Gimothy

11

It's a two-way street, my friend. Go forth and enjoy.

Reply 2

luke344

OP

yea maybe i should but i dunno i love her and dont really want anyone else but she dont seem to think that

Reply 3

mollymustard

14

Unless you feel happy with sharing your girlfriend, I would end it.
Open relationships are often the cause of alot of hurt feelings and usually result in someone getting used.
If your girlfriend is asking this much of you, she clearly doesnt have much respect for you or your relationship.

Get out before you get hurt!
Find someone who appreciates you!
Long distance is hard work but she is just taking liberties.
There must be someone better for you.

Reply 4

TimeLady

11

Brutal truth? Open Relationships barely ever work. They are an excuse to break up, IMO. Dont drag out the process, ask her straight if she wants a relationship with you, or not. She cant have it all ways.

Reply 5

Nissay

err no. it's obvious she wants to enjoy her uni.. 'experience' as much as possible, a relationship probably isn't too high up her priority list. it's up to you really. would you go around getting off with girls and enjoy it the way she does? or are you going to stay in this relationship watching your gf shag other boys and stay absolutely miserable?

if you're not going to enjoy the 'benefits' of an open relationship while she does, you're going to end up being insanely jealous and protective of her, which would piss her off and end up in things going badly.

Reply 6

luke344

OP

you guys are right i think i should have i talk with her thanks guys

Reply 7

LadyEnglish

2

An 'Open Relationship' is just one step away from a break up. She's obviously not ready for commitment so personally I'd end it now, let the both of you get on with your lives for a bit and stay friends and if after a few years you still think you can make a go of a relationship then go forth and enjoy :p:

But for now, me thinks it's time for a break

Reply 8

luke344

OP

before me she was shy and no one fancied her and now ive helped her out her shell theres these two boy that like her one lives in her dorm and i wondering if it s just going to her head as she never had many people after her or weither she truly doesnt wanna be just with me thanks again guys

Reply 9

Creole

2

Get out man. That would seriously screw me up knowing my girlfriend was constantly on the pull. You obviously have differing levels of feeling between you, and I think it's cruel for her to lead you on by having you as a back-up.

It may of course be different if you want some 'experience' as she puts it, but if you only have feelings for her at the moment, you're gonna get hurt.

Reply 10

Schmokie Dragon

17

luke344

hey my girlfriend just started a month ago a nottingham trent and i see her once every week, weve been going out for over 11 months and every thing was fine till she started uni and now she cancels plans with me so she can go out with her new friends and we had a fight bout it and now she said she wanted a open relationship saying she wants to get more experience and she thinks while shes at uni is the time to do it, i didnt want too but through fear of loosing her i agreed and that was last wednesday and shes already got off with two boys. she says she loves but it hurts knowing she with other boys and my question is weither this is gonna work or should i end it now? thanks

You either come to a compromise that you are both happy with, or you move on.

Her wanting to gather "experience" does not mean she doesn't love you, but she seems to be disregarding your views on the matter. You need to tell her that you are not happy with it, and need her to be exclusive to you. This is the problem with relationships - it is rare to find two people who need the same thing, and in order to make one person happy, the other has to compromise, and visa versa. I understand why she wants to see other guys, and I understand the pressure she is under, but she also needs to think about how your relationship is going to function. You can either be exclusive, and have her unhappy and risk losing her, or you can have an open relationship, have you unhappy and her risk losing you. It's not an easy decision to make.

However, I can tell you something very important:

Relationships in the real world are not like fairytales. People can love more than one person, people can want to have sexual gratification with multiple people while being emotionally faithful to one person, and people can be happy in open relationships. Love is not just about two people, and only the naive think it should be. However, you don't have to accept her the way she is. You are under no obligation to accept anyone. You are your own person, and need to find something that makes you happy.

Reply 11

zDjM

It doesn't look like being good for you. true is she decided to become a slut but she still wants someone to hug in bad times. You are a man and you set the rules. She broke them.

Reply 12

luke344

OP

yea some one has said to me that she just wants me their as back up the thing is she was so nice and kind and uni has seem to change her abit she had a sheltered up bringing and i dunno weither its cus she has had her eyes opened

Reply 13

letsbespecific

As it's clear you both don't want the same things. It's best to save face now and dump her.

Reply 14

Sweyn Forkbeard

19

To be honest it sounds like a load of *******s to me, but then I'm currently being hurt by a similar experience (though on a much lesser scale of magnitude). I can imagine how you must be feeling.

You've been going out for 11 months, which feels like a long time but it's all relative. My personal recommendation would be to get rid, though I know that it will be difficult with feelings involved. If you're not attracted to the idea of having an open relationship then tell her that she can't have her cake and eat it, and either give her an ultimatum (not recommended), or simply break up with her.

Edit: Also, beware girls with heavily sheltered upbringings when they come to uni! From almost all of the cases which I've observed, they seem to swing completely in the opposite direction.

Reply 15

emerley

14

sounds to me like she wants the freedom of being "single" when she goes out, but the reassurance of having a boyfriend who will be there for her at the end of it all

ive never been in that situation, but if youre not happy with it then end it - if she wants other experience that much then im not sure how much she does love you.. thats just my opinion though

Reply 16

-steph-

2

Ok, thats not good cause my bf suggested that I have one cause I told him that one of my friends likes me. He at home- jamaica and im in england on my gap year. Hmmm we need to talk about that. For me open relationships would get too difficult cause I would get confused with my physical needs than emotional plus I've gone 2 months without him, I can go 1 month more. I personally wouldn't do them cause your heart with turn.

Reply 17

luke344

OP

some one said that thing about cake to me earlier but i spose if i give her the ulitmatum and she dont like it she will finish with me its hard letting go when you have been with some one so long sorry to hear that your going through the same sorta thing mate hope you get through it

Reply 18

Sweyn Forkbeard

19

luke344

some one said that thing about cake to me earlier but i spose if i give her the ulitmatum and she dont like it she will finish with me its hard letting go when you have been with some one so long sorry to hear that your going through the same sorta thing mate hope you get through it

I know exactly what you mean. Perhaps people only see hope for their own relationships when they end up in situations like this.

The ultimatum idea was basically so that she would initiate the break, eliminating any guilt on your part. Remember that you are the injured party here, unless there are other reasons behind your situation.

Reply 19

luke344

OP

i dunno i feel like its my fault in a way like im asking to see her to much but once a week isnt that much to ask for is it? we did get in to a fight about when i was there all we did was sit in the common room with her friends not actually spend quality time together

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