This will be long
I feel like it's worth saying that all of this happened in 2015. I've blocked most of this out and a lot of my memory is hazy around the event and what happened. I struggle to believe this happened to me and I've spent so much time in my head ignoring what this was, I only have clips of things that I can write and I know a lot of this may sound like it doesn't make sense (because it doesn't make sense to me either)
I met this guy at work, we will call him guy A. I thought the relation was just friendly, we started of talking about tattoos and things that aren't really of interest, this was the first time we ever spoke. That same day once I'd finished work guy A had immediately added me on Facebook, which I thought was a little keen but never the less I accepted and he messaged me saying he'd added me by mistake while stalking, we continued to talk in work and outside of work, again me just seeing this as friendly.
We met up for the first time outside of work and went to a few bars in town, nothing happened and I went home and we continued to talk online and at work. He then invited me round to his house to watch a film as he said he had a 'film room' so I accepted. Everything started of normal again I just assumed we were friends, nothing more and nothing less. Mid way through the film he tried to kiss me in which I turned my head and said no, he didn't try again and although it was a little awkward and I felt he seemed a little angry we just carried on watching the film and I apologised for not kissing him. The film ends and I move from the sofa we were fitting on to a bean bag things, I'm just messing around on this bean bag and he leaves to go to the toilet, he comes back and sits on the bean bag with me and moves me to be sat ontop of him, I just laugh and move onto the floor, at this point we aren't really doing anything. I'm sat on the floor and he's sat on this bean bag, he then begins to touch my breasts over my top, I tell him to stop. I feel the top I was wearing may have been to blame as I was wearing a lace top which was somewhat see through, I tell him to stop although I am laughing he carries on and pushes his fingers around my nipples, stomach and breasts and at this point I move away and ask if I can go home. He drops me off at the station and that was it for that. At this point I'm planning on not talking to guy A again, because well the whole thing was odd.
I get home and guy A continues to message me at first I ignore until he starts being forceful, sending around 8 messages in the space of a short time, he seems aggressive and I feel I can't not reply (almost like I'm scared of him, but I don't know why) and I agree it's stupid and I should have just continued to ignore him. So we continue talking and everything he says turns sexual or inappropriate. He asks me how many people I've been with which I say none, because I haven't been with anyone before. He asks about my preference ect and I feel like I can't get away from those questions, I don't know why and I can't explain it but I feel like I had no choice but to answer. I'm almost scared of him and I can't say no to anything.
Guy A starts to threaten to tell people at work about what I've told him, about how I've never been with anyone or about my sexual preferences ect.
We meet up again because I feel like I HAVE to. Stupid so stupid, and I can't help but wonder why I did this, why would you go back to someone like this? This is where it all becomes a little hazy.
I *think* at this time I go back to him for food, not in his kitchen for some reason but we eat in his bedroom. We just ordered pizza and I'm almost forced to eat it despite me saying I wasn't hungry. At this point he pushes me on top of him repeatedly, and I keep getting Of of him, he almost wrestles me at one point and he is on top of me. He touches me and that's all I remember happening at that point. Skip forward and guy A and I are on the same shift at work and he says "your coming back to mine tonight" (we finished work at 10pm) so I go back to his, we are sat on his bed and he gets changed in front me. I keep my work clothes on and sit on the bed, he asks me if I'm taking my clothes of which i say no, because well I wanted to go home, I told him I wanted to go home. I said I'd stay for and hour and go home but as I didn't know the area in which he lives he tells me that no buses are running and that I'd have to stay the night. I asked if he's drop me of and he says no. Anyway, we begin to watch a movie on his laptop and he cuddles me, like spoons me but so tightly I'm stuck. I try saying I'm to hot, I try moving I try everything but I'm stuck. The movie ends and I try to sleep but he's touching me all over, he removes my trousers and I say no, I tell him no I don't want this, but he carries on. He puts me on top of him again and I move; he doesn't try and put me on top of him again but he moves my hand to touch his bits; I can't move my hand because he's holding it there, I try but I can't. I don't know how long this goes on for, and I don't know if he 'came' but I just remember him moving my hand at a certain point and that was it, he then puts his hands down my underwear and fingers me. I move his hand repeatedly but he carries on and it gets to the point I can't do anything but let him do it, despite me saying no and telling him to stop. Again I zone out and I don't remember anything between it happening and stopping or how long it went on for, but he stops at some point but all through the night he does the same thing, this must have happened around 5 times in that one night. I dont remember sleeping but I remember this morning and him getting in the shower, I get dressed while he showers and sit on the bed. He comes in after and sits on top of me naked, I tell him no and he stops and gets dressed. He drops me of at work and he goes home. I feel like I just blank it out at this point but I know I'm still scared of him but I don't know why; it's like he had a hold of me and I couldn't get away from him or the situation.
He still messages me, ect. But I manage to avoid meeting him (except in work) until we have a work night out; I go with one group of people to one bar and he goes to another with another group of people. He says we are meeting up after so I get the bus and meet him. We walk to his house and again, all the same things happen as last time. (He thought I was drunk I think but I only had one drink) but this time he has oral sex with me despite me saying no and asking him to stop, we have sex also but I still said no but I couldn't stop it, I know I said no but I couldn't move. All I remember is blanking in on a book that was next to the bed and then it being over, I don't remember it stopping. It's almost like I was present in the moment but not at the same time, it's all so hazy and confusing in my mind. I don't remember anything after that but I remember the morning, same thing happens as last time and then I get in the car and he takes me to work, he tells me how ugly I am in the car how vile I am ect. I don't go into work once he drops me off I just go home.
Although I'm confused I'm trying not to think about all this, he does continue to message me but at this point I ignore him and although he still scares me I only see him at work briefly and manage to avoid him most of the time. I tell my friend briefly what happens but that's it.
A month after this we still work together, I get myself a car and he begins parking his car so close to mine I have to get in through the passenger side, he scratches my car, pushes my wing mirrors in ect but a few months later he leaves the company and I never hear from him again. I never mention what happened and I just don't really think about it, I just work 24/7 I keep myself busy.
It gets to Christmas and the Christmas work party comes around and we HAVE to go (stupid work policy, apparently) it goes ok and I enjoy myself. We will call this guy guy B. I'm waiting outside for a taxi with some work friends to go home wen guy B (who was guy As friend) tells me to go with him to get food, it's almost like it wasn't optional, before I know it he was dragging me away and holding my hand. We walk around town for almost an hour and then he gets a taxi to take us back to his, he's still holding my hand at this point and I don't feel I could get away. Mid way through the ride home he says he feels ill, gets the taxi to stop, gets out and starts being sick. I shut the taxi door and tell the taxi driver to leave without him, the taxi driver does this and I get home. (I don't know what guy Bs intentions were and I was scared, the guilt kills me for leaving him) I see guy B at work and we never talk and nothing is ever mentioned again.
Fast forward a year later we have another Christmas party and again I go and have a good time but two other guys do the same thing as guy B, guy C and D. Although they just try to kiss me and I go home and that's it (maybe this is the bit Im unsure about I don't know) the whole situation is so confusing, it goes around my head constantly.
A little while after the Christmas party I just feel like I can't cope, I'm crying everyday at work at this point. I eventually just walk out and leave, I stay of work for a while and find myself a new job, I stay at this job for around 2 months as leAve and find myself another job, stay for around 2 months and leave and now I'm unemployed. I don't feel like I can work, this whole situation goes around in my head constantly. I don't know what happened, I don't know if I'm to blame, I don't know if these guys thought this was what I wanted. I'm in therapy and I've told only 2 people about what has happened. One being my therapist, and although he tells me all of this was wrong and not my fault I don't believe him. I don't believe that he believes me when I tell him. Guy A has tried to contact me recently, and I've managed to block all goes on everything so they have no way to contact me. I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I don't know, I just don't know. My therapist tells me I have signs of trauma or ptsd but I don't believe it. I just feel like this was all my fault.
I'm sorry this is so long, this is the first time I've ever wrote this all out and it all still seems to hazy and like I've missed huge parts out.
Was this sexual assault or am I overthinking all of this? watch
- Thread Starter
- 23-09-2017 21:49
- 24-09-2017 11:31
you are not overthinking this, this is definitely assault. don't feel sorry, don't feel 'stupid', it's okay to try and get it all out and you are definitely not overthinking this.
- 24-09-2017 11:34
Yes, it is.
- 24-09-2017 11:55
It was clearly sexual assault. Sounds like this guy picked you out as being a bit vulnerable and and once he realised he could control you he did so.
It takes a lot of maturity, confidence and assertiveness to be able to turn someone who acts like that down and often people who are young and inexperienced don't have those skills. It might make you feel more confident to try and build them - although it seems you already have grown a bit as you drove off and left guy B puking on the road and got away from guys C and D. But don't blame yourself for this, you told him no clearly and he had to repeatedly put his hand in your pants as you moved it away (aside from all the other signs) - there was no 'grey area' here.
- 24-09-2017 11:58
no this is not sexual assault you are over thinking things
- 24-09-2017 12:08
Hey, you've had a really tough ride and I'm so glad to hear that you're in therapy. It may not feel like it's working now but I promise it's helping and you'll get there eventually!
If there is ONE thing that you take from all of this please let it be that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. The part where you tried to blame your top etc made me so sad because you are never to blame. You could have been sitting on his lap naked but if you say 'no', he should still stop! He sexually assaulted you numerous times and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that but you're in the right place to start getting better and to start moving on.
My inbox is always open, stay strong!
- 24-09-2017 12:09
The phrase "I tell him no I don't want this, but he carries on" makes this sexual assault, clear as day
- 24-09-2017 12:16
this definitely is and you're not over thinking it!!! it's not too late to report it, he shouldn't get away with it
- 24-09-2017 12:26
Are you actually ASKING if this is assault lady?
You should have reported this as quick as possible
Sorry what happened to you btw plus report it know
- 24-09-2017 12:42
He targeted you, preying on you vulnerabilities/weaknesses. There were signs of imminent danger, listen to yourself and act in a way to protect yourself. Those alarm bells are there to protect you.
You said No - consistently. The guy is clearly deaf or motivated by self-pleasure. He groomed you - you don't have to be a child for that to happen.
Therapy is a good idea, you are suffering from PTSD - seems like alot but trauma affects you. What you have done is blocked it out, dissociated with the experience (detach your body from what was happening). I know, because the way you described it, is what I did. Your defence mechanism is protecting you from remembering it all. You need to re-experience it fully again, trust me - it will kill you, but you will survive - the amount of hurt you are going to feel will be unparalleled - Why would another human being do that to another human being? - It has messed up how much you trust people.
Don't blame yourself, it was nothing to do with the way you dressed. Nothing to do with you at all. He misguided you, he said one thing but his intentions were all together different. It was a case of 'netflix and chill' which means 'watch the movie for abit then I want sex'. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Your body goes into flight/fight when faced with danger. You chose to fight. - Doesn't that tell you how strong you are as a person?
Don't engage, when you feel something like that again, RUN! ESCAPE! Don't stick at it. So what, no buses ran, I'm sure you have a family that love you that would pay for a taxi when you get home? You always have options.
If you want to report it, do it - your therapist will support you.
Work on yourself, practise saying No more often. It does not make you selfish. It means you value you. Don't let someone disempower you, don't let someone take away your power.
Guys like that hone on you just like that, so you have to project a different image. He did wrong.
Chances are; A told B how he controlled you and B thought he could too. Good call: You learnt from experience 1 and got out.
Generally, stay away from guys, your first priority is healing yourself. If you need any helpful guidance, message me.
- 24-09-2017 12:45
I'm so sorry this has happened to you; no one should ever go through this
And yes; it clearly is sexual assault. Anything sexual that happens between two or more people where one of them is against doing that sexual activity; is considered to be sexual assault.
So I believe you should keep getting therapy and to file a lawsuit against guy A especially; I don't know about the other guys as not that much detailed was mentioned; by I strongly believe that you should on guy A.
it's in no way your fault; you felt pressured into talking to them etc; it wasn't your own free will
Hope this helped xx