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Boyfriends Lack of Organisation
Anon as boyfriend uses forum.
(Also sorry about the simple sentences - it was more for me - I kept on getting lost!)
Just simple explanation of the situation:
I'm at uni. My boyfriend WAS at uni but has now quit. We both come from same home town. Been going out 2 years. See each other almost every weekend.
Before:
Saw my boyfriend last weekend, says he can't see me this weekend because he has an army thing. I tell him I can see him next wednesday - to which he agrees- he's meant to be doing an army thing, but as he's quit uni he shouldnt really be doing that either. We WERE going to go to an army Christmas Ball next weekend (cancelled because he quit uni - and SHOULD have quit the army officer thing) but as he quit we were going to go home and see each other.
Happy me
After:
Spoke to my boyfriend on the phone. He's going on this army thing this weekend still. However, I didnt think that he was going to the army thing on wednesday but now he IS. He CANT see me wednesday as has to travel to uni. He CAN see me thursday but only after he manages to actually wake up and get a train here (which was at half 2 last time). He CAN see me friday morning - but being the least organised person EVER he's arranged a night out with all his mates at uni. So he has to leave my uni, go back HOME and then on to uni (about a 5 hour drive in total - without stopping to pick up friends). This also means he can't see my Saturday until he wakes up, and sobers up and then drives 3/4 hours up the road to see me. Was meant to take me out for anniversary (just a month one but we havent been out on a "date" in ages) but probably won't want to now that he's going out the night before.
To top it all off he's constantly complaining about money - how much is he going to be spending on petrol here?! I told him to stuff coming to see me, and stay at uni until saturday - but no - he's got to go back home anyway to pick up his friends.
Angry me
(Also sorry about the simple sentences - it was more for me - I kept on getting lost!)
Just simple explanation of the situation:
I'm at uni. My boyfriend WAS at uni but has now quit. We both come from same home town. Been going out 2 years. See each other almost every weekend.
Before:
Saw my boyfriend last weekend, says he can't see me this weekend because he has an army thing. I tell him I can see him next wednesday - to which he agrees- he's meant to be doing an army thing, but as he's quit uni he shouldnt really be doing that either. We WERE going to go to an army Christmas Ball next weekend (cancelled because he quit uni - and SHOULD have quit the army officer thing) but as he quit we were going to go home and see each other.
Happy me
After:
Spoke to my boyfriend on the phone. He's going on this army thing this weekend still. However, I didnt think that he was going to the army thing on wednesday but now he IS. He CANT see me wednesday as has to travel to uni. He CAN see me thursday but only after he manages to actually wake up and get a train here (which was at half 2 last time). He CAN see me friday morning - but being the least organised person EVER he's arranged a night out with all his mates at uni. So he has to leave my uni, go back HOME and then on to uni (about a 5 hour drive in total - without stopping to pick up friends). This also means he can't see my Saturday until he wakes up, and sobers up and then drives 3/4 hours up the road to see me. Was meant to take me out for anniversary (just a month one but we havent been out on a "date" in ages) but probably won't want to now that he's going out the night before.
To top it all off he's constantly complaining about money - how much is he going to be spending on petrol here?! I told him to stuff coming to see me, and stay at uni until saturday - but no - he's got to go back home anyway to pick up his friends.
Angry me
Reply 1
17
Err I think from all that detail it's not going to matter that you're anonymous lol, I can't believe there will be many people in exactly that situation at the moment 
Answer to the question though: deal with it, if you don't like it, then talk to him about it and ask if there's something up. Oh yeah and don't do that annoying thing that girls always do and just go "What's up?" over and over again
, if there's something on your mind then actually say "Why aren't you more organised about coming to see me? I'm a bit unhappy about that you know".
Just be straight with him, and you'll get your answer.
Oh and I think he can complain about money all he likes if he's driving back and forth. What effort are you making to see him?
Answer to the question though: deal with it, if you don't like it, then talk to him about it and ask if there's something up. Oh yeah and don't do that annoying thing that girls always do and just go "What's up?" over and over again
, if there's something on your mind then actually say "Why aren't you more organised about coming to see me? I'm a bit unhappy about that you know".Just be straight with him, and you'll get your answer.
Oh and I think he can complain about money all he likes if he's driving back and forth. What effort are you making to see him?
Reply 2
Well, to begin with - this guy sounds a hell of a lot like me (though I'm not the army type) and I totally understand your frustration.
Are you the opposite of him, i.e. an organised person who makes definite plans?
If you are then I further understand your frustration. My own (ex) gf was a lot like you and had the same problems with me.
He sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants to do with his life, to be honest, and that's never a good thing for someone's focus. He seems like he's unfocused and this is making him a) forget his engagements, b) change his mind a lot.
I would tell him that you're not happy with him, but you're also concerned for him; he needs to figure out what he wants out of life so he can get some focus and lay out his priorities and make some sense of them. Tell him he has to get a (part-time) job - it will sink in eventually that in order to have money he needs to have a job, however onerous that might seem. Also, say you'd appreciate it if he planned his week around certain things, such as his work (if/when he has any), his army stuff, and seeing you, which should be high on his list of priorities. Obviously you don't necessarily need to plan everything to be organised, but it helps if you have a few key things to put in your schedule regularly.
*Waits for Jennybean to post on this subject
Are you the opposite of him, i.e. an organised person who makes definite plans?
If you are then I further understand your frustration. My own (ex) gf was a lot like you and had the same problems with me.
He sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants to do with his life, to be honest, and that's never a good thing for someone's focus. He seems like he's unfocused and this is making him a) forget his engagements, b) change his mind a lot.
I would tell him that you're not happy with him, but you're also concerned for him; he needs to figure out what he wants out of life so he can get some focus and lay out his priorities and make some sense of them. Tell him he has to get a (part-time) job - it will sink in eventually that in order to have money he needs to have a job, however onerous that might seem. Also, say you'd appreciate it if he planned his week around certain things, such as his work (if/when he has any), his army stuff, and seeing you, which should be high on his list of priorities. Obviously you don't necessarily need to plan everything to be organised, but it helps if you have a few key things to put in your schedule regularly.
*Waits for Jennybean to post on this subject
Reply 3
I go up on the train almost every weekend to see him - he NEVER comes to see me. This is only the second time he has come to see me.
I have asked him whats up and I said that I was upset - he just keeps saying "fine, I'll not go out then" which is just making me feel guilty about it! I asked him why he didnt think of me and why he didnt realise that he was meant to be seeing me even though it was only 2 weeks ago that we organised it. He just said that he had arranged to go out with them first and that he never gets to see them.
Oh and I know about the anonymous thing, I just dont want my username cropping up so he can trace it to me
I have asked him whats up and I said that I was upset - he just keeps saying "fine, I'll not go out then" which is just making me feel guilty about it! I asked him why he didnt think of me and why he didnt realise that he was meant to be seeing me even though it was only 2 weeks ago that we organised it. He just said that he had arranged to go out with them first and that he never gets to see them.
Oh and I know about the anonymous thing, I just dont want my username cropping up so he can trace it to me
Reply 4
Oh, he does know what he wants to do with his life. He has an RAF interview lined up and he's on a college course back in the home town. He's just really bad at organising his time and remembering when he makes plans with people. I tell him that he really should start to check with me to make sure - which he just laughs at.
And yeah, I like being super organised and like just knowing when things are and what I'm doing - he likes to just organise something at the last minute
And yeah, I like being super organised and like just knowing when things are and what I'm doing - he likes to just organise something at the last minute
Reply 5
Anonymous
Oh, he does know what he wants to do with his life. He has an RAF interview lined up and he's on a college course back in the home town. He's just really bad at organising his time and remembering when he makes plans with people. I tell him that he really should start to check with me to make sure - which he just laughs at.
And yeah, I like being super organised and like just knowing when things are and what I'm doing - he likes to just organise something at the last minute
And yeah, I like being super organised and like just knowing when things are and what I'm doing - he likes to just organise something at the last minute
Yup, sounds like you have clashing personalities, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. You just have to learn to converge a little. If he has a crap memory like I do then buy him a small diary (because it's from you it might make him feel bad if he doesn't use it!) and encourage him to keep it with him so he can check if something will clash. Once he gets into a routine of recording things then he might start to change.
Reply 6
17
Anonymous
he just keeps saying "fine, I'll not go out then"
Don't let him use this excuse. I HATE it when I hear people say this kinda thing. Yeah go out, but don't let it ruin your relationship!!
If you're going to have a night out the night before you're spending a whole day with your girlfriend who you haven't seen in 2 months, then make sure you don't get so drunk that you can't get out of bed until midday and then feel like crap for the rest of the day
HOWEVER on the other side of things, if you're going to want to be with him, make plans to do things. Like things you can't really cancel - buy tickets to places, book tables for restaurants, etc etc. If you just go "Oh well we're going to go shopping and maybe have a couple of drinks then go home and have a night in" then he's going to think "Well we can do that anytime" and (unfortunately) see other things as more important to attend. I've known girlfriends of guys I know to be like "Oh let's have a night in tonight" when we're having a get together to see some friends we haven't seen in AGES. Just stupid, don't take a guy away from things that are clearly important to him.
.....But at the same time, don't let him neglect you! And as someone above says, get him a diary!! I hate unorganised people, so I feel your pain!
Reply 7
Will
*Waits for Jennybean to post on this subject
Quite.
OP all I can say is that after two years spent with a guy who did the exact same thing, CONSTANTLY, you have my deepest sympathies! I understand completely the frustration and remember only too clearly how it makes you feel like they just don't care enough to get their act together. However my own personal experience dictates that the best thing to do is break up with them then refuse to get back with them til they've sorted themselves out. I think Will's contribution is testimony to this. Experiment still in progress though, will let you know whether or not it's successful
lolReply 8
20
Jennybean
Quite.
OP all I can say is that after two years spent with a guy who did the exact same thing, CONSTANTLY, you have my deepest sympathies! I understand completely the frustration and remember only too clearly how it makes you feel like they just don't care enough to get their act together. However my own personal experience dictates that the best thing to do is break up with them then refuse to get back with them til they've sorted themselves out. I think Will's contribution is testimony to this. Experiment still in progress though, will let you know whether or not it's successful lol
OP all I can say is that after two years spent with a guy who did the exact same thing, CONSTANTLY, you have my deepest sympathies! I understand completely the frustration and remember only too clearly how it makes you feel like they just don't care enough to get their act together. However my own personal experience dictates that the best thing to do is break up with them then refuse to get back with them til they've sorted themselves out. I think Will's contribution is testimony to this. Experiment still in progress though, will let you know whether or not it's successful
lolHow... modern.
Reply 9
Profesh
How... modern.
As opposed to ye olde times when medieval Jennybean would just have put up with it?! Seriously, enough was enough. I am a very tolerant person, and actually I think Will himself would be the first to testify to this. I just couldn't cope with it all anymore.
Reply 10
20
Jennybean
As opposed to ye olde times when medieval Jennybean would just have put up with it?! Seriously, enough was enough. I am a very tolerant person, and actually I think Will himself would be the first to testify to this. I just couldn't cope with it all anymore.
Oh, that wasn't a criticism; just an observation. If anything, it shows a level of composure that is commendable: most relationships having attained 'critical mass' either devolve into a yawning schism of acrimony or persist contrary to all rhyme and reason out of mutual desperation.
Reply 11
19
I've been in a similar situation to the guy this thread is about.
Its hard work trying to please everybody AND not getting any support/thanks for it.
Its hard work trying to please everybody AND not getting any support/thanks for it.
Reply 12
JC.
I've been in a similar situation to the guy this thread is about.
Its hard work trying to please everybody AND not getting any support/thanks for it.
Its hard work trying to please everybody AND not getting any support/thanks for it.
Granted, but if one partner can manage it, why shouldn't the other also be expected to?
Reply 13
10
Because not everyone is born the same?
Reply 14
19
Jennybean
Granted, but if one partner can manage it, why shouldn't the other also be expected to?
We can't all be perfect like you.
Reply 15
It sounds like this could become controversial...
Perhaps I should avoid commenting any further.
Perhaps I should avoid commenting any further.
Reply 16
JC.
We can't all be perfect like you.
I'm not gonna lie, I am pretty brill. Ok but no seriously, it's really not a question of people being "born the same", not everybody who is organised is just like that naturally, some people work really hard to stay on top of all their responsibilities. And if you're like that then it can be really hard to understand why some people appear to be so unwilling to make the effort (even if that's not the case).
Reply 17
Jennybean
I'm not gonna lie, I am pretty brill. Ok but no seriously, it's really not a question of people being "born the same", not everybody who is organised is just like that naturally, some people work really hard to stay on top of all their responsibilities. And if you're like that then it can be really hard to understand why some people appear to be so unwilling to make the effort (even if that's not the case).
Ah yes, but in some cases it is more a lack of ability than effort or intention. I'm sure that I could condition myself to be an organised person, but I would certainly find it a mentally-draining way of living. If we approach this from a loosely Jungian perspective, then we could say that I find organising my thoughts a lot more enjoyable and rewarding than organising my external environment. I have a feeling that many of the other inhabitants of TSR who frequent this place in the early hours of the morning are in fact quite similar in this respect.
However, people are more complicated than some Jungian classification, and I don't intend to use it as an excuse for lack of effort.
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