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Am I an awful girlfriend? Would you put up with this? Watch

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    I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. It's the first relationship for both of us; I'm 23 and he's 22.

    He's amazing. I feel so blessed to have met such a great guy - he's always so considerate, he looks after me and we get on great with each other's friends. I've met his family and they're all wonderful.

    The only thing is, my family are arab/muslim and his family are english/christian (us two are both not religious though). Because of this, my parents are super religious and strict on me - especially because I'm a girl.

    My boyfriend has recently graduated so he's currently back at home whilst he searches for jobs. At the moment, we're doing long-distance. I'm currently a student at university, so it's fine when I'm away during term time - I live in a different city when I'm studying - so I can visit my boyfriend when I like.

    The problem we're having is that right now, as it's the summer holiday, I'm back in my parent's house and I'm unable to see my boyfriend unless I spin out a huge web of lies with my parents about where I'm going for a few days, and I have to get my older sister involved to cover for me - I essentally pretend I'm visiting her for a few days but instead I'm visiting my boyfriend.

    Obviously, this doesn't always work because my sister (she is in her 30s) has her own life and can't always cover for me eg she is out of the country next week.

    Because of this, I have to constantly cancel on the plans I make with my boyfriend over the summer as I can't get away from my parents. I feel so bad about it, because my boyfriend always asks me to come visit him and he has all these ideas of things we can do together, and I keep having to cancel it or postpone it at the last minute.

    When I get back to uni, seeing each other shouldn't be a problem - it's just when I'm at home.

    Am I a bad girlfriend?? Does anyone have advice??

    Thanks in advance
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    (Original post by Sertraline)
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. It's the first relationship for both of us; I'm 23 and he's 22.

    He's amazing. I feel so blessed to have met such a great guy - he's always so considerate, he looks after me and we get on great with each other's friends. I've met his family and they're all wonderful.

    The only thing is, my family are arab/muslim and his family are english/christian (us two are both not religious though). Because of this, my parents are super religious and strict on me - especially because I'm a girl.

    My boyfriend has recently graduated so he's currently back at home whilst he searches for jobs. At the moment, we're doing long-distance. I'm currently a student at university, so it's fine when I'm away during term time - I live in a different city when I'm studying - so I can visit my boyfriend when I like.

    The problem we're having is that right now, as it's the summer holiday, I'm back in my parent's house and I'm unable to see my boyfriend unless I spin out a huge web of lies with my parents about where I'm going for a few days, and I have to get my older sister involved to cover for me - I essentally pretend I'm visiting her for a few days but instead I'm visiting my boyfriend.

    Obviously, this doesn't always work because my sister (she is in her 30s) has her own life and can't always cover for me eg she is out of the country next week.

    Because of this, I have to constantly cancel on the plans I make with my boyfriend over the summer as I can't get away from my parents. I feel so bad about it, because my boyfriend always asks me to come visit him and he has all these ideas of things we can do together, and I keep having to cancel it or postpone it at the last minute.

    When I get back to uni, seeing each other shouldn't be a problem - it's just when I'm at home.

    Am I a bad girlfriend?? Does anyone have advice??

    Thanks in advance
    You're not a bad girlfriend in my opinion, although I can imagine he might find it quite frustrating.

    In my mind though, you're 23 and in university, why can't you just say you're going to visit some friends from university?
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    (Original post by Sertraline)
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. It's the first relationship for both of us; I'm 23 and he's 22.

    He's amazing. I feel so blessed to have met such a great guy - he's always so considerate, he looks after me and we get on great with each other's friends. I've met his family and they're all wonderful.

    The only thing is, my family are arab/muslim and his family are english/christian (us two are both not religious though). Because of this, my parents are super religious and strict on me - especially because I'm a girl.

    My boyfriend has recently graduated so he's currently back at home whilst he searches for jobs. At the moment, we're doing long-distance. I'm currently a student at university, so it's fine when I'm away during term time - I live in a different city when I'm studying - so I can visit my boyfriend when I like.

    The problem we're having is that right now, as it's the summer holiday, I'm back in my parent's house and I'm unable to see my boyfriend unless I spin out a huge web of lies with my parents about where I'm going for a few days, and I have to get my older sister involved to cover for me - I essentally pretend I'm visiting her for a few days but instead I'm visiting my boyfriend.

    Obviously, this doesn't always work because my sister (she is in her 30s) has her own life and can't always cover for me eg she is out of the country next week.

    Because of this, I have to constantly cancel on the plans I make with my boyfriend over the summer as I can't get away from my parents. I feel so bad about it, because my boyfriend always asks me to come visit him and he has all these ideas of things we can do together, and I keep having to cancel it or postpone it at the last minute.

    When I get back to uni, seeing each other shouldn't be a problem - it's just when I'm at home.

    Am I a bad girlfriend?? Does anyone have advice??

    Thanks in advance
    I think perhaps with parents like that you should work on a plan to get out of there as soon as you can really
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    (Original post by Elastichedgehog)
    You're not a bad girlfriend in my opinion, although I can imagine he might find it quite frustrating.

    In my mind though, you're 23 and in university, why can't you just say you're going to visit some friends from university?
    My parents are extremely backwards and overly religious- when im home, they like to control everything i do, and they believe a single girl shouldnt be travelling around unaccompanied as she might lose her "dignity". Doesnt really make sense as they let me live away during term time. When i questioned them they said they "gave the blind eye" as im studying a well respected and competitive course which has tough entry requirements.
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    (Original post by Sertraline)
    My parents are extremely backwards and overly religious- when im home, they like to control everything i do, and they believe a single girl shouldnt be travelling around unaccompanied as she might lose her "dignity". Doesnt really make sense as they let me live away during term time. When i questioned them they said they "gave the blind eye" as im studying a well respected and competitive course which has tough entry requirements.
    That's frustrating but not uncommon. Just keep communicating with your boyfriend, at the end of the day it's not really your fault.
    Make up for lost time when you can see each other properly again next month
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    (Original post by Elastichedgehog)
    You're not a bad girlfriend in my opinion, although I can imagine he might find it quite frustrating.

    In my mind though, you're 23 and in university, why can't you just say you're going to visit some friends from university?
    Probably because you would read about her being the victim of an 'honour killing' if she did. You have NO idea how repressive that society is. I lived in that part of the world for 3 years, mixing with the locals. So i have some insight. Cheers.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    I think perhaps with parents like that you should work on a plan to get out of there as soon as you can really
    Yeah, when i graduate and im financially independent i'll probably distance myself
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    (Original post by Rabbit2)
    Probably because you would read about her being the victim of an 'honour killing' if she did. You have NO idea how repressive that society is. I lived in that part of the world for 3 years, mixing with the locals. So i have some insight. Cheers.
    Id like to think my parents arent the killing-type, however theyd probably be violent towards me and either disown me or imprison me at home
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    (Original post by Sertraline)
    Yeah, when i graduate and im financially independent i'll probably distance myself
    yes get a job and start saving as soon as possible.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    yes get a job and start saving as soon as possible.
    I dont graduate for another 2-3 years though :lol: but I'm going to try saving from now
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    I lived in the near east for 3 years - so i have some insight into this. Frankly, i don't see much future for your relationship the way things stand. You are attracted to a western mate for obvious reasons. I don't think that you'll be able to manage this long term with your parents in the picture, because they are behaving "true to form" for your society. If you become involved with an eastern mate, you will end up being 'chattel property' - like a donkey or a sheep. [Speak only when spoken to, walk 3 paces behind, etc.] I can understand why this would be distasteful. I think that the likelihood that your parents are going to let you run your own life is close to zero. When you graduate, if you are studying something that will enable you to earn a decent living, you will have the opportunity to strike out on your own. One way would be to accept an overseas job. This would enable you to distance yourself from your parents and their friends, and be a functioning adult in western society. No doubt you would get 'flack' from them over this, but it would enable you to separate yourself from them. Of course, you would want to have a job in a western country - like Canada, US, others. Certainly NOT an eastern country. Best of luck - you are in an unenviable position, but i think there are several solutions that would work. Letting them continue to run your life for you is probably a route to disaster. Cheers.
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    (Original post by Sertraline)
    Yeah, when i graduate and im financially independent i'll probably distance myself
    Don't do that!! It's fundamental in Islam to keep the relationship between you and your family good and visit your family/parents often. It's also not Halal to have a boyfriend (especially if he is Christian). I'm not really religious, but when it comes to Halal and Haram, I have to do by what our religion says. I'm 100% sure that your boyfriend might ask for a sleep with you (you know what I mean) and that's a sin in Islam!!
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    You're not doing it intentionally, you have your reasons and are having to always lie or cancel to save you and your boyfriend from getting any argo. i think he should understand this already. so no you're not being an awful girlfriend because its not like you're doing it on purpose or to spite anyone. although if you are serious about this guy then try at some point to tell your parents about him
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    (Original post by Rabbit2)
    I lived in the near east for 3 years - so i have some insight into this. Frankly, i don't see much future for your relationship the way things stand. You are attracted to a western mate for obvious reasons. I don't think that you'll be able to manage this long term with your parents in the picture, because they are behaving "true to form" for your society. If you become involved with an eastern mate, you will end up being 'chattel property' - like a donkey or a sheep. [Speak only when spoken to, walk 3 paces behind, etc.] I can understand why this would be distasteful. I think that the likelihood that your parents are going to let you run your own life is close to zero. When you graduate, if you are studying something that will enable you to earn a decent living, you will have the opportunity to strike out on your own. One way would be to accept an overseas job. This would enable you to distance yourself from your parents and their friends, and be a functioning adult in western society. No doubt you would get 'flack' from them over this, but it would enable you to separate yourself from them. Of course, you would want to have a job in a western country - like Canada, US, others. Certainly NOT an eastern country. Best of luck - you are in an unenviable position, but i think there are several solutions that would work. Letting them continue to run your life for you is probably a route to disaster. Cheers.
    Youve got some valid opinions but I'd just like to point out that i was born and raised in the uk, and im not with my boyfriend just because he is "western" :lol: there are plenty of arab guys in the uk who are like me, although maybe not as abundant as english guys. It just happened by chance that I ended up with my current boyfriend. If i met an open minded, irreligious arab guy who was just as kind as my current boyfriend instead, it wouldnt have made a difference.

    As for my my parents, theyre getting quite old now and by the time i get a job (which obviously wont end up being in my hometown) they wont be able to do much about it when i move away. This relationship might not last for whatever reason, but id like to think that i wouldnt break up with him just because of my backward parents
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    (Original post by Sertraline)
    I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. It's the first relationship for both of us; I'm 23 and he's 22.

    He's amazing. I feel so blessed to have met such a great guy - he's always so considerate, he looks after me and we get on great with each other's friends. I've met his family and they're all wonderful.

    The only thing is, my family are arab/muslim and his family are english/christian (us two are both not religious though). Because of this, my parents are super religious and strict on me - especially because I'm a girl.

    My boyfriend has recently graduated so he's currently back at home whilst he searches for jobs. At the moment, we're doing long-distance. I'm currently a student at university, so it's fine when I'm away during term time - I live in a different city when I'm studying - so I can visit my boyfriend when I like.

    The problem we're having is that right now, as it's the summer holiday, I'm back in my parent's house and I'm unable to see my boyfriend unless I spin out a huge web of lies with my parents about where I'm going for a few days, and I have to get my older sister involved to cover for me - I essentally pretend I'm visiting her for a few days but instead I'm visiting my boyfriend.

    Obviously, this doesn't always work because my sister (she is in her 30s) has her own life and can't always cover for me eg she is out of the country next week.

    Because of this, I have to constantly cancel on the plans I make with my boyfriend over the summer as I can't get away from my parents. I feel so bad about it, because my boyfriend always asks me to come visit him and he has all these ideas of things we can do together, and I keep having to cancel it or postpone it at the last minute.

    When I get back to uni, seeing each other shouldn't be a problem - it's just when I'm at home.

    Am I a bad girlfriend?? Does anyone have advice??

    Thanks in advance
    That's a tough situation - I empathise as I had somewhat strict parents (but more culturally strict than religious). So, no you're not a bad girlfriend, and hopefully he understands your predicament.

    Unfortunately, the reality is that until you're able to support yourself independently of your parents, you're subject to the 'you live under my roof, so you obey my rules' clause. It's not always fair, but it is what it is.

    I don't think there's much you can do without risking damage to your relationship with your parents, so for now you'll need to manage your boyfriend's expectations about when/how much time you can spend with him when you're home. Hopefully he'll understand but you two should discuss if it's a deal breaker for him.

    Are your parents ok with you doing group trips/activities with friends? If so, maybe plan more of those and if he happens to turn up well then so be it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Don't do that!! It's fundamental in Islam to keep the relationship between you and your family good and visit your family/parents often. It's also not Halal to have a boyfriend (especially if he is Christian). I'm not really religious, but when it comes to Halal and Haram, I have to do by what our religion says. I'm 100% sure that your boyfriend might ask for a sleep with you (you know what I mean) and that's a sin in Islam!!
    Im not religious. At all. I dont believe in islam so what is halal or haram is irrelevant to me.
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    NO!!! You are by no means whatsoever a bad girlfriend because your parents are so strict that they force you to cancel plans with your boyfriend. Purge any idea to the contrary from your head right now because it's not your fault. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice but just know that it's not your fault that you can't keep plans with him.
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    no I'm sure he'll understand It's really difficult with this, but you'll have to remember you're an adult, and at some point you will have to come clean and maybe talk about it (as long as that isn't completely dangerous or damaging for anyone in the picture).It depends on whether you're willing to lose something, because unfortunately it does seem like it's between him and your parents. Maybe if you sort things out, when you graduate you could stay with her??Did your sister have boyfriends/is she married now?
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    **** your parents, your 23, tell them to wake the **** up and let you live your life. If you let them keep you pinned down you'll resent them for it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Don't do that!! It's fundamental in Islam to keep the relationship between you and your family good and visit your family/parents often. It's also not Halal to have a boyfriend (especially if he is Christian). I'm not really religious, but when it comes to Halal and Haram, I have to do by what our religion says. I'm 100% sure that your boyfriend might ask for a sleep with you (you know what I mean) and that's a sin in Islam!!
    But she said she's not religious neither is her boyfriend. Im not trying to be offensive but religious people should understand that not all of the people want to follow their beliefs. Its better for her to be happy with her boyfriend than being with someone she doesnt like. She isn't hurting anyone and isn't doing nothing wrong.
 
 
 
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