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Encourage this stubborn fool to get help Watch

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    #1

    the stubborn fool = me.

    I need help. I've had this 'thing' for a long time now, years and years. it's stopped me from forming relationships, affected my grades, lifestyle... you name it.

    I can't describe it but, it like narrows my mind? instead of seeing the whole picture, I only focus on sort of snapshots? those snapshots are just the bad stuff of a scenario.

    I feel like I'm in a position where reluctantly I have to blame it on something, I'm gonna blame it on 'thing'.

    Sometimes I think and think and like I picture scenarios, then subsequent hypothetical scenarios in my head. it just goes on and on and on.

    I'm okay at stopping the 'thing' from forming in my mind sometimes (coping mechanisms). but when I don't, it's like...imagine an octopus squirting it's ink, well the ink is in my head, it's poisonous.

    Even when I don't have the 'thing' my normal life is poop. I'm not confident at all, I backed out of a lot of things, give up too easily (well, not so much recently) .

    sometimes I've got better at pushing the 'thing' away, but it's always there and it comes back.

    What triggered me to write this was, someone who (a friend) from school, he was a shy guy, but he transformed himself totally - goes to concerts and parties etc.

    I want that. I also don't want to think twice, nope more like 49 times before doing something. I don't want to turn small things into big problems.
    but I do!!!

    I'm scared of registering to a GP even. You're gonna say, why, i can't explain why. it just shuts my mind down and the 'thing' is ever present when I think about it.

    But I've been this way for far too long now. I need ... help.

    bit about me:
    early 20s, no uni, imo **** a levels / VTEC qualifications, no friends (haven't had one in 4/5 years), good at faking confidence, no social life. Hate living at home, want to move cities, no current job.

    if you want to help, help with the mentality that you won't give up on me, because I'm very stubborn and rigid about getting help from others ( just in general)...
    hope you guys understand.
    thx
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    Then you will not get help at all. The only person that can help you is you. Put that in your "stubborn" head.
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    Then you will not get help at all. The only person that can help you is you. Put that in your "stubborn" head.
    why would you even reply?
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    Shawn is right OP in a 'tough love' sort of way. Ultimately only YOU can help you, we can advise etc but its the old leading the horse to water adage.

    I identify with some of what you say myself (BTW Im 37 and feel Ive 'socially underperformed' most of my life.)

    Read https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-roots-of-loneliness/ - for me this was an epiphany. In your case maybe its #4 - you sound like a classic overanalyser. Move on. Law of averages is sometimes people do (or dont do) things that upset us. Focus on positive interactions.

    Also beyond Uni meetup.com is a great way of making new friends and I am the most confident with other people I have been in my entire life largely due to joining it earlier this year and going to events!
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    (Original post by Wimbs)
    Shawn is right OP in a 'tough love' sort of way. Ultimately only YOU can help you, we can advise etc but its the old leading the horse to water adage.

    I identify with some of what you say myself (BTW Im 37 and feel Ive 'socially underperformed' most of my life.)

    Read https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-roots-of-loneliness/ - for me this was an epiphany. In your case maybe its #4 - you sound like a classic overanalyser. Move on. Law of averages is sometimes people do (or dont do) things that upset us. Focus on positive interactions.

    Also beyond Uni meetup.com is a great way of making new friends and I am the most confident with other people I have been in my entire life largely due to joining it earlier this year and going to events!
    hey thanks for that, I'd say I identify with 1,4,5,6 and tiny bits of 2,3...

    Sounds like i got a long way to go.

    But, what about if I have high (achieveable) goals and ambitions? does that play a factor?

    Also, will I ever be a totally different person? like I feel my true self is buried beneath a shell and it's kinda waiting to come out. But I have to be reserved for some reason.
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    hey thanks for that, I'd say I identify with 1,4,5,6 and tiny bits of 2,3...

    Its common to have more than one here. They interlink to some extent with one causing others in a vicious circle.

    I had 1 massively at uni although have largely overcome it now, try and see yourself as an equal to others instead of putting them on a pedestal and remember most people are too busy with their own thoughts/concerns to judge others.
    Being lonely in itself can cause 2, which of course then keeps you lonely!
    3 - to a slight degree. I fell off the slide in my Reception year and had to be taken to hospital. My parents insisted to the school I was subsequently banned from the slide - all of my peers could use it. I know they had my best interests at heart but things like this, maybe they sow certain seeds, like being the only boy not picked for the football team in Year 6.
    4 - yes, I was exactly that sort and would get upset/hold 'grudges' for days on end but Ive largely overcome it, 95% of the time the upset is nothing personal and the other person probably doesnt realise they upset you!
    5 - I am actually fine with 'meet and greet' although still need to work on the 'maintenance' side as its put and have the confidence to take it further.
    6 - in the past I would get upset if friends cancelled but thats life, you have to see going out as a bonus not an 'entitlement/expectation.'





    Sounds like i got a long way to go.

    The fact its all connected means get better at one of them and the others should uplift.

    But, what about if I have high (achieveable) goals and ambitions? does that play a factor?

    That links in to 6 - this can spill over into maybe an unrealistic expectation of others.

    Also, will I ever be a totally different person? like I feel my true self is buried beneath a shell and it's kinda waiting to come out. But I have to be reserved for some reason.

    Know the feeling. Im sure my best self is a gregarious, funny , extroverted guy with many friends and a partner, my reality is a long way removed playing catchup.

    Rome wasn't built in a day, it will come but the best things take time!
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    You really have to push yourself to improve things, go out and do things. We could offer you all of the help in the world, but if you don't take it, nothing good comes out of it.

    Make a list of things that you hope to achieve and steps to get there. Everytime you have done one step, cross it off and move on to the next step. It gives you something to focus on, rather than the "thing". Remember the friend you saw who was now a confident person - use him as your inspiration. He would have worked hard to get to where he was today.

    Some areas you could think about - career. At the moment you are not working. I would try to get some volunteering for experience on your CV and it helps you meet people. Don't be shy to talk to people, force yourself too. Aim to talk to a number of people each time. The more you do this, you will feel more socially relaxed.

    You can then focus on what you want to do, whether it is to find temporary work to help you save money or go back to school and get some qualifications for the career you want.

    After you manage to get employment, you could think about learning to drive (gives you more independence) or saving money for a place of your own. You could socialise with workmates, or carry on volunteering at the weekend. You could discover some hobbies and interests that give you positive feelings.

    It isn't really a quick fix, but you are still young. If you are willing to put in the effort, you have every chance of turning your life around. You may also want to reconsider going to your GP or a therapist if things get really bad. Don't be scared, they are there to help.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Wimbs)
    hey thanks for that, I'd say I identify with 1,4,5,6 and tiny bits of 2,3...

    Its common to have more than one here. They interlink to some extent with one causing others in a vicious circle.

    I had 1 massively at uni although have largely overcome it now, try and see yourself as an equal to others instead of putting them on a pedestal and remember most people are too busy with their own thoughts/concerns to judge others.
    Being lonely in itself can cause 2, which of course then keeps you lonely!
    3 - to a slight degree. I fell off the slide in my Reception year and had to be taken to hospital. My parents insisted to the school I was subsequently banned from the slide - all of my peers could use it. I know they had my best interests at heart but things like this, maybe they sow certain seeds, like being the only boy not picked for the football team in Year 6.
    4 - yes, I was exactly that sort and would get upset/hold 'grudges' for days on end but Ive largely overcome it, 95% of the time the upset is nothing personal and the other person probably doesnt realise they upset you!
    5 - I am actually fine with 'meet and greet' although still need to work on the 'maintenance' side as its put and have the confidence to take it further.
    6 - in the past I would get upset if friends cancelled but thats life, you have to see going out as a bonus not an 'entitlement/expectation.'





    Sounds like i got a long way to go.

    The fact its all connected means get better at one of them and the others should uplift.

    But, what about if I have high (achieveable) goals and ambitions? does that play a factor?

    That links in to 6 - this can spill over into maybe an unrealistic expectation of others.

    Also, will I ever be a totally different person? like I feel my true self is buried beneath a shell and it's kinda waiting to come out. But I have to be reserved for some reason.

    Know the feeling. Im sure my best self is a gregarious, funny , extroverted guy with many friends and a partner, my reality is a long way removed playing catchup.

    Rome wasn't built in a day, it will come but the best things take time!
    hey,

    I registered at a gp today, got a check up and gonna ask for help
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    Well done for taking action, nobody deserves to feel miserable and hopefully things will improve
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    (Original post by Wimbs)
    Well done for taking action, nobody deserves to feel miserable and hopefully things will improve
    hey, thx a bunch. I've been sorta depressed for 6 or so years. I've coped a bit, look at online stuff online etc during those times. but you are one the positive influences out of everything that has encouraged me to get help.

    so thx a lot ☺
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