Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

How can I improve my personal statement for college? Watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Ok, so I'm applying for Maths, Further Maths, Economics and History at a college and I am required to write a maximum of 400 words for my personal statement. I'll leave it below, so if you have 5 minutes to spare could you please skim read it and give some recommendations for improvements? Thank you in advance. It is 400 words.

    "If I had to describe myself in 3 words, I would say that I am diligent, intelligent and ambitious. For example, I have been working very hard to improve my grades ever since Year 10 in order to fulfil my dream of getting into a good college, and then get accepted into Cambridge Economics. Whether or not I am accepted into Cambridge Economics will determine whether I end up being a leading economist or just another financial sector worker. Therefore, I am putting in all the effort necessary to help me achieve my ambition. I will never settle for having just 'good' grades.

    One example of my hard work is my Duke of Edinburgh Bronze and (soon) my Silver Award. During the Duke of Edinburgh, I learned and gained several valuable qualities like perseverance, cooperation and the ability to work well under pressure. I even played a role in successfully leading the group through the treacherous forests of Hampshire, but most importantly I thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience. I found the whole experience considerably easier after realising that I would get a certificate to put on my CV. This mindset is similar to the one I use when it comes to my education. I hope to also complete the Gold Award and NCS simultaneously.

    At home, I have a fierce passion for politics and economics, particularly macroeconomics. I find it fascinating and as a result of this I have found myself reading many books on the subject, such as A Fighting Chance by Elizabeth Warren, where she gave her first-person account of the 2008 Financial Crisis. In addition to this, I have read The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama, Hard Choices by Hillary Clinton and both Outsider in the White House and Our Revolution by Bernie Sanders. Reading these books has given me a lot of insight regarding the inner workings of the White House in America, and has furthered my political knowledge substantially. I have a subscription to The Economist which I read daily to improve my knowledge and understanding of economics. Throughout the 2016 Election, I backed Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton for president, respectively, and was devastated after discovering that Trump had been made president through a fault in the electoral college. I love history because of it's deep relationship with politics and economics and because of the many lessons we can learn from the past."
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    If you're doing this through UCAS then this personal statement will not work. It will get recognised by the anti-plagarism software and you won't get your place. I strongly recommend you rewrite this personal statement if that's the case.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    I take it this Statement is NOT for UCAS but Simply to get into a college not a university???

    If this is for UCAS you will have to scrap this and make a completely new personal statement as Google will have cached this and it will not get past the UCAS personal statement plagiarism checker software.

    Do not post any UCAS personal statements online at all.
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by theeetimdoherty)
    Ok, so I'm applying for Maths, Further Maths, Economics and History at a college and I am required to write a maximum of 400 words for my personal statement. I'll leave it below, so if you have 5 minutes to spare could you please skim read it and give some recommendations for improvements? Thank you in advance. It is 400 words.

    "If I had to describe myself in 3 words, I would say that I am diligent, intelligent and ambitious. For example, I have been working very hard to improve my grades ever since Year 10 in order to fulfil my dream of getting into a good college, and then get accepted into Cambridge Economics. Whether or not I am accepted into Cambridge Economics will determine whether I end up being a leading economist or just another financial sector worker. Therefore, I am putting in all the effort necessary to help me achieve my ambition. I will never settle for having just 'good' grades.

    One example of my hard work is my Duke of Edinburgh Bronze and (soon) my Silver Award. During the Duke of Edinburgh, I learned and gained several valuable qualities like perseverance, cooperation and the ability to work well under pressure. I even played a role in successfully leading the group through the treacherous forests of Hampshire, but most importantly I thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience. I found the whole experience considerably easier after realising that I would get a certificate to put on my CV. This mindset is similar to the one I use when it comes to my education. I hope to also complete the Gold Award and NCS simultaneously.

    At home, I have a fierce passion for politics and economics, particularly macroeconomics. I find it fascinating and as a result of this I have found myself reading many books on the subject, such as A Fighting Chance by Elizabeth Warren, where she gave her first-person account of the 2008 Financial Crisis. In addition to this, I have read The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama, Hard Choices by Hillary Clinton and both Outsider in the White House and Our Revolution by Bernie Sanders. Reading these books has given me a lot of insight regarding the inner workings of the White House in America, and has furthered my political knowledge substantially. I have a subscription to The Economist which I read daily to improve my knowledge and understanding of economics. Throughout the 2016 Election, I backed Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton for president, respectively, and was devastated after discovering that Trump had been made president through a fault in the electoral college. I love history because of it's deep relationship with politics and economics and because of the many lessons we can learn from the past."
    Your personal statement is way too focused on politics considering that you don't want to study it at college or uni. That big last paragraph is all politics, and therefore pretty pointless. What you need to talk about is maths - it's going to be half of your timetable so you need to at least mention it, and preferably go into some depth about your enjoyment of it. At the moment it kind of looks like you're choosing the wrong A levels.

    Also, I'd strongly consider taking out the part about how only a Cambridge degree can make you a leading economist. It makes you sound extremely elitist (especially to any members of the economics faculty who didn't go to Cambridge) and is also objectively untrue- there are plenty of successful economists without a Cambridge degree.

    To be honest though, the personal statement will probably have minimal impact on your application because the college is going to care so much more about grades, so don't stress over it too much.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    you can follow the sample given on Google, but do not post directly to avoid plagiarism
 
 
 
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Did TEF Bronze Award affect your UCAS choices?
    Help with your A-levels

    All the essentials

    The adventure begins mug

    Student life: what to expect

    What it's really like going to uni

    Rosette

    Essay expert

    Learn to write like a pro with our ultimate essay guide.

    Uni match

    Uni match

    Our tool will help you find the perfect course for you

    Study planner

    Create a study plan

    Get your head around what you need to do and when with the study planner tool.

    Study planner

    Resources by subject

    Everything from mind maps to class notes.

    Hands typing

    Degrees without fees

    Discover more about degree-level apprenticeships.

    A student doing homework

    Study tips from A* students

    Students who got top grades in their A-levels share their secrets

    Study help links and info

    Can you help? Study help unanswered threadsRules and posting guidelines

    Sponsored content:

    HEAR

    HEAR

    Find out how a Higher Education Achievement Report can help you prove your achievements.

    Groups associated with this forum:

    View associated groups
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.