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    I've been dating a good friend since the end of April. We got along fairly well for the first few months of the relationship but it wasn't really a relationship I felt fully invested in.

    Recently depression has kicked in and I'm seeing a GP for it, but it's turned me into a person I don't like. I feel quite detached and distant and my boyfriend is giving me the silent treatment because I'm so emotionally unreliable (some days I really don't want to be touched, some days I can manage some intimacy) so he now just steers clear.

    I feel like this is a really unfair relationship for him to be in, and it's making my mental health even worse because I'd been having doubts about the relationship for months. But every time I voiced them he'd tell me I was probably just panicking, and every time we split up we got back together a few days later. In the end I felt like I was messing about with him but I didn't mean to and I really didn't know how to have a normal relationship anymore.

    For his sake and my own, I really need to end it, but he's very emotionally attached to me and I know it'll hurt him.

    How do I make it clear that this time is for real? And how do I manage living in the same house as him?

    Doing this anonymously so I don't get judgement on my real account.
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    Firstly you need to have a serious talk face-to-face with him. Explain your current feelings and you feel some time apart would be the best thing - time for you to concentrate on your health, and time for him to not have to worry so much. Recently, you accept the emotional distance and you cannot be the girlfriend that you want to be, which isn't fair on him. He deserves to be happy too.

    After you have told him, he should acknowledge this. If you want, you could still stay friends. However, have you got an alternative place to live in? If he doesn't take the break up well, living together might be awkward.
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    Did he not make an attempt to help you through your depression? Or have you been trying to avoid that from him.

    Just ask him if you can become normal friends. I'm sure if he's rational he'll feel fine about it, especially since he knows it's because of your depression.
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    (Original post by cheesecakelove)
    Firstly you need to have a serious talk face-to-face with him. Explain your current feelings and you feel some time apart would be the best thing - time for you to concentrate on your health, and time for him to not have to worry so much. Recently, you accept the emotional distance and you cannot be the girlfriend that you want to be, which isn't fair on him. He deserves to be happy too.

    After you have told him, he should acknowledge this. If you want, you could still stay friends. However, have you got an alternative place to live in? If he doesn't take the break up well, living together might be awkward.
    If things go really badly, I have friends who will let me sleep on their sofa, until I can move out. I can't go back to live with my parents because they don't live near my uni. However, there are always students looking for housemates so I should be able to move. It would just be very inconvenient and unfair for my current housemates as their rent would become more expensive and I wouldn't be able to take my furniture with me.

    Staying friends is an ideal option as we're in the same society and social circles, but I'm honestly not sure he's capable of doing that. We've tried it in the past and that's why our breakups have failed.
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    (Original post by VirgoStrain)
    Did he not make an attempt to help you through your depression? Or have you been trying to avoid that from him.

    Just ask him if you can become normal friends. I'm sure if he's rational he'll feel fine about it, especially since he knows it's because of your depression.
    He's had depression in the past I'm fairly sure. But I'm not sure he fully believes that I'm depressed because he keeps blaming all my problems on stress. Which is probably a cause but I am still at a stage where I can identify factors in my depression and stress is not the only thing. A failing relationship and an unlively household where nobody does anything interesting and every day is the same (leading to serious cabin fever), is also causing issues.

    I suspect my issues are causing unwelcome memories of his best friend, whom he had a big crush on. She was very similar to me in a lot of ways but she got serious depression and kind of pushed him away. I feel like he doesn't always see me, he sees his friend.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been dating a good friend since the end of April. We got along fairly well for the first few months of the relationship but it wasn't really a relationship I felt fully invested in.

    Recently depression has kicked in and I'm seeing a GP for it, but it's turned me into a person I don't like. I feel quite detached and distant and my boyfriend is giving me the silent treatment because I'm so emotionally unreliable (some days I really don't want to be touched, some days I can manage some intimacy) so he now just steers clear.

    I feel like this is a really unfair relationship for him to be in, and it's making my mental health even worse because I'd been having doubts about the relationship for months. But every time I voiced them he'd tell me I was probably just panicking, and every time we split up we got back together a few days later. In the end I felt like I was messing about with him but I didn't mean to and I really didn't know how to have a normal relationship anymore.

    For his sake and my own, I really need to end it, but he's very emotionally attached to me and I know it'll hurt him.

    How do I make it clear that this time is for real? And how do I manage living in the same house as him?

    Doing this anonymously so I don't get judgement on my real account.

    Tell him youve seen the GP about stress and depression. At the moment you just arent able to handle a relationship so its best for both to call it a day, its not his fault, but you feel youd both be better off and it would be unwise to get back together.

    Cut contact for a while after that. Short and simple.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    If things go really badly, I have friends who will let me sleep on their sofa, until I can move out. I can't go back to live with my parents because they don't live near my uni. However, there are always students looking for housemates so I should be able to move. It would just be very inconvenient and unfair for my current housemates as their rent would become more expensive and I wouldn't be able to take my furniture with me.

    Staying friends is an ideal option as we're in the same society and social circles, but I'm honestly not sure he's capable of doing that. We've tried it in the past and that's why our breakups have failed.
    If it hasn't worked in the past, then maybe friends isn't an option. I honestly think time apart is the best thing for the both of you, and if that means restricting contact with him, then so be it. It may be later down the line, when you are in a better place, that you may be able to become friends again, but you need to concentrate on your health first!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He's had depression in the past I'm fairly sure. But I'm not sure he fully believes that I'm depressed because he keeps blaming all my problems on stress. Which is probably a cause but I am still at a stage where I can identify factors in my depression and stress is not the only thing. A failing relationship and an unlively household where nobody does anything interesting and every day is the same (leading to serious cabin fever), is also causing issues.

    I suspect my issues are causing unwelcome memories of his best friend, whom he had a big crush on. She was very similar to me in a lot of ways but she got serious depression and kind of pushed him away. I feel like he doesn't always see me, he sees his friend.
    In all honesty, I feel the same. Every day is the same for me. I go to school, I go to whatever club I'm signed up to, then i come back home and play my instrument and/or sit on my computer. I get good grades, and I think I'll have more than enough stuff on my CV to go to Uni. But I feel like there's a big hole in my life. Sometimes I feel really sad, sometimes I feel nothing because everything's so bland, and I haven't felt genuinely happy in months/years. But it's not because of stress. I rarely speak with friends, but I do often speak with classmates and teachers. I've only really had someone over at my house once every few months. I haven't been to a party or to someone else's house in 10 years (I'm 16 and a boy btw) and I've only ever been to same sex schools, which makes it so much harder to try and become genuine friends with any girls.

    Have you ever felt like this? And was this how you felt when you were diagnosed with depression, or was the feeling much worse?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In all honesty, I feel the same. Every day is the same for me. I go to school, I go to whatever club I'm signed up to, then i come back home and play my instrument and/or sit on my computer. I get good grades, and I think I'll have more than enough stuff on my CV to go to Uni. But I feel like there's a big hole in my life. Sometimes I feel really sad, sometimes I feel nothing because everything's so bland, and I haven't felt genuinely happy in months/years. But it's not because of stress. I rarely speak with friends, but I do often speak with classmates and teachers. I've only really had someone over at my house once every few months. I haven't been to a party or to someone else's house in 10 years (I'm 16 and a boy btw) and I've only ever been to same sex schools, which makes it so much harder to try and become genuine friends with any girls.

    Have you ever felt like this? And was this how you felt when you were diagnosed with depression, or was the feeling much worse?
    Everyone's feelings and experiences of depression are different. While I didn't have the same feelings, this is probably down to individual circumstances.

    I noticed the changes very strongly because I had been very genuinely happy about everything when I went to university and had a lot of enthusiasm. At around Easter, that started changing. I became a lot tenser and more stressed about things, and lost a lot of interest in things I had previously enjoyed. I started not really engaging with people and my emotions felt dampened (a bit like speaking into a pillow; you know the emotions are there but they don't feel as distinct). Days started merging and I began to forget conversations and social engagements and spend all my time in my room with the blind down because I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and let some light in.

    At the moment, I'd describe my feelings as a mixed bag.

    About 50 percent of the time, I'm really miserable, most commonly in the evenings and at night. I call this the "my life is empty and meaningless" state. Crying for no real reason, thinking I'm an awful person, and so on. I also have the state of emotional detachment which is where my brain is miserable but the message hasn't quite got through to the rest of me because I'm still numb. At least, I'm numb until I get touched which is when it makes my brain scream. In these states, I want to be alone and I don't want any physical contact. At all.

    40 percent of the time I'm "meh", often with a near constant feeling of being fed up. A "meh" day is a good day. I don't feel any strong emotions, I'm more rational when I deal with people and sometimes I'm happy to do things like social activities. This is the time I might be happy to do things like cuddle but I don't feel very much.

    The remaining percent of the time is my upbeat / positive state. I'm able to smile genuinely, I can feel genuine good feelings and I'm overall quite calm. I feel as if I've beaten the depression for now. At the moment, I'm in one of these states because I just spent three hours doing physical activity and I'm looking forward to the pizza I'm going to get when I leave the campus library. I don't feel the need to sleep in the day and chances are if someone made a joke I would laugh.

    I haven't been formally diagnosed yet. I'm still going through that progress. The GP didn't want to "label" me as anything but he said my feelings were symptomatic of depression, and they'd discuss treatment plans when I go back in two weeks.

    It sounds like you may have some feelings of depression but only a doctor will be able to diagnose you, if you are concerned.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Everyone's feelings and experiences of depression are different. While I didn't have the same feelings, this is probably down to individual circumstances.

    I noticed the changes very strongly because I had been very genuinely happy about everything when I went to university and had a lot of enthusiasm. At around Easter, that started changing. I became a lot tenser and more stressed about things, and lost a lot of interest in things I had previously enjoyed. I started not really engaging with people and my emotions felt dampened (a bit like speaking into a pillow; you know the emotions are there but they don't feel as distinct). Days started merging and I began to forget conversations and social engagements and spend all my time in my room with the blind down because I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and let some light in.

    At the moment, I'd describe my feelings as a mixed bag.

    About 50 percent of the time, I'm really miserable, most commonly in the evenings and at night. I call this the "my life is empty and meaningless" state. Crying for no real reason, thinking I'm an awful person, and so on. I also have the state of emotional detachment which is where my brain is miserable but the message hasn't quite got through to the rest of me because I'm still numb. At least, I'm numb until I get touched which is when it makes my brain scream. In these states, I want to be alone and I don't want any physical contact. At all.

    40 percent of the time I'm "meh", often with a near constant feeling of being fed up. A "meh" day is a good day. I don't feel any strong emotions, I'm more rational when I deal with people and sometimes I'm happy to do things like social activities. This is the time I might be happy to do things like cuddle but I don't feel very much.

    The remaining percent of the time is my upbeat / positive state. I'm able to smile genuinely, I can feel genuine good feelings and I'm overall quite calm. I feel as if I've beaten the depression for now. At the moment, I'm in one of these states because I just spent three hours doing physical activity and I'm looking forward to the pizza I'm going to get when I leave the campus library. I don't feel the need to sleep in the day and chances are if someone made a joke I would laugh.

    I haven't been formally diagnosed yet. I'm still going through that progress. The GP didn't want to "label" me as anything but he said my feelings were symptomatic of depression, and they'd discuss treatment plans when I go back in two weeks.

    It sounds like you may have some feelings of depression but only a doctor will be able to diagnose you, if you are concerned.
    If I was in University without and away from my family like you are, I'd have the same feelings. The only reason I haven't truly felt down in the dumps is because I feel obligated to do proper work for my AS and A-Level exams, and because there's so many extracurricular things going on, as well as work experience and competitions I'd like to enter, books I need to read etc. I feel like I can't truly feel happy until I've reached my dream university, successfully completed my course and got a great job. Looks like I've got many years of boredom lying ahead.

    I've never felt truly depressed but have reached points where I knew what it might feel like.
 
 
 
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