How to Move On

I'd really appreciate responses from anyone who's gone through something of this sort

I'm a guy, about to start second year of uni. I'm doing first year again, because I had depression and couldn't complete the year.

I went out with a girl when I was at college 2/3 years ago. She had been my best friend for a long time. She meant everything to me. And after all those years of friendships, just as soon as we became more than friends she became ill, so ill I thought I was going to lose her. There was one night I thought I had. Words can't describe how devastating it was, I've still had nightmares about it. It was never a normal relationship. I never slept with her, I only kissed her once. It was hard to enjoy a normal relationship due to her illness, but she still made me happy.

She's the only person to have truly understood me in that special way that makes you feel cherished. She knew the right things to say to me when I was sad, she made me laugh, we finished each others sentences etc, it was cliched romance but wonderful.

Things took a darker turn when she was ill. She didn't see the point of living anymore, she saw no hope. The doctors said she wouldn't get better. I tried so hard to help, but nothing worked. I used to just cuddle her as she lay in bed, willing her to get better. But she decided one day, she was being unfair on me for "Putting me through all this" She said I reminded her of something she couldn't have, a normal relationship, and she left me despite my protests.

Happily, she did get better. Her family moved to the other side of the country. Now she has a new boyfriend and a new life. I'm genuinely happy with the outcome, because she is alive, when I thought she wouldn't be. The last time I spoke to her felt like the "final goodbye" In a way it was, in that I haven't seen her since. In an odd way though, it doesn't always feel like she didn't die, as from that point onwards she has disappeared from my life completely.

Ultimately I miss her so much. I miss having someone who truly knew me. And it's been 2 years. I've never been with a girl since and when I was depressed during first year, I wasn't really attracted to girls in the way I used to be. Recently, in a bar I found myself feeling attracted to girls in a way I haven't felt for ages. But that very night when I went to bed, I dreamt I was with my ex- that she had ditched her current boyfriend to reunite with me, and I woke up sad. And I'm scared I'll never kiss a girl again, I'll never feel for someone again like that or that I'll remain a virgin forever. Although people have told me to go for a casual one night stand, I don't want to, this sort of intimacy is valuable to me and to just throw it away after all I've been through would negate that in a way that would make me feel un-easy. No one else has really ever found me attractive LOL, maybe they have but just not told me haha.

I know I'm not the only one in the world with things like this to get over, so if anyone else has had an experience like this, I'd really appreciate just knowing you can move on and can still find someone special again