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Guy friend with Asperger's

I have a friend, a former colleague, who has Asperger's. He is nice and funny but very very annoying.
- He has no real friends, and when we used to work together we talked a lot, even personal things.
- He is obsessed with finding a girlfriend or a girl to have sex with. I made it very clear that I am not interested in him that way, even though I am polyamorous (a great mistake was telling him that thing).
- We used to go out together (as friends, with other friends of ours). Now when we live in different cities, not too far away he keeps nugging me about meeting and going somewhere. I really don't want to. It is hard for me.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends with Asperger's I understand he is different and he may not see signs, I don't want to upset him or hurt him by saying I don't want to talk with him anymore, but it is very hard communicating with him. He has no tact (understandable), he can't accept no as an answer, he knows that I don't want to go out with him to the movie, so he asks if something else perhaps would be good. Sometimes I end up saying ok, then have to suffer communicating with him. He keeps talking about his failure in dates and etc. He is smart, but very socially awkward.

How do I get rid of him in a nice way? I'd like to help him, I'd like to make him happy, but now I am not there emotionally to even talk with him. I can't say that to him because it will make him feel worse. I am not in a bad situation emotionally, just tired of a lot of things going on, good things, but still I am too tired for him. I feel he feels I'm sort of ignoring him, and I feel guilty....
What should I do?
Original post by Kathy89
I have a friend, a former colleague, who has Asperger's. He is nice and funny but very very annoying.
- He has no real friends, and when we used to work together we talked a lot, even personal things.
- He is obsessed with finding a girlfriend or a girl to have sex with. I made it very clear that I am not interested in him that way, even though I am polyamorous (a great mistake was telling him that thing).
- We used to go out together (as friends, with other friends of ours). Now when we live in different cities, not too far away he keeps nugging me about meeting and going somewhere. I really don't want to. It is hard for me.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends with Asperger's I understand he is different and he may not see signs, I don't want to upset him or hurt him by saying I don't want to talk with him anymore, but it is very hard communicating with him. He has no tact (understandable), he can't accept no as an answer, he knows that I don't want to go out with him to the movie, so he asks if something else perhaps would be good. Sometimes I end up saying ok, then have to suffer communicating with him. He keeps talking about his failure in dates and etc. He is smart, but very socially awkward.

How do I get rid of him in a nice way? I'd like to help him, I'd like to make him happy, but now I am not there emotionally to even talk with him. I can't say that to him because it will make him feel worse. I am not in a bad situation emotionally, just tired of a lot of things going on, good things, but still I am too tired for him. I feel he feels I'm sort of ignoring him, and I feel guilty....
What should I do?


Honestly, if the friendship is annoying you then try and talk to him on occasion. Its best you just say you're busy when he asks to meet up with you, so not necessarily no, but just that you're busy (if you haven't tried it).
I think tbh you are such a kind person for caring about his feelings and how what you say would affect him but if its also affecting you then you must
distance yourself and try and talk on occasion that is if you don't have the heart to tell him upfront.
Its better to talk to him from a distance instead of eventually blowing and getting annoyed at him one day and that would eventually tarnish your relationship.
I hope this helped :smile:
I would talk to him about the people around him and help him find a friend quite passively, and then once you've helped him make a friend to take some of the weight off of your shoulders, slowly move down to a level of interaction that you're comfortable with. Sudden changes may upset him, so that's why I say slowly, but you're the one with experience in understanding him so I'd leave that judgement call ultimately up to experience.

The other thing is, from what I know of my friends with Asperger's, he's clingy because he likes you and if he feels like he's losing you as a friend he'll either reach out or just be upset. Just because you want less strain on the relationship doesn't mean you need to erase the relationship, and understanding that and acting with it in mind is something that you'll do that'll make it easier for both of you.

Finally, at any point along the line, a frank discussion with him about how he feels towards you is worth a try. My girlfriend had a similar experience with our mutual friend who likes her, and she literally just explained that she wasn't interested in him in that way, that she liked who he was and wanted him around as a friend but that she just didn't feel like sex or a relationship would work well for them, so she wouldn't do it.

Then he just sort of dealt with that issue internally, and yeah it upset him but it was better than letting him obsess and make up ideas about her reciprocating the feelings or anything. Since then it's not been a problem, but he's more cautious about what he says or does and gets really annoyed with himself if he upsets her, which I think is a call for attention because he's that kind of person, which is okay.

I hope this helped and if you have any more questions feel free to reply to this or pm me, though I'm not on here often.
Reply 3
Original post by Boredom101
Honestly, if the friendship is annoying you then try and talk to him on occasion. Its best you just say you're busy when he asks to meet up with you, so not necessarily no, but just that you're busy (if you haven't tried it).
I think tbh you are such a kind person for caring about his feelings and how what you say would affect him but if its also affecting you then you must
distance yourself and try and talk on occasion that is if you don't have the heart to tell him upfront.
Its better to talk to him from a distance instead of eventually blowing and getting annoyed at him one day and that would eventually tarnish your relationship.
I hope this helped :smile:

Thanks a lot for your answer! That is what I do. It is hard as he keeps sending me messages, he sees I'm online on whattsp and he knows I'm sort of ignoring him. He asks like "Are you free tomorrow to go to a vegan place to eat some vegan pizza? there is a nice place in your town." ... it's like he is ready to come here I say I'm too busy, two days later he suggests something else... "Do you like to go to the beach this weekend...." or something like that... he even asks my boyfriend if it's ok to meet all of us somewhere....
It is hard to keep ignoring him when he acts that way and I don't want to hurt him.

Original post by RedProphet13
I would talk to him about the people around him and help him find a friend quite passively, and then once you've helped him make a friend to take some of the weight off of your shoulders, slowly move down to a level of interaction that you're comfortable with. Sudden changes may upset him, so that's why I say slowly, but you're the one with experience in understanding him so I'd leave that judgement call ultimately up to experience.

The other thing is, from what I know of my friends with Asperger's, he's clingy because he likes you and if he feels like he's losing you as a friend he'll either reach out or just be upset. Just because you want less strain on the relationship doesn't mean you need to erase the relationship, and understanding that and acting with it in mind is something that you'll do that'll make it easier for both of you.

Finally, at any point along the line, a frank discussion with him about how he feels towards you is worth a try. My girlfriend had a similar experience with our mutual friend who likes her, and she literally just explained that she wasn't interested in him in that way, that she liked who he was and wanted him around as a friend but that she just didn't feel like sex or a relationship would work well for them, so she wouldn't do it.

Then he just sort of dealt with that issue internally, and yeah it upset him but it was better than letting him obsess and make up ideas about her reciprocating the feelings or anything. Since then it's not been a problem, but he's more cautious about what he says or does and gets really annoyed with himself if he upsets her, which I think is a call for attention because he's that kind of person, which is okay.

I hope this helped and if you have any more questions feel free to reply to this or pm me, though I'm not on here often.


He knows I am not interetsed in him. He knows I have no problem with him as a friend. He knows we can share some personal things as well and I trust him with a lot of things, it did make him feel good when I talked about my past and some emotional things... I know he is not a good support, nor that I needed him as a support, but someone who knows things about me and it made him feel he worth it as a friend, when really he can't be a close friend like that, just can't. I tried to teach him how he should react to things like that in dates, but no use. I know his brain works differently.

He wants to get a girlfriend, he dates smart girls he meets online, most don't really understand what Asperger's is and are shocked or freaked out in the date. I tried to help him explain it, it doesn't really work. Other girls he dated are just girls for one night and even then usually nothing works because he can be so annoying talking about his limited interests. He can talk for hours about physic theories and Marvel comics....

I don't really want him around... at least now. And he needs a friend to talk to, mostly rant about his miserable life, get a hug and talk about Game of Thrones and Marvel.... That will make him happy.
Reply 4
Original post by kevUk
I have asd and Asperger classified kids, they are beautiful people. if you are too ugly to appreciate people who are different you are a BIGOT.

its as simple as that, YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN THEM! if you judge them as inferior then that is as bad as Nazi's who express religious or racial hatred and you are scum, IMO.


Never go full aspie in response to someone having a sincere problem with another aspie
Original post by kevUk
I have asd and Asperger classified kids, they are beautiful people. if you are too ugly to appreciate people who are different you are a BIGOT.

its as simple as that, YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN THEM! if you judge them as inferior then that is as bad as Nazi's who express religious or racial hatred and you are scum, IMO.


You've obviously not read the OP at all.

I've found myself in a similar situation to the OP. (I'm Autistic and so was he) We're now longer friends because he was so clingy. I remember having to fake being ill because I didn't want to meet him. With most people, it's just "I'm sorry, I can't do tomorrow", "ok, cool, we'll do some other time". But not him. He wouldn't take no for an answer.
Original post by kevUk
YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN THEM! if you judge them as inferior then that is as bad as Nazi's who express religious or racial hatred and you are scum, IMO.


me tryna figure out how you linked her trying to be considerate of the guys feelings to nazism.


Attachment not found
Reply 7
Original post by kevUk
I have asd and Asperger classified kids, they are beautiful people. if you are too ugly to appreciate people who are different you are a BIGOT.

its as simple as that, YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN THEM! if you judge them as inferior then that is as bad as Nazi's who express religious or racial hatred and you are scum, IMO.
I don't even know if I should respond after you trying to play the Nazi card with me....

I very appriciate him and feel very bad for treating him that way, I just can't explain that I can't talk to him right now emotionally because it is draining a lot of my powers.
I tried to explain it to him, it is imposible to do that in a regular way, not because he is annoying, because he is annoying because his brain works differently. I can't explain emotional things to him in a way he will understand it the right way and not get hurt.

Original post by Tiger Rag
You've obviously not read the OP at all.

I've found myself in a similar situation to the OP. (I'm Autistic and so was he) We're now longer friends because he was so clingy. I remember having to fake being ill because I didn't want to meet him. With most people, it's just "I'm sorry, I can't do tomorrow", "ok, cool, we'll do some other time". But not him. He wouldn't take no for an answer.


Exactly, he just understands it differently. He doesn't even realize he's being annoying, and I can't just say it to him.

Usually I just explain people my problems or conditions so they will understand it because I am aware of my conditions, he is not really aware of what his asperger's is in compare to a certain norm.
(edited 6 years ago)
Reply 8
I guess this is no different to other situations where one side wants more. Make it clear what you're up for and what you're not and if he doesn't accept it cut ties. Or perhaps procure or invent a bf that then preculudes all the options he suggests. Sometimes I think you have to be harsh to get someone to move on and seek something that will work out for them. He will hate it at the time but in hindsight may understand.
Reply 9
Original post by Kathy89
I have a friend, a former colleague, who has Asperger's. He is nice and funny but very very annoying.
- He has no real friends, and when we used to work together we talked a lot, even personal things.
- He is obsessed with finding a girlfriend or a girl to have sex with. I made it very clear that I am not interested in him that way, even though I am polyamorous (a great mistake was telling him that thing).
- We used to go out together (as friends, with other friends of ours). Now when we live in different cities, not too far away he keeps nugging me about meeting and going somewhere. I really don't want to. It is hard for me.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends with Asperger's I understand he is different and he may not see signs, I don't want to upset him or hurt him by saying I don't want to talk with him anymore, but it is very hard communicating with him. He has no tact (understandable), he can't accept no as an answer, he knows that I don't want to go out with him to the movie, so he asks if something else perhaps would be good. Sometimes I end up saying ok, then have to suffer communicating with him. He keeps talking about his failure in dates and etc. He is smart, but very socially awkward.

How do I get rid of him in a nice way? I'd like to help him, I'd like to make him happy, but now I am not there emotionally to even talk with him. I can't say that to him because it will make him feel worse. I am not in a bad situation emotionally, just tired of a lot of things going on, good things, but still I am too tired for him. I feel he feels I'm sort of ignoring him, and I feel guilty....
What should I do?
Tell him you find it stressful talking to him and that you need time to yourself. Then stop replying to any of his messages, maybe even block him on whatever sites/whatever you use.

That way he knows why you're not talking (which as an AS would piss him off no end if you didn't tell him) and you're not having to try and handle him.
Original post by Zarek
I guess this is no different to other situations where one side wants more. Make it clear what you're up for and what you're not and if he doesn't accept it cut ties. Or perhaps procure or invent a bf that then preculudes all the options he suggests. Sometimes I think you have to be harsh to get someone to move on and seek something that will work out for them. He will hate it at the time but in hindsight may understand.


She has a bf. But it doesn't appear to have made any difference.
Reply 11
Original post by Tiger Rag
She has a bf. But it doesn't appear to have made any difference.

Maybe she should bring her bf along for the meet ups and see if that diminishes his interest..
Original post by kevUk
I have asd and Asperger classified kids, they are beautiful people. if you are too ugly to appreciate people who are different you are a BIGOT.

its as simple as that, YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN THEM! if you judge them as inferior then that is as bad as Nazi's who express religious or racial hatred and you are scum, IMO.


Your accusations are incorrect
I've been in a very similar situation myself! I tried telling him I wasn't interested outright on several occasions but that didn't stop him messaging me everyday (really!) asking me to go out with him. Honestly the only advice is to completely ignore it - it's what I have resulted to.

I too found it very difficult to reject him - I know what it's like being an aspie but that is no excuse for him making you miserable, it can be hard to accept but in the long run it is best. I know for a fact that even though I haven't seen my aspie friend in almost 4 years he still frequently talks about me to his family. I believe it is the obsessive streak which causes this and trust me being gentle (or even blunt) does not seem to enter their heads
Reply 14
Original post by Tootles
Tell him you find it stressful talking to him and that you need time to yourself. Then stop replying to any of his messages, maybe even block him on whatever sites/whatever you use.

That way he knows why you're not talking (which as an AS would piss him off no end if you didn't tell him) and you're not having to try and handle him.
I don't want to hurt him that way. I tell him I am busy, I don't want to tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore (which is not true, just not now).

Original post by Tiger Rag
She has a bf. But it doesn't appear to have made any difference.

Original post by Zarek
Maybe she should bring her bf along for the meet ups and see if that diminishes his interest..

He knows I have a boyfriend, he knows him as well. He also knows I am polyamorous, which is strange to him but he understands I am dating other guys and he knows I am not interested in dating him, just hanging out as a friend. Right now I can't do even that.

Original post by Abby3112
I've been in a very similar situation myself! I tried telling him I wasn't interested outright on several occasions but that didn't stop him messaging me everyday (really!) asking me to go out with him. Honestly the only advice is to completely ignore it - it's what I have resulted to.

I too found it very difficult to reject him - I know what it's like being an aspie but that is no excuse for him making you miserable, it can be hard to accept but in the long run it is best. I know for a fact that even though I haven't seen my aspie friend in almost 4 years he still frequently talks about me to his family. I believe it is the obsessive streak which causes this and trust me being gentle (or even blunt) does not seem to enter their heads

It seems you are right, but I can't hurt him that way. He is sad already about not having enough friends and not having female friends at all (I am the only one).
Original post by Kathy89
I don't want to hurt him that way. I tell him I am busy, I don't want to tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore (which is not true, just not now).
I don't know if you knew this, but us aspies are more emptionally resilient that people give us credit for. It sounds to me a little like you're only friends with him anyway because you're sorry for him not having anyone else.
Reply 16
Original post by Tootles
I don't know if you knew this, but us aspies are more emptionally resilient that people give us credit for. It sounds to me a little like you're only friends with him anyway because you're sorry for him not having anyone else.

No. But you have a point. I do feel sorry for him, but he is also a nice guy and it is fun talking to him about common interests... just now I am not in the right state to talk with him.
Reply 17
Original post by Kathy89
I don't want to hurt him that way. I tell him I am busy, I don't want to tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore (which is not true, just not now).



He knows I have a boyfriend, he knows him as well. He also knows I am polyamorous, which is strange to him but he understands I am dating other guys and he knows I am not interested in dating him, just hanging out as a friend. Right now I can't do even that.


Tell him you've turned monogamous.

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