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Is it wrong to admit feelings to a girl if she's in a relationship? Watch

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    So last year me and this girl ended up getting proper close towards the end of my last year in uni. She'd previously gone out with a guy I knew and he was an acquaintance so she was kinda off limits but I was ok with that as I was only interested in being friends anyway.

    During the year we got REAL close, I mean we didn't have sex but aside from that we were practically in a relationship, we would see each other every other day and constantly take each other out for "dates" like we would take each other out for drinks, restaurants, films and hang around town etc practically everything a couple does.

    Everyone thought we were dating. She's introduced me to numerous members of her family, even invited me to her graduation with her mum when she only had two guest passes. I got to know her better than I'd ever known anyone in my life, told her stuff I'd never told anyone. She's literally the only girl who's ever understood me as a person and actually liked me for who I am.

    Near the end of the year she tells me she has some news and there's a guy she's started seeing and my heart kinda sunk. I think there's was an unspoken thing with us that eventually we'd both end up in relationships but still be friends throughout - but I didn't anticipate getting feels.

    Fast forward a few months they're offficialy boyfriend and girlfriend.

    She invited me up in September for a party and things have definitely changed, we're not like we used to be. I spent most of the party trying to avoid talking to her. She asks me If something's up and I tell her I'm tired.

    Anyway since the party I've just avoided contacting her like I used to as I accept the only way I'm gonna be able to get over her is by distancing myself. So for four weeks I refuse to message/call her.

    Today she sends me a message asking how I'm doing and how much she misses me and that she wants to go for drinks, coincidentally I was going to be going up to uni to see some friends for a few days. (She's doing a post grad and I've graduated btw).

    I'm thinking to tell her that I realised I had feelings for her and accept that our friendship isn't going to be the same now. Think it's the only way I can move forward you understand ? It's not even like I want to split her and her boyfriend up, I want her to be happy. But my feelings are kinda eating me up inside.
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    No, but it's a little selfish if you know she's in a committed relationship.

    You've admitted them to yourself, is there a need to drag her into it?
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    (Original post by artful_lounger)
    No, but it's a little selfish if you know she's in a committed relationship.

    You've admitted them to yourself, is there a need to drag her into it?
    I kinda want to keep her in my life though. We promised not to stop talking to each other if we ended up in a relationship way way back.

    I think I have two options: either cut her out completely and regret it for ever or tell her how I feel so at least I have it off my chest and we can hopefully stay friends from a distance.
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    (Original post by Woeful)
    I kinda want to keep her in my life though. We promised not to stop talking to each other if we ended up in a relationship way way back.

    I think I have two options: either cut her out completely and regret it for ever or tell her how I feel so at least I have it off my chest and we can hopefully stay friends from a distance.
    Is there a reason you can't just treat her as a human being and remain friends with her and accept and respect her relationship with someone else...
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    (Original post by artful_lounger)
    Is there a reason you can't just treat her as a human being and remain friends with her and accept and respect her relationship with someone else...
    That's harder on me though, screw that.

    It's hard enough when I sub consciously compare every girl I meet to her and find it hard maintaining interest in any of them. I need to sort myself out man.
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    I would say tell her everything this lifts up the feelings and you will feel as if you have given yourself a new chance.
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    (Original post by Woeful)
    That's harder on me though, screw that.

    It's hard enough when I sub consciously compare every girl I meet to her and find it hard maintaining interest in any of them. I need to sort myself out man.
    Gawd straight boys are the worst...
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    (Original post by Woeful)
    That's harder on me though, screw that.

    It's hard enough when I sub consciously compare every girl I meet to her and find it hard maintaining interest in any of them. I need to sort myself out man.
    Trust me I have been in that position before, and you are hurt the most. And I know how that feels because I have been in that position. Just tell her you will feel better trust me.
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    (Original post by TheAlchemistress)
    Trust me I have been in that position before, and you are hurt the most. And I know how that feels because I have been in that position. Just tell her you will feel better trust me.
    I needed that. Thank you 🙏🏽
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    (Original post by Woeful)
    I needed that. Thank you 🙏🏽
    No worries but it will help you a lot. Be straightforward say what you have to say and don't hold back.
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    (Original post by artful_lounger)
    Gawd straight boys are the worst...
    There's two kinds of people in life, the ones who get ****ed over and the ones who do the ****ing.
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    It's not completely wrong, but it is putting unfair pressure on the girl. What actual benefit do you think you'd achieve from telling her? If it's "she may like me back", well then you're promoting disloyalty towards her boyfriend. Which imo is wrong
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    Nah deffo tell her because not only will it help you but the whole time she may have felt the same and thought you didn’t so at least this way you will find out!!! Don’t keep it in because it will eat you up! Let us know what she says!
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    Don't tell her. A guy has recently put me in this position knowing full well I have a boyfriend. It hurts because it confuses me as to whether I have feelings for him or whether it's nothing. She may end up resenting you for making her feel conflicted. I know it's going to suck so much, and I know it's going to hurt but if I were you I'd try and move on. It's only fair to the both of you and her boyfriend.
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    I don't think you should tell her. It's unfair that you have to hold that burden, but if you were to tell her, you would put the burden on her. It would most likely cause difficulties in her relationship as she might be feeling confused, upset, etc. plus your friendship with her probably will not last very long. I know that it will bother you for a while but eventually you'll let go of it, if your feelings for her are real then you need to put the girl's feelings first and not put her in a difficult situation.
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    If you want to score...take you chance even if there's a roadblock. If you really want this girl, make your intentions clear.
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    (Original post by Woeful)
    That's harder on me though, screw that.

    It's hard enough when I sub consciously compare every girl I meet to her and find it hard maintaining interest in any of them. I need to sort myself out man.
    You do need to sort yourself out.

    What you're doing is 'One-itis'. It's when guys become obsessed over a girl and don't go out with other people because they can't possibly measure up to this girl

    It's creepy, because you're putting her on a pedestal that she can't possibly live up to and you're only doing it because it's safe and doesn't require you to put yourself out at all.

    When you confess you have feelings for her, she's going to be weirded out and stop talking to you..
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    I have been in the position of the girl. Only difference was the man in your position was my ex. He told me how he felt and it really upset me. I cared about him but I didn't want a relationship with him and I knew that hurt him.

    I tried to be his friend but all it did was hurt us both cos he wanted me and I wouldn't give myself to him. I left him alone for a long time, texted every so often just to see how he was, I cried when he told me he had cancer, sent him a card as he was recovering from surgery, Nothing to suggest we were anything more than friends. The most important thing he ever said to me was 'I would rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all!'

    Several years later, now we are friends. He looks at my car when i have problem, He comes over for tea now and then. He as never met my boyfriend, now my fiance. He as expressed that he would like to, I don't know my fiance feelings on that event. He may have to eventually if i invite him to our house-warming and/or wedding.

    I cant tell you whether or not tell her, just giving you my experience. She may realise she has feelings for you too and break up with her boyfriend in favour of you, she may get scared and run back to her boyfriend and you've lost a good friend. No one can tell you how she will react, use what you know of her personality to gauge how you think she will react which may not necessarily be the reaction you want and make you decision based on that. Good luck with whatever to decide to do.
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    (Original post by Woeful)
    So last year me and this girl ended up getting proper close towards the end of my last year in uni. She'd previously gone out with a guy I knew and he was an acquaintance so she was kinda off limits but I was ok with that as I was only interested in being friends anyway.

    During the year we got REAL close, I mean we didn't have sex but aside from that we were practically in a relationship, we would see each other every other day and constantly take each other out for "dates" like we would take each other out for drinks, restaurants, films and hang around town etc practically everything a couple does.

    Everyone thought we were dating. She's introduced me to numerous members of her family, even invited me to her graduation with her mum when she only had two guest passes. I got to know her better than I'd ever known anyone in my life, told her stuff I'd never told anyone. She's literally the only girl who's ever understood me as a person and actually liked me for who I am.

    Near the end of the year she tells me she has some news and there's a guy she's started seeing and my heart kinda sunk. I think there's was an unspoken thing with us that eventually we'd both end up in relationships but still be friends throughout - but I didn't anticipate getting feels.

    Fast forward a few months they're offficialy boyfriend and girlfriend.

    She invited me up in September for a party and things have definitely changed, we're not like we used to be. I spent most of the party trying to avoid talking to her. She asks me If something's up and I tell her I'm tired.

    Anyway since the party I've just avoided contacting her like I used to as I accept the only way I'm gonna be able to get over her is by distancing myself. So for four weeks I refuse to message/call her.

    Today she sends me a message asking how I'm doing and how much she misses me and that she wants to go for drinks, coincidentally I was going to be going up to uni to see some friends for a few days. (She's doing a post grad and I've graduated btw).

    I'm thinking to tell her that I realised I had feelings for her and accept that our friendship isn't going to be the same now. Think it's the only way I can move forward you understand ? It's not even like I want to split her and her boyfriend up, I want her to be happy. But my feelings are kinda eating me up inside.

    I think you should tell her. Then-

    1)Either she rejects you and says she loves her bf and is serious with him. But this will help you get over her as well since you know that you had told her and nothing can happen with her.

    2)Or she will get confused and think about if its serious with her bf or not. If she's not sure about her boyfriend or if any friend professing his feelings for her makes her confused about her current bf then she probably doesn't love her bf fully anyway.

    3)She'll hurt and not want to be your friend. At least you know then that she liked you or its difficult for her to be friends with you which means she must have had deeper feelings at least. You can also tell from this that she doesn't see a future with you then even if she might have feelings for you(maybe because personality diffs, choices etc.)

    I think you'll feel better either ways since you have expressed it so can get some closure and move on.
 
 
 
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