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am I being unreasonable? Bizarre situation LDR (bit long!) Watch

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    Okay long story short. He and I are Muslim so you can imagine I have a fairly conservative, strict family. I met him last year on holiday in another country and we've continued talking on Skype, whatsapp for about a year now. I told my parents and they told me to break up with him as they think he isn't 'good enough' for me as he didn't go to university, barely finished high school and works in a clothes shop (their words, not mine). I'm currently in university doing my masters, perhaps a PhD.

    I realise I have to break up with him or all hell will break lose here. I've told him the situation and he suggested - don't do a PhD, and instead finish your masters, and if you get kicked out the house so be it. Get yourself a full-time job, earn enough money to rent a house, furnish that house and buy a car. Then come here, marry me (he hasn't even proposed), apply for my visa and then I will be able to live with you in England. I said I wanted to buy a car first so I could get to the job if I'm kicked out, and he said a house was more important.. how will I get to the job then?

    I was a bit surprised that he didn't say 'you can live with me if they kick you out' or whatever but instead suggested what he did. I said nothing at the time but I felt a bit flustered for some reason? It just felt like he will just SIT in his country and do nothing whilst I lose everything around me here. I barely have any money and he wants me to be this 'educated wife' with a fully-furnished house and car, waiting for him in his dream country - England. He gets everything on a plate. Personally, my feelings for him aren't even strong anymore and I can't tell if he's trying to take advantage or if it's justified? Can someone please clarify?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay long story short. He and I are Muslim so you can imagine I have a fairly conservative, strict family. I met him last year on holiday in another country and we've continued talking on Skype, whatsapp for about a year now. I told my parents and they told me to break up with him as they think he isn't 'good enough' for me as he didn't go to university, barely finished high school and works in a clothes shop (their words, not mine). I'm currently in university doing my masters, perhaps a PhD.

    I realise I have to break up with him or all hell will break lose here. I've told him the situation and he suggested - don't do a PhD, and instead finish your masters, and if you get kicked out the house so be it. Get yourself a full-time job, earn enough money to rent a house, furnish that house and buy a car. Then come here, marry me (he hasn't even proposed), apply for my visa and then I will be able to live with you in England. I said I wanted to buy a car first so I could get to the job if I'm kicked out, and he said a house was more important.. how will I get to the job then?

    I was a bit surprised that he didn't say 'you can live with me if they kick you out' or whatever but instead suggested what he did. I said nothing at the time but I felt a bit flustered for some reason? It just felt like he will just SIT in his country and do nothing whilst I lose everything around me here. I barely have any money and he wants me to be this 'educated wife' with a fully-furnished house and car, waiting for him in his dream country - England. He gets everything on a plate. Personally, my feelings for him aren't even strong anymore and I can't tell if he's trying to take advantage or if it's justified? Can someone please clarify?
    What he is suggesting is NOT justified, it is honestly pretty F****d up. It sounds like he doesn't really care about you or your career or future. I don't agree witho your family trying to tell you who you can and cannot be with, but in this situation they are right, this a**hole is NOT somebody you wanna be with. He sounds awful :/
    You should focus on your studies and drop this guy
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    You're not being unreasonable at all! He sounds like he's taking advantage of you and he might just be in it for the visa to be honest.. I think your parents are right and want your best interest so just ditch the guy especially that you don't seem too sure about him either.
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    (Original post by Avaia)
    What he is suggesting is NOT justified, it is honestly pretty F****d up. It sounds like he doesn't really care about you or your career or future. I don't agree witho your family trying to tell you who you can and cannot be with, but in this situation they are right, this a**hole is NOT somebody you wanna be with. He sounds awful :/
    You should focus on your studies and drop this guy
    (Original post by RowanneK)
    You're not being unreasonable at all! He sounds like he's taking advantage of you and he might just be in it for the visa to be honest.. I think your parents are right and want your best interest so just ditch the guy especially that you don't seem too sure about him either.
    wow I'm so glad I asked this question then because I was so confused! I find it very difficult to draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable. I'm told often that I'm very naive and I suppose it's true to an extent. I agree what my parents said wasn't right and it made me very angry. He made this whole suggestion a couple of months ago so we'd have only been together about 9 months to ask your girlfriend to give up her dreams, family, home, money etc!

    I once had strong feelings for him but now I feel like we're incompatible on every level. He's turned out to be racist, homophobic, controlling, possessive and unambitious. I kind of just want to end things with him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    wow I'm so glad I asked this question then because I was so confused! I find it very difficult to draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable. I'm told often that I'm very naive and I suppose it's true to an extent. I agree what my parents said wasn't right and it made me very angry. He made this whole suggestion a couple of months ago so we'd have only been together about 9 months to ask your girlfriend to give up her dreams, family, home, money etc!

    I once had strong feelings for him but now I feel like we're incompatible on every level. He's turned out to be racist, homophobic, controlling, possessive and unambitious. I kind of just want to end things with him.
    oh yeah...he sounds like bad news, I would distance yourself from him tbh
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    also in my culture it's not exactly the norm for a young muslim girl to just leave and get her own house, it'd be quite controversial (in my family anyway), you'd think he'd know this seeing as he's Muslim too and his sisters are very religious and conservative etc but he it's like doesn't care about what could happen to me
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    Tbh I don't really like to judge people based on their background so I think your parents are in the wrong there. When I met my spouse they were finishing their master's degree about to start a phd and I had just dropped out of university undergrad for the first time (then the 2nd time.....then graduated with a 2:2). I only got a pretty lowly job recently and they have a phd and very well paying, respected job for the last few years. I have health issues, they haven't seen a doctor in like 10 years.

    However, it works so great for us BUT girl, I gotta say, this guy sounds like he saw you coming and just wants a visa. There's zero guarantee he'd even stay with you once you throw away everything you have for him, I mean you've known him less than a year and the majority of that has been on skype, he sounds like he's trying to use you. No way are you being unreasonable. At all. I would really urge you to just block him and get on with your life. You sound like you're on your way to great things with a really bright future so don't throw that away for someone who is pretty clearly trying to take advantage of you. Also the thing you said about him being possessive and racist/homophobic etc, yeah, this guy is just bad news. :no:
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    He’s only interested in you for your passport. As soon as he gets citizenship, he will leave you.
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    this thread just makes me want to twerk for some reason.
    • #3
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay long story short. He and I are Muslim so you can imagine I have a fairly conservative, strict family. I met him last year on holiday in another country and we've continued talking on Skype, whatsapp for about a year now. I told my parents and they told me to break up with him as they think he isn't 'good enough' for me as he didn't go to university, barely finished high school and works in a clothes shop (their words, not mine). I'm currently in university doing my masters, perhaps a PhD.

    I realise I have to break up with him or all hell will break lose here. I've told him the situation and he suggested - don't do a PhD, and instead finish your masters, and if you get kicked out the house so be it. Get yourself a full-time job, earn enough money to rent a house, furnish that house and buy a car. Then come here, marry me (he hasn't even proposed), apply for my visa and then I will be able to live with you in England. I said I wanted to buy a car first so I could get to the job if I'm kicked out, and he said a house was more important.. how will I get to the job then?

    I was a bit surprised that he didn't say 'you can live with me if they kick you out' or whatever but instead suggested what he did. I said nothing at the time but I felt a bit flustered for some reason? It just felt like he will just SIT in his country and do nothing whilst I lose everything around me here. I barely have any money and he wants me to be this 'educated wife' with a fully-furnished house and car, waiting for him in his dream country - England. He gets everything on a plate. Personally, my feelings for him aren't even strong anymore and I can't tell if he's trying to take advantage or if it's justified? Can someone please clarify?
    ***GOLD DIGGER/RED PASSPORT DIGGER ALERT*****
    GIRL you a mature girl if you doin your masters;please listen to your parents for your own sake because I'm a fraud in this one they're 100% right;plus I k ow from experience these kinda marriages don't work out as
    1- both brought up and born in different countries,assuming he's not from a western country
    2-clash of personality/mindset :such guys want control,want to be head of houses,keeping wife under their palms (not stereotyping bc I'm very used to such people belonging from the Muslim community myself)
    3-the only thing these people want is a visa to the UK and the cherry on the cake is the wife is well educated so will be able to provide for him as well
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    He wants the red passport lmao.
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    (Original post by MADMANMALIK)
    He wants the red passport lmao.
    Look I love your posts 3rd time I've seen yours somewhere now although it's shocking you're 17 only
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Look I love your posts 3rd time I've seen yours somewhere now although it's shocking you're 17 only
    It was a loooool not look smh
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    wow I'm so glad I asked this question then because I was so confused! I find it very difficult to draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable. I'm told often that I'm very naive and I suppose it's true to an extent. I agree what my parents said wasn't right and it made me very angry. He made this whole suggestion a couple of months ago so we'd have only been together about 9 months to ask your girlfriend to give up her dreams, family, home, money etc!

    I once had strong feelings for him but now I feel like we're incompatible on every level. He's turned out to be racist, homophobic, controlling, possessive and unambitious. I kind of just want to end things with him.
    Well the fact that you asked this question shows that you're not as naive as you've been told. You had a feeling that things weren't right and they weren't! so good for you for reaching out for advice. I think you should end things with him ASAP cuz if he's controlling and possessive he might try to guilt you into staying with him and make you feel bad about your decision. Even if you'd been with the guy 9 years that doesn't give him the right to make you give up on everything to be with him... if he loved you he wouldn't ask you to that. Good luck!
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    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Tbh I don't really like to judge people based on their background so I think your parents are in the wrong there. When I met my spouse they were finishing their master's degree about to start a phd and I had just dropped out of university undergrad for the first time (then the 2nd time.....then graduated with a 2:2). I only got a pretty lowly job recently and they have a phd and very well paying, respected job for the last few years. I have health issues, they haven't seen a doctor in like 10 years.

    However, it works so great for us BUT girl, I gotta say, this guy sounds like he saw you coming and just wants a visa. There's zero guarantee he'd even stay with you once you throw away everything you have for him, I mean you've known him less than a year and the majority of that has been on skype, he sounds like he's trying to use you. No way are you being unreasonable. At all. I would really urge you to just block him and get on with your life. You sound like you're on your way to great things with a really bright future so don't throw that away for someone who is pretty clearly trying to take advantage of you. Also the thing you said about him being possessive and racist/homophobic etc, yeah, this guy is just bad news. :no:
    thank you for your response, I'm just so happy to have asked this question because you've all convinced me that breaking up with him is the right decision. I haven't told anybody about this in real life (his suggestions), so I haven't had anybody to tell me he's being outrageous. If anything I thought I was being selfish for not taking some initiative and 'fighting' for us, when the problem has (unintentionally) risen from my end as it's my family with the issues.

    He has stressed before too that he really wants to live in England as he doesn't 'like' his family. To test if he wanted a visa ages ago, I said 'okay but I want to live in your country, not England', he said that was was perfectly fine. Yet.. when it came down to it, where I'd really live if my parents threw me out, it was all so what? Dump the family and buy a house, car, be a doctor etc like it was THAT easy, he couldn't even say something 'listen you can come live here okay, I'll take care of you' . My parents think he's just using me for a visa too as guys over there have a strong reputation for dating foreign girls for visas, so there's that possibility.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ***GOLD DIGGER/RED PASSPORT DIGGER ALERT*****
    GIRL you a mature girl if you doin your masters;please listen to your parents for your own sake because I'm a fraud in this one they're 100% right;plus I k ow from experience these kinda marriages don't work out as
    1- both brought up and born in different countries,assuming he's not from a western country
    2-clash of personality/mindset :such guys want control,want to be head of houses,keeping wife under their palms (not stereotyping bc I'm very used to such people belonging from the Muslim community myself)
    3-the only thing these people want is a visa to the UK and the cherry on the cake is the wife is well educated so will be able to provide for him as well
    you are SPOT on about different mindsets/control. He is born in a different country to me, it's a Muslim country too, so things that are normal here are more taboo over there. For example, I have gay friends, I have friends of all different religions. He tells me off for socialising with 'gays', and says I shouldn't really be friends with 'non-believers' and to dump them all after uni ends - obviously I had a massive argument with him, and that steered me right into the direction of wanting to break up with him. Every time I go out, he'll ask if there are any men there (he asks everyday!), asks for photos of where I am, and argues if he sees a guy in the photo. It just didn't seem justified to give up everything for a boy like this. I mean what will he even bring to the table? He wants me to provide everything and work my arse off at university, my job etc.. but doesn't mention how he could help.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by RowanneK)
    Well the fact that you asked this question shows that you're not as naive as you've been told. You had a feeling that things weren't right and they weren't! so good for you for reaching out for advice. I think you should end things with him ASAP cuz if he's controlling and possessive he might try to guilt you into staying with him and make you feel bad about your decision. Even if you'd been with the guy 9 years that doesn't give him the right to make you give up on everything to be with him... if he loved you he wouldn't ask you to that. Good luck!
    Aww thank you for all of the supportive comments I think I just needed confirmation that what I was feeling was actually justified, I have wanted to break up with him for some time now anyway, we are too incompatible. I will break up with him tomorrow as I've been putting it off for weeks, I feel more 'free' just thinking about it to be honest
    • #4
    #4

    What country does he live in?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What country does he live in?
    I'd rather not say the exact country, but it's predominantly Muslim
 
 
 
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