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Need advice - should I pursue her or is it over? Watch

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    Hi all, I really need some advice about this girl here and I'd love every piece I can get - I've just realised this is quite a long post, but I have a lot things to explain.
    Stick with me here!

    *****

    So in June a new girl starts at work and we hit it off instantly. From day one we're flirting, and things move pretty quickly after that: we're texting by the end of her first week, I went to meet her and her friends at a festival a week later and we ended up having our first kiss and staying long after everyone else, then a week after that we go on our first official date and end up sleeping together.
    As I say, things moved pretty quickly and from that point onwards it was established that we were seeing eachother.

    The thing is, at that time I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship, so I didn't commit to anything. I was happy to keep seeing her on a casual basis, and she said that she was ok with how things were going too, so that's how they stayed. During this time we saw a fair bit of eachother and my feelings really developed to the point where I was serious about being official with her.
    The problem is that at about the time I was ready to commit (I was literally planning the conversation for a night we had coming up together), she had decided enough was enough and she didn't want to see me anymore. She gave a BS reason about having just got out of a long relationship that ended badly and not being ready for another one, which I accepted at the time and respected her decision to just be friends moving forwards.

    After that, I was shocked at how fast her mannerisms towards me changed. The Whatsapp conversations stopped, she started avoided me in the office and when we were together there was no hint of flirting or attraction at all. Don't get me wrong, I know we'd called it quits and I didn't expect things to just stay the same, but at this point I was desperately trying to get over her and couldn't get her out of my head, whilst it looked like she'd just snapped her fingers and instantly stopped caring about me altogether. We were very affectionate with each other all the time before this, holding hands down the street, stealing kisses when no-one was looking at work, messaging all the time etc... so it really hit hard when everything stopped very suddenly.

    After a bit of digging and a conversation or two about our relationship, it finally transpired that she broke up with me because she didn't feel like I cared enough about her and she wanted to be whisked away by someone who did. Fair enough, I held my hands up as I can totally see where she's coming from and that's my fault for dragging my heels with her in the first place. I didn't beg for her back at this point, but I did apologise for being such a bad partner in the first place and making her feel unwanted. At this point she said she feels like we're at different points in our 'relationship development' as I wasn't getting her signals that she wanted more, but she said she still really likes me and under different circumstances she'd love to be with me, but taking everything into consideration she really just wants to be friends. She also hinted that there's still an attraction and who knows what will happen if we're drunk together e.g. work Christmas party...

    Now, at the time we broke up, we'd literally both just got back from seperate holidays (coincidentally booked for the same week before we knew each other), and after some digging I found out that she'd met a guy on the last night of her holiday (whilst we were still seeing each other and claiming to be exclusive, but whatever...), spent a wild night in the city together (supposedly they didn't sleep together and I do believe her), swapped phone numbers and had been sending flirty texts ever since. Now her sudden lack of attraction made sense: she was getting it from somewhere else. Important note: this guy doesn't live in the same country as us. She claims that after breaking from her ex, she was single for a few months until meeting me, and my lack of committment knocked her back and really broke her confidence. She had no such problem with this other guy who was very into her from the start and made her feel wanted.

    The situation now is that this guy has booked a flight to London (our location) for the week, she has booked a week off work and they are spending it in an airbnb together. Her birthday falls during this week too so its a pretty significant date for her. This is literally happening right now - as I type he is literally flying here and they will be meeting tomorrow in person for the first time since their wild night.

    Up until the point that I discovered this would be happening (last week), I'd been doing my best to be nice to her at all times. We'd been chatting at work fairly regularly, occasionally she had a bad day and I bought her favourite snacks to put a smile on her face when I was getting my lunch etc... Since I found out about the guy, I told myself that there was no point and to start NC as best as I could. For the last week I've been avoiding her at work and any time we have been forced to talk, I've responded to all non-work related questions with one-word answers to kill the conversation.

    This week she commented a few times on how I'm always grumpy with her these days and I don't talk to her anymore despite us saying we'd be friends etc... and she seemed genuinely sad about the situation. Then things got really confusing for me. A couple of days ago she started being affectionate towards me again: staying in the kitchen at work to try and make conversation whilst I prepared food, flirting with little pokes and grabs whenever we happened to be near eachother, and on a couple of occasions she came up and hugged me "just to be nice". She also suggested that we go out for pizza one day next week as it's her birthday (note: we used to eat pizza together for like EVERY meal when we dated) and directly referenced our first date. I didn't comment on the pizza thing initially, but then a day later I did say I've thought of somewhere we could go, and she said she'd message me when she'd worked out a day/time next week.

    So in a nutshell:
    • Girl "breaks up" with me
    • Girl basically starts seeing another guy
    • I basically break contact with girl
    • Girl becomes flirty again and suggests meal together



    I know all of this has only taken place over a few months and a lot of you will say just get over it, but it's been so intense and we clicked so well that I've genuinely developed strong feelings for her. So my question is, do I continue to pursue this and try to get things back on track with her, or is it a lost cause?

    Despite her holiday romance currently taking place, the guy doesn't live here and I can't honestly see it being more than a fling that will fizzle out due to her need for a bit of male attention as mentioned above. What are the thoughts on this?

    Assuming we do meet for food in the week, I think it's also a great chance to try and light the spark between us again and see what happens - if it happened before, and she supposedly still likes me, why not again? I'm not saying I'm going to turn up with roses or anything, but if we can just have a really good laugh on the night and enjoy each others company again, surely that's a positive thing?

    At the same time, is it all just talk from her? Should I just walk away and forget it? Compared to a couple of weeks ago, the lack of talking between us this week has helped me to get over her so much already - I do still feel sad and a bit jealous when I hear her talking about dating and other guys, but I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I can finally sleep without waking up in the middle of the night which is a plus. Saying that, If there's even a small chance left to get back together, I don't want to turn my back on it because I really would love to be with her. At the same time I don't want to look desperate or push her away more because she has me wrapped around her little finger. I already don't like the idea that the ball is totally in her court for dinner, and I've already decided that if there's not significant notice of a couple of days, I'll make up an excuse as I don't want her to think that she can snap her fingers and I'll come running. But is that the right attitude to have? I have so many questions!

    I don't think we'd have a problem if we did give it another go as the only problem in the first place was that I wasn't committed enough, which I obviously would be now. Our "break up" was never particularly bad and we never fell out or argued about anything during the process either.

    I just can't work out if I should really push for this dinner together and try to light the spark again, or if I should tell her to forget it and continue NC as best as possible until I really don't care anymore?

    If anyone has read this far, any advice, please? :confused::confused:
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    (Original post by NeonXIII)
    Hi all, I really need some advice about this girl here and I'd love every piece I can get - I've just realised this is quite a long post, but I have a lot things to explain.
    Stick with me here!

    *****

    So in June a new girl starts at work and we hit it off instantly. From day one we're flirting, and things move pretty quickly after that: we're texting by the end of her first week, I went to meet her and her friends at a festival a week later and we ended up having our first kiss and staying long after everyone else, then a week after that we go on our first official date and end up sleeping together.
    As I say, things moved pretty quickly and from that point onwards it was established that we were seeing eachother.

    The thing is, at that time I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship, so I didn't commit to anything. I was happy to keep seeing her on a casual basis, and she said that she was ok with how things were going too, so that's how they stayed. During this time we saw a fair bit of eachother and my feelings really developed to the point where I was serious about being official with her.
    The problem is that at about the time I was ready to commit (I was literally planning the conversation for a night we had coming up together), she had decided enough was enough and she didn't want to see me anymore. She gave a BS reason about having just got out of a long relationship that ended badly and not being ready for another one, which I accepted at the time and respected her decision to just be friends moving forwards.

    After that, I was shocked at how fast her mannerisms towards me changed. The Whatsapp conversations stopped, she started avoided me in the office and when we were together there was no hint of flirting or attraction at all. Don't get me wrong, I know we'd called it quits and I didn't expect things to just stay the same, but at this point I was desperately trying to get over her and couldn't get her out of my head, whilst it looked like she'd just snapped her fingers and instantly stopped caring about me altogether. We were very affectionate with each other all the time before this, holding hands down the street, stealing kisses when no-one was looking at work, messaging all the time etc... so it really hit hard when everything stopped very suddenly.

    After a bit of digging and a conversation or two about our relationship, it finally transpired that she broke up with me because she didn't feel like I cared enough about her and she wanted to be whisked away by someone who did. Fair enough, I held my hands up as I can totally see where she's coming from and that's my fault for dragging my heels with her in the first place. I didn't beg for her back at this point, but I did apologise for being such a bad partner in the first place and making her feel unwanted. At this point she said she feels like we're at different points in our 'relationship development' as I wasn't getting her signals that she wanted more, but she said she still really likes me and under different circumstances she'd love to be with me, but taking everything into consideration she really just wants to be friends. She also hinted that there's still an attraction and who knows what will happen if we're drunk together e.g. work Christmas party...

    Now, at the time we broke up, we'd literally both just got back from seperate holidays (coincidentally booked for the same week before we knew each other), and after some digging I found out that she'd met a guy on the last night of her holiday (whilst we were still seeing each other and claiming to be exclusive, but whatever...), spent a wild night in the city together (supposedly they didn't sleep together and I do believe her), swapped phone numbers and had been sending flirty texts ever since. Now her sudden lack of attraction made sense: she was getting it from somewhere else. Important note: this guy doesn't live in the same country as us. She claims that after breaking from her ex, she was single for a few months until meeting me, and my lack of committment knocked her back and really broke her confidence. She had no such problem with this other guy who was very into her from the start and made her feel wanted.

    The situation now is that this guy has booked a flight to London (our location) for the week, she has booked a week off work and they are spending it in an airbnb together. Her birthday falls during this week too so its a pretty significant date for her. This is literally happening right now - as I type he is literally flying here and they will be meeting tomorrow in person for the first time since their wild night.

    Up until the point that I discovered this would be happening (last week), I'd been doing my best to be nice to her at all times. We'd been chatting at work fairly regularly, occasionally she had a bad day and I bought her favourite snacks to put a smile on her face when I was getting my lunch etc... Since I found out about the guy, I told myself that there was no point and to start NC as best as I could. For the last week I've been avoiding her at work and any time we have been forced to talk, I've responded to all non-work related questions with one-word answers to kill the conversation.

    This week she commented a few times on how I'm always grumpy with her these days and I don't talk to her anymore despite us saying we'd be friends etc... and she seemed genuinely sad about the situation. Then things got really confusing for me. A couple of days ago she started being affectionate towards me again: staying in the kitchen at work to try and make conversation whilst I prepared food, flirting with little pokes and grabs whenever we happened to be near eachother, and on a couple of occasions she came up and hugged me "just to be nice". She also suggested that we go out for pizza one day next week as it's her birthday (note: we used to eat pizza together for like EVERY meal when we dated) and directly referenced our first date. I didn't comment on the pizza thing initially, but then a day later I did say I've thought of somewhere we could go, and she said she'd message me when she'd worked out a day/time next week.

    So in a nutshell:
    • Girl "breaks up" with me
    • Girl basically starts seeing another guy
    • I basically break contact with girl
    • Girl becomes flirty again and suggests meal together



    I know all of this has only taken place over a few months and a lot of you will say just get over it, but it's been so intense and we clicked so well that I've genuinely developed strong feelings for her. So my question is, do I continue to pursue this and try to get things back on track with her, or is it a lost cause?

    Despite her holiday romance currently taking place, the guy doesn't live here and I can't honestly see it being more than a fling that will fizzle out due to her need for a bit of male attention as mentioned above. What are the thoughts on this?

    Assuming we do meet for food in the week, I think it's also a great chance to try and light the spark between us again and see what happens - if it happened before, and she supposedly still likes me, why not again? I'm not saying I'm going to turn up with roses or anything, but if we can just have a really good laugh on the night and enjoy each others company again, surely that's a positive thing?

    At the same time, is it all just talk from her? Should I just walk away and forget it? Compared to a couple of weeks ago, the lack of talking between us this week has helped me to get over her so much already - I do still feel sad and a bit jealous when I hear her talking about dating and other guys, but I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I can finally sleep without waking up in the middle of the night which is a plus. Saying that, If there's even a small chance left to get back together, I don't want to turn my back on it because I really would love to be with her. At the same time I don't want to look desperate or push her away more because she has me wrapped around her little finger. I already don't like the idea that the ball is totally in her court for dinner, and I've already decided that if there's not significant notice of a couple of days, I'll make up an excuse as I don't want her to think that she can snap her fingers and I'll come running. But is that the right attitude to have? I have so many questions!

    I don't think we'd have a problem if we did give it another go as the only problem in the first place was that I wasn't committed enough, which I obviously would be now. Our "break up" was never particularly bad and we never fell out or argued about anything during the process either.

    I just can't work out if I should really push for this dinner together and try to light the spark again, or if I should tell her to forget it and continue NC as best as possible until I really don't care anymore?

    If anyone has read this far, any advice, please? :confused::confused:
    You need to précis this or no-one will read it. soz.

    You had a go, but were both on a different page and are still on a different page. The writing is on the wall. As soon as she gets bored, she will be off. Some people like the thrill of a new romance and the learning, but familiarity leads to boredom until the next flirt turns into a date.

    Morals of the story:

    1) Do not date people you work with. when it turns sour, you pay the price big time.

    2) People can have fun but do not necessarily want the same thing at the same time.

    3) Once past it's shelf life, the whole thing is stale and can't compete with the freshness of a new start.

    Advice: Drop and move on.
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    be her and nice to her and live one day at a time.
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    (Original post by uberteknik)
    You need to précis this or no-one will read it. soz.

    You had a go, but were both on a different page and are still on a different page. The writing is on the wall. As soon as she gets bored, she will be off. Some people like the thrill of a new romance and the learning, but familiarity leads to boredom until the next flirt turns into a date.

    Morals of the story:

    1) Do not date people you work with. when it turns sour, you pay the price big time.

    2) People can have fun but do not necessarily want the same thing at the same time.

    3) Once past it's shelf life, the whole thing is stale and can't compete with the freshness of a new start.

    Advice: Drop and move on.
    Thanks for this, it looks like this is the best way to go tbh. It's annoying because we supposedly did want the same thing in the end, I just said it too late and she'd moved on to someone else by then.

    I'm just gonna keep myself busy and distracted this week and then get on with my life see what happens =|
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    I think keep pursuing. You admit you made a few mistakes because you didn't want to commit, and she wants to feel loved. Give this dinner date a chance and see where it goes from there - and be honest with her but perhaps don't completely spill your heart out incase she doesn't reciprocate, which'd lead to awkward work situations.
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    :facepalm: this is way too long for me, but whatever it is, hope it spins out soon enough
 
 
 
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