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Sexual tension between friends --UPDATED - REALLY NEED ADVICE
So this is complicated and tbh it has nothing to do with me, I’m really just trying to see what other people think/would do in this situation.
Two of my best friends - a girl (we’ll call her L) and a guy (call him F) have started acting like they are a couple but they keep saying that they are “just friends”.
To be honest I look at them and I see the perfect relationship in the way they respect and care for each other…but they aren’t even a bloody couple!
4 years ago L’s boyfriend died. She went off the rails big time, she got into heavy drugs and developed an eating disorder. I still don’t think she is over his death. She has been through so much drama over the last 4 years and she has done a lot of stupid stuff but all the time F has been there for her, getting her out of trouble and he has been so patient and pretty much saved her life.
He clearly has feelings for her (and he doesn’t deny it) and I think she has feelings for him too.
They live and work together so everyone kind of sees them as a couple anyway.
They share a 3 bed flat together, but sleep in the same bed (when I have stayed over there I have seen the way they sleep and it is like proper snuggled up together, hugging, spooning…all that couply stuff).
He is all over her most of the time. He always has his arms wrapped around her – and she lets him (she hardly ever lets anyone touch her at all so this is a big deal!). There is so much sexual tension between them.
They are both EXTREMELY attractive, very funny, clever, good people – they are perfect for each other. Either of them could probably be with anyone they wanted. He used to have loads of one night stands but now that has all stopped and they are both single.
It’s like they are subconsciously a couple (and faithful to each other) but they won’t admit that they are a couple.
I don’t think she WANTS to have feelings for him, but from the way they look at each other and the way they act they look like they are completely in love.
I KNOW he has feelings for her but I’m not sure if she really reciprocates beyond friendship- although she seems to…I can’t be sure.
She is really reluctant to talk about it, but from what she has said I get the impression that she doesn’t mind being relationshippy with him, but she just doesn’t want to have sex with him. So basically she seems to think that by not making the relationship “official” she can get all the love and support out of the relationship without him expecting anything sexual.
He’s a great guy. He would never push her into anything and he would understand and he would help her get through whatever her issues are about sex (maybe she feels like it is cheating on her old boyfriend who died, or maybe it’s something to do with the eating disorder…idk- but he would help her through it).
I’m not crazy to think this isn’t normal “friendship” behaviour? The sexual tension is driving everyone who knows them crazy.
I know this is none of my business but I feel like I should be able to help them.
Two of my best friends - a girl (we’ll call her L) and a guy (call him F) have started acting like they are a couple but they keep saying that they are “just friends”.
To be honest I look at them and I see the perfect relationship in the way they respect and care for each other…but they aren’t even a bloody couple!
4 years ago L’s boyfriend died. She went off the rails big time, she got into heavy drugs and developed an eating disorder. I still don’t think she is over his death. She has been through so much drama over the last 4 years and she has done a lot of stupid stuff but all the time F has been there for her, getting her out of trouble and he has been so patient and pretty much saved her life.
He clearly has feelings for her (and he doesn’t deny it) and I think she has feelings for him too.
They live and work together so everyone kind of sees them as a couple anyway.
They share a 3 bed flat together, but sleep in the same bed (when I have stayed over there I have seen the way they sleep and it is like proper snuggled up together, hugging, spooning…all that couply stuff).
He is all over her most of the time. He always has his arms wrapped around her – and she lets him (she hardly ever lets anyone touch her at all so this is a big deal!). There is so much sexual tension between them.
They are both EXTREMELY attractive, very funny, clever, good people – they are perfect for each other. Either of them could probably be with anyone they wanted. He used to have loads of one night stands but now that has all stopped and they are both single.
It’s like they are subconsciously a couple (and faithful to each other) but they won’t admit that they are a couple.
I don’t think she WANTS to have feelings for him, but from the way they look at each other and the way they act they look like they are completely in love.
I KNOW he has feelings for her but I’m not sure if she really reciprocates beyond friendship- although she seems to…I can’t be sure.
She is really reluctant to talk about it, but from what she has said I get the impression that she doesn’t mind being relationshippy with him, but she just doesn’t want to have sex with him. So basically she seems to think that by not making the relationship “official” she can get all the love and support out of the relationship without him expecting anything sexual.
He’s a great guy. He would never push her into anything and he would understand and he would help her get through whatever her issues are about sex (maybe she feels like it is cheating on her old boyfriend who died, or maybe it’s something to do with the eating disorder…idk- but he would help her through it).
I’m not crazy to think this isn’t normal “friendship” behaviour? The sexual tension is driving everyone who knows them crazy.
I know this is none of my business but I feel like I should be able to help them.
maybe you could ask each of them how they feel about each other?! see if you can get the truth?!
I've tried to talk to her but she hates talking about it. There is no way she would admit to anything (I'm surprised I got as much out of her as I did)
And he doesn't admit to having feelings. As far as he's concerned it's his job to be her strong, manly protector. The fact that he doesn't deny that he has feelings for her is - for him- like admitting it.
And he doesn't admit to having feelings. As far as he's concerned it's his job to be her strong, manly protector. The fact that he doesn't deny that he has feelings for her is - for him- like admitting it.
Gilliwoo
These are the sorts of relationships I've always found most appealing, for some reason.
I don't understand what you mean...
She's probably become too reliant on him to want to risk their friendship by having sex...
I thought that. But I don't see the risk. He loves her unconditionally. If he didn't he probably woul have given up on her by now.
Well, the relationships that I've been in that weren't defined, and were you might say 'quasi-sexual' are the ones I've always found most fulfilling emotionally. I also understand the reluctance of the lady in question to enter into a relationship after her difficult past. My advice to you and them is to let them find their own level. Sooner or later they'll probably be honest with themselves and eachother.
They do seem to have the perfect relationship emotionally. To be honest I think he knows what is going on her head.
I think she's averse to sex in general - not sex with him specifically so for her it is just easier if they aren't "offcial" so that the issue doesn't come up.
At least, that is what I think. I'm kind of guessing because she was really vague when I tried to talk to her about it.
I think she's averse to sex in general - not sex with him specifically so for her it is just easier if they aren't "offcial" so that the issue doesn't come up.
At least, that is what I think. I'm kind of guessing because she was really vague when I tried to talk to her about it.
Don't you think there might be an element of her worrying that if she allows herself to make it 'official', she's scared she'll lose him, like she did her last bf?
Not that it WOULD happen or anything like that but... she might feel that, if she did lose this guy, then who would pull her out of it? Because he did last time...
Not that it WOULD happen or anything like that but... she might feel that, if she did lose this guy, then who would pull her out of it? Because he did last time...
I'd say it was basically none of your business, they can define (or not define) their relationship however they like, it's clearly not hurting anyone.
She obviously has a lot of issues from the death of her bf which is probably why she's reluctant to label this relationship. I'd imagine that on some level she's scared that if she calls this guy her bf then he'll die too. It's not rational but I imagine there's something like that going on in her head.
She obviously has a lot of issues from the death of her bf which is probably why she's reluctant to label this relationship. I'd imagine that on some level she's scared that if she calls this guy her bf then he'll die too. It's not rational but I imagine there's something like that going on in her head.
puppy
I'd say it was basically none of your business, they can define (or not define) their relationship however they like, it's clearly not hurting anyone.
Like I said I KNOW it's none of my business but I'm not sure that it isn't hurting them. They're both under a lot of strain in this situation - especially him. I know he isn't finding it easy and I don't think she is either. I think she is struggling about what to do- like she thinks she owes it to him to be with him but she is honestly too scared (or maybe stubborn) to let him know that she's ready.
I'm not posting this because I'm some nosy bitch I just want to be there for them both, I want to understand and I want to help them if that is possible.
puppy
I'd imagine that on some level she's scared that if she calls this guy her bf then he'll die too.
I honestly never even considered that. Interesting.
Annie88
So this is complicated and tbh it has nothing to do with me, I’m really just trying to see what other people think/would do in this situation.
Two of my best friends - a girl (we’ll call her L) and a guy (call him F) have started acting like they are a couple but they keep saying that they are “just friends”.
To be honest I look at them and I see the perfect relationship in the way they respect and care for each other…but they aren’t even a bloody couple!
4 years ago L’s boyfriend died. She went off the rails big time, she got into heavy drugs and developed an eating disorder. I still don’t think she is over his death. She has been through so much drama over the last 4 years and she has done a lot of stupid stuff but all the time F has been there for her, getting her out of trouble and he has been so patient and pretty much saved her life.
He clearly has feelings for her (and he doesn’t deny it) and I think she has feelings for him too.
They live and work together so everyone kind of sees them as a couple anyway.
They share a 3 bed flat together, but sleep in the same bed (when I have stayed over there I have seen the way they sleep and it is like proper snuggled up together, hugging, spooning…all that couply stuff).
He is all over her most of the time. He always has his arms wrapped around her – and she lets him (she hardly ever lets anyone touch her at all so this is a big deal!). There is so much sexual tension between them.
They are both EXTREMELY attractive, very funny, clever, good people – they are perfect for each other. Either of them could probably be with anyone they wanted. He used to have loads of one night stands but now that has all stopped and they are both single.
It’s like they are subconsciously a couple (and faithful to each other) but they won’t admit that they are a couple.
I don’t think she WANTS to have feelings for him, but from the way they look at each other and the way they act they look like they are completely in love.
I KNOW he has feelings for her but I’m not sure if she really reciprocates beyond friendship- although she seems to…I can’t be sure.
She is really reluctant to talk about it, but from what she has said I get the impression that she doesn’t mind being relationshippy with him, but she just doesn’t want to have sex with him. So basically she seems to think that by not making the relationship “official” she can get all the love and support out of the relationship without him expecting anything sexual.
He’s a great guy. He would never push her into anything and he would understand and he would help her get through whatever her issues are about sex (maybe she feels like it is cheating on her old boyfriend who died, or maybe it’s something to do with the eating disorder…idk- but he would help her through it).
I’m not crazy to think this isn’t normal “friendship” behaviour? The sexual tension is driving everyone who knows them crazy.
I know this is none of my business but I feel like I should be able to help them.
Two of my best friends - a girl (we’ll call her L) and a guy (call him F) have started acting like they are a couple but they keep saying that they are “just friends”.
To be honest I look at them and I see the perfect relationship in the way they respect and care for each other…but they aren’t even a bloody couple!
4 years ago L’s boyfriend died. She went off the rails big time, she got into heavy drugs and developed an eating disorder. I still don’t think she is over his death. She has been through so much drama over the last 4 years and she has done a lot of stupid stuff but all the time F has been there for her, getting her out of trouble and he has been so patient and pretty much saved her life.
He clearly has feelings for her (and he doesn’t deny it) and I think she has feelings for him too.
They live and work together so everyone kind of sees them as a couple anyway.
They share a 3 bed flat together, but sleep in the same bed (when I have stayed over there I have seen the way they sleep and it is like proper snuggled up together, hugging, spooning…all that couply stuff).
He is all over her most of the time. He always has his arms wrapped around her – and she lets him (she hardly ever lets anyone touch her at all so this is a big deal!). There is so much sexual tension between them.
They are both EXTREMELY attractive, very funny, clever, good people – they are perfect for each other. Either of them could probably be with anyone they wanted. He used to have loads of one night stands but now that has all stopped and they are both single.
It’s like they are subconsciously a couple (and faithful to each other) but they won’t admit that they are a couple.
I don’t think she WANTS to have feelings for him, but from the way they look at each other and the way they act they look like they are completely in love.
I KNOW he has feelings for her but I’m not sure if she really reciprocates beyond friendship- although she seems to…I can’t be sure.
She is really reluctant to talk about it, but from what she has said I get the impression that she doesn’t mind being relationshippy with him, but she just doesn’t want to have sex with him. So basically she seems to think that by not making the relationship “official” she can get all the love and support out of the relationship without him expecting anything sexual.
He’s a great guy. He would never push her into anything and he would understand and he would help her get through whatever her issues are about sex (maybe she feels like it is cheating on her old boyfriend who died, or maybe it’s something to do with the eating disorder…idk- but he would help her through it).
I’m not crazy to think this isn’t normal “friendship” behaviour? The sexual tension is driving everyone who knows them crazy.
I know this is none of my business but I feel like I should be able to help them.
They are an unoffical couple. I'm not sure why it hasn't happened but I can only guess that it's the fact her boyfriend died and she still isn't over him but wants to move on. Having your boyfriend die is a terrible thing and she may feel her heart is still with him, it's not as if they broke up... With time she will begin to feel at ease and be able to move on.
Saying that she might just be using the guy as someone to rely on and if she even hints on a possible relationship he'll always be there for her. If he was already in a relationship he wouldn't have much time for her when she needed him and also I don't think his girlfriend would be too happy.
That's all I can think of, just wait and see what happens between them. You can push them into a direction of being together but only they can make that decision.
Sorry to bump this old thread but I recently stayed with them for a week and I'm really worried about them.
I kind of feel like there's something I should do for them.
She has recently dropped a lot more weight and she's really not healthy. He is so stressed.
I feel bad for him because people literally seem to worship him (his job kind of has him in the public eye a lot)...but he doesn't really have any friends he can actually talk to. So while he's a great support to her he doesn't have any support himself and it is really hard for him watching her basically kill herself and knowing that he's pretty much the only thing keeping her alive.
I don't know what to do. He isn't going to go to anyone to talk. I'll have to go to him and see if he'll let me be a shoulder to cry on. But I don't know if I should just keep out of it...I know they are struggling.
I talked to her (with another friend) recently. She's so defensive about it but from what she said I'm pretty sure she knows she's in love with him and she knows something has to change but her problem is definitely with the sexual side of it (and maybe because she is stubborn and doesn't want to admit that she has feelings for him after all this time of denying it).
She's thinking of leaving just to get away from it all. It's classic behaviour from her. She'd always prefer to run away than face her problems. If she leaves she's basically going to die because he is the only person who can get to her eat ever. Not to mention that it will break both of their hearts.
I feel like I should do something because they aren't coping with the tension or the situation at all. But I have no idea what to do, how to help them or even if I am just getting too involved.
Sorry that this is so long but I could really use some advice.
I kind of feel like there's something I should do for them.
She has recently dropped a lot more weight and she's really not healthy. He is so stressed.
I feel bad for him because people literally seem to worship him (his job kind of has him in the public eye a lot)...but he doesn't really have any friends he can actually talk to. So while he's a great support to her he doesn't have any support himself and it is really hard for him watching her basically kill herself and knowing that he's pretty much the only thing keeping her alive.
I don't know what to do. He isn't going to go to anyone to talk. I'll have to go to him and see if he'll let me be a shoulder to cry on. But I don't know if I should just keep out of it...I know they are struggling.
I talked to her (with another friend) recently. She's so defensive about it but from what she said I'm pretty sure she knows she's in love with him and she knows something has to change but her problem is definitely with the sexual side of it (and maybe because she is stubborn and doesn't want to admit that she has feelings for him after all this time of denying it).
She's thinking of leaving just to get away from it all. It's classic behaviour from her. She'd always prefer to run away than face her problems. If she leaves she's basically going to die because he is the only person who can get to her eat ever. Not to mention that it will break both of their hearts.
I feel like I should do something because they aren't coping with the tension or the situation at all. But I have no idea what to do, how to help them or even if I am just getting too involved.
Sorry that this is so long but I could really use some advice.
No it sounds serious and i don't think you are too involved.but you say she wont admit her feelings for him? and that its just the sex she has issues with - then why do they have to have sex? maybe talking to him (or her if she will) about just discussing their feelings more with each other, leaving out any pressures into sex. If they are already like a couple, what is it that you think will help her so much about a sexual relationship? he sounds like nice guy who cares about her a lot, so if she pretty much 'knows she's in love with him' why not just tell him that, let him know how much she needs him and try and get him to ask her if she'll be with him a bit more officially, but without any pressure to do anything she's not happy with. At least then she'd have some stability, and they'd both be a bit less confused.
I'm not trying to pressure her into having a sexual relationship or anything! I just think she thinks that if they make things more official then eventually the sexual stuff is going to be something she has to face and she doesn't want to have to talk to him about it. Kind of like now she's getting a relationship but she knows because it isn't official he isn't ever going to expect anything sexual from her and so she can just ignore it.
It's not as if they are just close friends. If I didn't know them I would assume they were a couple just from the way behave, touch each other, look at each other etc.
He isn't going to pressure her. I know that. I know it's hard for him being in a pseudo-relationship, especially after playing the field for so long, but he will deal with it.
I guess it's a problem because she is scared of having to face what she is scared of. Honestly I think he knows the way she feels but he also knows he can't say anything because she'll probably just leave.
It's not as if they are just close friends. If I didn't know them I would assume they were a couple just from the way behave, touch each other, look at each other etc.
He isn't going to pressure her. I know that. I know it's hard for him being in a pseudo-relationship, especially after playing the field for so long, but he will deal with it.
I guess it's a problem because she is scared of having to face what she is scared of. Honestly I think he knows the way she feels but he also knows he can't say anything because she'll probably just leave.
The sad thing is you are concerned and there's nothing you can do. I have this problem with my friends, they have problems and I make great suggestions yet they carry on ruining their lives. I sometimes think I have gone to the effort to find out information to help them and they ain't bothered. I've learnt to stay out of it cos it'll just backfire - if they want you they know where to find you 
Thanks for replying.
I don't really know what to expect.
The stress is seriously getting to him. I'm scared he's going to crack under the pressure. I'm scared she's going to die.
I feel like it's not fair that he is solely responsible for whether she eats or not but that is the situation they are in now. They aren't coping. I can't think of a way to help them.
I feel like I should do something.
I don't even know what to tell them if they do ask.
I don't really know what to expect.
The stress is seriously getting to him. I'm scared he's going to crack under the pressure. I'm scared she's going to die.
I feel like it's not fair that he is solely responsible for whether she eats or not but that is the situation they are in now. They aren't coping. I can't think of a way to help them.
I feel like I should do something.
I don't even know what to tell them if they do ask.
i think shes still not over her bf who died? n i think shes scared of being in a relationship or to love someone again.. once all, the the person she loved died.. she doesnt want that to happen again... she needs time.. its not easy to get over.. eventually shell know n find out the feelings for this F dude as time passes.. how much he helped her n how much she needed him..
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