Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Please can you help me finsh and improve this story/desceiption of a forest? Watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    5
    ReputationRep:
    Please include metaphors, similes, ambitious vocab and varied punctuation.

    The forest’s eerie atmosphere was almost palpable. You could almost feel the uncanny surroundings at your fingertips. The unnatural, choking mist that swirled and sprawled on the forest floor was only the first part of many more immoral happenings that occurred in this once but no more beautiful woodland . There was a time when the forest was very much contradicting how it is now- it was full of stunning verdant leaves and the trees gave of a strong yet calming scent. With a clear, distinguished path that was a pleasure to pass by. Not anymore. The sickly white mist substance seemed to possess any living organism with it's enticing panoramic view to come closer, deeper into the forest only to see it's pure and utter ugliness. The smoke made no sound however only parted to swallow up her feet as she marched upon the lifeless, old forest. The sound of mushy and dead leaves whispered from under the skin of the mist. It was a creaking shack created by nature that remained isolated, untouched; when it wasn’t, it swiftly transformed to a monstrous, beast-like ghost ready to consume you at any given chance. Much like the ghost that was standing right before James. His leg was intertwined in the tree’s branches that were creepy arms tangling around each other...
    • TSR Support Team
    • Welcome Squad
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TheFlash2024)
    Please include metaphors, similes, ambitious vocab and varied punctuation.

    The forest’s eerie atmosphere was almost palpable. You could almost feel the uncanny surroundings at your fingertips. The unnatural, choking mist that swirled and sprawled on the forest floor was only the first part of many more immoral happenings that occurred in this once but no more beautiful woodland . There was a time when the forest was very much contradicting how it is now- it was full of stunning verdant leaves and the trees gave of a strong yet calming scent. With a clear, distinguished path that was a pleasure to pass by. Not anymore. The sickly white mist substance seemed to possess any living organism with it's enticing panoramic view to come closer, deeper into the forest only to see it's pure and utter ugliness. The smoke made no sound however only parted to swallow up her feet as she marched upon the lifeless, old forest. The sound of mushy and dead leaves whispered from under the skin of the mist. It was a creaking shack created by nature that remained isolated, untouched; when it wasn’t, it swiftly transformed to a monstrous, beast-like ghost ready to consume you at any given chance. Much like the ghost that was standing right before James. His leg was intertwined in the tree’s branches that were creepy arms tangling around each other...
    This is a good piece of writing just a few comments:
    - "...uncanny surroundings" - did you mean "peculiar"? "Uncanny" is a slightly strange choice of word there.
    - "immoral" - as above; make sure you know the exact meanings of the words you're using!
    - "...was very much contradicting" - "there once was a time" describes a singular, finished event in the past, so you should be using the simple past ("very much contradicted"). Also, "contrasted with" might be better than "contradicted."
    - "With a clear..." - the fragment here is unnecessary; I would use a comma and continue on from the previous sentence. "Distinct" is preferable to "distinguished", since the latter has connotations related to social class which of course don't work here.
    - "Not anymore." - I just felt like commenting on this because I like it; it creates tension
    - "possess...to" - "compel" would be better here.
    - "it's" - "it's" = it is, belonging to it = its.
    - "marched upon" - "through" sounds better; "upon" is like "on top of."
    - The last few sentences are very nice
    - "creepy" sounds a little too colloquial; "creeping" is better. You could also use a colon or a hyphen instead of "that were" to make it less clunky.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    5
    ReputationRep:
    Thank you so much. I have an assessment about describing the forest and I wanted to use this. the only thing is I cant bring it into the test. do you have any way that I could use this in the test
 
 
 
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What newspaper do you read/prefer?
    Useful resources

    Make your revision easier

    OMAM

    Ultimate Of Mice And Men Thread

    Plot, context, character analysis and everything in between.

    Notes

    Revision Hub

    All our revision materials in one place

    Love books

    Common grammar and vocabulary problems

    Get your questions asked and answered

    Useful literary websitesStudy help rules and posting guidelines

    Groups associated with this forum:

    View associated groups
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.