Hi, was not sure what forum to put this in...
Just lately I've been feeling really depressed.
I am currently a first year at uni, on a Psychology degree, and am loving the experience, and loooving the city.
But many things have been bothering me lately.
Mainly people problems I guess.
From being at uni I have learnt that I don't have many people skills - I am really shy, but nobody understands. I don't necessarily come across as shy though, I just talk nonesense to get through it, and many people look down at me for this. I just can't help it though.
I don't have many close friends at uni... I have friends, my block, and see them very frequently. But I don't have a 'best friend', and I think my flatmates just see me as a friend that is a good friend but certainly not one of their best. Nobody has added me to their top friends on facebook for example, but have added everyone else - even though I get on well with them and see them every day!
The only 'best friend' I have at uni is a guy on my course, who does not live in halls with me anyway. He's in other halls, about 3-4 miles away. So it's just not the same.
As for girls, I do not have a single 'close' female friend. I have lots of friends that are girls at uni.... but none of them are particulaly close to me. I could really do with a close female friend at uni, but unfortunately, don't have any.
I am 22 years old and have only just started uni too, so am being looked down on/made fun of for this. I am totally embarassed about telling people my age. I am also really embarassed about telling people my parent's age.... my mum is 49, whilst my dad is 82.... yeah that's right, 82. It's really unusual and I have always felt embarassed about this. My flatmates occasionally make fun too.
As for my sex-life, I don't know the first thing about sex. I am not a virgin, but that is a different story. I was 18 and a half when I lost my virginity, and lost it to a 24-year old mother of two. I didn't even like her in that way. I was forced into it. And I feel that I have wasted my first time. (My first kiss was even worse, my drunken friend dared me to kiss his mentally disabled girlfriend, and I did). I wish I could change the past, but I can't! But anyway, back to sex - all I know is, I know nothing about sex. I didn't even enjoy the sex I had in the past anyway. Just to clarify, I am straight (I think). I know I'm not gay, as male sex disgusts me. But I've thought lately..... ALL sex disgusts me. The only reason that I know I am straight, and not gay, is because I find women sexually attractive, whereas I don't men.... the only problem is, actual sex itself DOES NOT turn me on.... the things that turn me on are just the female body in general, particularly the ass, I hope you people don't mind me saying this on a public forum by the way.... if you do then I apologise.
I feel I have little in common with most people. My favourite band is U2, a band everybody hates. My favourite films are the James Bond films, films which my flatmates mostly hate. And my favourite TV show is Red Dwarf, which my flamates also don't like...
Another problem is that my cooking skills are extremely limited. I just don't know how to cook to save my life. I am in catred halls, which do breakfast, and tea. For lunch time (inbetween), I either eat out, eat junk, or do myself toast, or crackers and cheese, or something like that. I have my own fridge in my room, and toaster, so I do myself something to eat in my room, rather than the kitchen. I would be WAY too embarassed to try and cook myself something in the kitchen because there are always people there. And even if there was no-one there, there could be people turning up any minute after. I would get embarassed, and it would effect how I carry out the task. This is how I have always been.
I have been dismissed from almost every part-time job I have ever had because of the lack of these life skills. I just cannot help it. I really, really try. I have had FAR too many temporary part-time jobs for my age, and this just looks bad on my CV. Also, it makes it much, much harder to remember what dates I started and finished each job.
I also keep worrying about my GCSE results. I have finally learnt that my GCSE grades were crap.
They were:
B - Drama
C - English
C - English Lit
C - Food Tech
C - Maths (Used to be D, but I re-took it)
DD-Science
D - Geog
D - History
E - German
A couple of years later I took some extra GCSE's (as well as resitting maths, to take it from a D to a C). My extra GCSE grades were:
A* - Sociology
A - Psychology
B - Law
B - Citizenship Studies (Short Course)
(Also, that C in Maths)
My college didn't offer much. I really wanted to do GCSE Music (I play the guitar), but my college didn't offer it, so now I am upset about this because I am 22 and don't have a GCSE in Music. Similar for Science - I really want to re-sit the double award, but it's just too late now.... if people found out I was resitting science at 22 they would laugh and make fun of me like mad. My flatmates make fun of me all the time as it is...
So on a whole, my GCSE's were, let's face it, rubbish. Only 1 A* (In a subject that is considered micky mouse), and 1 A (in another subject considered to be micky mouse).... and I did these at a later age as well...
Now, my A-Levels on the other hand, which I did at a later age, were actually really good... I got:
A - Psychology
A - Sociology
B - Media Studies
But the sad thing is, all three of these subjects are considered 'micky mouse subjects'. I never feel embarassed about telling people my a-level results, but I always feel embarassed when telling them the subjects... I just wish I took something else instead of media. I just wish I took Music, but I never did a GCSE in it, plus my college never offered GCSE OR A-level music. I wish I did a Science too, as they are very respectable... but I got DD in GCSE Science... I wish that, instead of doing Psychology, Sociology, and Media, I wish I did Psychology, Sociology, Music, and Biology - that would sound FAR more academic, and even though Psych and Soc are kind of micky mouse subjects, I enjoy them, plus I would have Music and Biology as my more academic, non-micky mouse subjects, to make up for it. Just listen to me rambling on...
I failed the advanced extention award in Psychology however, which made me feel really crap. I got an A on the A-Level, but then all that is ruined when I fail the advanced extention award. I guess it doesn't matter because I have an A on the A-Level, but failing the AEA after makes it LOOK bad. On my Uni registration sheet, to make things worse, the first qualification that came up was the U grade for the advanced extention! Argh! Guess I'll just have to keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, because I got an A on the A-Level anyway...
I am now on a Psychology degree, which to be honest, I am finding much more difficult than the a-level. I cannot motivate myself, and am not enjoying the course that much really. Some parts are ok and interesting... but other parts are awful. And there is far too much Maths and Biology, which I find difficult... I really enjoyed the Psychology A-Level, but this degree is disappointing... My flatmates see Psychology as a soft subject, and it really annoys me.
On top of this, I have NO IDEA what I want to do as a career. I never have.
The only things that have gone well for me at uni so far is that I have had the opportunity to play live. I am a guitarist/songwriter. I write my own songs. I REALLY cannot sing though. I mean, I hit the notes well. But my voice in general is just AWFUL. I really cannot help this. I cannot help what my voice is. On myspace, in forums, I have had so much harsh criticism about it, when other artists haven't had half as much. I have also had so much crap off of my friends at home about it (surprisingly, my uni friends are more encouraging about it). People like my guitar playing, and songs, but hate my voice.... having said this though, me playing live has gone down well so far, but it is only an open mic night at a tequila bar... about 5/10 minutes a slot each time... most people are getting drinks anyway, so probably aren't paying that much attention.
To summarise all this crap I have written, I just feel that I have nothing going for me. What do people advise me to do about my situation(s)? Sorry about all this moaning by the way, I just need to let it all out...