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    I'm going to make this as short and snappy as possible.

    Currently, chatting to this guy, my intentions are to just remain friends.

    This is where I need opinions.

    We talk via an app, no consistency between messages, sometimes he responds the same day, other times a couple of weeks.

    He talks about work/stress hassles/problems. He's a young Physics Teacher (Science) . From what I gauge, I don't think he would express himself the way he does to me, the same way he does to his friends. Telling me that he found an experience 'frightening or it made him self-conscious' & from what I've read on here, guys talk about more personal stuff to opposite sex if they are interested or something. Does he just feel comfortable talking to me?. So, I guess I just want to clear this up.

    Similarly, he asked me why my life goals were to just be really independent, not wanting to get involved with a man, he suspected that I had a bad experience. This is the second time, I've come across this, is this a generic thing guys say because they believe that there is a reason why a woman chooses to be single? - What's the motive?

    I rarely read too much into anything. Usually, I take everything a guy says at face value. It would just be helpful to get different perspectives.

    Before you say - ask him, I don't think I need to, because sooner or later, I will indirectly say, I'm looking for a male best friend. That's all.

    Peace x
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    You've not really provided enough information, but it does sound quite possible that he is 'interested'. It really depends on the individual, some men would only do this if they were others talk openly with entirely platonic intentions. The fact you've felt the need to post this makes this seem likely though. (man here BTW)
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    I did not want to type alot because it just becomes a story. Simple facts/Responses is the best way to stay objective.

    What else do you need to know? - I gave him a heart, he gave me one back. It was a match, so I initiated conversation. I explicitly stated on my profile, I was 'seeking an intellectual friend' - so I think he might have looked at that, but, can't be sure.
    I do think he's attractive, but like i said, I am not looking to go down that path.

    I would say it's a quite mature conversation - asked him about life goals etc. He seems to talk about his problems and I offer solutions or respond in a 'truthful' sense, i.e. when he comes across something, I say it happens to everyone, it's a part of life - so it doesn't feel like a major thing - he says 'true'. Is this a test? To see how I deal with life situations? Because sometimes people say stuff and they already know the answers.

    I only posted this because of what I read from 'guy' comments in regards certain r'ship scenarios. If I didn't read them, I would not have thought twice. It would have been a case of 'it is what it is' nothing more, nothing less.

    I really hope it is platonic because it's good to just be able to talk to someone without it meaning anything. Thing is, if it's friends, then I should be pitching in more about my problems/life,so its not a one-sided conversation, where he talks and I just listen if you get that? - Balance
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    I did not want to type alot because it just becomes a story. Simple facts/Responses is the best way to stay objective.

    What else do you need to know? - I gave him a heart, he gave me one back. It was a match, so I initiated conversation. I explicitly stated on my profile, I was 'seeking an intellectual friend' - so I think he might have looked at that, but, can't be sure.
    I do think he's attractive, but like i said, I am not looking to go down that path.

    I would say it's a quite mature conversation - asked him about life goals etc. He seems to talk about his problems and I offer solutions or respond in a 'truthful' sense, i.e. when he comes across something, I say it happens to everyone, it's a part of life - so it doesn't feel like a major thing - he says 'true'. Is this a test? To see how I deal with life situations? Because sometimes people say stuff and they already know the answers.

    I only posted this because of what I read from 'guy' comments in regards certain r'ship scenarios. If I didn't read them, I would not have thought twice. It would have been a case of 'it is what it is' nothing more, nothing less.

    I really hope it is platonic because it's good to just be able to talk to someone without it meaning anything. Thing is, if it's friends, then I should be pitching in more about my problems/life,so its not a one-sided conversation, where he talks and I just listen if you get that? - Balance
    I think you've overthinking this. It seems like he's just trying to have a normal friendly conversation. No he's not "testing" you. He's just open about his life. I personally talk to my female friends in the same way. You should definitely balance it out by bringing up your stuff and asking him for advice/thoughts
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    Thanks, just needed to clear this up.

    I do think he's competent enough to deal with the scenarios he talks about, maybe he just wants to share his thoughts?

    I don't really have any major problems tbf atm, I have a pretty quiet life *touchwood* - worked hard to get here.

    To be honest, when a guy interacts with me, I worry about his intentions, so I don't know if this is the correct person to relax around as the last time I did this, it turned into manipulation and control despite me telling the person we were just friends.
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    Thanks, just needed to clear this up.

    I do think he's competent enough to deal with the scenarios he talks about, maybe he just wants to share his thoughts?

    I don't really have any major problems tbf atm, I have a pretty quiet life *touchwood* - worked hard to get here.

    To be honest, when a guy interacts with me, I worry about his intentions, so I don't know if this is the correct person to relax around as the last time I did this, it turned into manipulation and control despite me telling the person we were just friends.
    No worries. I understand that past experiences can make us more wary but from what you've mentioned so far, he just seems like a normal guy who finds it easier to be open with you. I personally am far more open online and with female friends than I am with my guy friends IRL. Even if I'm fully aware of what I need to do to solve some problem in my life, I tend to give "updates" and ask for second thoughts anyway. It can be therapeutic

    I don't think you have anything to worry about.

    P.S. Could you use the [QUOTE] feature? Makes it easier for people to see your replies here.
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    So you don't want to fck him just yet is what you're saying?
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    [QUOTE=Dima-Blackburn;73877896]No worries. I understand that past experiences can make us more wary but from what you've mentioned so far, he just seems like a normal guy who finds it easier to be open with you. I personally am far more open online and with female friends than I am with my guy friends IRL. Even if I'm fully aware of what I need to do to solve some problem in my life, I tend to give "updates" and ask for second thoughts anyway. It can be therapeutic

    I don't think you have anything to worry about.

    P.S. Could you use the
    feature? Makes it easier for people to see your replies here.
    So far, he hasn't given me any reason to suspect so I won't, I'm just anticipating a 'f**k up' tbh. Every time I get proved right.

    I think he does it because he knows I'm going to do a counselling course at university so I guess he thinks that I have a skillset that in a way is therapeutic for him.

    (Original post by chewy suarez)
    So you don't want to fck him just yet is what you're saying?
    Ain't no 'f**king' going to happen ever, I don't really need to rely on a guy for pleasure - there are other means should I want to.
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    A male best friend? That ain't gonna happen lmao. Well it won't last. Unless one of y'all are in a relationship or the dude is gay.

    Eventually someone will want something more.
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    So far, he hasn't given me any reason to suspect so I won't, I'm just anticipating a 'f**k up' tbh. Every time I get proved right.

    I think he does it because he knows I'm going to do a counselling course at university so I guess he thinks that I have a skillset that in a way is therapeutic for him.
    Of course, you shouldn't be too trusting, especially with anonymous online apps but for now, but do give the benefit of doubt in the absence of obvious red flags.

    Yes, that seems plausible. Maybe that's why he appreciates your input. In a way it makes him feel good if his thoughts are being verified by someone else.

    Good luck.
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    In response to below:
    Well it won't bother me if he gets into a relationship. I know how I am going to deal with it, I might back off a little so the gf does not see me as a threat.

    Definitely not going to happen on my side. For me, rships are more cons than pros and simply not a viable option. If he wanted more, I would just let it go. Nothing lasts forever anyway.

    (Original post by eden3)
    A male best friend? That ain't gonna happen lmao. Well it won't last. Unless one of y'all are in a relationship or the dude is gay.

    Eventually someone will want something more.
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    (Original post by Dima-Blackburn)
    Of course, you shouldn't be too trusting, especially with anonymous online apps but for now, but do give the benefit of doubt in the absence of obvious red flags.

    Yes, that seems plausible. Maybe that's why he appreciates your input. In a way it makes him feel good if his thoughts are being verified by someone else.

    Good luck.
    Thanks for your input, good to have the reassurance that some guys are Ok with being friends with females.
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    I'm going to make this as short and snappy as possible.

    Currently, chatting to this guy, my intentions are to just remain friends.

    This is where I need opinions.

    We talk via an app, no consistency between messages, sometimes he responds the same day, other times a couple of weeks.

    He talks about work/stress hassles/problems. He's a young Physics Teacher (Science) . From what I gauge, I don't think he would express himself the way he does to me, the same way he does to his friends. Telling me that he found an experience 'frightening or it made him self-conscious' & from what I've read on here, guys talk about more personal stuff to opposite sex if they are interested or something. Does he just feel comfortable talking to me?. So, I guess I just want to clear this up.

    Similarly, he asked me why my life goals were to just be really independent, not wanting to get involved with a man, he suspected that I had a bad experience. This is the second time, I've come across this, is this a generic thing guys say because they believe that there is a reason why a woman chooses to be single? - What's the motive?

    I rarely read too much into anything. Usually, I take everything a guy says at face value. It would just be helpful to get different perspectives.

    Before you say - ask him, I don't think I need to, because sooner or later, I will indirectly say, I'm looking for a male best friend. That's all.

    Peace x


    If a male see's a female on a dating app saying "friends" if he is messaging her, 9 times out of 10 ...he wants to become more than friends, but is perhaps willing to do the friends thing first

    if he thought you were ugly do you think he'd want to be your friend?

    he seems a bit too casual about it though [weeks till a reply?] so perhaps he is not actually bothered about a relationship.

    but in general, if a guy is on a dating app, he ain't there looking for friends unless it's the "with benefits" kind.........
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    I'm going to make this as short and snappy as possible.

    Currently, chatting to this guy, my intentions are to just remain friends.

    This is where I need opinions.

    We talk via an app, no consistency between messages, sometimes he responds the same day, other times a couple of weeks.

    He talks about work/stress hassles/problems. He's a young Physics Teacher (Science) . From what I gauge, I don't think he would express himself the way he does to me, the same way he does to his friends. Telling me that he found an experience 'frightening or it made him self-conscious' & from what I've read on here, guys talk about more personal stuff to opposite sex if they are interested or something. Does he just feel comfortable talking to me?. So, I guess I just want to clear this up.

    Similarly, he asked me why my life goals were to just be really independent, not wanting to get involved with a man, he suspected that I had a bad experience. This is the second time, I've come across this, is this a generic thing guys say because they believe that there is a reason why a woman chooses to be single? - What's the motive?

    I rarely read too much into anything. Usually, I take everything a guy says at face value. It would just be helpful to get different perspectives.

    Before you say - ask him, I don't think I need to, because sooner or later, I will indirectly say, I'm looking for a male best friend. That's all.

    Peace x
    He seems like a good guy. However concerned with the amount of time it takes for him to reply. You don't fully seem to be his priority tbh.
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    (Original post by ANM775)
    If a male see's a female on a dating app saying "friends" if he is messaging her, 9 times out of 10 ...he wants to become more than friends, but is perhaps willing to do the friends thing first

    if he thought you were ugly do you think he'd want to be your friend?

    he seems a bit too casual about it though [weeks till a reply?] so perhaps he is not actually bothered about a relationship.

    but in general, if a guy is on a dating app, he ain't there looking for friends unless it's the "with benefits" kind.........
    Thanks, I don't think it will happen, anything more... the more he gets to know me - the more he will know that I am not right for him. I know for sure, he ain't right for me, and that's the best thing about it. You can find someone attractive, appreciate and that's just what it is. You would never go for them in a romantic sense.
    When he starts complimenting me for my looks - that's when I know I'm in trouble and have to set him straight.

    Don't be so sure, I have been friends with a guy who's looks were below my level.



    (Original post by Boredom101)
    He seems like a good guy. However concerned with the amount of time it takes for him to reply. You don't fully seem to be his priority tbh.
    Thanks, I think it might be a pastime, talks whenever he wants to, it's too soon, I don't want to be a priority, friendship isn't always about how often you talk, it's about how long you can go without talking and it feels like you are talking like the conversation never ended, you can pick up where you left off. My friends generally get on with life & if they have any issues they can't deal with, they talk to me & vice versa.

    - When any of my female friends feel like they need to talk to me everyday, I think they might be getting too dependent on me and 'needy'. I made that mistake once before, I had to left the friend go because I felt they needed to learn how to be independent, was just moaning & complaining all the time & doing nothing about it. I don't want to be the sole support in a person's life, too heavy. I have my own stuff to deal with too. Cruel to be kind.
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    I'm a guy and I do that instinctively (i don't normally read these threads) to girls i am kinda interested in. Share about my life simply because i like her and would like having her sharing my life with me (starting off as a friend first, but kinda on a more accelerated pathway to a possible r/s, because she has a much greater access to my life than someone i will normally be cautious about first). It interests me to hear different people's views on things too though.Replying less often happens when i am not extremely keen/still wary or unsure about getting into a relationship. And so do either do not want to suffer the massive time spent chatting instead of my schoolwork and commitments, as well as to avoid seeming overly keen on getting into a relationship/needy. The general assumption is that if the girl doesn't do the same, she prolly isn't that interested in me. As a person. And in my life. And so, probably not interested in a deeper/closer friendship or relationship. Totally ignoring my messages is the 'STOP' sign. But if she does, it becomes easier to find out about her, ask her about her life and learn more about her values and worldviews.Another thing is that I could spend a couple hours straight chatting once in a while with an unfamiliar interest, but I would be much less willingly and easily if it's some girl i actually find annoying and not worth a commitment similar to a relationship. I mean, why would you bother to do anything more than sustain/maintain the friendship a little?P.S. But seriously, idt a guy would spend a lot of time chatting with someone on a dating app (when he finds the time to use it after work) for entirely platonic purposes. You had better clarify an 'intellectual friend' as an 'entirely platonic intellectual friendship though'. Asking him if he's interested in you in a romantic way is actually pretty good an idea cos he'll be likely be pretty happy to say 'yes' over text rather than having to be left hanging and guessing, and wondering when and whether to confess(may not even happen if he treated the 'match' in the dating app as, well, a match).That was long. Phew!
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    (Original post by AStarryNightSky)
    I'm a guy and I do that instinctively (i don't normally read these threads) to girls i am kinda interested in. Share about my life simply because i like her and would like having her sharing my life with me (starting off as a friend first, but kinda on a more accelerated pathway to a possible r/s, because she has a much greater access to my life than someone i will normally be cautious about first). It interests me to hear different people's views on things too though.Replying less often happens when i am not extremely keen/still wary or unsure about getting into a relationship. And so do either do not want to suffer the massive time spent chatting instead of my schoolwork and commitments, as well as to avoid seeming overly keen on getting into a relationship/needy. The general assumption is that if the girl doesn't do the same, she prolly isn't that interested in me. As a person. And in my life. And so, probably not interested in a deeper/closer friendship or relationship. Totally ignoring my messages is the 'STOP' sign. But if she does, it becomes easier to find out about her, ask her about her life and learn more about her values and worldviews.Another thing is that I could spend a couple hours straight chatting once in a while with an unfamiliar interest, but I would be much less willingly and easily if it's some girl i actually find annoying and not worth a commitment similar to a relationship. I mean, why would you bother to do anything more than sustain/maintain the friendship a little?P.S. But seriously, idt a guy would spend a lot of time chatting with someone on a dating app (when he finds the time to use it after work) for entirely platonic purposes. You had better clarify an 'intellectual friend' as an 'entirely platonic intellectual friendship though'. Asking him if he's interested in you in a romantic way is actually pretty good an idea cos he'll be likely be pretty happy to say 'yes' over text rather than having to be left hanging and guessing, and wondering when and whether to confess(may not even happen if he treated the 'match' in the dating app as, well, a match).That was long. Phew!
    The situation solved itself, he intends to move abroad once he's quit his job here, so no chance of a rship if that's what he was looking to pursue. All it seems to me now, is just two people talking on a similar wavelength, and if there are any cues/personal topics in the conversation, I steer away from them. For instance:

    A: teaching is a performance, on a personal level - i'm different (cue to ask him - what are you like on a personal level?)
    Instead B: You would burn out if you was a particular person all the time, who you are professionally is going to be different to your normal day existence.
    Thereby, not engaging in the standard dialogue within dating 'Tell me more about you' .

    In regards the terminology, I will alter it to be more specific when I check it next.
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    The situation solved itself, he intends to move abroad once he's quit his job here, so no chance of a rship if that's what he was looking to pursue. All it seems to me now, is just two people talking on a similar wavelength, and if there are any cues/personal topics in the conversation, I steer away from them. For instance:

    A: teaching is a performance, on a personal level - i'm different (cue to ask him - what are you like on a personal level?)
    Instead B: You would burn out if you was a particular person all the time, who you are professionally is going to be different to your normal day existence.
    Thereby, not engaging in the standard dialogue within dating 'Tell me more about you' .

    In regards the terminology, I will alter it to be more specific when I check it next.
    That sounds pretty safe. You may or may not be losing out on a possibly good friend this time, but oh well. Btw you identified that cue pretty accurately. And when a girl doesn't respond the way I wished she would, I normally assume it's my fault (either not obvious enough, or i don't attract/interest her that much). So nah, he won't think you're plotting against him or being mean. (i assume you aren't)

    Anyways I'm not an expert on this. The friendzoning thing is done by the female side. It's what i hope not to encounter. But it's amazingly simple in that you can pretty much just avoid dropping any romantic hints ever, no matter what he says, and treat him always as a platonic friend and after a while he'll likely get the sense (ok, perhaps self-doubt) he's halfway in the zone already.

    P.S. I think you can be free to make friends as you normally would in the future though, after changing the 'terminology'. You won't have to be that cautious. Just keep it at the back of your mind that you're still talking to single guys on a dating site looking to get attached. Essentially, they may still take a liking to you over time. But that's probably after a long time. )) No worries, many of them won't mind another platonic female friend to partially fill their (possible) emotional/relational void or loneliness.
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    (Original post by AStarryNightSky)
    That sounds pretty safe. You may or may not be losing out on a possibly good friend this time, but oh well. Btw you identified that cue pretty accurately. And when a girl doesn't respond the way I wished she would, I normally assume it's my fault (either not obvious enough, or i don't attract/interest her that much). So nah, he won't think you're plotting against him or being mean. (i assume you aren't)

    Anyways I'm not an expert on this. The friendzoning thing is done by the female side. It's what i hope not to encounter. But it's amazingly simple in that you can pretty much just avoid dropping any romantic hints ever, no matter what he says, and treat him always as a platonic friend and after a while he'll likely get the sense (ok, perhaps self-doubt) he's halfway in the zone already.

    P.S. I think you can be free to make friends as you normally would in the future though, after changing the 'terminology'. You won't have to be that cautious. Just keep it at the back of your mind that you're still talking to single guys on a dating site looking to get attached. Essentially, they may still take a liking to you over time. But that's probably after a long time. )) No worries, many of them won't mind another platonic female friend to partially fill their (possible) emotional/relational void or loneliness.
    I just wanted to avoid the standardised interview type of conversation - it was only there initially. The conversation is flowing more now, even if we don't respond after a couple of days. He has now said: He would only go abroad if the package was right. I tend to respond in a general fashion, kinda like stating facts of life. Tbh, if I asked him that question based on that cue, he would say something so generic, I would have just got fed up *insert outgoing, fun, loving, caring etc here*, so I had to shut him down a little because I hear that a lot from men. How hard is it to be real with someone and say both good/bad traits about yourself?

    I've actually distanced myself a little. I don't really care if he responds quickly or slowly as long as we are maintaining a conversation.

    Believe or not, I'm more likely to date a guy I've friend zoned than a random guy I like. I have a lot more respect for a guy who can be friends with me. If a guy 'friendzones' me straight away, I love it! It makes me happy. I'm so used to guys just hitting on me, that when a guy does not, I think it's refreshing and new. Thanks for the insight. Amendments have been made.
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    (Original post by Salma26)
    I just wanted to avoid the standardised interview type of conversation - it was only there initially. The conversation is flowing more now, even if we don't respond after a couple of days. He has now said: He would only go abroad if the package was right. I tend to respond in a general fashion, kinda like stating facts of life. Tbh, if I asked him that question based on that cue, he would say something so generic, I would have just got fed up *insert outgoing, fun, loving, caring etc here*, so I had to shut him down a little because I hear that a lot from men. How hard is it to be real with someone and say both good/bad traits about yourself?

    I've actually distanced myself a little. I don't really care if he responds quickly or slowly as long as we are maintaining a conversation.

    Believe or not, I'm more likely to date a guy I've friend zoned than a random guy I like. I have a lot more respect for a guy who can be friends with me. If a guy 'friendzones' me straight away, I love it! It makes me happy. I'm so used to guys just hitting on me, that when a guy does not, I think it's refreshing and new. Thanks for the insight. Amendments have been made.
    True. Many people start out being good friends first before realising they like each other more. Anyways from all the stuff you have said, he seems pretty harmless. Especially since he knows you "don't want to rely on a man". Btw i think it's q normal to ask if u had bad experiences with men before. It is natural for women to like the opposite sex too right? If someone basically implies they wish to keep some sort of distance from the opposite sex, you would probably wonder what's the reason that they feel is a bad idea of being in close relations with the opposite sex.

    On a side note, you seem like you're basically responding in a way someone who wants to distance themself more and more such that the conversation eventually dies out would. I feel that if you really hope to be closer friends with him, you would indeed have to reciprocate, as you thought about in an earlier post. If you hope for him to be vulnerable and be easygoing with sharing more of his weaknesses, you would need to give him the space to be vulnerable. Idk how comfortable he is being vulnerable. Would you bawl about a bunch of insecurities to a relatively new male friend IRL? It would be so much easier if he shared about his weaker sides and worries to you as well right? Otherwise you might wonder if he's changing his opinion of you/judging you as a needy, dependent or weak person. Some ppl do judge like that. One suggestion would be that you think about someone who everyone is happy and comfortable being around and chatting with that you know. Think about how he/she makes you feel comfortable sharing stuff, even if it's not-so-pleasant things in your life, even how they acknowledge your presence and time and show enthusiasm and interest in what you say/share (no matter what it may be abt?).

    Alright, cheers! Here's to making a new friend online )) Have a great day!
 
 
 
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