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Sky's Survival Journal (Mk.II) Watch

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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Interesting to read about the impact music has on you. I was very heavily encouraged about a year ago, to delete a playlist I had built. It sometimes helped me to sleep, but often resulted in pain or becoming triggered, due to trauma associations.

    It's really hard to remove certain music from one's life, for sure :sadnod: But sometimes it's good to try and listen to it sparingly if possible
    I definitely feel that actually, she advised something similar. There's a song called "Secunda" that genuinely puts me to sleep so quickly because of its harp rhythm, but it's sad to listen to as well - so I can empathise with the idea of something being incredibly helpful and harmful at once :console:

    I recognise that was about a year ago but I hope you've found things slightly better since?

    Definitely, never in my twenty years have I ever really tried I'm going to try switching out game music with memories attached to more classical stuff, if you have any calm suggestions please do advise :yep:
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    I definitely feel that actually, she advised something similar. There's a song called "Secunda" that genuinely puts me to sleep so quickly because of its harp rhythm, but it's sad to listen to as well - so I can empathise with the idea of something being incredibly helpful and harmful at once :console:

    I recognise that was about a year ago but I hope you've found things slightly better since?

    Definitely, never in my twenty years have I ever really tried I'm going to try switching out game music with memories attached to more classical stuff, if you have any calm suggestions please do advise :yep:
    It's really hard when it's helpful and harmful at once, isn't it? And not knowing which one it's going to be until you try listening to it... I have that with a certain film as well

    Tbh I kinda regret deleting it, though the sensible adult part of me does recognise that I did the right thing in deleting it in the end

    Ahhhh, I'm not the best person for music suggestions, I just listen to the same things on repeat haha. My "processing song" is Rachmaninov's 2nd piano concerto slow movement though
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    It's really hard when it's helpful and harmful at once, isn't it? And not knowing which one it's going to be until you try listening to it... I have that with a certain film as well

    Tbh I kinda regret deleting it, though the sensible adult part of me does recognise that I did the right thing in deleting it in the end

    Ahhhh, I'm not the best person for music suggestions, I just listen to the same things on repeat haha. My "processing song" is Rachmaninov's 2nd piano concerto slow movement though
    Absolutely, it's like a Russian Roulette except it also probably affects the next few hours of your rest...but if it's good, it's so good. Not so much films but I have a plethora of games that agree with you there :s Honestly I keep wondering if it's something that will always be like this, or fades out slowly with time

    Doing something mature doesn't always elicit a good feeling, I can understand

    I *adore* that opening part with the string harmony, good call thank you!!
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    Also do the same thing with music including a song about the death of a friend which is just stupid :erm:

    Trying to work out that instrument too now is there such thing as a soprano/piccolo oboe? Can't help thinking it's probably just a normal one but the sound's distorted a bit. They can play to the G two and a bit octaves above middle C they just don't like it very much! Doing a piece with an oboeist atm with various top Es in and one F, she hates it :lol:

    Not classical as such but I love the piano guys for relaxing stuff, their videos are amazing too all set in different places. Don't know if you'd struggle with the cello but yeah
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    (Original post by furryface12)
    Also do the same thing with music including a song about the death of a friend which is just stupid :erm:

    Trying to work out that instrument too now is there such thing as a soprano/piccolo oboe? Can't help thinking it's probably just a normal one but the sound's distorted a bit. They can play to the G two and a bit octaves above middle C they just don't like it very much! Doing a piece with an oboeist atm with various top Es in and one F, she hates it :lol:

    Not classical as such but I love the piano guys for relaxing stuff, their videos are amazing too all set in different places. Don't know if you'd struggle with the cello but yeah
    No, I have one like that too so I'm the last person to judge

    I didn't think there was but that sounds more logical, thank you! And oh god, trying to do a high note on any wind instrument sounds like torture (and might be why I've stuck to strings my entire life :lol: )

    I'm usually okay with cello unless it's certain songs, I've been meaning to check out their stuff for ages now Better than just practising Danse Macabre for the 18th time just to get halfway better at it and then giving up and eating ice cream and crying because it's so hard

    ...wow ok i wasnt meaning to offload that much oh my god
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    DAY 12
    Potential

    Thoughts
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    The university saga continues, now I've had some legitimate results back. To be honest, they're pretty mixed and I'm not sure if they spell out that I'm in the right degree or not. For Biology I got my Lab 1 result back, which was a fairly-decent 62%. For Chemistry I got 75% on a written exam, 80% on Lab 2, and a hilarious 15% on Lab 1. I'm still waiting on about 4 different results right now, though.

    I discovered Edinburgh doesn't just want 65%, but according to emails back and forth, they want "merit", with "distinction in Biology and Chemistry", whatever on earth that means. Have asked for clarification but I don't think I'm going to get a response, which is just adding stress to the whole thing.

    I made some small progress today in controlling the whole "see something good and immediately drop everything" mentality though. I discovered that a lot of good universities don't ask for Grade 7/8 (I did get it, but my harp ability has seriously died) to do Music or Joint Honours, got carried away for about an hour, and then controlled myself. I think if I can just keep this up with every consideration I get, we might honestly be fine going forward.

    What I was less prepared to deal with was someone I like messaging me at 1am saying they're going to break up with their boyfriend. Honestly I'm not that sure why she told me in the first place despite us being pretty good friends, I mean she rejected me once last year. It's annoying my brain has decided to instantly think more of this than it is; am going to work on shutting that off next. I don't need to bark down a significantly wrong tree with so much happening.

    Mindfulness Challenge - Day 3
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    #1: What am I grateful for today?
    The fact that, despite not really knowing what I'm doing with my life or university or anything of the sort, I have options. I might not know which is best, but I am far from trapped as well. It does me good to remember that foundations including, there are few courses I can't do if I really wanted.

    #2: What act of kindness did I do today?
    Started supporting a music friend's Patreon, he later woke up and replied "oh s*** wtf are you doing thank you omg", so I think this counts :lol:

    #3: What act of kindness did someone do for me today?


    #4: What did I do well today?
    I did manage to stop listening to the FF music mostly, although I think I've listened to Danse Macabre far too many (partly because it's so addictive, partly while practising it during the day). Which isn't a lot better for habit breaking is it

    #5: What could I improve on?
    - Stop envisioning stuff that doesn't have any justification i.e. idle fantasy
    - PIZZA IS NOT BREAKFAST
    - This isn't 2014 and I wish you'd stop thinking it is

    #6: Something I achieved today?
    Putting my essay in at 9:57 on a 10am submission schedule. Living life on the edge B)
    Also managed to learn the tiniest part of Danse Macabre before those bloody double stops kick in :burnout:

    #7: Have you looked after your mental health today?
    I think so! Apart from returning some books and putting my coursework in, I didn't do anything strenuous. Rather just played music, went for a walk near the one natural area Cardiff actually has, and just not doing much :yes:

    #8: Have you got anything to look forward to?
    No lectures tomorrow!! :woo:

    Relaxing Music of the Day
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    Honestly I can put nearly anything by Jeremy Soule, the man just knows how to make a sweet, relaxing atmosphere. I've written this whole post today with it on in the background, this just feels so relaxing :adore:
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    No, I have one like that too so I'm the last person to judge

    I didn't think there was but that sounds more logical, thank you! And oh god, trying to do a high note on any wind instrument sounds like torture (and might be why I've stuck to strings my entire life :lol: )

    I'm usually okay with cello unless it's certain songs, I've been meaning to check out their stuff for ages now Better than just practising Danse Macabre for the 18th time just to get halfway better at it and then giving up and eating ice cream and crying because it's so hard

    ...wow ok i wasnt meaning to offload that much oh my god
    Least I'm not the only one I guess and according to wikipedia there is apparently! Very rare though and not sure that's something I ever want to hear. Piccolo normal is bad enough :lol: high notes on flute and sax are fine though.

    Ah okay, yeah not everyone likes them but I do a lot. Saw them in the royal albert hall earlier in the year and :love: and ice cream is good crying can be too tbf.

    Well done on the coursework marks, glad you've had a mostly good day! Do you know what went wrong in the 15% one?
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    (Original post by furryface12)
    Least I'm not the only one I guess and according to wikipedia there is apparently! Very rare though and not sure that's something I ever want to hear. Piccolo normal is bad enough :lol: high notes on flute and sax are fine though.

    Ah okay, yeah not everyone likes them but I do a lot. Saw them in the royal albert hall earlier in the year and :love: and ice cream is good crying can be too tbf.

    Well done on the coursework marks, glad you've had a mostly good day! Do you know what went wrong in the 15% one?
    Weirdly I don't mind piccolo high notes, but I've been using them in my own work for years as well :lol:

    Oh man I didn't know they played there, I'm definitely gonna have to look into it - had a listen to some of them and aaaa it's so good :adore:

    Thank you! Honestly it's just because it was a titration and I panicked for 3 hours, it wasn't a fun time That's kinda been a problem in deciding the whole uni thing actually, bc although I like Biology, I've as of yet hated all of my labs in both Bio and Chem ^^;
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    Weirdly I don't mind piccolo high notes, but I've been using them in my own work for years as well :lol:

    Oh man I didn't know they played there, I'm definitely gonna have to look into it - had a listen to some of them and aaaa it's so good :adore:

    Thank you! Honestly it's just because it was a titration and I panicked for 3 hours, it wasn't a fun time That's kinda been a problem in deciding the whole uni thing actually, bc although I like Biology, I've as of yet hated all of my labs in both Bio and Chem ^^;
    They're nice within stuff, playing it though or sat right next to one is like nooo. Stupidly hard to play decently too and just deafens you.

    It was so good! I'd always wanted to go anyway so when I saw they were got so excited need to listen to them again tbh, haven't in ages.

    Ah, can imagine that that's not great. See how they go I guess? But can see your dilemma :/ so many.conflicting confusing factors
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    (Original post by furryface12)
    They're nice within stuff, playing it though or sat right next to one is like nooo. Stupidly hard to play decently too and just deafens you.

    It was so good! I'd always wanted to go anyway so when I saw they were got so excited need to listen to them again tbh, haven't in ages.

    Ah, can imagine that that's not great. See how they go I guess? But can see your dilemma :/ so many.conflicting confusing factors
    Oooh, I forgot you're a flautist. Yeah, that's a bit different than me just sitting in the middle of the strings relatively ignored so I'll feel you on that one

    I just wish more places played outside London that I'm interested in, I have to weigh up if it's worth the nightmare just to see it I loved their way of fusing Vivaldi's Winter with Let it Go though, definitely wanna see that live!!

    Yep :/ The whole Physics situation will get a lot easier once I actually start my labs I think, am looking forward to doing experiments that don't involve things that could kill me with one wrong move :lol: I'm just uncoordinated as hell basically
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    (Original post by CastCuraga)
    Oooh, I forgot you're a flautist. Yeah, that's a bit different than me just sitting in the middle of the strings relatively ignored so I'll feel you on that one

    I just wish more places played outside London that I'm interested in, I have to weigh up if it's worth the nightmare just to see it I loved their way of fusing Vivaldi's Winter with Let it Go though, definitely wanna see that live!!

    Yep :/ The whole Physics situation will get a lot easier once I actually start my labs I think, am looking forward to doing experiments that don't involve things that could kill me with one wrong move :lol: I'm just uncoordinated as hell basically
    Yep do not like piccolos :lol:

    They normally do non London ones, I saw them in Manchester a few years back and they've played in Birmingham and more places since definitely. They are amazing love though! Except when they got cliff richard up on the stage to sing with them :erm:

    Hope it will! And yeah you're not the only one the worst thing that can go wrong in psychology labs is messing up the stats which I'm very glad about!
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    (Original post by furryface12)
    Yep do not like piccolos :lol:

    They normally do non London ones, I saw them in Manchester a few years back and they've played in Birmingham and more places since definitely. They are amazing love though! Except when they got cliff richard up on the stage to sing with them :erm:

    Hope it will! And yeah you're not the only one the worst thing that can go wrong in psychology labs is messing up the stats which I'm very glad about!
    RIP Furry's ears :lol:

    Oh, well if you notice they're ever outside of London pls let me know!! :adore:
    ...erm yeah if they don't have Cliff Richard on there. I can do without that.

    That's a relief Though I don't want to be rude, doesn't your disability affect that? Bc mine doesn't, I'm literally just uncoordinated as sin ^^;

    *GASP* HOW COULD YOU MESS UP STATS
    YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL
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    (Not really a new Day in its own right, just forgot to do the mindful challenge for yesterday!)

    MINDFULNESS CHALLENGE - DAY 4

    #1: What am I grateful for today?
    That friend I spoke about the other day, actually. Feelings aside she's an incredibly good friend and knows how to make my day (largely by tagging me in facebook memes or discussing the absurdity of her English degree, but I digress )

    #2: What act of kindness did I do today?
    Let someone use my hot chocolate...I'm very protective of it :lol:

    #3: What act of kindness did someone do for me today?
    Nothing really, but I didn't go out either

    #4: What did I do well today?
    Got a little better at Danse Macabre, but man those double stops at the beginning just kill me! Maybe if I pretend I'm a spooky skeleton it'll work...

    #5: What could I improve on?
    Time management...I'm glad I took today to rest, but I now have only a day and a half to go through 130 slides of Chem 4 :wavingtheflag:

    #6: Something I achieved today?
    Again reusing Danse Macabre but I figured out how some of the trills work! I love the sound of them but I'm godawful at actually doing them

    #7: Have you looked after your mental health today?
    Yes! Am v happy that I finally broke the cycle of working and didn't do anything yesterday except lie in bed, drink hot chocolate and binge Aqua Teen Hunger Force again. Man can I feel the difference, I definitely need to find a way to keep this going!

    #8: Have you got anything to look forward to?
    ...going home and watching more ATHF tbh :rofl:
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    DAY 13
    A Terrible Day for Rain



    TW, though I think the main people that read this probably know what putting one means anyway.

    Edit - 17th Nov: This post is pretty dark and depressing but I think it's worth positing that since waking today I've felt a lot of weight lifted, and more productive than usual. So I'm hoping that with that in mind (plus the start of Genetics today) conclusions and moving forward will be easier
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    Today has been an exercise in denial from start to finish in the pursuit of happiness and moving on; the fake smiles and energy I gave people, the positive-ish message I put for yesterday, and even the lecturers. I know this probably isn't the best place to air thoughts but it is the best I have, with people that care even for someone they've never met and probably never will, not caring about that and carrying on. It's a venting relief after pretending in the real world.

    On November 16, 2016, I lost the last friend I had left - my friend Jade, almost like a brother to me. We both were generally outcast and although we had some differences in views and interests, we were always there for each other. Until...until Rebekah died. Him and Annabel were set to go on holiday to see her family in South Korea the week after, and I didn't stop them; I figured I would be strong enough by myself until then. Then some idiot took Annabel's life during the trip, and Jade and I should've stayed together and connected over that shared loss...we didn't. I was catatonic at the time and he just disappeared, never to be heard from for another four years.

    It's impossible not to think how many stupid decisions I made in that week. Could've not taken that alley, maybe Rebekah would've lived. Could've accepted I needed them, maybe they'd still be here. I know these are stupid platitudes that mean nothing five and a half years in hindsight, but they haunt me. Night, after night, legitimately without fail. And I think on some level I know that trying to decide anything in my own future feels so futile while continually reminded of how many futures just aren't happening anymore, whether it's my fault or not being irrelevant.

    We never were that dissimilar. When I did finally see him again all those years later in hospital, it was as if time had never changed. A year later it's so hard to believe how recent it was, because it feels like years ago. But in a weird way, I admire what he did more than me; apparently he never got over Annabel, and just rejected treatment for a heart condition. Meanwhile all I did was mope and date someone else for two years futilely and let the bloody cycle continue. He had the guts to go out like a man when he knew he didn't want to anymore, and I shouldn't respect and envy that as much as I do sometimes.

    This whole panic I've had over the last couple of weeks isn't a coincidence, in fact it's been going on since early October. Charlotte's death was on October 15, and began a chain of similar thoughts about them, and how much I should've done and didn't, and how many things I should've done for them as atonement for outlasting them. Apparently it's only in the last week I let things really slip, probably building up to this.

    But it's a problem, and something no amount of time has ever really fixed. Even when I rested next to another person I still got the nightmares, so it's not even as though someone else can fix it; the reality is that they're gone, and I keep on going until something takes me, be it an accident or just the natural end everyone eventually goes through. Even if some lover could fix it, I wouldn't want them to deal with this. Despise my ex as I do, even she didn't deserve it.

    The hardest part is the concept of a 'future', when believing fully you don't even deserve one, nor what to make of it given you have one approaching whether you like it or not. The easiest method has always been to do something for someone else's sake; I picked my A Levels mainly based on what my ex liked and was taking, and of course the Astrophysics thing is because of Rebekah. It's a toxic method, but I don't see an alternative. Biology and the medically related things are what I have the most skill in, because I was initially dreaming of finding some cure to thalassaemia. A bit of a fool's errand in hindsight, but we were kids, and dreaming is what children do when they don't know any better yet.

    Medicine isn't something I can physically or mentally deal with.
    Genetics I only really cared about when it related to the anaemic side of things.
    Astrophysics I am far too unskilled to do.
    Biology overwhelms me with the amount of content, and the Chemistry in it...

    I know I was given time by Charlotte and then Rebekah, and I know Jade made the same encouragements to keep living and experiencing things, but with only a month to decide anything and psychological issues that won't make my brain cooperate no matter what I do, I feel the weight crushing me.

    I don't know what he and the others expected of me, really. I certainly haven't figured out what it is...yet. I haven't sunk completely, and the fact all of them probably believed in me to succeed in something and carry on for them does give me an impetus to keep going a little longer. But this whole university thing is emblematic of a future I keep feeling just isn't in my hands when, in these first 20 years, so much has already slipped through them.

    I'm just afraid of living.


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    I'm not really sure what to say atm, but wanted to offer huge hugs :jumphug::jumphug:
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    I'm not really sure what to say atm, but wanted to offer huge hugs :jumphug::jumphug:
    That's more than plenty kind rn :hugs::hugs:
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    Subject Pros & Cons

    You've seen this before. I've seen this before. What's different?
    Probably the lack of any pre-determined bias, and the fact I'm literally so sleep deprived from this whole nightmare I don't have the energy to be nice when I don't, in my heart of hearts, want to be.

    (Also bc my counsellor suggested seeing a careers advisor and this was the perfect time to go through everything once and for all).

    You guys don't need to go through if you don't want to, or aren't extremely bored; this is gonna be for my own use until I can see them on Monday and finally get things under control. I have ideas, but I didn't make any decisions.

    TL;DR Edition
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    Biology - requires faith in incompetent teaching staff, dealing with way too many contact hours, and great masses of information. But there are good career prospects in the end, and I can't lie; I do have legitimate interest in Genetics. I read that some idiot removed his own myostatin with CRISPR - yknow, the thing that stops your heart expanding to the size of a watermelon - so there's still definitely places in the field

    Physics - the course with the most amount of "futures" presented, between Leeds, Aberystwyth and even the University of Oslo. Psychologically it would probably good for me, and my grades back it up, but the level of mathematics is a very, very big challenge to face. And I can't run this time. I like most of the course content but like nearly any degree, some modules are going to really, reeeally drag (optics).

    Ancient History / Latin - the option that gives me a gentle, happy 4 years and lets me swan off onto graduate Law when I'm done, providing the market isn't concentrated as hell and my family haven't entirely abandoned me for it. In essence - good course, relaxing in comparison, but limited options.

    History Joint Honours - some extremely good possibilities here (including History and Japanese, of all things), but none of them look employable. Law is still an option, but suffers from the same problem of praying the market isn't overflooded by then by LLB-carriers. Many, many horror stories.


    Biology, Biomedical Science and Genetics ( "Life Sciences" )
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    PROS:
    + Well-respected and pays well on graduation; Biotech is a rapidly growing industry to capitalise on.
    + Honest interest in Genetics
    + Within my skillset and abilities.
    + Legitimate interest in some aspects - but not all (Cell Biology and Biochemistry are so painfully dry)
    + Offered at some universities I genuinely do like (...although none my A Levels wouldn't have gotten me into. )

    CONS:
    - More contact hours than nearly every other degree by workload, apparently (especially Biomed)
    - Unlike most degrees, Biology degrees has an irritating tendency to only start specialising after the first 1 or 2 years; a Maths student doesn't have to learn what an Engineer is for the first 2 years. It's actually harder to find a university that DOESN'T use this policy than it is not.
    - Requires a PhD to actually do anything with outside of teaching, and there just aren't enough places for too many applicants.
    - Teaching isn't something I'm averse to, but the conditions currently are so bad
    - More content to remember than I possibly can; I'm much more the practise-and-understand type.
    - Biology is considered too broad, Genetics too narrow, and BMS isn't even the best course to take to become a Biomed anymore (Healthcare Science).
    - Will be based on my FY grades, which is a massive pressure for, I'm gonna be honest, pretty awful teaching outside of Bio 1 and Bio 2. I literally don't trust their ability to teach me to the level I need for transferring (50+%).

    Verdict:
    The path I've invested the most time into so far. I don't hate the subject by any means even though Cardiff is really trying my patience, it's just that to do anything, I will have to rely on their pretty lacklustre teaching because I'm not given enough time to self-teach without just not going to lectures. Also that the person writing my reference is taking ridiculously long, when I could contact my former school and get one within a couple of days on anything other than Biology.


    Physics and Astronomy / Astrophysics
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    PROS:
    + Will potentially go some way towards resolving some of my mental issues ( i.e. survivor guilt)
    + Has consistently been my highest grades since the start of this Foundation ( ~80-90% )
    + Fits the "practise and understand" criteria pretty well.
    + I actually do have an offer, and in beautiful Norway no less (subject to interview and Bergenstest)
    + Consistently gets more funding and places for MSc and PhD programs; less concern over career progression
    + Very employable (also, my Physics teachers didn't seem to hate their lives quite as much )

    CONS:
    - There are less universities I want to go to that actually do a foundation in it (although some good ones like Leeds).
    - I don't enjoy every single element of Physics (I hate optics, if that's what I think it is?)
    - My Physics ability does outweigh my Maths (whereas my Chemistry isn't as bad as my Biology)
    - Moral and philosophical questions on whether it is right to do it 'for her' - as a factor, not the entire reason.
    - Owing to the Maths this could be very difficult. I do believe in picking challenges, but not dooming myself.

    Verdict: Wanting to stay in science but not doing a degree this mentally and socially taxing presents Physics as a valuable option, especially if it helps with some mental issues or lets me go to Norway. On the other hand, the level of mathematics could be difficult to deal with (AS is about the best I can do) and, like basically every subject, there are some areas I really don't like. What separates this from Biological Sciences seems to be that it isn't about remembering facts so much as understanding, but if I don't understand to begin with, it could be difficult.



    Ancient History and Latin (Classical Study)
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    PROS:
    + Fits what I've been studying for the past few years in A Levels fairly well, as opposed to sciences I had to retrain myself in.
    + In tandem with my own hobbies (ie Latin texts, documentaries etc)
    + Bizarrely was listed on "most employable" degrees lists a lot, and is a solid foundation for postgrad Law (so obvious progression path)
    + Average contact hours are about 10. For comparison, I do 30 (plus however many hours I have to do extra study and assignments)
    + Doesn't rely on FY grades, meaning I can be secure sooner and have options (so, if I changed my mind, Cardiff is still there for next year onwards.)

    CONS:
    - Only two universities offer that exact combination that I could find (although I did get into Glasgow once and I'm eligible for Edinburgh)
    - Family pressure to do STEM. They view Arts as what you do when you have no ambitions in life; I know, I know, don't let family pressures get in the way - but it's not like I have friends, or a girlfriend/'s family to stick onto. They are sorta all I have and pissing them off isn't a good idea.
    - Assumes Law as the end point; I appreciate TSR is biased as hell, but it doesn't seem like a good profession to pin all my ideas on with so many people holding LLBs or GDLs nowadays.
    - There are literally no PhD places for humanities subjects anymore, making that a null idea.

    Verdict: The peaceful, calm course that probably suits my psychological needs fairly well, but with only two places offering that exact combination (others do offer them separately though) it will be a case of acting quickly. There will be significant backlash from my family, who in the absence of friends or lovers are all I have...and the end point is Law, which the general rule of Supply and Demand suggests isn't going to work in my favour.

    History Joint Honours (Latin, Italian, Japanese, Music, Psychology etc)
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    This one is a little harder to analyse because you have about 5 different variables. The general pros and cons for the options are that the languages are basically useless, even though they're very interesting to me - especially Latin or Japanese. Music is only available at Aberdeen, but it lets me minor in one of my main interests and lets me learn the basics of performing and composition (I self-taught). Psychology is arguably the most useful, only available at Keele though.

    HISTORY - PROS:
    + Very arguably the most respected Arts subject outside of Law.
    + Speaking of which, significant reports have suggested History graduates converting to Law make better lawyers from the skills they develop on their undergrad. On the same note, the language joint honours wouldn't be useless; people generally don't care what language you know so long as you demonstrate the ability to speak at least one. Japanese at the very least is an advantage in that scenario, not sure about Italian or Latin per se.
    + I don't get as tired of History anywhere near as quickly. It would be sorta hard to with that average 10-hours-of-lectures-a-week thing.
    + The major boon is that in all my years of History there was only one topic I truly hated, and that was the Civil Rights / Slavery thing. You've got about 6000 years worth of recorded History to analyse, and generally speaking, I'm not bored to tears by anything particularly except US History.

    HISTORY - CONS:
    - It's hard to put on the roadside all the horror stories I keep hearing about these people that graduate and then end up unemployed or regretting their life choices or something...
    - Law or teaching are the only 2 paths I can honestly see from History if I don't want to work in government, really.
    - Same issue of parental abandonment or shunning. Unless I got into Edinburgh, in which case they'd probably change their tone out of sheer reputation. But with a lovely 54% rate currently for History (for just Latin it's more like 75%) that's not exactly productive.

    Verdict: Some of these joint honours present very, very appealing course contents with no practical use outside of the slight possibility of Law at postgrad - and the same issues as AH+L on the familial side. It feels like the "instant gratification" of degrees, to enjoy your 4 years and then have no prospect afterwards, and the frequency of horror stories hasn't really helped.
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    DAY 14
    Liberty


    I've finally come to some conclusions. Not some cheap throwaway things I'm going to regret within 5 hours...after going back to pay my respects, I decided to take a trip back to Ireland, for once just for no reason but my own will. After becoming deeply depressed over the whole deathiversary, I wanted to take some care of myself in the only way I knew how. I just went into really deep thinking, and eventually asked myself when the happiest time of my life was.

    And I think, probably not for the first time, I remember - it was my days living in Wicklow as a child. I realise why now, in hindsight; not only did it feel more like home than anywhere in the world I've ever been, but it was remote, slightly secluded, natural...all the things living in Cardiff (and to an extent Crawley) has drained me of. Just being able to go back and explore, say hi to the small village I used to live in as if seven years hadn't passed, and just lose myself in nature for a few hours...stupid as it sounds, I don't think I honestly realised how important everything there was to me until I was presented with living in the complete antithesis.

    More importantly, hiding away in that forest for a little while made me realise another important thing - about the thoughts that never seem to go away. They didn't haunt me at any point on my trip "home". And I'm no psychologist, but I'm willing to believe it's because at my uni home I'm so far away from everything that makes me calm, and this kind of city life is just eliciting the worst response in me. My thoughts about the future, about university - they became increasingly escapist, and for the best of reasons - I really do want to escape, and when new opportunities and degrees and places arose, I jumped to them. Especially when I wasn't required to do well on this foundation to get a place elsewhere.

    It's not as though I don't remember every day that Rebekah and I spent in that forest during those 3 years I lived there. I still remembered them even as I walked, but it didn't matter. It was enough that, once upon a time, that kind of happiness existed, even if it doesn't today. I will be the first to admit that usually, when some memory like that happens, I instantly think of when the next time I can share these experiences with someone will be, and it is a problem, but fortunately that wasn't the case today.

    On a similar note, though, I remembered that Jade and I used to share the Metal Gear (Solid) series together, and that he had wanted us to play the last ones at some point. I did feel some responsibility, but unlike most things, I didn't do it right away. I waited until the last few days for some reason, and fully understood why he wanted me to finish them...I'm not done yet, but I understood there are a lot of messages there that maybe it's fate I discovered now, in a time full of uncertainty.

    Here are a few selected quotes that stood out:
    • "A strong man doesn't need to read the future. He makes his own." (MGS1)
    • "No one quite knows who or what they are. And we don't need to." (MGS2)
    • "It's time I lived for something more than this." (MGS3)
    • "Without the slightest chance or reason left to them, humans are capable of hope. I'm no different. But for one thing. When my time came calling I didn't die." (MGS5)
    • "Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing." (MGS3)

    So, I've made my decision. Not only about university, or subjects, or any of those things that won't change everything.
    I've decided to live. Not for my friends, not for a future I can only pretend is destined. But for me.

    As for university, I'm staying on my path. I have every opportunity, right this moment, to walk away from Biology even if it feels like it's crushing me...but I won't. This isn't the right place for me, but that doesn't mean I have to give in. I think deep down that might've been all it ever was, that the odds seemed so stacked against me in a city I don't like, and that going to Physics or reverting to History might've "brought back happier days", be it Rebekah's interests or the days I spent with my ex, encouraged by mutual interest of History. But those days are gone...Biology might've been the thing I studied as a child for the intent of healing Rebekah, but it's also the key to my future when considering how many sacrifices I made just to get here. Sacrifices nobody wanted me to give up for their sakes.

    I don't know which university in particular I'm heading to, and I don't think I need to. I made my choices (Belfast, Bangor, Leeds, Glasgow and Aberdeen) and until I hear from them, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to make the mistake I've made for such a long time over these two blogs in thinking I can read the future. It isn't about what the future is going to be like naturally, it's about what I do to make the future I dream of a reality. Some things come naturally, like love and the ever-present unexpecteds, and in those regards, it takes wisdom to know when it's better not to try to interfere in future's path. I realise that, in my desperation to get away from Sussex, I often let that blind me in the hope that wherever I headed, things would be better. I didn't try, at any point, to honestly persevere and make that difference I wanted.

    So, with all that being said, and these lessons firmly learned, I think from here it's time I started doing what I set out to - become the person I want to be for when I leave for whatever distant shore I'll wash up on in just ten short months.

    And like hell, I'm ready.
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    This sounds positive and promising. I'm glad the trip to Ireland has helped a bit
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    This sounds positive and promising. I'm glad the trip to Ireland has helped a bit
    I definitely feel a difference. Maybe the secret is to just go there more often

    Also, hope you're doing okay - I heard you resigned or something? Please feel free to message if you need to vent, you give so much help and I want to aid you in return if I can
 
 
 
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