The Student Room Group

How do I come out as gay at school? My friends won't accept it.

I'm 16, male and I started year 12 last week. I wanted to come out on results day but as I got called in early for having 1 of the 4 best sets of GCSE results (mine were the best), I had my picture taken for the local newspaper and didn't want horrible comments on the online article. I know I'm gay, I've had sex with guys and girls and love it with guys, detest it with girls. None of my friends know I'm gay or that I've had sex with guys, they all think I'm straight.

I'm one of the most popular people in my school and I go to a male single-sex school. I'm captain of the school rugby team and I'm very sporty in general. In the first few days of year 12 last week, my friends were making homophobic comments in general (they always have done), I know they won't accept it. I don't want to keep my sexuality secret anymore, what do I do? I've already told my parents and they're both very supportive. Thanks.

Edit: I'm also scared I won't be able to play rugby anymore if the team doesn't want to play with me because I'm gay.
(edited 6 years ago)

Scroll to see replies

Original post by Bionicstar
I'm 16 and I started year 12 last week. I wanted to come out on results day but as I got called in early for having one of the 4 best sets of GCSE results (mine were the best), I had my picture taken for the local newspaper, I didn't want horrible comments on it. I know I'm gay, I've had sex with guys and girls and love it with guys, detest it with girls. None of my friends know I'm gay or that I've had sex with guys.

I'm one of the most polpular people in my school and I go to a male single-sex school. I'm captain of the school rugby team and I'm very sporty in general. In the first few days of year 12 last week, my friends were making homophobic comments in general (they always have done), I know they won't accept it. I don't want to keep my sexuality secret anymore, what do I do? Thanks.


As a straight guy, I wouldn't know what it feels like to come out, but man must it take balls. Having said that, if your friends don't appreciate that and refuse to accept you for who you are, they were never friends anyway.

If they're saying things like 'fag' or 'queer' then they could be using these words as alternatives to '****' or 'tosser', for example. There may be no malice intended, you know?

You got this.
Reply 2
Original post by harrythomas14
As a straight guy, I wouldn't know what it feels like to come out, but man must it take balls. Having said that, if your friends don't appreciate that and refuse to accept you for who you are, they were never friends anyway.

If they're saying things like 'fag' or 'queer' then they could be using these words as alternatives to '****' or 'tosser', for example. There may be no malice intended, you know?

You got this.


Thank you, I really want to come out on Monday because I can't stand hiding it anymore. They say those sorts of insults and worse, so I'm not sure if no malice is intended. I'm scared I won't be able to play rugby anymore if the team doesn't want to play with me because I'm gay.
(edited 6 years ago)
I would expect them to take the mic first but they will gradually accept it. Don't worry too much but it will take a lot of CONFIDENCE to tell them.
Reply 4
You don't have to come out if you don't want to. If you do, then your friend shouldn't care about your sexuality. You are, who you are. It shouldn't be relevant to them.

If it is, then you don't need friends like them anyway.

Plus, it's school majority of friendships don't last anyway.

EDIT: Just saw your post about Rugby, it should be fine. Don't worry too much! Majority of people are very accepting of gays, in comparison to the past.
(edited 6 years ago)
Reply 5
Original post by Ishax
You don't have to come out if you don't want to. If you do, then your friend shouldn't care about your sexuality. You are, who you are. It shouldn't be relevant to them.

If it is, then you don't need friends like them anyway.

Plus, it's school majority of friendships don't last anyway.

EDIT: Just saw your post about Rugby, it should be fine. Don't worry too much! Majority of people are very accepting of gays, in comparison to the past.




Thank you, I really want to come out on Monday; I won't be able to stand 2 more years of hiding. I really still want to be able to play, but being able to be myself is more important to me, so if I can't play I'll just have to deal with it :frown:
(edited 6 years ago)
Reply 6
Original post by Bionicstar
Thank you, I really want to come out; I won't be able to stand 2 more years of hiding. I really still want to be able to play, but being able to be myself is more important to me, so if I can't play I'll just have to deal with it :frown:


Have you thought about speaking to a teacher you like or trust? That way, they can give you specified information as I don't know your school personally. Sorry, if this comes out the wrong way, but are there other gays or lesbians you could speak to for advice or will you be the only gay?

I don't think you need to announce it though, but if anyone asks just say you're gay. See, what happens?
Original post by Bionicstar
Thank you, I really want to come out on Monday because I can't stand hiding it anymore. They say those sorts of insults and worse, so I'm not sure if no malice is intended. I'm scared I won't be able to play rugby anymore if the team doesn't want to play with me because I'm gay.


No worries, pal.

You being the captain of the team would imply that you're one of if not the best in the team. If anything, they're refusal to play with you would be a detriment to them, surely? They'll be at a loss with their best player gone, whilst you can go and find another rugby team.

Also, if they think you'll try it on with them now it's out in the open, tell them not to flatter themselves, and remind them that you are no different than the person and player you were before you came out.

Also, asking your friends to stop using homophobic language after coming out is a perfectly reasonable request - you may even find that it happens naturally after you start to tell people.
Reply 8
Original post by Ishax
Have you thought about speaking to a teacher you like or trust? That way, they can give you specified information as I don't know your school personally. Sorry, if this comes out the wrong way, but are there other gays or lesbians you could speak to for advice or will you be the only gay?

I don't think you need to announce it though, but if anyone asks just say you're gay. See, what happens?


That's a good idea, I'll talk to one of my teachers I get on well with on Monday and see what they say. I think I'd have to announce it because my friends are all into very typical straight things and ways of acting, I don't want to put on that charade anymore. I'll be the only gay, nobody else I know of is gay at school.



Thanks very much :smile:

Original post by harrythomas14
No worries, pal. You being the captain of the team would imply that you're one of if not the best in the team. If anything, they're refusal to play with you would be a detriment to them, surely? They'll be at a loss with their best player gone, whilst you can go and find another rugby team. Also, if they think you'll try it on with them now it's out in the open, tell them not to flatter themselves, and remind them that you are no different than the person and player you were before you came out. Also, asking your friends to stop using homophobic language after coming out is a perfectly reasonable request - you may even find that it happens naturally after you start to tell people.


Yeah by all accounts I'm the best in the team, I hope they wouldn't want to lose me as a player. That's really good advice, I'll tell them not to flatter themselves and I'll tell them not to say anything homophobic. I could join another team outside of school if they don't want me to play, but I really love playing for my school. Thank you.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by Bionicstar
That's a good idea, I'll talk to one of my teachers I get on well with on Monday and see what they say. I think I'd have to announce it because my friends are all into very typical straight things and ways of acting, I don't want to put on that charade anymore. I'll be the only gay, nobody else I know of is gay at school.



Thanks very much :smile:


I'm not sure how great an idea announcing you're gay is
I'm a gay girl as well. Though I never had to come out I know it's very difficult to feel that you're hiding who you are or lying but you actually aren't doing that. Just try to think about it first and if it's not the perfect time then it's okay to wait.
Original post by Bionicstar
That's a good idea, I'll talk to one of my teachers I get on well with on Monday and see what they say. I think I'd have to announce it because my friends are all into very typical straight things and ways of acting, I don't want to put on that charade anymore. I'll be the only gay, nobody else I know of is gay at school.

Thanks very much :smile:


Oh, never mind then. Yeah, just speak to your teacher and see what they advise :smile:

I don't think you should announce it though, just tell your friends only.
(edited 6 years ago)
Original post by Bionicstar
Yeah by all accounts I'm the best in the team, I hope they wouldn't want to lose me as a player. That's really good advice, I'll tell them not to flatter themselves and I'll tell them not to say anything homophobic. I could join another team outside of school if they don't want me to play, but I really love playing for my school. Thank you.


No worries, my friend - my messages are always open if you need me.
Reply 13
Original post by harrythomas14
No worries, my friend - my messages are always open if you need me.


Thanks, I'll message you if I need to.
Original post by Bionicstar
That's a good idea, I'll talk to one of my teachers I get on well with on Monday and see what they say. I think I'd have to announce it because my friends are all into very typical straight things and ways of acting, I don't want to put on that charade anymore. I'll be the only gay, nobody else I know of is gay at school.


Lotta kids decide they're gay and so they feel they have to act a specific way.

Just to let you know: "Acting gay" isn't a thing you have to worry about. If you're gay, that is not your single defining characteristic..

Maybe you'll suddenly burst in to showtunes(I like Wicked and Hamilton, as well as a few others), but you don't have to if you don't want to. Maybe you'll suddenly put on super-sparkley eye-makeup and, if you do, you will be fabulous. But you don't have to.. Maybe you'll suddenly get a cutting, acerbic wit. Maybe you won't.

The point is, you do you. You aren't a different person if you're straight or if you're gay. You can like American Football if you're gay. You can like showtunes if you're straight.

Don't get so determined to throw off one mask that you put on another. Just be you - If you like something, continue to like it. If you don't like something, continue not to like it.

As for whether or not you will be able to play rugby, I don't know where you are or what your school is like. Maybe they get super-mean, in which case when you go off to Uni you'll not have to put up with that any more. Maybe they'll just surround you with positive vibes. Either way, they don't define you. You do, and whatever you do over the next few years is going to be amazing.
Why do you have to come out at school...? Why does anyone have to know what you do with your genitals at your place of study..? Don't ask don't tell. You don't even have to expose you're gay, I don't get it...

And what exactly is coming out, a big speech in front of a silent audience or something? Isn't coming out just admitting to yourself and possibly loved ones that you're gay? Why do this at school? Doesn't make sense. I wouldn't announce my sex life to strangers, why announce yours?...

Now I'll get out the way cos I can feel the stampede of incoming social justice warriors. :yawn:.
Maybe ask them what they think of LGBT people in general? I know some guys make homophobic jokes but they may not actually mean it. I'm quite surprised actually, I thought this would be less of a problem in 2017. Just out of interest are you from a big city or a countryside? I wouldn't announce it to everyone like a public statement, that's actually quite cringe, I'd start by confiding in a few close friends you know would be okay with it and take it from there :smile:
Reply 17
Original post by Bionicstar
I'm 16, male and I started year 12 last week. I wanted to come out on results day but as I got called in early for having 1 of the 4 best sets of GCSE results (mine were the best), I had my picture taken for the local newspaper and didn't want horrible comments on the online article. I know I'm gay, I've had sex with guys and girls and love it with guys, detest it with girls. None of my friends know I'm gay or that I've had sex with guys, they all think I'm straight.

I'm one of the most popular people in my school and I go to a male single-sex school. I'm captain of the school rugby team and I'm very sporty in general. In the first few days of year 12 last week, my friends were making homophobic comments in general (they always have done), I know they won't accept it. I don't want to keep my sexuality secret anymore, what do I do? I've already told my parents and they're both very supportive. Thanks.

Edit: I'm also scared I won't be able to play rugby anymore if the team doesn't want to play with me because I'm gay.




If I was gay in that situation, I'd stay in the closet tbh......

and school rugby team?

the locker room will be like hell, with constant "backs against the wall" jokes.......
tbh mate, I'm bi, and yes, I've had the odd person, but they just don't understand. I came out to my closest friends first, those who I knew I could talk to about it. and then I told myself other friends, then the rest of the year. and then my family. if you do have any problems, you can either talk to me, or your teachers might be able to help
Reply 19
Bump.

Quick Reply

Latest