I'm on the brink of losing everything I have: my family, stability, respect.
I've dug myself a grave, and the problem is that I'm starting to think that maybe that grave isn't such a bad idea.
Ever since I was five years old, it has been drilled into my mind that Allah is the all knower, all see-er— obey him, and him alone! I grew up in fear of this entity that was god, god only scared me because how can you love someone that you should cower before in fear? In Islam, non-believers end up in hellfire. All my friends of different religions, these friends who would die for me should it ever come to it — according to Islam, they will burn in hell for eternity. How does that work? How do good souls like them deserve hell? It's been on my mind since I was ten and I've only suffered countless nightmares because of it. I'm at war with myself and religion.
Islam has mentally drained and damaged me. The way I think. The way I'm constantly scared. The hijab did **** all too, if I'm honest — it didn't stop me from getting sexually abused, instead, I got the blame placed on me because hey, why damage the reputation of a leading pious man everyone loves at your local mosque? Why damage the mosque?
And no, I'm not "another Muslim girl damaged by western culture".
I've seen and done a lot over the course of the past few years. Yes, we need something to believe in to give us refuge — but we don't need an unjust, totalitarian regime that breaks you at the end of the day.
But this is my view on Islam; for all its faults Islam still gives birth to wonderful and kind Muslims, who are not terrorists, who are not in any way harmful — and you must remember that.
I don't know where I'm going with this though. All I know is that one of these days very soon, I'm going to get kicked out. My parents will be blinded by their morals and religion once again, and I will be thrown into the pool of outcasts: but why? For loving someone of a different religion. For sticking up for women's rights. For getting abused. The list could go on, really.
I love my ma and dad and I don't want to say goodbye to them but I can't live my life as a lie, I don't want to hide my lover, I don't want to get told to shut my mouth and accept that the sexual abuse was my fault, I don't want to believe that being gay is a sin.
I'm scared of losing everything. I feel like there's an expiration date on everything right now; my time with my family, my time with my lover. Arguably you could say that everything always had an expiration date; we don't live forever. But these things, I'd like to keep for as long as I'm alive. I love my family, and I'm in love with someone who loves me body and soul.
I don't know what to do.