Voluntary sexual trauma?

This is a long post, I'm so sorry, there is a TL;DR at the bottom. I really hope someone will help me.

So I was a virgin when my boyfriend and I got together and started having sex. It was really awful and painful. (I now know he was much larger than normal, and I have minor vaginismus, but at the time I thought the problem was all with me)

But he always loved it and said how it made him feel so close to him and like how he felt like he loved me more when we had sex. I tried to tell him that I wasn't really enjoying it, but he looked so sad and upset, I felt bad being the one to ruin it, so I said it was probably just cause we were starting out and I pretended I liked some of it.

But like, as time went on it got worse and worse, and I hated it so much, until I started to get really upset and afraid every time he touched me sexually without warning, or looked at me a certain way, or twisted my words so they were sexual. But again I thought the problem was with me, and he always got really down whenever I seemed uncomfortable, so I usually just pretended to like it. He still seemed worried sometimes, but I always insisted it was fine and we should keep going. It was almost like the more unhappy I got, the better an actor I became.

And like, eventually the sex got violent, and he started to identify with the bdsm community, and he wanted to do all this stuff with ropes and paddles that sounded horrendous. But I was stupid and loved him and again I agreed to it, and I did all this awful stuff, and I found the only way I could get through it was if I dissasociated, and started going to all these places in my head I used to do when I self harmed and I still cry when I think about it for more than a few seconds.

And it was so messed up, I should never have done it because it's got inside my brain now and and I can't get it out. But I thought we'd be together forever and I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend. I thought if I couldn't get over this stuff with him I'd never get through it with anyone.

After two years ago we broke up. And I sort of realised that all of it had been for nothing. And for a long time, I was in a very, very dark place I won't go into the details of. But now, to an extent I'm over him, like I've been dating again for a while, and I have a wonderful new boyfriend who I feel comfortable with. But I just can't scrape him out my mind. It's driving me insane. Sometimes I just still feel his hands on me in the shower, or I can't sleep cause I feel filthy and violated. Or like I get really anxious right before penetration because I'm having flashbacks. One time my friend jokingly whiped another friend with a belt and out of nowhere I just had a panic attack, but I couldn't explain why to them.

And I don't know what to do, because it was so long ago I don't even hang out with any of the same friends I did back then so I don't know how to broach the subject with anyone. And I'm scared to tell my new boyfriend because I feel like saying 'I'm not over my ex' could come out so wrong. But I really have no feelings for him anymore. It's just it's also my new boyfriend's first relationship so I feel bad dumping all this baggage on him. Because I get that it's way too much for anyone to deal with.

And recently my ex has been reaching out like he wants to be friends again. And part of me feels like that could give me closure, like someone I could actually talk to, but also it still freaks me out to talk to him. I feel like him being in my life could just cause me to regress. And I sort of resent him, because even though I never said "no" to anything we did, I feel like maybe he should have seen how uncomfortable I was (because I definitely brought it up a few times) and stopped it way before it got to the stage it did. But I don't know how fair that is. Mostly I just hate myself for ever agreeing to it. And anyway, I don't really want to talk to my ex much when I'm in a new relationship.

I'm just so confused. It's been years. I don't know how to get over this.

TL;DR: I consented to horrendous, painful sex and kink I hated for many years, I can't stop having flashbacks even in a happy relationship.

I'm so sorry about your horrible experience.

Your ex sounds extremely manipulative. The fact that you did occasionally bring up that you weren't enjoying and he responded by guilt tripping you and didn't change his behavior or check on you the next time indicates that he simply didn't care about what you were feeling. You are right to think he should have listened to you and stopped.

I'd argue that it was an abusive relationship - I think it's very unlikely you genuinely convinced him you were having fun, especially if you were regularly dissociating. He certainly showed appalling bdsm practice by not even confirming it was something you were into and presumably not having any in depth conversations about consent and boundaries. I'd advise you keep him out of your life, unless he specifically contacted you in order to apologize.

I think you also have a fundamental problem in terms of how you approach relationships - you prioritize your partner over yourself in a way that's very unhealthy. This was obvious in your relationship with your ex where you did anything he wanted even if you hated it, but it's also showing up in your new relationship. It seems like the primary reason for not telling your boyfriend about your trauma is that it might make him uncomfortable, or be difficult for him to process. It's fine to make your partner uncomfortable if it's something that'll help you recover, relationships should involve mutual emotional support. If your boyfriend is a decent person he'd want to know, so he can help you avoid issues like flashbacks during sex which you say you're having. If you don't think you can talk to him about it do you think you could sent an email or letter? It wouldn't have to be that different from this post.

I'd consider seeing a therapist to help you get over this, especially to increase your self esteem to the point where you don't feel like you have to hide trauma so you don't burden other people.

See I dunno. Honestly it's really hard to remember specific events or anything. I think we did talk about consent sometimes, and we set up safewords and things. Like, on any given night I always felt like I had the choice to back out. And I did sometimes, and he was always supportive and caring. It was more like I felt the overall trend had to be positive. Like if I backed out of three or four sexual things in a row, he started to get really miserable and frustrated. And he never threatened to break up with me over it, but I started to get scared he would. I honestly have no idea how much of it was him manipulating me and how much was my own irrational anxieties. I've wondered once or twice if it was abusive, but I also know I do have people-pleasing problem, and it wouldn't have got half as bad as it did if I'd stood up for myself more.

When it got really bad towards the end (the last few weeks I wouldn't let him touch me at all) he said he'd be willing to try a relationship without sex, but I don't know, I feel pretty confident he wouldnt have lasted very long. He always talked about sex being part of his identity and him needing it to feel loved. What really kinda frustrated me is even if we agreed not to have sex for a bit, he'd still like try and make sexual jokes, or feel me up, or like, rub himself against me in the morning and he'd always stop if I asked him to, but it upset me cause it felt like he was just trying to arouse me so I'd have sex again and not really taking it seriously. And I felt like such a killjoy always asking him to stop so sometimes I just bore it out. But like he was willing to try without it, so I don't think he was trying to be manipulative, even if it maybe was a little bit. (We didn't try, by this point I think I'd given up on being happy with him).

I dunno, like whether it was abusive is like a big weight on my mind. Cause I never really told him in full detail how much I hated it, and I really think if he knew it the true extent of it it would crush him (why it became so hard to come clean near the end) I genuinely don't believe he's a bad person, and I think I was a good liar. I don't want to start claiming nonconsent just because I regret something. But at the same time I dunno, I hear consent is supposed to be enthusiastic, and there are definitely a whole bunch of times I was less than that. It's so hard to remember details though.

I don't know if professional help is really an option for me at the moment, I have very little money and I'm staying in a country without healthcare.

(Thank you so much for both your responses.)