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When a girl says "i'm not sure what i want" Watch

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    (Original post by Timothy01)
    We are both catholics, so you can imagine that "smashing" is not gonna happen for a while, let alone on the 3rd date. As i said, what you're saying makes sense with a girl who had a couple of boyfriends, but not with someone who's _this_ inexperienced.

    I can imagine that holding hands on the 2nd date for her was like test driving a Bugatti Chiron at 400km/h after you just drove a car for the first time in your entire life.

    But i can be wrong, yes. I already felt bad after our 3rd date, so i guess it won't be much more worse for me, i'm kinda ready for her to say no at this point, it won't be out of the blue. I just feel like she's worth it, not every relationship starts easily, it's quite normal. I decided to stick around for a little bit, not like i want to chase another girls at this point, i have too much on my mind.


    Well I wish you the best and hope it works it out for you.

    A small amount of the time the girl does come round and suddenly decides she likes the guy, but her behavior to me signifies she is on the fence about you. From watching dating shows on TV I have noticed that when a woman says "I'm not too sure if I like him yet, or if there's a spark" or something similar ...about 80% of the time they end up up not getting together as a couple and in most cases she won't even go on a second date with him.

    I put your chances of success with his girl at 20-30%
    the extra 10% margin is to reflect the fact you have repeated contact with this girl [without needing to go out on dates] and repeated exposure to a person [in the flesh] increases the chances of a relationship forming I have noticed.
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    (Original post by Timothy01)
    If this was any other girl (meaning: has any experience), i would agree, but she never went on a date before, don't forget this. She's completely inexperienced (and not just because of this fact, but from the things she's saying) and i actually believe that she has no idea what to think or how to handle this. And even her best friend says that's she's not an easy case, meaning communication and stuff like that, she's very extroverted.

    I'm already invested in this (after 1,5 month of dating, you kinda are), so the heartbreak will be there, no matter what and yes, i want to break it off or get a sure answer soon, but man, i feel like i still need to try and not give up this easily. If she wouldn't be interested, she wouldn't say immediately yes to my date requests, this was going so well till now.
    It doesn't matter if she's inexperienced you're obviously not the first she's spoken or made physical contact (of any kind with). If you want to be with someone then you won't have doubts.
    If you're really desperate to keep her then have a stern word with her about your own feelings and what you want.
    But really unless that has a huge impact (which I doubt) she doesn't really sound like someone that is good as a friend or a date and she definitely wouldn't defend you if someone in that group did something to you.
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    To be honest, whatever her reasons, the only thing you can do is give her space, or revert back to being just friends and continue that way.

    The only thing that's going to happen if you push it is you're going to push her further towards the 'no' side.

    So, take it slow. Respect her wishes and be a good friend to her. If it's meant to be, you will end up together, but if not then you haven't lost a friend or gotten too invested.
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    (Original post by Timothy01;74070982[b)
    ]We are both catholics, so you can imagine that "smashing" is not gonna happen for a while[/b], let alone on the 3rd date. As i said, what you're saying makes sense with a girl who had a couple of boyfriends, but not with someone who's _this_ inexperienced.

    .
    lol. you can probably ignore my advice then :laugh:
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    Ngl I'm kind of similar to the girl, from my perspective its because 1. it's moving to fast, get to know her a bit more if possible - speak to her about what you two are - if you flirt with her, does she flirt back? 2. Try to go out as a group from your university or go to like a theme park so its less lovey dovey and more natural if you get me.

    All the best, (:
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    You are extremely sweet, and that girl totally sounds like me.

    Please don't give up if you like her, I don't think she would want you to. Just give her some time and then initiate contact in a casual way again.

    Good luck
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    (Original post by Timothy01)
    Hey!

    So long story long, i've started dating this girl. She's 22, quite shy (socially and with boys), never had a boyfriend, in fact, the first date she's ever been was with me. We started dating 1-1,5 month ago, but we know each other for a year, we are in a university group kinda thing together.

    The first date went great, spent the whole afternoon together and went home after midnight, you could just see her positive body language. The second date was a little bit flat and i was worried, so i grabbed her hand when i walked her home. When we said goodbye, you could just feel the awkwardness on her face, i think it was way too fast for her, but she didn't pull away or anythin during holding hands. I messaged her saying that it might have been too fast for her and she said yes it was and said that she can be awkward and doesn't know how to handle situations like this.

    After this, we went out again for our 3rd date and i brought up our messaging. She said that she was glad that i asked her out but i made too big gestures with the hand-holding and i also wrote her a letter when i was abroad (not a big deal, it was the same as we were talking) and she's not sure what she wants and she lets me know when she made a decision, but doesn't want to stop seeing me, but she wants more simpler dates, not like the first one which was too long. She also expressed that she never went on a date and stuff like this, explaining that she don't know how to handle this and also the fact that we're in a group together and how it will be within the group if this doesn't end well.

    I know this is a textbook red flag, but the fact that she said she still wants to try gave me a little hope. Also, this girl is genuinely inexperienced, so not somebody who would drag you along like a lot of girls.

    How would you handle this situation? I feel like i should give her some time, but how long is too long? Also as i mentioned we're in a group together, so we see each other once a week, where there's hardly any talking between us. I think it's a little bit weird for her that we're in this group together while seeing each other, but even i can't handle this, like talking to her within this group like nothing happened, so she might feel like "i'm not cool enough" if i can't make small talk and joke around. But when we're together, i can.

    Since she's very unsure about everything, i feel like it matters very much how i behave and show that i'm in charge and sure of myself, but somehow also giving her some space and not rush things. Not sure how to do this though.

    I feel like i'm on a razor's edge here and the whole thing succeeds or fails on a very small thing.
    The talk about red flags is BS. Red flags are totally subjective wastes of everyones time - it's all totally contextual. For example I'd be a red flag because I haven't put my relationship status on FB (I just can't be arsed because I never use it), and she'd be a red flag because she doesn't reply quite a lot and has never made a physical move on me. Except she works like eight hours a day, every day, and has a med issue which means it's entirely reasonable, and she is a bit nervous anyway yet is always happy when I kiss her or whatever and regularly stays out with me until like 4 in the morning even when she starts early the next morning. Point being the 'this is good/this is bad' binary is nonsense.

    Love really is common sense, you can see by how they react and behave what they feel towards you - if you have an issue bring it up. If they're the person for you they'll work through it, if not it's a lucky escape. As for the being on a razor edge that's kinda your problem. Be yourself and if she don't like it then move on - it sucks and it hurts but it's also necessary. For example if you try and hold her hand and she's like nope I'd take that as a serious indication of her intent - it's the most minor form of physical contact about, I hold my mates hands occasionally to make a point or for a joke or whatever and nobody even takes the p!ss out of it. If a girl likes you she'll want to be physically close (not all the time, don't be clingy) - and holding hands after/on a date is entirely reasonable.

    I may have totally misread, I don't know the girl, but I might consider trying to move on. Having said that I had a rocky start - people are very unique and getting used to them can take some time especially if you change from friends to bf/gf so use your personal judgement but from an outsiders perspective this don't look good. I had a girl do a similar thing to me in school, turned out she was playing 3 boys at once and was literally psycho (as in she once told me she wished she was a psychopath) and lied about being sexually assaulted as a way to not have to be sexual unless she felt like it. That's massively atypical of course but the holding hands is too much thing feels like she isn't that into you.
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    Sorry OP, it is clear you have strong feelings for this girl and are attempting to argue with a what is also clear for many people that replied. One day you look back at this crush and will understand why from the outside there is only one way, the highway.Guess the first time you looked at her there was already a sparkle in your eye but not on hers. Tough.Concentrate in get the group work done and don't get distracted
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    (Original post by jinxjim)
    Sorry OP, it is clear you have strong feelings for this girl and are attempting to argue with a what is also clear for many people that replied.
    Not sure about strong feelings, but i like her. And of course i'm gonna argue the points i don't agree with, i'm not a sheep. Don't forget that i'm the one who's dating this girl and although i tried to write the situation with as many details as i could remember, i'm the one who knows her.

    And i don't see what is "clear" for many people here. There are not a lot of negative things in this story, everything went well, she just said that she's undecided, due to the fact that she's never been with anyone and i was moving too fast, that's the only thing i'm seeing. I'm fairly realistic about the situation and i agreed with the fair points that other people made if you read back.

    I asked for advice regarding how much time i should give her or how to handle the situation and you're saying i should let her go. It's like asking for help with my math homework and you say "just don't do it". That's not helping.
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    I think a better analogy is you asking whether you should take A levels in maths after an E in the GCSE and the advice is better think again.

    Good Luck
 
 
 
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