Always overthinking/stressed out
Little bit of background, before I came to uni, I had a really rough childhood with BOTH parents being abusive even after running away from the worse one (mum was verbal, physical & emotional, dad and stepmum just verbal & emotional.) So it's safe to say I have some issues with overthinking among other trauma (flashbacks, nightmares, etc. which are triggered by stressful, usually domestic, situations.) I've never been to therapy or got any treatment just as a disclaimer so I'm not going to put any labels on my mental state, but I feel like you guys need to know this stuff for me to explain.
So recently I moved into a 4 bed student house. I'm in second year and had a rough time last year. Nothing seemed to go right except my course, I couldn't find work, my parents kept putting more and more pressure and threatening me and blaming me, there were arguments in my flat constantly, I made some friends from uni but always felt like the "second best" friend.
There have been disputes about cleaning in our house. I've only been here a month and it didn't seem all directed at me at first which I'm glad about because I don't think I've been causing that much of a mess. But this guy, our housemate, he really kicked off in the groupchat and left nasty notes on the fridge and just made the whole house awkward to be in. I was sick in bed and he spent about four hours doing the "I'm proving a point" clean and blasting music. This may sound not so bad but I've always had issues with cleaning. My stepmum used to rail on me hard if I forgot to do just one chore at home and she'd exclude me from the family, make me sit up in my room, not speak to me at all. Even if I did chores and they weren't up to my specification, she'd do stuff like this, and call me stupid, lazy and worthless. So the housemate's outburst kind of did this which I think triggered an anxiety attack on top of being sick because my heart started racing, I felt like I couldn't breathe and was shaking. I was scared to even go into the kitchen or downstairs to use the toilet because I just thought "what if he treats me like my stepmum did". We also had issues in my flat in the first year, we had two really slobby boys who didn't know how bins worked vs. one overly clean housemate who got angry if you left dishes to dry for more than 10 minutes.
I feel like I'm becoming the scapegoat for my housemates because they were all already friends before I moved in, even tho I usually stick to my room keep all my mess in here and having very little to do with the communal areas. Even to day, my housemates were talking in the hallway (probably thought I had headphones on) and seemed pissed off that I'd moved clothes that had been left there for days out of the washer so I could stick a load on. It just makes me feel so awkward and unwanted in the house. One of the guys I've lived with has barely said two words to me since I moved in even tho he'll sit in the living room watching game of thrones. I don't even get a 'hi'
On top of this, I'm stressing about money and trying to find a job. Student loan was nearly non existent to begin with and running out fast, parents offer little support and when they do it's always with criticism and judgement so I try to avoid going to them. I've been going to interviews and even though most of them seem to go well I don't hear from them again. It's adding to me feeling just worthless and horrible.
I feel so tired and sick all the time and like I could burst into tears. I wanted to scream today when the housemate who kicked off came back and immediately started *****ing just to get the energy out.
I've been going round to a friend off my course's house a lot, I really like her but I feel bad for constantly coming to her with all my problems, plus I can't stay there forever.
The only thing keeping me sane is my uni course but I'm only in 3 days a week.
I really think I should try and resolve things with my housemates but my parents basically trained me to be a pushover. Whenever I got into fights with them I would always back down because I didn't want to inconvenience them and they would threaten to send me to live with my grandparents if I got too mouthy. I can imagine in my head just telling them I don't want to get sucked into stupid drama and I'd appreciate if they'd not talk about me behind my back but I can just imagine them all ganging up against me and me feeling even more alienated in my own home.
Honestly there's so much **** going on I don't even know what this thread is supposed to be lmao.
So recently I moved into a 4 bed student house. I'm in second year and had a rough time last year. Nothing seemed to go right except my course, I couldn't find work, my parents kept putting more and more pressure and threatening me and blaming me, there were arguments in my flat constantly, I made some friends from uni but always felt like the "second best" friend.
There have been disputes about cleaning in our house. I've only been here a month and it didn't seem all directed at me at first which I'm glad about because I don't think I've been causing that much of a mess. But this guy, our housemate, he really kicked off in the groupchat and left nasty notes on the fridge and just made the whole house awkward to be in. I was sick in bed and he spent about four hours doing the "I'm proving a point" clean and blasting music. This may sound not so bad but I've always had issues with cleaning. My stepmum used to rail on me hard if I forgot to do just one chore at home and she'd exclude me from the family, make me sit up in my room, not speak to me at all. Even if I did chores and they weren't up to my specification, she'd do stuff like this, and call me stupid, lazy and worthless. So the housemate's outburst kind of did this which I think triggered an anxiety attack on top of being sick because my heart started racing, I felt like I couldn't breathe and was shaking. I was scared to even go into the kitchen or downstairs to use the toilet because I just thought "what if he treats me like my stepmum did". We also had issues in my flat in the first year, we had two really slobby boys who didn't know how bins worked vs. one overly clean housemate who got angry if you left dishes to dry for more than 10 minutes.
I feel like I'm becoming the scapegoat for my housemates because they were all already friends before I moved in, even tho I usually stick to my room keep all my mess in here and having very little to do with the communal areas. Even to day, my housemates were talking in the hallway (probably thought I had headphones on) and seemed pissed off that I'd moved clothes that had been left there for days out of the washer so I could stick a load on. It just makes me feel so awkward and unwanted in the house. One of the guys I've lived with has barely said two words to me since I moved in even tho he'll sit in the living room watching game of thrones. I don't even get a 'hi'
On top of this, I'm stressing about money and trying to find a job. Student loan was nearly non existent to begin with and running out fast, parents offer little support and when they do it's always with criticism and judgement so I try to avoid going to them. I've been going to interviews and even though most of them seem to go well I don't hear from them again. It's adding to me feeling just worthless and horrible.
I feel so tired and sick all the time and like I could burst into tears. I wanted to scream today when the housemate who kicked off came back and immediately started *****ing just to get the energy out.
I've been going round to a friend off my course's house a lot, I really like her but I feel bad for constantly coming to her with all my problems, plus I can't stay there forever.
The only thing keeping me sane is my uni course but I'm only in 3 days a week.
I really think I should try and resolve things with my housemates but my parents basically trained me to be a pushover. Whenever I got into fights with them I would always back down because I didn't want to inconvenience them and they would threaten to send me to live with my grandparents if I got too mouthy. I can imagine in my head just telling them I don't want to get sucked into stupid drama and I'd appreciate if they'd not talk about me behind my back but I can just imagine them all ganging up against me and me feeling even more alienated in my own home.
Honestly there's so much **** going on I don't even know what this thread is supposed to be lmao.
I am not surprised that you are feeling the way you are. It's very clearly a difficult situation to be in, especially more so for you though because of the problems you have experienced in your childhood, and your family treating you the way that they have done. Is there any way that you could move accommodation to somewhere else? Just try to remember that you don't have to be what your parents have forced you to be in order to survive, you are allowed to have your own feelings too. Agreed with above - you should talk to someone about your situation and see if you can access help from both your university and elsewhere. Remember as well that you don't have to stay in contact with your parents if you don't want to - you are an adult and are perfectly capable of making your own life choices. I think you definitely should try and get some therapy / counselling to try to alleviate some of these feelings that you are having. Finally, remember that whatever you are feeling is completely valid, don't listen to the people that tell you that they are not.
