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Anon_98's final a level journey

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Reply 580
Final weekend update (sun) - 15/04/2018

23:35 - so i made a thread today bc i just needed help and it didn't even help me bc i just didn't do my work. most of my update for today is in the thread:

https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5306478

everyone's been truly amazing really, more support than i ever expected but then i feel really annoying that i quoted everyone every time i was posting bc it's just so annoying and humiliating and no one wants to read that.

the problem is, the fact i have a deadline is not going into my stupid head, like i'm stressing but none of it feels real and so i'm not even panicking myself into productivity like i usually would.

i'm just crying and i don't even know what i'm doing tbh.

this is so dumb.

i'm actually the dumbest person i know.

the pressure just isn't sinking in. it feels hollow and la-di-dah.

lol, oh ****ing **** me.

i can't believe this is happening. ok great. just great.

i'm so tired and sad.

i don't know what i'm doing for the rest of the night bc i just don't know. here's my crappy graph.


Reply 581
16/04/2018

Well, it's 1am and I'm writing this bc I just am. I've been a huge mess today and I think my emotions were far too strong to be overcome. And it was like the most important day to study and I managed very little. To say I am disappointed would be pathetic and so I'm just lost for words really. I can't really go into the details of why I can't ask for an extension despite it being an internal deadline bc it's too personal to post on here and I post a hell of a lot of personal **** without care so I think that says a bit.

Anyway, I'm awfully tired and I don't think I can try much more after today. Like, I was already on the brink of throwing in the towel and I hoped by creating a thread to motivate me, I would get motivated and feel less apathetic and i hoped the entire thing would hit me full force but all I've gained from it is a broken foot. I've nothing left to give towards my a levels. And I'm not going to get the grade I want and it's my own fault so whatever.

I am so sad today and I feel so out of it and disconnected and distant and so horrid + I just don't really know what to do with myself. I'm so tired of having bad days which I can't deal with.

I have decided i'm going to bed and that's definitely the wrong decision bc this was a compulsory deadline and I won't be attending first lesson tomorrow bc I need more sleep than what I would get if I did attend.

I don't know what I'm going to do about all the work. I don't know what I'm going to say. I honestly don't know.

No one can help me but me and it's fine. I'll be fine with whatever consequence I'm bound to receive. I can't really think clearly so yeah, I don't know. I'm just so tired. I'm so so tired like so tired of being alive.

Yesterday I thought was losing. Well today, I lost.
Reply 582
16/04/2018

Hi, okay so I've almost finished my coursework.

I woke up really really early and I've finished my entire essay now and sorted out the layout and everything and it's on 3028 words and it's on my USB. It was meant to be 3000 words but I'm sure those extra 28 words won't matter. If they do then I can just erase a sentence and whatever.

I've also completed almost all of my annotations, just need to do a few more and I'll be completely done with this. But I'm gonna get ready really quickly so I can get to college bc I still need to print it all. I'll write the rest of them whilst I'm travelling and hopefully they'll be done by the time I arrive. Texted my friend and she is gonna help me cut and stick and hopefully four hands will ensure I get it done before the lesson.

The comments on the thread I made yesterday absolutely got me through. I'm so grateful, kept re-reading them to remember all the good stuff.

I also need to speak to my personal tutor before class so I can cry.

Lolololol I guess I did it.

My next deadline for my second sketchbook is on the 30th april. Listen if I repeat this kinda bs, I swear I'm going to disown myself.
Reply 583
Update for 16/04/2018

17:56 - Okay so today has been a really hectic daaay. It ended up taking me up until 4pm to complete my work and I didn't end up going to any of my lessons.

So I arrived at college, got some lunch then started doing some work.

I realised I still needed to do my evaluation, and the cutting and sticking was taking way longer than I thought so about halfway through, my friend needed to leave me to get to her own lesson.

I decided not to go to mine bc I still had so much to do. The plan I made at that point was to complete all my work then hand it in at the end of the day. Like, I knew my photography tutor would be angry if I didn't show up but he'd be angry regardless so felt that was the best decision to make.

So obviously since I was about to miss a lesson, I needed to talk to my personal tutor about it so she'd be on my side. She agreed that not going was the best decision and whilst I was working in the study area, she frequently popped by to ask how I was doing which was encouraging.

Was just writing up some annotations when I received a missed call and voicemail from the head of department. He was basically telling me to get to lesson asap bc he'd apparently seen me around college. How funny. Obviously photography tutor told him I wasn't there which is why he was on my case but I absolutely ignored it cause I knew I was doing the right thing.

Carried on working up until 4pm when I eventually finished my work. I was literally so pleased.

Made my way to the photography block, left my laminated and binded essay along with sketchbook on his desk and put a sticky note on it saying I'd completed everything.

But yeah, it's done.. it's actually all done. I had no gaps left or anything like that and I'm so pleased oh my life.

So basically this project I've just handed in is worth 60% and the exam project I've simultaneously been doing which is due in 2 weeks is worth 40%.

Taking a nap and infact taking the whole evening off bc I've been up since a ridiculous hour trying to power through this coursework at crazy speed and I'm so knackered.

I'll spend the rest of today sorting out some important bits to compensate for the fact I'm not studying. Like student finance, maybe finally pick my uni options and also sort out my accommodation.

The moral of this story is do not spend all of your easter holidays doing english. Glad we learnt it was a bad decision.

You are amazing. That is all. Well done you :hugs:
Reply 585
17/04/2018

School was alright, short. Currently having some crackers + cheese for lunch. I'm gonna chill for a bit cause I've got a driving lesson at 3pm, then I'll do some work when I get back.

Plans:

- art annotations.
Original post by Anon_98
17/04/2018

School was alright, short. Currently having some crackers + cheese for lunch. I'm gonna chill for a bit cause I've got a driving lesson at 3pm, then I'll do some work when I get back.

Plans:

- art annotations.


The™ a
Reply 587
Update for 17/04/2018

16:14 - driving was good today.

20:19 - oh my, I was so tired when I got back from my lesson today and I've just woken up from a long nap. I've been sleeping since around 4:45 and I can't believe I've wasted my entire evening. I was so tired though, don't totally regret it, it was a good one.

22:41 - Ok so I think I've finally done my student finance, I couldn't be bothered to do it yesterday but uhh it was so hard to do.. it was so long and so ugggh. I'm also a bit annoyed with myself bc I left sorting out my accommodation too late and basically the relatively cheap and on campus hall ones have been taken up and all the accommodation that is left atm is either crazy expensive and off campus but not too far, or superrr off campus but not too expensive, or on campus but shared bathroom. I don't really know what I'm going to go with but I'll make a decision by tomorrow. I can't do it now bc my login details aren't working so I'll need to ring the people up to get it fixed. Talking of ringing people up.. I can't believe I still haven't sorted out that doctors appointment.. am I ever going to find it in me to do this or will I just keep nervously mentioning it then proceed to do nothing until the next time I nervously mention it.

22:50 - hi it seems i'm living off jacobs and pre-sliced cheddar today and i'm not sorry.

23:27 - Alright well I think that's all for today. I didn't end up doing any work but that's okay tbh bc I was tired. I'll try and put my free periods tomorrow to good use to make up for it, I don't usually use them wisely. Well, ever really and it's primarily bc I can't study at sixth form but I'll try.

I'd just like to share my study stats today though. I noticed yesterday that my average time per week had increased to just above 9hrs. Do you remember when it was around the 6hr region? Well, I do and I'm quite proud of myself. Also looking forward to see what it'll be once this year is over. Goodbye for now.

Keep at it! I believez \m/
People think shared bathrooms are the end of the world but they really aren't that bad :hugs:
Original post by Anon_98




1 hour 56 min per day average
yet 9 hours 10 min per week? a week of what? 4.74137931 days?
Reply 591
So I can't sleep bc the accommodation stuff is stressing me out.

Let's just go through the options.

A) On campus flat style halls with shared bathroom.

Basically, the shared bathrooms wouldn't be too bad if I felt like people would keep it up to my standard but I don't think they will. My standard isn't crazy high I just like everything being in its place and I'm not prepared for other people's toothbrushes in my space. I'm not prepared for other people's hair in my space. I'm not prepared for walking on a wet floor and trying to find my face in a steamy mirror that isn't created by me. The bathroom is really important to me bc I always like it looking clean and i like to take really long showers and like showering in the morning or infact whenever I want and what if someone's in there when I need to shower. Or what if I'm in there and taking up someone's time. Most importantly, sharing a bathroom with a whole floor of 17 year olds who have just come out the womb makes me want to drop out already. They will probably end up being sick in there and make a mess of it or something and I wouldn't be able to live without cleaning it up and I don't want to be the resident cleaner or something but I'll end up being just that. They might not wash away their sins and I wouldn't be able to cope. Best case scenario, no one is sick in there and everyone has a bottle of bleach and takes it in turns to scrub but it's just stressing me out. Like, what if I'm the one that wants to be sick in there.

B) Off campus flat style halls with ensuite.

This isn't bad at all. Like, I now think that might be a lot better for me than the on campus communal corridors type halls I was initially going to pick. I appreciate my own space and like sitting on the bathroom mats in peace and I've totally forgotten what it feels like for people to knock on the bathroom door. I haven't really shared a bathroom in ages. Do you think people in a shared bathroom would knock on the bathroom door. That would stress me out. That's rude. People might be rude. I don't want to feel pressured whilst I'm having a wee. The only problem is the fact what if I don't get on with the few people I'm put with, I'll be stuck with them, I don't know how it works and don't know if it's as easy to venture out to meet other people in other flats as it would be in a normal on campus hall. How could I not get on with them though. The meeting new people thing is stressing me out bc I love meeting new people and I want to be friends with absolutely everyone but what if living so far off campus will prevent that. What if I can't be friends with everyone bc I'm so far away. I really want to be friends with everyone. Being off campus might be better bc it'll mean I get to take in more of the city and not always swamped in the uni bubble. But the uni bubble might want to swamp me. What if I love being swamped. Also I don't know how much stuff I'll have to lug around if I'm off-campus. I'm a very weak individual. This off campus accomodation is all luxurious and stylish and really, I'd rather not pay over £7000 for it when I'd prefer something basic.

C) Same as above but it's a little simpler, still not as basic as on campus stuff but less expensive than B. However, it's also more far away than B.

Oh I truly don't know. Hopefully I'll know by the morning. Please can we sleep now.
Reply 592
18/04/2018

I don't want to seem like I'm making a fuss over it when I could just suck it up and save money. Besides, best case scenario I would have some funny horror stories to share. Who knows it might be an absolute experience. Maybe I should just bear grylls it out.

Basically what was happening was every time I thought of 'shared bathrooms', my brain would translate it as 'stray pubes' and I'd internally cry.

Tbh I realised last night that I was just thinking of the worst possible outcomes and I don't know if I'm being dramatic. I feel like I'm being dramatic. I don't want to come across as dramatic. Concept of sharing with boys just stresses me out, not to be sexist or snobby but I'm assuming they'll be messier and if someone forgets to put the toilet seat down that would be awful. What if they don't aim right and pee everywhere bc they're not house trained. I think I would die. I've never properly shared a bathroom with a man in my entire life and I would probably die.

Not sharing reduces germs and the mere thought of germs everywhere makes me very sad. But then again I have stayed in a hostel before and adjusted fine, that wasn't too bad at all, like the worst thing that happened was hair on the floor and it was annoying and disgusting but bearable and got over it pretty quickly so I guess it'd be exactly like that but for a whole year.

I think it's a bit different when it's a whole year though. Like, that's your home.

I don't even know how much money I'll get from finance people yet and it's worrying me. But like I don't want to be excessive, literally just want something cheap and cheerful and who cares if I would prefer walking from the shower to the wardrobe in a towel.

I don't know, maybe I do care.

Btw the shared bathroom accommodation would be a single bed and I can't remember the last time I had a single bed and I'm just worried I'll fall off. Like, the transition from a queen to a single actually scares me.

I am so tired right now cause I was stressing out loads last night about everything and didn't get to sleep till about 4am and consequently made myself feel really ill.

Well, school was alright. I only went in for one lesson. The weather is absolutely glorious today. Bit too hot but I am loving it.

I'm going to chill + get some food then I'll get started. Need to make a decision soon and also need to do lots of work today pls.

Plans:

- art annotations.
Reply 593
Update for 18/04/2018

18:27 - Ok so change of plan, I'm going to do an embroidery study bc I need to do art work and I want to listen to music at the same time.

22:43 - Took me absolutely ages to get started but I've been sewing whilst taking frequent breaks and I'm happy with it so far. Only like 1/10 way through though lol.

00:21 - I took a mega long break cause I needed to make my dinner + stuff. I've now consumed it and I'm tired so I think I'll continue with my piece in class tomorrow.

01:08 - Ok well need to work a lot harder tomorrow bc I was trying to sort out my planner + realised that my next sketchbook deadline is in 8 days and that means that this coming weekend is my last weekend left to complete that work and I have so much to do. Like so much. I still need to do an entire final shoot and it's gonna be in film which means darkroom work and darkroom work takes ages in itself bc you need to develop and process all your photographs and I don't think I have enough days for it. I haven't finished doing any of my edits from my previous 4 shoots, haven't done any annotations whatsoever either, it's actually gonna be crazy. Have a 15hr exam on the 30th then I'll be done with the entire photography course on 2nd may.

Then I have another deadline on the 8th for my sketchbook. That's an art deadline and I need to still do a lot for art. So many drawings and annotations and still have research to do and need to still go on a photoshoot. Then another 15hr exam for art. Then I'll be done with art by 10th may I think. Gonna be a very hectic few weeks. I'm so worried I won't get it all done. I am extremely worried. I don't know how I'm going to do it, honestly. Esp at the pace I'm currently working at..

01:10 - Ok so I didn't manage to make a decision regarding my accommodation. Tbh, I don't even want to think about it anymore, it's stressing me out + I absolutely don't know what to go for. I don't know what to choose. I'll try and do it tomorrow. Until then, goodnight.

Reply 594
Honestly i'm so stressed out about this accommodation thing. I don't even know why I'm getting this stressed out about it bc there's really no reason to be, I'm crying so much and I'm so sad bc I can't make a decision and I just would like someone to make a decision for me. I'd really like it if someone just told me exactly what to do. Yesterday night I was on the brink of vomiting for hours and I'm feeling all feverish and horribly shaky all over again and I've got a headache + I'm really not happy + really not up for that again. I think it'd just be easier creating a poll at this point and going for the majority vote so I could stop feeling like this. It just hurts + it's making me feel really pathetic. I don't even know what to do with myself.
If I were you I'd go for the further one. You get your own space, it's cheaper and as long as you can still easily get to and from uni it's absolutely fine. You can still do everything everyone else can do and I think you would prefer it. Most people live off campus after first year and anyway you can decide when it comes to that :smile:

You'll get it all done. Baby steps :hugs: we can have a crazy few weeks together and then we're both (almost) free :smile:
Yep, I think I agree with @furryface12. How much further is "more far away"? Would you maybe be able to cycle?
I would advise strongly against spending £7000 on accommodation :redface: especially as you don't know what SF you are going to get yet :nope:
Reply 598
19/04/2018

I am loving the sun, it's been way too hot today but I love it.

One of the most precious things about summer is how many compliments you receive for the outfit you're wearing. Felt so validated at sixth form all day. It honestly gives me life. I went to a cafe with some friends after college and the barista complimented my outfit too and we ended up having a very long conversation about clothes and she was fab, highlight of my day. Love when random people make me feel so cute + confident.

Sixth form itself was okay, I hand-stitched in art class but didn't get far. So I'll continue with it this evening.

I've just read the comments + going to take all the advice that you've all given me, it's really helped + thank you lots. I wanted to ask my sibling for help but she hasn't been available all week + it's so so annoying. Didn't really want to ask anyone other than her bc I tend to go on about things which worry me for ages + didn't want to bother anyone but I might have to just so I can finalise this. But yeah, I'm going to try and do this tonight. I found another option right now, option D which seems ok, it's off campus and similar to C, well only ever so slightly more expensive, but it's as close as B which is good. Also, I've been getting so confused over the details of each place bc I've been looking at so many. The only thing I don't really understand is the deposit price as opposed to the application fee. Like, why do some have application fees as well as deposit prices, just annoying for no reason, and is the '5/6 weeks before start of contract' included in the entire cost stated or a separate thing. I don't like the weird one off internet fees either. So many questions so few answers. I'll hopefully get this done today.

Alright well I'm gonna try and figure this all out and sort it out so I don't ever have to think about it again, then I'm going to take a shower, then I'm going to study and hopefully finally make dinner bc I'm starving.

Plans:

- continue embroidery piece.
- art annotations.
the booking fee is really annoying i agree :/ i think my booking fee was £50, unfortunately you dont get this back :frown: its more to claim the room, first come (paid) first served kind of thing :smile:
the deposit is different (think mine was £100 cant remember :colondollar:), if you keep the room clean and stuff and dont break anything then at the end you get it back or in some places it just rollls over to next year if you are staying there again :smile: they would only take it if they needed to do repairs (its how they pay for them)
some places have a first rent instalment in the summer (this is annoying because its before SFE comes in :/) however this is part of your rent not an added fee :smile:

:hugs:

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