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    Hi guys,

    I am a first-year student and I have only been living in my accommodation for a week but I think getting advice on this situation early will be a benefit. The set-up is six rooms sharing a communal kitchen that also has a small living and dining space. BTW I am also quite an anxious person and I do not go clubbing and that is not something that will ever change, but I do drink occasionally when I am with friends.

    Two of my flatmates (A & B) seem to be the same in this way and they are very nice, however, they tend to isolate themselves a little more than me which often means I am stuck alone in the awkward situation posed by the others (C, D & E).

    On the first night, we played beer pong but due to having no beer it was played with a mixture of Sourz and gin, which meant that C and D got extremely drunk, and cannot remember it but were cuddling on the sofa in a very couple-ish way, even feeling each-other up etc. It was extremely awkward for the rest of us and ever since they have been behaving like a couple, constantly in and out of each others' rooms, spooning on the sofas, going out shopping during the day together and not inviting any others with them. This makes it very awkward because it is a given that when you go into the kitchen to get breakfast they are always laid spooning on the sofa, they say hello but then completely blank you and it makes me feel like I am intruding on something I'm not allowed to be a part of. Moreover, they behave like they are in charge of the flat such as going out together and buying trashy decor for the flat that nobody else is allowed an opinion on (today they spent £30 on a massive football goal that takes up half of the kitchen space) and inviting other flats over for a party - they did ask our permission but in a way that turning it down would have made us look like total *******s.

    Because they are more of the clubbing type, they often go out together with E who is very friendly on his own but when he is with them it feels like they are 3 best friends and suddenly any conversation or laugh you've been having with him goes out of the window because he is more interested in them.

    B works a night shift so last night when we played Ring of Fire we were respectful of him sleeping and left a nice note under his door with love-hearts telling him he was welcome to a share of our pizza, and we didn't get loud until he left. Today I am feeling unwell so when I came back from a busy day I mostly stayed in my room but did eat with them - however, they are not being respectful of me and are playing loud music, clapping, shouting and laughing at the tops of their voices at past midnight. I have had my door knocked on loudly multiple times even though it is clear that I am trying to sleep from my lights being turned off and this was not done to B in case he was asleep, and the note I have been left is obnoxious and condescending.

    I'm sorry for this being such a long post, thank you very much to anyone who has taken the time to read this because the situation is really upsetting me and I don't want it to continue like this.
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    (Original post by LucyRose6)
    Hi guys,

    I am a first-year student and I have only been living in my accommodation for a week but I think getting advice on this situation early will be a benefit. The set-up is six rooms sharing a communal kitchen that also has a small living and dining space. BTW I am also quite an anxious person and I do not go clubbing and that is not something that will ever change, but I do drink occasionally when I am with friends.

    Two of my flatmates (A & B) seem to be the same in this way and they are very nice, however, they tend to isolate themselves a little more than me which often means I am stuck alone in the awkward situation posed by the others (C, D & E).

    On the first night, we played beer pong but due to having no beer it was played with a mixture of Sourz and gin, which meant that C and D got extremely drunk, and cannot remember it but were cuddling on the sofa in a very couple-ish way, even feeling each-other up etc. It was extremely awkward for the rest of us and ever since they have been behaving like a couple, constantly in and out of each others' rooms, spooning on the sofas, going out shopping during the day together and not inviting any others with them. This makes it very awkward because it is a given that when you go into the kitchen to get breakfast they are always laid spooning on the sofa, they say hello but then completely blank you and it makes me feel like I am intruding on something I'm not allowed to be a part of. Moreover, they behave like they are in charge of the flat such as going out together and buying trashy decor for the flat that nobody else is allowed an opinion on (today they spent £30 on a massive football goal that takes up half of the kitchen space) and inviting other flats over for a party - they did ask our permission but in a way that turning it down would have made us look like total *******s.

    Because they are more of the clubbing type, they often go out together with E who is very friendly on his own but when he is with them it feels like they are 3 best friends and suddenly any conversation or laugh you've been having with him goes out of the window because he is more interested in them.

    B works a night shift so last night when we played Ring of Fire we were respectful of him sleeping and left a nice note under his door with love-hearts telling him he was welcome to a share of our pizza, and we didn't get loud until he left. Today I am feeling unwell so when I came back from a busy day I mostly stayed in my room but did eat with them - however, they are not being respectful of me and are playing loud music, clapping, shouting and laughing at the tops of their voices at past midnight. I have had my door knocked on loudly multiple times even though it is clear that I am trying to sleep from my lights being turned off and this was not done to B in case he was asleep, and the note I have been left is obnoxious and condescending.

    I'm sorry for this being such a long post, thank you very much to anyone who has taken the time to read this because the situation is really upsetting me and I don't want it to continue like this.

    Hi there,

    I hope you're alright. Don't apologise for the long post, coming from an expert of long posts...it needs the right person to take time to respond.

    What you should know is that you and the other 2 should come together to face C & D. Really sorry, some will say 'politely' tell them that you are not happy with what they are doing but I was that person. You need to give them the impression that you are a lovely person but also someone who will switch when they don't respect boundaries. I totally understand being friendly, I am called 'too friendly' (that's just my nature) so that came off to others as fake. You must give a stern warning because you don't want to give them the impression where they can take advantage and you'll stay silent. The first week (till week 3) you need to set boundaries.

    Let the pair buy decor...think about it...they are wasting their own money and not yours. As for the noise...how rude?! Tell them that the world doesn't revolve around them. The communal area isn't their second room, people cook and CLEAN doing even get started (my mates roommates had sex in the kitchen). They are really doing their best to isolate themselves without realising. If you feel you can't do this after warning them...complain to security (anonymously) acting as if its a block near you complaining and let them turn up at the convenient time where they are making noise. Act oblivious, see what happens and hope for the best.

    Also, get together with the roommates who does isolate themselves because they might be just like you. You guys can go to the cinema or go to any event together. Just be comfortable, if you guys become friends..great...if not...don't worry you'll find the right people at the right time.

    Trust me when I say freshers friendships don't tend to stay together unless you're really lucky. Groups will always change and be different. Don't let these two force you out of your own flat block because that tells them they've won.

    Please Please don't worry but just pick up your inner confidence and tell them straight up because no one wants to be treated like a doormat further down the line.


    Hope this helps
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    (Original post by Kattah96)
    Hi there,

    I hope you're alright. Don't apologise for the long post, coming from an expert of long posts...it needs the right person to take time to respond.

    What you should know is that you and the other 2 should come together to face C & D. Really sorry, some will say 'politely' tell them that you are not happy with what they are doing but I was that person. You need to give them the impression that you are a lovely person but also someone who will switch when they don't respect boundaries. I totally understand being friendly, I am called 'too friendly' (that's just my nature) so that came off to others as fake. You must give a stern warning because you don't want to give them the impression where they can take advantage and you'll stay silent. The first week (till week 3) you need to set boundaries.

    Let the pair buy decor...think about it...they are wasting their own money and not yours. As for the noise...how rude?! Tell them that the world doesn't revolve around them. The communal area isn't their second room, people cook and CLEAN doing even get started (my mates roommates had sex in the kitchen). They are really doing their best to isolate themselves without realising. If you feel you can't do this after warning them...complain to security (anonymously) acting as if its a block near you complaining and let them turn up at the convenient time where they are making noise. Act oblivious, see what happens and hope for the best.

    Also, get together with the roommates who does isolate themselves because they might be just like you. You guys can go to the cinema or go to any event together. Just be comfortable, if you guys become friends..great...if not...don't worry you'll find the right people at the right time.

    Trust me when I say freshers friendships don't tend to stay together unless you're really lucky. Groups will always change and be different. Don't let these two force you out of your own flat block because that tells them they've won.

    Please Please don't worry but just pick up your inner confidence and tell them straight up because no one wants to be treated like a doormat further down the line.


    Hope this helps
    Thank you so much for your lovely response, we have actually already been complained about by the flat beneath us so that may happen again. I think your advice on pulling closer to the other two is very good, especially giving the impression of being somebody who can switch to being stern quickly, may just have to be extra grumpy tomorrow morning! Luckily I have already made a friend on my course and have joined a society
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    (Original post by LucyRose6)
    Thank you so much for your lovely response, we have actually already been complained about by the flat beneath us so that may happen again. I think your advice on pulling closer to the other two is very good, especially giving the impression of being somebody who can switch to being stern quickly, may just have to be extra grumpy tomorrow morning! Luckily I have already made a friend on my course and have joined a society
    Aww no worries, just try your best with your flatmates (and at uni in general) and make sure you continue to enjoy yourself and everything will fall into place.

    Gurlll you switch it up let them knowwww you aren't playing around attitude and don't apologise for it (saying this is a ghetto sista voice). I am happy to hear you have made yourself a friend and joined a society.

    Glad to know you found it helpful. x
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    (Original post by LucyRose6)
    Hi guys,

    I am a first-year student and I have only been living in my accommodation for a week but I think getting advice on this situation early will be a benefit. The set-up is six rooms sharing a communal kitchen that also has a small living and dining space. BTW I am also quite an anxious person and I do not go clubbing and that is not something that will ever change, but I do drink occasionally when I am with friends.

    Two of my flatmates (A & B) seem to be the same in this way and they are very nice, however, they tend to isolate themselves a little more than me which often means I am stuck alone in the awkward situation posed by the others (C, D & E).

    On the first night, we played beer pong but due to having no beer it was played with a mixture of Sourz and gin, which meant that C and D got extremely drunk, and cannot remember it but were cuddling on the sofa in a very couple-ish way, even feeling each-other up etc. It was extremely awkward for the rest of us and ever since they have been behaving like a couple, constantly in and out of each others' rooms, spooning on the sofas, going out shopping during the day together and not inviting any others with them. This makes it very awkward because it is a given that when you go into the kitchen to get breakfast they are always laid spooning on the sofa, they say hello but then completely blank you and it makes me feel like I am intruding on something I'm not allowed to be a part of. Moreover, they behave like they are in charge of the flat such as going out together and buying trashy decor for the flat that nobody else is allowed an opinion on (today they spent £30 on a massive football goal that takes up half of the kitchen space) and inviting other flats over for a party - they did ask our permission but in a way that turning it down would have made us look like total *******s.

    Because they are more of the clubbing type, they often go out together with E who is very friendly on his own but when he is with them it feels like they are 3 best friends and suddenly any conversation or laugh you've been having with him goes out of the window because he is more interested in them.

    B works a night shift so last night when we played Ring of Fire we were respectful of him sleeping and left a nice note under his door with love-hearts telling him he was welcome to a share of our pizza, and we didn't get loud until he left. Today I am feeling unwell so when I came back from a busy day I mostly stayed in my room but did eat with them - however, they are not being respectful of me and are playing loud music, clapping, shouting and laughing at the tops of their voices at past midnight. I have had my door knocked on loudly multiple times even though it is clear that I am trying to sleep from my lights being turned off and this was not done to B in case he was asleep, and the note I have been left is obnoxious and condescending.

    I'm sorry for this being such a long post, thank you very much to anyone who has taken the time to read this because the situation is really upsetting me and I don't want it to continue like this.
    That was well written and easy to read. If only all OPs were like that.

    What is it thats upsetting you? If its the noise and knocking on the door, then you can do three things.

    1. Put a note on your door either do not disturb or ill and trying to get some sleep.
    2. Get some earplugs.

    To some extent they will be excitable in the first few weeks, but have a word and ask them to keep it down after midnight as others are asleep.
    Do it in a lighthearted but firm way.

    3. If they continue to annoy/ disrespect you keep a diary. Ask them again and if not interested then its up to you to have a word with the warden. It would help if he other 2 said the same.

    4. You are doing a good job mixing with them. get outside friends and then they are just flatmates.

    5. I think they might be a couple but dont be surprised if it splits in the first term. Not sure you can do a lot about hem being a couple. Just be polite an ignore hem mostly.

    6. For the moment dont take it personally and let things settle. Its only a week and not time to make enemies. Dont be afraid to stand your ground and dont be intimidated. Dont lose it and dont confront yet or it could end up with 3v 1 an them harassing.
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    who cares of they want to cuddle and stuff? you seem very jealous and maybe you like one of them? If they like each other and feel comfortable to spoon so let them. You go find your self a spooning partner.

    And why is it an issue that they spend time in each others room? whats wrong with them going shopping together?

    why dont you ask one of the others to do this? or as the whole flat 'hey lets go for a meal this week?'

    As to the football goal post thing/decor. Have a flat vote.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    That was well written and easy to read. If only all OPs were like that.

    What is it thats upsetting you? If its the noise and knocking on the door, then you can do three things.

    1. Put a note on your door either do not disturb or ill and trying to get some sleep.
    2. Get some earplugs.

    To some extent they will be excitable in the first few weeks, but have a word and ask them to keep it down after midnight as others are asleep.
    Do it in a lighthearted but firm way.

    3. If they continue to annoy/ disrespect you keep a diary. Ask them again and if not interested then its up to you to have a word with the warden. It would help if he other 2 said the same.

    4. You are doing a good job mixing with them. get outside friends and then they are just flatmates.

    5. I think they might be a couple but dont be surprised if it splits in the first term. Not sure you can do a lot about hem being a couple. Just be polite an ignore hem mostly.

    6. For the moment dont take it personally and let things settle. Its only a week and not time to make enemies. Dont be afraid to stand your ground and dont be intimidated. Dont lose it and dont confront yet or it could end up with 3v 1 an them harassing.
    Thanks for the advice (and the writing complement - guess A Level English wasn't a waste of my time hahaha), what bothers me most is the lack of respect that the world does not revolve around them, since they are being very loud in the middle of the night right now. I may mention it in the morning if anybody asks how I slept or something, but will let the freshers-ness of everything settle down before I do anything rash
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    (Original post by freedom)
    who cares of they want to cuddle and stuff? you seem very jealous and maybe you like one of them? If they like each other and feel comfortable to spoon so let them. You go find your self a spooning partner.

    And why is it an issue that they spend time in each others room? whats wrong with them going shopping together?

    why dont you ask one of the others to do this? or as the whole flat 'hey lets go for a meal this week?'

    As to the football goal post thing/decor. Have a flat vote.
    You're coming across as a little standoff-ish here, why would you assume that I am annoyed due to jealousy? They are making things awkward in communal areas because it feels like walking into a private moment between a couple. As to them doing things together I only mentioned that to build a picture of how much time they spend together. As to the decor it is very large pieces being bought and put up by them and too late and confrontational to propose a vote on something that has already been done.
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    I think you may be making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. I understand it can be a bit awkward walking in on people while they are practically spooning, but it's not exactly hurting you...and where else would you expect them to do it, if not there own flat? Which is also why I don't really understand why you don't seem happy with them spending a lot of time in each other's rooms..it's not really your business or concern?

    I can sympathise with the goal post, must be annoying. But in all likelihood, all the people coming round will probably die down as the year goes on and studies actually get serious as people have coursework and exams.

    Next time when they are loud when you are trying to sleep just politely ask them to quieten down, if they don't they are inconsiderate people and there isn't much you can do about that other than escalate it to the accommodation warden and count down the days til you move out.
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    Having read kattahs advise I agree about boundaries. You arent their mum but they need to show some consideration for others. Midnight I thinks ok.

    I wouldnt put up with knocking the door as an annoyance, think it comes from being assertive and self confident.
    I wouldnt give them a lecture as I think that will backfire when all you need is a lighter touch where they tone it down a bit.
    Once you go into argument mode it can get very lord of the flies, so tread carefully but dont put up with crap.
    Im not sure hugging the other two is going to work that well as they arent there, make friends by all means but they dont sound reliable.
    I'm not convinced the complaint to security is going to work unless its just a general complaint about noise and is aimed at the whole flat. Do not id them as they will figure it out.

    If they clam down when lectures start or just at weekends then it should be ok. I would just stick with it for now.
    Do get yourself some friends for societies and coursemates though and then you can always o round to theirs or out for the evening.

    Im more or less in agreement with sophie. Whether they were spooning or not wouldnt bother me. Just ignore.
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    (Original post by LucyRose6)
    Thanks for the advice (and the writing complement - guess A Level English wasn't a waste of my time hahaha), what bothers me most is the lack of respect that the world does not revolve around them, since they are being very loud in the middle of the night right now. I may mention it in the morning if anybody asks how I slept or something, but will let the freshers-ness of everything settle down before I do anything rash
    I would let it ride for a week and it might resolve itself. If you use the phrase the world doesnt revolve around you, then its kind if a declaration of war fro people youve known a week. better to say your piece and smile. Just ask them to keep it down after midnight. I think it will settle, but i give them a few chances to hang themselves first.
 
 
 
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