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I told my best friend how I feel about her and I can't handle the after effects :(

Hi there.

Apologies in advance if this becomes rather long.

Basically for a long time now I had developed strong feelings for a friend of mine whom I got quite close to when I was at another uni. We were quite close friends and would hang out with each other etc.

I eventually left that course and university to go to another university. Towards the end of my time we had a bit of a falling out (due to numerous reasons) and we parted ways on bad terms. We hadn't spoken to each other for months but during that time I never stopped thinking of her. We reconciled recently and I was surprised how quick she was to forgive me for my part in the falling out.

Anyways we've met up a few times since I returned home from uni at various weekends. I decided last weekend to tell her how I really felt about her and she seemed really happy and flattered and overwhelmed. I'm not sure if I interpreted things correctly but I feel that maybe she felt the same way.

However despite all that, she said she couldn't be with me for two reasons; one being that she wanted to remain single for a while in light of previous setbacks and another being she didn't think she could date someone from outside her own race due to problems it caused between her and her family last time she did that.

She did say however she wanted us to remain the best of friends and that she would meet up with me again next time I returned home. However since that night she texted me asking me not to contact her again for a while as she fears I am thinking about her too much when I should be studying.

I haven't contacted her for a week and whilst I thought that this would have helped, I think it has made things a whole lot worse. As much as I try I feel this whole issue along with other issues at uni has affected my studies this week and I just don't know how to get over all this.

Deep down I am clinging to the small shred of hope that she does have some feelings for me and that at some point in the future she will tell me she wants to be more than friends. On the other hand I am not good at judging people's feelings and I have no idea whether she feels the same way about me. Also with the fact there is no contact between us I feel rather lonely and isolated in the whole situation as I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone else. I feel that by not contacting/speaking to me that maybe she does not care about me as friend or the way I thought she did and maybe it is best I just move on.

I really am at my wits end as to what to do with this situation. I have work that needs to be done and just don't know how to get over this and block it out of my mind.

Please, I need some help and advice. I feel like I'm falling apart here. :'(

Thanks in advance for any advice you could give me.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

Also I find myself just crying myself to sleep every night which I am totally ashamed of as I am usually such a strong willed character and normally it takes a lot to bring me down. I just feel this whole issue has really sapped my soul out of me and I just can't seem to find a way of giving myself the kick up the backside I need to do my work.

Reply 2

little.miss.vicki

I'm not really sure there's a magic answer, it's going to take time (but you will get over it). You just need to distract yourself with other friends (even if you really don't feel like going out). Please PM if you want to talk xxxxx

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Hi thanks for the reply. I just felt she was so right for me. I made the mistake of going for the wrong girls in the past and so I thought by making a move on her I was doing the right thing. Alas I've been left heartbroken once again. I don't know if I can cope with this so many times :frown:

Reply 4

Sanity Panda

Sorry to hear about this situation. I'm afraid that she might be hinting at you to move on with your feelings, while she's happy to still continue your friendship. I do think she cares about you, just maybe not in the way you would like it to be.

I won't suggest giving hope or moving on as that's totally up to you.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Yeah I understand. Like I said I'm not really good with this sort of thing so have no idea how to interpret the feelings but I do think the most likely outcome would be to move on.

I just feel so bitterly disappointed as just when I thought I had found the girl that was right for me, turns out she doesn't want to/can't be with me. I care about her so much but I don't know whether she feels or ever felt the same way.

Thing is whenever I was around her or think of her, I'm always happiest and I fear that now I may have lost her as a friend despite her assurances we would remain friends.

I hate myself sometimes because I always keep setting myself for potential upset and I never seem to figure out a quick and hassle-free way of getting over it.

It just seems to be more painful every time. :frown:

Reply 6

little.miss.vicki

Even if she's not right someone else will be. I think that you probably do need to move on, even if it's just for the time being. It will hurt more if you carry on hoping that something will happen between you, believe me I've spent a whole term daydreaming about getting back with my ex (minus his flaws lol) and it hasn't helped (I've just made myself miserable cos he's moved on and I haven't). Please don't worry it will get easier, being heartbroken is horrible.
Wait until you're sure you've moved on before contacting her again. Focus on your other friendsxxxxxx

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Yeah I know deep down in my heart I have no option but to move despite how upset it makes me feel.

I don't know if I can ever bring myself to contact her again though. Maybe it's best if I just wait and let her contact me. I guess I just have to get used to be single for a while longer :frown:

Reply 8

Sanity Panda

You know... I'm tempted say don't throw in the towel and see how things play out between you and her. You could also ask her if she's completely moved on.

This might be one of the most pointless phrase to say at this time but... If you love someone, let them go completely without expectation of return. You'll most likely have moved on when that happens though :s-smilie:

Regarding your relationship with her, even if it seems like it. You're friends with her, nothing will ever change that fact. There was this great quote I saw from someone...

"A step up from friendship is not a relationship"

Reply 9

little.miss.vicki

You're right, It might feel awful for a bit but in the long term it's better than hoping for a relationship that can't work. She does like you as a friend but she doesn't want it to go any further and it is probably too painful for you to stay in contact until you feel the same way. Good luck (hope you feel better soon) Hugs xxxxxxxxx

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

Without sounding selfish but I do feel that she hasn't been friendly with me at all this week. She told me not to contact for a bit and didn't say how long that would and then emailed me about something else a few days later and asked me not to reply to her email which all made me feel really bad.

I feel all alone her at uni as even though I have lots of friends I don't really feel that close to anyone that I can trust them with something so personal as this. Also she was such a good friend to me and we could talk to each other and feel that with her gone from my life, well I just feel even more alone.

Maybe I am over reacting and I understand she needs her time and space as I'm sure the past week's events couldn't have been easy for her either.

Also I agree with Sainty Panda in that the reason why I accepted her reasons when she told me them was because I do genuinely care about her and want what's only best for her. If that means being with another guy and not with me, then I'm happy for her.

Reply 11

Titch89

14

Anonymous

Anyways we've met up a few times since I returned home from uni at various weekends. I decided last weekend to tell her how I really felt about her and she seemed really happy and flattered and overwhelmed. I'm not sure if I interpreted things correctly but I feel that maybe she felt the same way.

There are some people (I experienced this last year) who will say things like this, but don't feel the same way and are just doing it to be polite. I'm not saying that she doesn't feel the same way, but just pointing something out.

With the stuff about not contacting her - she may also mean it as for helping you move on. I remember a few years ago, someone said to me: 'I'm going away for 3 weeks. It might be longer depending on how everything goes. Maybe this will help you get over me and move on.' And it did help me, alot.

maybe it is best I just move on.

That's all you can really do.

However since that night she texted me asking me not to contact her again for a while as she fears I am thinking about her too much when I should be studying.

(I am in no way implying this will happen to you)
If you stay in contact with her for now, you may become clingy. This will make moving on very hard. I had this happen to me 3 years ago and it took ages to move on.

Reply 12

User129003

11

I'm guessing she's Asian?

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

I'd rather not say as I fear she or her friends may use this forum and be able to identify me. Her ethnicity may be from that region of the world. But she is not asian in the sense of what we in Britain term as "Asian". Sorry for speaking in code there.

Reply 14

Sanity Panda

You know what?

Personally I think she's being unfair here in saying that you shouldn't contact her. I'm sure it's not intended but in an indirect way she's basically telling you that you can't keep the boundaries so she'll set them instead when in reality you obviously respect her enough to stick with her decision.

She ought to tell you whether it's over. I think you should ask too for you're own closure and then if so, you can accept the decision and move on rather than constantly wondering.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

To Titch,

That is what I have been thinking. Giving into the temptation fo contacting her would simply make me appear to be clingy and would more or less frighten her off and I would lose her forever as a friend.

As I keep saying even though she seemed so perfect for me and felt like the key to my heart, in reality if she doesn't feel the same way then there can't be a relationship and it's best to just move on.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

Sanity Panda

You know what?

Personally I think she's being unfair here in saying that you shouldn't contact her. I'm sure it's not intended but in an indirect way she's basically telling you that you can't keep the boundaries so she'll set them instead when in reality you obviously respect her enough to stick with her decision.

She ought to tell you whether it's over. I think you should ask too for you're own closure and then if so, you can accept the decision and move on rather than constantly wondering.

The thing is had contacted her a lot prior to the night we went out but I never made reference to my feelings about her during that.

I'm not quite sure what you mean in your post. Are you saying I should perhaps contact her again to seek a concrete answer as to whether or not we could ever be together? Or to ask her when would be suitable to contact her again?

I am just trying my best not to contact her or think of her but as you will have seen from my posts and hence my desperate cry for help, I am struggling.

Reply 17

Sanity Panda

I think closure would be the best thing for you, it'd certainly help with moving on. I'm recommending here to ask whether she's totally moved on.

She doesn't need to help you move on by telling you to not contact her, you can do that yourself once you stop hoping for a relationship.

You've got to be prepared to accept or hear the truth though... In my opinion that's better than a long drawn out process of forgetting someone slowly, that method usually affects friendship in a huge way too since your essentially emotionally detaching yourself completely from their life. I don't believe it's impossible to be friends with someone who you previously wanted a relationship with.

Reply 18

Spannerism

If you ask her for a concrete answer, like do you really mean it, it is just a sign that you haven't gotten over her at all and are still hoping that she is going to date you

I wouldn't be so heartbroken, the reason she has said no contact is most probably with your best interests in mind, and it could potentialy mean that she is itnerested too. Either way, accept that she is distant for now and get your studies done.

Take a bit of time, play it by ear and see how it goes for you

Reply 19

Lady Disdain

Anonymous

I'd rather not say as I fear she or her friends may use this forum and be able to identify me. Her ethnicity may be from that region of the world. But she is not asian in the sense of what we in Britain term as "Asian". Sorry for speaking in code there.

So she's Oriental then.

I'm like a detective, I am.

I told my best friend how I feel about her and I can't handle the after effects :(

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