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Sky's Survival Journal (Mk.II) Watch

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    So about this time a year ago I made a thread that lasted for about 8 months chronicling a period of very extreme isolation and fear of the future, with some incredibly lovely people - until heading off to university.

    If you remember that first thread somehow, well, this won't be a shock. But I'll put some Trigger Warning (TW) stuff in just in case bc I'm gonna be talking a lot about them still...
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    - I lost pretty much all of my friends to various accidents, conditions or...well, worse than that, by the time I was 14.

    - My childhood friend and girlfriend, Rebekah, was a particularly traumatising case of that. Five years on I'm still really not that mentally healthy as a result. I developed a 'legacy' complex, one I'm aware of, but don't actively know how to fight.

    - Much to my disdain, I have diagnosis for Major Depression, PTSD and Nightmare Syndrome (the latter of which I didn't even know was a real thing, but yay me!)

    - I lack any ability to make decisions quickly or easily. As anyone that saw the first thread knew, picking a university and course was a royal pain in the arse.

    - Various other issues relating to lack of emotion, or too much of it.


    So, the reason we're back here again? Well, because nothing really changed since last time. And in fact, having stopped having a place to blog and release thoughts has been more damaging than helpful.

    Well, okay. That and because my university psychologist/counsellor person said it was a great idea I shouldn't have quit in the first place. Who am I to argue with people that survived Psychology PhD's? :rofl:

    Many dear friends like The_Lonely_Goatherd, claireestelle, furryface12 and Airmed (the potato terrorist lives!) helped me last time to at least get my feet off the ground and out of a place that was very toxic to me.

    Sky's Survival Journal Mk.I was about making a lot of important decisions, some of which I regret, some of which I don't. It's whatever, right?

    Mk.II is about actually 'recovering', or rather, now the world around me has changed so dramatically, it's time to work on the one facet that hasn't - me.

    So, if any of you guys feel like joining me on this path, please feel free - more than that, thank you. Every single person makes a million words of difference when you strive to break out any kind of isolation. :yep:
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    Potato terrorism ftw
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    So about this time a year ago I made a thread that lasted for about 8 months chronicling a period of very extreme isolation and fear of the future, with some incredibly lovely people - until heading off to university.

    If you remember that first thread somehow, well, this won't be a shock. But I'll put some Trigger Warning (TW) stuff in just in case bc I'm gonna be talking a lot about them still...
    Spoiler:
    Show



    - I lost pretty much all of my friends to various accidents, conditions or...well, worse than that, by the time I was 14.

    - My childhood friend and girlfriend, Rebekah, was a particularly traumatising case of that. Five years on I'm still really not that mentally healthy as a result. I developed a 'legacy' complex, one I'm aware of, but don't actively know how to fight.

    - Much to my disdain, I have diagnosis for Major Depression, PTSD and Nightmare Syndrome (the latter of which I didn't even know was a real thing, but yay me!)

    - I lack any ability to make decisions quickly or easily. As anyone that saw the first thread knew, picking a university and course was a royal pain in the arse.

    - Various other issues relating to lack of emotion, or too much of it.




    So, the reason we're back here again? Well, because nothing really changed since last time. And in fact, having stopped having a place to blog and release thoughts has been more damaging than helpful.

    Well, okay. That and because my university psychologist/counsellor person said it was a great idea I shouldn't have quit in the first place. Who am I to argue with people that survived Psychology PhD's? :rofl:

    Many dear friends like The_Lonely_Goatherd, claireestelle, furryface12 and Airmed (the potato terrorist lives!) helped me last time to at least get my feet off the ground and out of a place that was very toxic to me.

    Sky's Survival Journal Mk.I was about making a lot of important decisions, some of which I regret, some of which I don't. It's whatever, right?

    Mk.II is about actually 'recovering', or rather, now the world around me has changed so dramatically, it's time to work on the one facet that hasn't - me.

    So, if any of you guys feel like joining me on this path, please feel free - more than that, thank you. Every single person makes a million words of difference when you strive to break out any kind of isolation. :yep:
    Sad to hear not much has changed but hope this blog will be positive for you in recovering.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    Sad to hear not much has changed but hope this blog will be positive for you in recovering.
    Reality of city life, I assume. Hope you're holding up?
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    Thanks for tagging me. I'll read as often as I can and try and make some helpful comments along the way! Things will be a bit more sporadic from me than your last blog, what with job/PhD/own health, etc.

    Good to see you back on here
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    Reality of city life, I assume. Hope you're holding up?
    I m a ball of nerves and excitement as I m getting married on Saturday afternoon but it's been good mostly since we last spoke.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    I m a ball of nerves and excitement as I m getting married on Saturday afternoon but it's been good mostly since we last spoke.
    Oh hey, I didn't realise it was so close at hand! Hope all goes well for you here and after, it sounds lovely

    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Thanks for tagging me. I'll read as often as I can and try and make some helpful comments along the way! Things will be a bit more sporadic from me than your last blog, what with job/PhD/own health, etc.

    Good to see you back on here
    Only as much as you want! Promise this thread won't be a mountain of theoreticals like last time anyway
    Hope everything goes well for you, will be here if you need it at all - I thiiiink I left my DMs open...
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    Oh hey, I didn't realise it was so close at hand! Hope all goes well for you here and after, it sounds lovely
    Times just gone so quickly. Thank you
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    I m a ball of nerves and excitement as I m getting married on Saturday afternoon but it's been good mostly since we last spoke.
    Oooh how exciting :nutcase: Wishing you both every happiness this world can bestow :hugs:

    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    Only as much as you want! Promise this thread won't be a mountain of theoreticals like last time anyway
    Hope everything goes well for you, will be here if you need it at all - I thiiiink I left my DMs open...
    Hey, it's your thread, can be whatever you want/need it to be! I have no objection to reading Just explaining why I might be a bit quiet
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Oooh how exciting :nutcase: Wishing you both every happiness this world can bestow :hugs:



    Hey, it's your thread, can be whatever you want/need it to be! I have no objection to reading Just explaining why I might be a bit quiet
    Thank you
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    Welcome back! I was thinking wonder how you're getting on yesterday and then couple of hours later got this notification, weird! Only just got round to actually replying to people though sorry but yeah, posting to subscribe, again
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Hey, it's your thread, can be whatever you want/need it to be! I have no objection to reading Just explaining why I might be a bit quiet
    Ah, well fair enough! I don't have the abundance of free time I did last time to overthink anyway, luckily But ye, good luck with everything! Especially the PhD, i just started my first coursework and the referencing is killing me - how do you put up with this? :rofl:

    (Original post by furryface12)
    Welcome back! I was thinking wonder how you're getting on yesterday and then couple of hours later got this notification, weird! Only just got round to actually replying to people though sorry but yeah, posting to subscribe, again
    Aw, that's kind of you to think of me though Must admit I did wonder how you were finding your course - I think you started this year, right? Hope you're finding it good and all. Oh, and thank you for joining again :hugs:
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    DAY 1
    The Wheel Turns Again



    Introduction

    So, as I explained before, the reason I'm here is because moving to a big city, meeting...unfavourable people and generally getting used to everything has been a massive system shock. And not that I expected to be immediately free from my personal issues, but they haven't left yet. In some cases actively gotten worse by the presence of others, and so on.

    I am sorta assuming people remember the last thread bc I'll be referencing aspects of it - everything you really need to know is already in that TW. Speaking of TWs, if they appear, it's because it either isn't pleasant, or because it includes thoughts or discussions I don't think should be viewed if you want to have a nice happy day, etc. But this is in the MH blog section for a reason, and to make any progress, sometimes we have to talk about these things.

    ...if that sounds too wise for me, well, it is. Because half of that is what my psychologist told me when she mentioned the blogging at all :rofl:

    Goals and Directions

    The overwhelmingly large part of the last blog was about trying to decide a university or course, while faced with pressures from family (mother wanted me to do Biomedical Science, nan wanted me to do Marine Bio) and from within (ie, doing a course that Rebekah would have done or wanted me to do).

    Fortunately, this isn't inherently the case this time. I was aware something like this might happen, so I made two backup plans - one for if I end up doing well in my Foundation Year, and one for if I don't. This section is more for my own later reference, or if you're just interested. Or bored. Anything is fine

    Spoiler:
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    These will only become relevant if I begin to hate my time in Cardiff or struggle. For continuity's sake, I devised two plans:
    1. Natural Sciences or Biology - these will be if I just want to move somewhere else but keep things going. Though something that might catch attention is that NatSci and Biology don't have Medical connotations, and there's a reason for that.
    2. Astrophysics Foundation - Or more accurately, the "legacy" option. What Rebekah wanted to study, and I became interested in later. I didn't pick this to begin with because I'm aware my skills are better in Biology, so if I pick this, it'll be as a "well, let's try this now" thing.

    I have 5+ universities in mind for each option:

    NatSci/Bio
    University of Leeds - Natural Sciences MNatSci
    Queen's Belfast - Biological Sciences with Professional Experience
    Bangor University - Biology with Biotechnology
    Durham University - Natural Sciences
    University of Surrey - Biological Sciences
    University of Nottingham - Natural Sciences

    Physics Foundation
    Aberystwyth University - Physics with Foundation
    University of Sheffield - Astrophysics with Foundation
    University of Sussex - Physics and Astronomy with Foundation
    University of Leeds - Integrated Science Foundation Year
    University of Nottingham - Physics with Foundation
    Durham University - Physics with Foundation
    University of York - Physics with Foundation
    (creative names, right?)


    NB: No pros and cons list. That'll come later when I decide I'm actually going to pull the UCAS trigger.

    What one might notice is immediately different is that the majority of these are English universities. Last year I had a juvenile fixation with escaping England, and in the process, neglected a lot of universities with very good opportunities, reputations and so on. Although my heart does still belong to the Celtic Three, we're gonna be mature about things this time.

    In the end though, it doesn't matter where I end up if nothing changes, be that staying in Cardiff, starting Physics, going elsewhere - anything. Upon reflection a lot of the last thread up being worried about change (often superfluous), without considering how I would change to accommodate them. This led to a frankly disastrous start at Cardiff, among many other things.

    My goals are very clear this time.

    - Resolve as much of my past as I can, including moving on but not forgetting Rebekah, Jade, Annabel and Charlotte - my four departed friends. Part of this is going to be difficult as I live very close to Annabel's family, and Jade's one-year-passing is not that far off at all. That's something to face.
    - Find direction in my life. Although I mentioned universities in different places, I don't have concrete ideas of what I'm doing in life for any of them. And outside of education, I mean my growth as a person.
    - Continue to fight and defy my mental difficulties. I won't make the mistake of saying 'destroy' or 'defeat', because these issues are rooted in chemical issues and medical/neuroscientific blargh-ness, but I have always believed that even if you can't help having a mental problem, you can still try to fight it - not for anyone but yourself.
    - Grow in maturity and sociability. This one is especially important if I wanted to go to another university, because if I make no progress as a person and then transfer somewhere else, the same nightmare that happened here will happen again.
    - Rediscover passion for things. One critical component of depressive disorders is that you often start to stop feeling anything, or find no enjoyment out of things you used to love. And I'm not talking about human love - there was a large problem with that in the last thread - because I've realised the same problem applies, of no interest or passion for anyone. No, this is just starting from the bottom and working up.
    - Become a proficient scientist. Although I may have been a medic before, and taught myself A Level Bio/Chem, it only took one week of study for me to realise just how little that means in the grand scheme of things. I'm also including this so I have an excuse for this to double as a work blog :shh::laugh:


    What actually is the problem at Cardiff so far?
    Obviously this isn't to deter anyone from Cardiff either as a city or university. To disclaim: Cardiff is a very good university and as a city, it's full of charm and, refreshingly, national pride (not the bad kind!!!). For me as a human being though, some parts don't click for me.

    Firstly, is the fact it's a capital city - I've lived in Wicklow and West Sussex before in very small cities, and I've lived in Belfast briefly - but even as a capital, Belfast wasn't that overwhelming. Cardiff is massive and not quite as green as a small country boy would like. ALSO WHY ARE THERE 11 GREGGS STORES.

    Secondly is the course itself. To explain, for Biomed, you're normally taking a lot of courses in Anatomy, Pharmacology and some specialist units - in any IBMS accredited course, you follow a regulated structure based around that. At Cardiff, Biomed is literally indistinguishable from Biology, or Neuroscience, or Biochemistry, until your 4th year (5th in my case thanks to a PTY). Something about that really doesn't sit well with me - if I say I want to study Neuroscience, I would expect to have compulsory units around the brain, with options complementing that study.

    Partly, I myself am the problem. I didn't start well. I didn't go out clubbing or drinking much during Freshers, nearly didn't join any societies - am not part of any now for reasons. And partly because university highlighted very quickly how frail my mental health still is. So while the city, the people and the course are all factors, I can't undermine my own contribution to this mess.

    Lastly is the social atmosphere. The people of Cardiff themselves are lovely, but something I couldn't have accounted for was that a lot of the students already know each other, either from exchanges (we have a lot of Malaysians that know each other and stick in groups) or from High School. Drinking and Clubbing are the two big social events everywhere, and I can with a bit of effort handle drinking. Clubbing however is the highlight of Cardiff, with three nightclubs along one single road - which given certain anxieties I don't even fancy attempting. There's other stuff about flatmates not being great etc, but that's par for the course - although interestingly the same problem occurs; if there are 2 French people in a hall, they stick together. The Americans in our hall do as well. Then there's a self-centred older guy who seems to draw everyone's attention. Is nightmare.

    What do you plan to do about everything?
    Naturally, there's not much I can do about the social atmosphere; I do make friends in classes, though they tend to be like me and follow a schedule of "go to classes, get some food, do some work, sleep for too long, repeat". They want to succeed as much as I do, I suppose. I did join 2 societies, but one just didn't click with me and the other was on the other campus about 1hr away (MUSIC SOC NOOOO) :cry:
    For the city itself, I imagine it'll come with time - it's only been about 3 weeks. For the course...I actually have no idea. Honestly that point more than anything is what drove the impetus to start another UCAS application.

    For the personal goals, luckily I have better ideas. Whether I stay or go, my overall ambition is to start the next year a different, more mature and self-composed person, and everything I do will be guided towards that aim. So, for growing maturity, that could be as simple as "don't mutter under your breath if you don't like something", or as strong as "manage a job, study, exercise, money and social life". That's my ideal for the days to come

    A discipline I need to get into the habit of, and you guys have full permission to monitor/scold me for, is not overthinking about anything that doesn't need it. It's the difference between spending 20 minutes asking yourself "okay, but how does native entropy affect protein structure", which has a purpose and stimulates the brain, and spending 2 hours asking yourself "do my friends blame me for their deaths", which has no helpful point and stresses the brain.

    So, that's it. From tomorrow things won't be as long or drawn out as this - it's this long because I want to come back to this myself as a criterion for change. Hope you all have a wonderful day, stay hydrated, and I'll see you guys later for the start of this one last journey :hugs::hugs:
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    Ah, well fair enough! I don't have the abundance of free time I did last time to overthink anyway, luckily But ye, good luck with everything! Especially the PhD, i just started my first coursework and the referencing is killing me - how do you put up with this? :rofl:



    Aw, that's kind of you to think of me though Must admit I did wonder how you were finding your course - I think you started this year, right? Hope you're finding it good and all. Oh, and thank you for joining again :hugs:
    The course is good! Struggling a bit with going between the two subjects and just energy/too much going on and stuff, but love the campus and gradually getting used to the rest. And yeah, you're realllly not the only one being killed by referencing either. Not sure which is worse, that or the essay, but I've not written one in five years and wasn't very good at it then :lol:
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    (Original post by furryface12)
    The course is good! Struggling a bit with going between the two subjects and just energy/too much going on and stuff, but love the campus and gradually getting used to the rest. And yeah, you're realllly not the only one being killed by referencing either. Not sure which is worse, that or the essay, but I've not written one in five years and wasn't very good at it then :lol:
    Where/what are you studying? Psychology comes to mind for some reason...but eesh yeah i can imagine that kills the furryface :comfort: Am glad you're happy with things so far though
    Oh really, are others complaining about it too? And I think probably the essay, at least they tell you the 'answers' on how to reference :laugh:
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    meme


    Referencing sucks, honestly.
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    (Original post by Airmed)


    Referencing sucks, honestly.
    You know when we had that whole science vs history conversation? Honestly the way referencing/making points based off sources works is most of the reason I didn't pick it. Science referencing is awful, but at least there's a given answer you just have to discover

    (Also, Airmed memes, how I have missed you so.)
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    You know when we had that whole science vs history conversation? Honestly the way referencing/making points based off sources works is most of the reason I didn't pick it. Science referencing is awful, but at least there's a given answer you just have to discover

    (Also, Airmed memes, how I have missed you so.)
    Yes :rofl: I don't blame you at all! I need to relearn referencing again, I have forgotten over the summer

    (They're the best :awesome:)
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    (Original post by Airmed)
    Yes :rofl: I don't blame you at all! I need to relearn referencing again, I have forgotten over the summer

    (They're the best :awesome:)
    Which method do you guys have to use? if it's Harvard style I have a sweet guide to it I can send you scans of :yep:

    (We will liberate the North with memes alone! :wavingtheflag: )
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    CastCuraga : I hate referencing a lot! Referencing software helps but is still a pain

    Sorry to hear about all the problems with having started at Cardiff :console: 11 Greggs stores sounds a bit much, even for me

    I hope things improve soon and that you can get to a place where you're happier and more comfortable with things :hugs:
 
 
 
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