The Student Room Group

Dealing with Asperger's

Please keep this thread anonymous for obvious reasons...

Basically, I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome following years of speculation. I am already officially diagnosed with OCD, however AS is a whole new kettle of fish and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with.

My problem isn't so much in dealing with my condition; I have had to do this for many years with OCD and my undiagnosed (but ever-present) Asperger's...My real problem lies in that I feel very alone; I have my family for support but I'm terrified of telling my friends!

I am very high-functioning, and am currently studying 4 A levels at a top school. I want to tell my friends what I'm going through so they can be there for me, but the only other person with AS they've come into contact with was last year when we had a very dependent young guy at my sixth form who displayed only the most severe elements of the condition.

How do you think I should go about telling my friends, if at all, without scaring them off?

Thanks guys.

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Reply 1
I also have Asperger's and OCD, and I've found that my friends and family have been very supportive. Be confident - it doesn't make you any less of a person. If someone puts you down for something that isn't your fault, they're not worth your time or effort :smile: .

Feel free to send me a PM if you want a fellow Aspie to talk to. I will respect your anonymity.

~~Simba
My grandpa, brother, and bf (on TSR thats why it is anon) have Aspergers.

I like to think of Aspergers as a personality trait, like having a good sense of humour or being stubborn. I personally don't have a problem with it, and I don't see why other people would.
I appreciate what condition you're in, you don't want to tell your friends because you don't know how they'll react, yet you don't want to be alone. I'd try to tell them some of the difficulties you're having, perhaps without saying you actually have AS, but it's up to you.

Out of interest, how did you go about getting it diagnosed?
Reply 4
Simba
I also have Asperger's and OCD, and I've found that my friends and family have been very supportive. Be confident - it doesn't make you any less of a person. If someone puts you down for something that isn't your fault, they're not worth your time or effort :smile: .

Feel free to send me a PM if you want a fellow Aspie to talk to. I will respect your anonymity.

~~Simba


Thank you very much, Simba, I might just take you up on that :smile: and thanks for the advice, you're right, if people view me in a lesser light they're not the people I thought they were.

Anonymous
My grandpa, brother, and bf (on TSR thats why it is anon) have Aspergers.

I like to think of Aspergers as a personality trait, like having a good sense of humour or being stubborn. I personally don't have a problem with it, and I don't see why other people would.


Thanks anon, that's a cool way of looking at it.


Glutamic Acid
Out of interest, how did you go about getting it diagnosed?


My Mum specialises in Autism at work (she has done since I was a small kid) and she referred me to someone. Even though I'd always known in my heart of hearts, it still came as a shock!
Reply 5
No matter what you're diagnosed with, you're still you, you're still the same person that you ever were.

Everyone in the whole world has some autisitic and OCD traits - these a perfectly normal traits, it's just that in people with AS and OCD they can be magnified so that they cause problems. If they don't cause problems then they're just part of who you are and there's no need to worry, but if they do then it can be really helpful to have a diagnosis, because it's the first step to dealing with them. Remember that AS is just a label, something that clinicians use as an easy way of categorising your needs, it shouldn't colour how you think about yourself (although that's easier said than done). Like one of the other posters suggested, I think it's a good idea to let people know what areas you have problems in, rather than just giving them the diagnosis (as people can have a lot of incorrect preconceived ideas about these things) - that way people can help you and be considerate about specific things rather than worrying about some label that doesn't mean much.

Good luck with everything, hope this turns out to be a positive rather than a negative thing for you. It's great that your mum has expertise in the area, that should be a great help. Never be afraid to be who you are, no matter what people might think.
A friend I met during my first week at uni last year has Aspergers...I didn't know this until about 2months knowing her.

And you know what? She's actually amazing. Her uniqueness as I call her is something that defines her. People do know she has it, but it certainly doesn't have a negative effect on her social life!

I'm sure your friends will be very supportive when you decide to tell them. :smile:
I have Asperger's too. I hate telling people I have it because - from little experience - people tend not to be that open.

Joes (The better way of saying 'NTs) FTL
how could it be a great surprise for your friends that you have aspergers? it's i was under the impression that it was a lifelong condition, not something that you can just suddenly develop. i don't see why it would be such a blow, although i guess there must be a depressing finality about such a diagnosis.

and, without wanting to sound mean, if you have a group of friends and so on, surely you have avoided some of the worst parts of being autistic; namely that you can't, or find it very difficult to form relationships with other people.
Reply 9
I was proberbly in a very simular position to you a few years ago (im now at uni studying engineering, having just compleated my second year and started a years placment at jcb).

I weas never dependant, but thoughout primary i always 'stood out' and caused much trouble for my varous teachers (rahh!!).
- However i made i though primary and secondary education, and moved to the local catholic schools 6th form with 1A 6B C D E at GCSE (D&E in English Lang&Lit).
- Thoughout 6th form i had two hours a week 1:1 with a teaching assistant during my frees to help with manage my work, and english resit. Which i didnt really tell anyone there about, i just dissappered off to go to them. And explaned away my extra in exams with my Dyslexia.

I was diagnosed as a young child, before i really had anything to do with it, and my parents never talked about it really eather.
- It wasnt untill i started 6th form that i had even heard of AsbergersSyndrome.

And i still havent told any of my freinds at uni that i have AS eather. I still have the 25% extra time, and use of a computer in exams. But again just use the dylexic title to explan it away. Which works fine because half of engineering is ruddy 'dysliexic' anyway.

However what did happen during starting uni is that i visted a educational phycologist (well, actually he came to our house, but anyway) in order to get his veiw on what would help me though uni most, and to get my setup with the uni's disabled-students department, and open up some funding from my LEA for book/photocopying/printing allowence etc.
- And that was actually really good.

I did it with my mum, who although not actually ever diagnosed, is blantly WAY more dyslixic and aspergers than i am. And, with no outside help or understanding, managed to get though a medical degree and become a GP. (engineering with people).
- But no, it was really good. He was really good. Helped really to make it all make sence, and to make be feel happy with me being me. Just things that he did and said, made so much sence.
- A number of times he said "and do you do this.." and i was like "no, i dont think so". but then all of a sudden started noticing how much i actaully do do it.

I also now have a postgrad research student, who i spend three hours a week with, funded by my LEA (£18.50 an hour i think he's on). And thats well worth it too.
- It took a long time to arrange, convise my lea to fund, and find someone who would do it.
- They seam very happy to pay for note takers, printing, books, computers. All stuff i dont need or already have. But not personal tutors.
- However, i got him just in time (5weeks before my first year exams) and just about managed to turn them around. And then second year was much better for his earlier input.

On of my housemates and freinds is also very dyslexic and that, and i think he proberbly also knows i might not just be dyslixic. but i would like to tell him i have AS at some point and maybe will bring it up in a convosation on day. If nothing else we are very good freinds and spend a lot of time together at uni (will be sharing a house again next year) and it might help him to understand a few of my more annoying habits. Like talking for hours about stuff that noone else cares about!

But what i dont want is for people to judge me before they get to know me, or really at all. Espeically as, as you have mentioned, the symtoms of asbergers varys so very much. Which is why i dont really mention it.
- I my just me. Im the way i am. And i would like people to know me as that. Rather than 'some guy with AS' or whatever.

Bit of a long and rambling post, but maybe it will make sence in parts?
- Ill post back in a bit anyway or somthing. And if you want to add me on MSN or whatever that would be cool too.


Daniel
dhutch
I was proberbly in a very simular position to you a few years ago (im now at uni studying engineering, having just compleated my second year and started a years placment at jcb).

I weas never dependant, but thoughout primary i always 'stood out' and caused much trouble for my varous teachers (rahh!!).
- However i made i though primary and secondary education, and moved to the local catholic schools 6th form with 1A 6B C D E at GCSE (D&E in English Lang&Lit).
- Thoughout 6th form i had two hours a week 1:1 with a teaching assistant during my frees to help with manage my work, and english resit. Which i didnt really tell anyone there about, i just dissappered off to go to them. And explaned away my extra in exams with my Dyslexia.

I was diagnosed as a young child, before i really had anything to do with it, and my parents never talked about it really eather.
- It wasnt untill i started 6th form that i had even heard of AsbergersSyndrome.

And i still havent told any of my freinds at uni that i have AS eather. I still have the 25% extra time, and use of a computer in exams. But again just use the dylexic title to explan it away. Which works fine because half of engineering is ruddy 'dysliexic' anyway.

However what did happen during starting uni is that i visted a educational phycologist (well, actually he came to our house, but anyway) in order to get his veiw on what would help me though uni most, and to get my setup with the uni's disabled-students department, and open up some funding from my LEA for book/photocopying/printing allowence etc.
- And that was actually really good.

I did it with my mum, who although not actually ever diagnosed, is blantly WAY more dyslixic and aspergers than i am. And, with no outside help or understanding, managed to get though a medical degree and become a GP. (engineering with people).
- But no, it was really good. He was really good. Helped really to make it all make sence, and to make be feel happy with me being me. Just things that he did and said, made so much sence.
- A number of times he said "and do you do this.." and i was like "no, i dont think so". but then all of a sudden started noticing how much i actaully do do it.

I also now have a postgrad research student, who i spend three hours a week with, funded by my LEA (£18.50 an hour i think he's on). And thats well worth it too.
- It took a long time to arrange, convise my lea to fund, and find someone who would do it.
- They seam very happy to pay for note takers, printing, books, computers. All stuff i dont need or already have. But not personal tutors.
- However, i got him just in time (5weeks before my first year exams) and just about managed to turn them around. And then second year was much better for his earlier input.

On of my housemates and freinds is also very dyslexic and that, and i think he proberbly also knows i might not just be dyslixic. but i would like to tell him i have AS at some point and maybe will bring it up in a convosation on day. If nothing else we are very good freinds and spend a lot of time together at uni (will be sharing a house again next year) and it might help him to understand a few of my more annoying habits. Like talking for hours about stuff that noone else cares about!

But what i dont want is for people to judge me before they get to know me, or really at all. Espeically as, as you have mentioned, the symtoms of asbergers varys so very much. Which is why i dont really mention it.
- I my just me. Im the way i am. And i would like people to know me as that. Rather than 'some guy with AS' or whatever.

Bit of a long and rambling post, but maybe it will make sence in parts?
- Ill post back in a bit anyway or somthing. And if you want to add me on MSN or whatever that would be cool too.


Daniel


Reading that gave me a strange glow inside. I tmakes a lot of sense to me.
I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome earlier this year. I wasn't really surprised (although I was expected to be diagnosed with something else), but most of the time I just tend to forget that I have it, because it kind of upsets me. I really don't know much about the condition at all. I figured the more I find out about it, the more it could bother/upset me.
Reply 12
If they are your true friends, they wouldn't care less. (Although there are some ignorant bastards out there)
I have a brother who suffers from autism who can't talk (but he understands japanese and english very well), and my friends know this. They sometimes feel sympathy, but they are happy that I care for him, despite whats wrong.

My best friend in primary school was Asperger and he was an awesome friend :smile:

May I ask (if its not rude)..does anyone know how does someone suddenly become diagnosed with Asperger? Is it something one is born with? Or it could just suddenly develop?
U-Dawg
If they are your true friends, they wouldn't care less. (Although there are some ignorant bastards out there)
I have a brother who suffers from autism who can't talk (but he understands japanese and english very well), and my friends know this. They sometimes feel sympathy, but they are happy that I care for him, despite whats wrong.

My best friend in primary school was Asperger and he was an awesome friend :smile:

May I ask (if its not rude)..does anyone know how does someone suddenly become diagnosed with Asperger? Is it something one is born with? Or it could just suddenly develop?


No, you're not being rude at all. You're born with Asperger's/autism but it might not manifest itself obviously until - absolute minimum - 1/2 years old.

Usually, I think it's noticed more at the age of 5 onwards... but I might be wrong.

You get diagnosed as Asperger's/autistic through a series of tests (Not sure what they are now, as I was 2 when diagnosed).

How does your brother communicate (Sorry, personal, I know)?
Reply 14
I have quite bad OCD & mild Asperger's.
I always feel reluctant to tell people, for fear of being labelled a hypochondriac & the general difficulty in explaining what exactly Asperger's is.
I try to tell it in conversation sometime, but when the push comes to shove & I get a little 'off' for a while, nobody really understands..
Reply 15
One of my colleagues has Asperger's.

I've always thought he was a truly lovely guy, but I struggled to pinpoint what exactly it was that made him different. I knew there was something, but I didn't know what. When someone eventually told me he had Asperger's, the penny dropped, and it made a lot of sense.

That's the end of the story.

I'm sorry it's not longer, but that's because my opinion of him didn't change in the slightest. I still think he's truly lovely. It was nice to know what made him different, just because I was curious, but it didn't change him.

He had Asperger's when I met him, and he's still got Asperger's now.

Being diagnosed means that you can now seek medical help to control your condition, and receive special concessions in exams should you require them. It's a good thing, really.

No one is going to treat you differently now you have a label. You're still the same person you were when you met your friends. Yes, there's something a bit different about you... but if they didn't like that quality in you, they wouldn't have chosen to stick with you for so long, would they?

It's always scary labelling yourself, but you need to have more confidence in your friends. Bear in mind that when you tell them, the question they are most likely going to want to ask, is going to be, "What can I do to make your life easier?" Most of them probably won't voice this question, but you can answer it anyway. You probably just want to make it clear that this doesn't change you, and you don't want them to be funny with you because of it. Just tell them that.

You say you're finding it hard to come to terms with your diagnosis... Let your friends be there for you. If they needed you, you'd be there for them in a heartbeat, wouldn't you? Let them return the sentiment.
Reply 16
Well im glad my waffle made sense to someone anyway, lol.
- Ive not met a girl with AS either, i beleave the bulk people who its affects are male.
- Tbh, i think the bulk of males are half way to having AS anyway, thats just males...

I think its great shona that you dont thing anything of your colloge for having AS, but at the same time, if you met a total randomer, and they shook hands with you at said "hi im dave, i have AS" - I cant help but feel that without meaning to, you would straight away start making comparisons with him and your colluge, or anyone else you know with AS?
- When i was choosing my 6th form the disabiltys office at the local 6thform center currently had one other person who was registered with them as having AS, but with very diffrent symtoms to myself.
- In the end i went to the local schools 6th form instead, simply becuase everything they where thinking stemed from this one other AS guy they had. Where as the local 6th form who had no AS pupils on record, where stating with a clean sheet. And where very go as well.

Also the OP sent me a PM saying a few things, and asking about my experinces with social interation at uni, and finding freinds/housemates etc.
- But i figure i might as well copy the bulk of my reply into this thread as anyone else might as well read it if they want

Thanks so much for your reply to my thread (I'm the anonymous guy ). It really gives me strength knowing others are going through it too!

Hi,

I dont know what your like, but i would deffonatly say that my 'social interaction' is a little bit rough around the edges.

However, i got on fairly well with the people in my block within halls in the first year, and managed to find a few freinds within my coarse too. Or atleast, they found me, i managed not to totatly scare them off!

So yeah, there were the five of us, all engineers doing the same course, bar one who is a materals engineer. All blokes, bar one as well. And she is an odd one if ever there was. haha.
- I could have got a house with some of the people from my halls as well, but im glad i went with people from my course now becuase we just have more incommon really.
- I wouldnt be supprised if one of the guys in our house isnt a little asbergers himself when alls said and done. And he's certainly as dyslixic and clumsy as anyone i know.

This year im on placment as i might have mentioned, with jcb, in uttoxeter (an hour up the road from loughbrough where im at uni, and half way between uni and home)
- Convently they provide accomdation, shared with other people on the placment, so that was sorted.
- And then next year im going back with one of the guys from our house last year, and one or two other people from our 'extended' social group (theres about 8 of us in total, lol).

Before uni i hadnt really been out much, lived at home, in the middle of knowhere, and ourside of school didint really have any frends.
- But i'd been to a few 6th form soicals geting a lifton someone i knew a bit from outside of school (well, mainly his mum knew mine, but whatever)
- So i had atleast vaguly gone out and got drunk a few times with 'freinds'. So i sort of hit freashers week not as a totoal noob!
- You just have to give it what you've got, eat paracetamol like its penny sweets, and bully your way though the first month and hope you come out alive?

Sounds easy from here i guess, but i really didnt know what what to expect when i was in your shoes two years ago. haha.

Ive got to go again now because im at work, and its just ended!
- But ill try and post back in a bit, or else im usally on msn all night if you are...



Daniel
(edited 11 years ago)
Yeah I'm a mild case and when I admitted to my flatmates and our close, small circle of friends, they all felt "it matters bugger all" which means a lot to me. I think that I am rapidly reducing my social faux passes and, in a slightly slower fashion, taking care of my flat better :P: with some help from them.

It also helps that I'm staying in a city much better and diverse, both with the environment and people, than the small rural community I was in before. I am also thinking of asking someone who knows about me (and doesn't mind in the slightest) out whereas before I never confessed to any girls for fear of being dumped. I love life now, and really miss being there with those people just now. If you're high functioning and have mates already, it should be fine to admit. Good luck :smile:
If they are real friends or simply good humans they won't care :smile:
Reply 19
I have mild aspergers too. - Was diagnosed about 6 years ago (when I was 14ish).

However, I've never talked about it to anyone but my mum. I just feel that if I tell anyone about it then I'm instantly saying that there is something wrong with me and because it would label me as being "socially different" which could possibly become a self fulfilling prophecy. That is, rather than me doing my best to integrate the best I can without trying to use it as an excuse.

I'm not sure if the above really made sense, I was just kind of typing...

Are there any non-aspergers people who interact on a day to day basis with people who have aspergers? How would you describe their behaviour as being different? Do you think that they have social intergration problems?