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A situation

Right here it goes:

Ive been in a relationship for about 15 months with my girlfriend , we are both 21 and both virgins.

As much as we love each other, there is simply very little physical intamcy/passion in this relationship. This is mainly due to the past of my girlfriend and several events which have happened earlier in her life and this has prevented her having sex with me as the trauma is too bad.

Though ive never had sex and not much experienced with the other sexual stuff, i do really want to have it with, because I feel it is an important normal part of an adult relationship.

The thing is, my girlfriend got counselling a few years ago, and this did not really help her in her words. Now whats happened is that she does not really want to talk about this part of the relationship. I know she does feel scared, but I dont belive she is making the effort to confront the demons. When she first told me all this, I asked if she tried counselling and she said she has tried before, and kind of expected me to leave it as that. She never initiates anything sexually at all, nor seems to take pleasure/groan when i give her oral.

I dont know but I find it a bit de-moralising that she is not trying to make things better for both of us, i dont think I can be in a sex-less relationship. I asked her when she was ready for sex and she said she may never be ready for it. I was then :frown:

That would not be good for the relationship.

What shall I do, what should she do (should she make more of an effort)

Reply 1

spacecowgirl89

1

Talk to her about it. Sit down and discuss it, but be gentle. Obviously it's a very sensitive topic for your girlfriend and you don't want to be dishing out ultimatums like 'we either have sex or I'm off' kind of thing, which I doubt you'd do anyway. But just let her know that you don't think it's healthy for you both to be in a sexless relationship and that you can take things slow, no rush or pressure for her to have sex with you/do anything sexual. Perhaps that would help?

Reply 2

Rob764

1

Like the above poster suggests, talk to her in a sensitive manner. However, in my opinion the issue will never be resolves fully without a return to therapy (and maybe not even then). There will come a point when you need to raise the subject of professional help.

Reply 3

Dragon24

17

Maybe go to counselling with her? Some guys don't go so the girlfriend may feel like she has no support. Brook advisory offer a councelling service free of charge and Relate do a book on Sex and Relationships. You have been patient and sound like you care about her :smile:

It may be frustrating but is worth the wait!

Reply 4

Rutter knows best!

12

maybe its broke hehe.

Reply 5

QBC123

10

Dude listen... it happens! Im with a chick now who had a really bad experience with sex ,nothing traumatic but it was just bad! She asked me if we could take it slow and I agreed - its hard but im coping! Thing is whether or not we like it it is scientifically harder for a guy not to have sex than a girl! Thing is from past experience I can tell you that when she is comfortable with you then the sex will happen! But the above posters were right- talk to her! ITs a two way thing- you have waited for over a year and now its her turn to give sex a shot! Dont be a pusher though cuz gurls are very happy to believe guys are with them for the sex! I think what you have is a girl who is ashamed to feel pleasure- she may have been abused- so she feels like feeling pleasure is wrong and brings back bad memories! So if that is the case you gotta be understanding- by the looks of things you guys are serious and who known you may be together for many years so go to counselling with her, that way you will hear her problems and usually there is something you can do to help!

Hope I helped :smile:

! and good luck...

Reply 6

username151895

9

Respect your lady's wishes. :biggrin:

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Just an update, i attempted to talk to her about this, even make suggestions to go counselling but shes having none of it, she said something like her doctor wont gurantee if she will have flashbacks, which i know could happen but she really is not willing to do this, she also politly reminded me saying she may never be ready to have sex and it looks like she can live with a relationship without ANYTHING sexual, whilst I cant. What should i do?

Reply 8

Dragon24

17

Depends how much you like her. You could put a time on it, but don't tell her. As she has told you it may never happen. Just carry on being affectionate or wait for her to initiate. You may have to re-evaluate if you want to be more than friends which you may have to leave :frown:

Reply 9

username47781

20

You could give it time and see if she gets any better i.e after councelling, however if you are unable to wait, sounds cruel but maybe it's best to let her go.

Reply 10

angelpie

5

Take it step by step, she doesnt seem to be too afraid of intimacy if she let you go down on her-i personally think thats more intimate than intercourse. She might not initiate anything or show pleasure cos of her environment and the way she was brought up-in many families girls are encouraged to suppress their sexuality.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

The thing is im not sure if she wants to go to counselling, she doenst want to bring up the memories again, she said because of that its not a risk worth taking, im worried shes going to keep it inside her as a dark secret and the same cycle will keep on going over and over, its making me very unhappy

Reply 12

angelpie

5

She might be really scared of physical pain, i really cant see her being afraid of intimacy if shes let you go down on her-she knows oral sex cant hurt (unless you bite).

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

When ive done that, shes not reacted at all, not even let a groan or any change in her face, she just lies still and does not seem to take any enjoyment, she makes no effort on me (i have to ask for a blowjob!), ive been patient ive been with her for 16 months now, i just wanted her to make an effort , i did not bring up sex until about 7 months in so im not just after that, i want it to be part of the relationship.

Ive read other posts on TSR with girls who have trauma in childhood which has made it very hard to have/want sex but at least there was some effort to try and forget the memory. A girl i knew a while ago got raped years and years ago and went into counselling, but its not affected her relationship with her 2 year boyfriend (she loves sex!)

Reply 14

unfinished sympathy

15

Anonymous

When ive done that, shes not reacted at all, not even let a groan or any change in her face, she just lies still and does not seem to take any enjoyment, she makes no effort on me (i have to ask for a blowjob!), ive been patient ive been with her for 16 months now, i just wanted her to make an effort , i did not bring up sex until about 7 months in so im not just after that, i want it to be part of the relationship.

Ive read other posts on TSR with girls who have trauma in childhood which has made it very hard to have/want sex but at least there was some effort to try and forget the memory. A girl i knew a while ago got raped years and years ago and went into counselling, but its not affected her relationship with her 2 year boyfriend (she loves sex!)

maybe you should just call it a day, and be frank, and say i can't be in this relationship without sexual intimacy, i think we should just be friends. it sounds to me as if the relationship you're in is basically friendship with the odd blowjob or whatever. If you love her, then it's crap, but you want to be in an adult relationship, and you can't be in one with her. If it's upsetting you then just call it a day. Still be friends though, so neither of you are losing each other totally. BUt if she is totally not interested in sex and it's obvious you are, then she should be upfront and say i think you need something more than i can give you.

I'm sorry but she sounds to me very selfish. I understand she's had a hard past, and that she's been abused, but she needs to take your feelings into considerationa and at the mo she isn't. sorry.

A situation

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